Zacsