I don't know what to do anymore

[NightB4Xmas]

Okay i ain't the best at this sort of thing but i thought now is probably the best time for me to atleast let my feelings out in a way i could never ever do to people i know in real life.....

In the year 2003 i was a happy person i had good friends a good job and a Girlfriend that loved me.....
then the night before Christmas (hence my name) that year i was attacked by a gang of black men for my mobile phone/wallet & ever since then my entire life has been upside down....
I developed a deep hatred for anyone black & most of my friends at that time were black so that caused nothing but problems, i lost my job due to damage to my back from the attack.....
And i have not stopped arguing with my Girlfriend/Mother of my daughter ever since.....

2-3years later i developed sickness and stomach pains that were excruciating & i suffered severe weight loss which along with my back problems were causing me to become distant and hate all my friends/family.......
in the year 2006 i found out i had crohns disease which was causing my sickness and pains and the need to go toilet every time i ate & i just couldn't handle things at all so i tried a overdose on as many steroids as i could get my hands on (was taking them for the crohns disease) all in all i became a distant and angry person and then in the year 2007 the night before Christmas again i was rushed into hospital then needed a operation to cut out part of my bowels which has made my control of my bowels 10x worse but i suffer from less pain in my stomach.....


In that time i have had to look after my 70+ year old father & he has lost every last brother and sister that he has so i would hate to tell him my feelings & worry him anymore than he already worries.

My daughter i barely get to see anymore and in all honesty i am only probably alive right now because of her & my father....

I have got such hate inside my right now in the year 2013 i feel like every time i go out i will either kill somebody or myself & before i could control my feelings a lot better than the last 2 months.....

2 months ago i broke my hand by attacking a man who tried to take my money i wouldn't stop punching him & my hand literally broke & the scariest thing about it was how much i enjoyed it & since it has healed i have been going out looking for someone to start on me just so i can literally beat them to death i am in constant pain and addicted to pain killers & i hate real hate for everyone apart from my dad and daughter right now and i think i need help or suicide or to actually kill someone i don't know what to do and i am scared whatever i do will ruin my daughters and dads lifes but i don't know how i can stop myself.

I can't even celebrate Christmas anymore i can't eat outside because of my bowels i just have anger inside my 24/7 and i don't know what to do with myself anymore i really don't.

I don't even feel myself anymore i literally feel my eyes roll into the back of my head and get evil thoughts when i think of the stuff that has happened to me for the last ten years i have had so many things happen with family dying, being attacked, back problems, crohns disease, weight loss, constant pain, addiction to pills etc i don't feel myself anymore and i don't think i ever will be myself again.

I feel like my life has been worthless? i will never find love in the state i am in i will never refind friends like the ones i had, i will never see my family members again who have died and the ones i have fell out with in the last 10 years because of how distant i have become i feel like this is it.
Do or die.

 

[coyote]

Hi, and welcome to the forum.

have you had any professional counselling?

 

[NightB4Xmas]

yes i have and thank you...
i just go through my problems with the counsellor and walk out feeling angrier thinking about how much my life has changed.

 

[jaim38]

Hi and welcome to the forum! I had PTSD from all those bullyings too. I used to find myself becoming angry out of the blue, with so much hatred inside me, and wanting to run away from it all. But these episodes come less and less now. Sometimes I wish I could live away from people and never have to deal with all of this.

 

[NightB4Xmas]

My problem right now is i feel like if anyone looks at me wrong or says the slightest thing to me i won't be able to control all the anger i have built up through the years.

I am genuinely worried about the well being of others around me with exception to my father & daughter as they are the only people i can look at & never get the angry thoughts that are inside me.

I never used to be like this i miss being a hard working person that didn't need to rely on pain pills & didn't have this bowel illness.

Somedays like today i wonder should i just end it all because if i don't then i will quite possibly kill someone who doesn't deserve it.

 

[R3K]

will your back and crohns let you do martial arts? do kickboxing or tae kwon do or something and get black belt status. knowing you can take out a gang of dudes single-handed gives you power. you gotta channel it all into an art form and train yourself not to use it unless it's in self defense or defense of the weak. laugh at dudes when they wanna steal your wallet, let them throw the first punch, then break their arm. :thumbup:

my close friend has crohns, but his is farther advanced form than yours I think. he only works and goes home, he can't do shit else. whether it's psychological or not, I don't know. but reading your story, I think you need to attack your problems and not let crohns and back pain hold you down.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

I'm really sorry about all that is happenning to you :/

it's hard to give advice about your anger problem, because we are no professionnal, so we can only say what we think according to our own experience.... It seems you know why you are so angry, and you don't sound like you're blaming your problems and your anger on others, so that's a good way to start. Maybe try to be conscious, when you start to get angry, that there is no reason to be so mad, and then concentrate on trying to calm down for your own sake. I know it may sound like a stupid advice, but being conscious of my problems and the cause of it had helped me a great deal to be able to control it (though my problems have nothing to do with anger).

I think a professional should be able to help you though. If your current one doesn't help much, maybe you can try another one. Not because yours is necessarly a bad one, but not all councellors work the same, so I think it's normal to try more than one before finding one who can really help you. Just an opinion.

About Crohn's disease, just my opinion again, but I think living on pills must be very frustrating. I don't have Crohn's disease, but I used to have stomach ache all the time until I went gluten free and dairy free 3 years ago, which litterally changed my life. Along with the stomach ache, it helped with my depression, brain fog and SA as well.

BUT I thought I could get even better, so I bought that book:

Breaking the Vicious Cycle - The Specific Carbohydrate Diet

This is a diet made especially for Crohn's disease. There is a lot of blogs about people with Crohn's disease who are living a happy life on this diet. It looks scary at first because there is A LOT of things you can't eat, but once you got used to the things you can eat, you will realize that what you used to eat was tasteless and disgusting.

(For me, not having Crohn's disease, the result of (a slightly modified version of) this diet is that the stomach ache, chronic depression and fatigue I was dragging with me since I was 13 years old are GONE FOREVER)

According to the book (and blogs), you don't have to stay on that diet for the rest of your life, because the purpose of the diet is to heal your digestive system. So after a couple of years (depending on how damaged you are), you will be able to go back to a normal diet.

I hope this can help and good luck

Edit: Oh I forgot about sports as R3K is saying. Channelling your anger into a sport sounds like an excellent idea to me.

 

[Alienated]

Hey man you might try finding a clinical Trial you might qualify for do a web search... That's a hot issue right now with all the violence happening

anger management clinical trials