I don't know how to have a conversation- feel like a machine

[tooshytosay]

I donno. I just can't seem to have a conversation.

Of course I can 'communicate', in the sense that I can pass information to other people. But that's all I can do. I just feel like an "information-gurgitating" machine. The only sort of 'conversation' you can have with me is where you ask me factual information, and I answer, as if it were an exam question. More like an interrogation, really.

Hence none of the 'conversations' I have never, ever, resemble 'ordinary' conversations- with that seamless flow and social exchange.

It's very, very hard for me to think of anything to say unless they've asked me a direct question. And even in answering direct questions I find myself being as minimalistic as possible, ending up being 'very quiet'.

I don't 'think' I have autism / aspergers or anything, I've read up on them and I don't meet a lot of the other symptoms. Also, I can 'theoretically' understand people's emotions, etc.

It's just that when I am put on the spot, I can't think of anything to say!!!

(with anyone, including family & friends as well as strangers... my family & friends have always known me as the 'quiet one' so they just think it's ok)

 

[Akira]

I don't know what to say, other than "I'm exactly the same".

 

[Anubis]

I have the same problem. And I know why I do it. It's because I'm afraid of saying something that may hurt/anger/offend/depress someone enough to:
1) Make them Hate me = Causing Alienation.
2) Make them Hate me & convince others to Hate me = Causing Alienation.
3) Make them Hate me enough to harm me = Causing Pain and Alienation.

I also hate getting people sad over what I say. But that's more empathy related than hate related. But yea, I'm basically a people-pleaser. And it inhibits my speech.

Might be your problem as well, but I'm not sure.

 

[SickestJoke]

Re: I don't know how to have a conversation- feel like a mac

It's very, very hard for me to think of anything to say unless they've asked me a direct question.

This is exactly what's causing the problem. You're thinking too hard. You're stuck inside your head. You're trying to think of something to say, then you're analyzing whatever you come up with, thinking "nah, that's stupid, I'll sound like an idiot, that's boring, he won't be interested," etc, etc.

CLEAR your head. OPEN yourself up, be a blank canvas. Stay outside, in REALITY, not inside your own head. LISTEN closely to what the other person is saying; be INTERESTED in the conversation. ENJOY their company. Most importantly, have FUN! Put yourself out there, DON'T HOLD ANYTHING BACK!

The most important piece of advice I've ever heard is this: "brother let your heart be wounded, and give no mercy to your fear." It's from a song that might just change your life. You can listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXH-l3nz85E

Stay strong and keep us posted.

 

[unwantedoutcast]

Re: I don't know how to have a conversation- feel like a mac

CLEAR your head. OPEN yourself up, be a blank canvas. Stay outside, in REALITY, not inside your own head. LISTEN closely to what the other person is saying; be INTERESTED in the conversation. ENJOY their company. Most importantly, have FUN! Put yourself out there, DON'T HOLD ANYTHING BACK!

quote]

These things are much easier said than done when you have SA.

 

[madmike]

These things are much easier said than done when you have SA

Of course it's easier said, but that's the answer staring me and you in the face. We have to learn how to let go and stop worrying about every little thing that could go wrong (will i look stoopid? will they like me? omg omg omg how awkward the long silence is gonna be, oh no if i offend them they'll go away and i'll be lonely forever, etc, etc, etc) It's just such a burden. I've managed to have a few moment where i'm completely clear headed around people i don't even know that well, and those are the times i've enjoyed the most. I think once you put yourself out there and realize that converation can be fun, you'll really start to overcome your SA.

 

[no12]

yea me too. I just exchange information. There was this woman that was sitting next to me today. and it felt, no I "KNEW" that if I said hello it would be awkward. same as every other Im ever next to anyone. I then crossed my arms and got very mad.....

Especially women..

Anubis: yea I feel the same way. I feel that people won't like me, feel uncomfortable, think I'm weird, etc. (well if people thought I was weird but not get uncomfortable that would be better right? who cares if I'm weird, as long as they dont feel uncomfortable) so I don't open my mouth. But I still make them uncomfortable not opening my mouth. I also feel as if

I feel like though.. I would need a lot more experience of life, to be able to start a conversation. if I start a conversation, it's because I KNOW enough to talk about life. I would need to be like some sort of.. life coach or something.

 

[no12]

Re: I don't know how to have a conversation- feel like a mac

It's very, very hard for me to think of anything to say unless they've asked me a direct question.

This is exactly what's causing the problem. You're thinking too hard. You're stuck inside your head. You're trying to think of something to say, then you're analyzing whatever you come up with, thinking "nah, that's stupid, I'll sound like an idiot, that's boring, he won't be interested," etc, etc.

CLEAR your head. OPEN yourself up, be a blank canvas. Stay outside, in REALITY, not inside your own head. LISTEN closely to what the other person is saying; be INTERESTED in the conversation. ENJOY their company. Most importantly, have FUN! Put yourself out there, DON'T HOLD ANYTHING BACK!

The most important piece of advice I've ever heard is this: "brother let your heart be wounded, and give no mercy to your fear." It's from a song that might just change your life. You can listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXH-l3nz85E

Stay strong and keep us posted.

If I don't hold back I could end up very hurt and others completely disgusted with me.

 

[SickestJoke]

Re: I don't know how to have a conversation- feel like a mac

These things are much easier said than done when you have SA.

I've had severe SA for my entire life until about 6 months ago. I know it's not easy. Life isn't easy. Everyone knows the keys to being healthy are to exercise and eat right, but how many obese people are there in the US? They don't have the focus and the discipline. I just told you the keys to having a comfortable conversation. It's up to you to focus and use them.

It might sound like I'm being tough on you, but this is it. This is what works. The only thing stopping you is the belief that you can't do it. Someone can preach to you all day long, but it's up to you to decide when you're ready to let go of your negative beliefs. That's all that SA is, a set of negative beliefs.

 

[SickestJoke]

Re: I don't know how to have a conversation- feel like a mac

If I don't hold back I could end up very hurt and others completely disgusted with me.

Let yourself get hurt! The pain that comes from "fear of being hurt" IS SO MUCH WORSE than actually getting hurt. When you live in constant fear, you are in CONSTANT PAIN! Stop protecting yourself from your imaginary fears. You need to feel real pain in order to feel real pleasure.

Please, PLEASE try wearing your heart on your sleeve just once. Let someone hurt you. Realize that it's okay to get hurt, and living in fear is so much more painful. Do this and you'll see what it feels like to actually be alive.

 

[no12]

alright so you want me to act all scared and shit and say hi to some girl who looks good when otherwise I wouldn't say hi to a girl who I don't find too attractive?

or should I start with the "ugly" ones? doesn't matter who really I would be scared anyway.

I dunno if my heart can take this....
my life would seem like an insult.

ok.. to try and not act scared is pretty hard. I could try and look mad, or "stuck up" because I wouldn't like their judging me if they saw my as scared, and cuz they don't know SH*T about me.

or I can put on a whole act and look very fake..

btw I don't just have SA, I also have been having severe insomnia which has really been f*cking with my head and giving me poor concentration and focus skills.

 

[SickestJoke]

Please read this post closely, and really think about it. Read it a few times if you need to. Open your mind and get these ideas into your head. Start questioning your old beliefs.

alright so you want me to act all scared and shit and say hi to some girl who looks good when otherwise I wouldn't say hi to a girl who I don't find too attractive?

or should I start with the "ugly" ones? doesn't matter who really I would be scared anyway.

I dunno if my heart can take this....
my life would seem like an insult.

Are you only anxious when you talk to girls? Do you have open conversations with your friends? Give me an idea of where you stand.

ok.. to try and not act scared is pretty hard. I could try and look mad, or "stuck up" because I wouldn't like their judging me if they saw my as scared, and cuz they don't know SH*T about me.

or I can put on a whole act and look very fake..

See what you're doing? You're putting on an act, pretending to be something that you're not. You're putting up barriers so that you don't get hurt. This is exactly what I'm telling you NOT to do.

The idea isn't to "try and not act scared." You're afraid of being judged, right? I'm telling you that you need to let go of that. I'm saying LET YOURSELF BE JUDGED, DON'T LOOK FOR WAYS TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM BEING JUDGED.

Don't try to "act" a certain way for the benefit of others. You don't need to "pretend" ANYTHING. You know how, when you're alone, you actually have a personality? You actually have interesting thoughts and ideas when you're not worrying about ACTING a certain way to IMPRESS OTHERS. I know it's hard to believe right now, but you can share that personality with others.

I'm going to quote my own post because I'm not sure that you really read it. It might sound like I'm being tough on you but you really need to get this into your head.

This is exactly what's causing the problem. You're thinking too hard. You're stuck inside your head. You're trying to think of something to say, then you're analyzing whatever you come up with, thinking "nah, that's stupid, I'll sound like an idiot, that's boring, he won't be interested," etc, etc.

CLEAR your head. OPEN yourself up, be a blank canvas. Stay outside, in REALITY, not inside your own head. LISTEN closely to what the other person is saying; be INTERESTED in the conversation. ENJOY their company. Most importantly, have FUN! Put yourself out there, DON'T HOLD ANYTHING BACK!

The most important piece of advice I've ever heard is this: "brother let your heart be wounded, and give no mercy to your fear." It's from a song that might just change your life. You can listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXH-l3nz85E

btw I don't just have SA, I also have been having severe insomnia which has really been f*cking with my head and giving me poor concentration and focus skills.

This is a different issue. You need to take care of the insomnia first. Get some exercise, eat healthy, do something relaxing before bed.

 

[no12]

I dont exactly know how to "clear my head".. I mean yea sure.. pay attention to the people outside.

but...... bah ok whatever that may be a way.

doesn't stop the fact that my thoughts will go back to thinking thesame way though.

I guess I have to just be persistent and stuff. no changing my thoughts I guess.

maybe in about a year I will be closer to acheiving total "mental silence" if I persist.

 

[SickestJoke]

Thanks for reading my post and thinking about it, it means a lot to me. I hope you'll read it a couple more times and really DRIVE those ideas deep into your brain, into your belief system.

I dont exactly know how to "clear my head".. I mean yea sure.. pay attention to the people outside.

but...... bah ok whatever that may be a way.

As far as clearing your head, you worded it perfectly: PAY ATTENTION to the outside world. SA likes to keep you locked inside your own head, in loops of paranoia and delusion. After dealing with SA for a while you start to get comfortable inside your own head. I'm asking you to STEP OUT of that comfort zone.

Another thing that helps you get out of your head is to get into your body. Become aware your breathing: take in a nice deep, comfortable breath, and hold it for a second, just a second or two. Notice any tension in your body, maybe your shoulders are shrugged up tight, maybe your stomach is tight and you're hunched over. Now, let that breath go, and as you release it slowly, relax all of the tension in your body as well. Clear body = clear mind.

doesn't stop the fact that my thoughts will go back to thinking thesame way though.

I guess I have to just be persistent and stuff. no changing my thoughts I guess.

I know what it's like to have SA in control of your life and it's not EASY to take back control, but it IS SIMPLE. That is, the solution isn't complex, but it takes determination to fight against your brain's conditioning. You do have to be persistent, I'm glad you realize this because you are now OFFICIALLY on the right track.

maybe in about a year I will be closer to acheiving total "mental silence" if I persist.

The amazing thing about the human mind is that you can take control today, RIGHT NOW. It takes effort. You need to focus. The more you can do this, the more natural it will become, as you drive these ideas deep into your subconscious.

Keep reading these 2 posts, fully understand them, remind yourself of them, BELIEVE them. The more you practice, the better you'll get.

 

[206Raider]

man I'm the same way I would hang out with yall. I gotta stay high now becuase when I leave the house clean I get anxious and don't know what to say in conversations so I go about my business and sit at home and smoke but I'm too alone. feel like im living just to die

 

[limetree]

I found this on a forum for infj personalities but I thought it could apply to some other INxx types too. Even those who don't have SA or aren't even shy experience this!

The reason we struggle with things to say is that we are listening to our subconscious too much. you can't pay attention to external stimuli and internal stimuli at the same time. this is called uptime/downtime. we INFJ's practically live in downtime. this is why we have such good intuition and it is also why we struggle with things to say. You feel seperate from those you are with because they are paying attention to external stimuli (uptime) and you are paying attention to internal stimuli (downtime). Other types often don't understand us because they don't have access to our internal worlds, and this is what we are commenting on most of the time.

Heres how you turn off that voice in your head:
take a look around the room you are in. what is there that you have never noticed before? how many things can you see that are green? how about blue? name all the objects around you. begin to only pay attention to your surroundings. the individual objects and as a whole. When you are in a social situation do this with your surroundings and with the people you are with. notice the changes in the persons face. as you get better at this you will feel the difference straight away when you do it and you should instantly feel more talkative. REMEMBER you must be in UPTIME when talking to people.

It is simply a way to change your perception from your inner world to your outer world. don't simply describe the objects around you to the people you are with. It's no good being talkative if you bore the pants off everyone. This isn't about commenting on your surroundings. you just do that in your head to initially enter uptime. after a few days/weeks you won't have to do this anymore. you will just be able to "shift" to uptime. The better you get at uptime the more the conversation will just flow. Don't worry about having something to say straight away, simply follow the excercise I described on a regular basis and all will become clear.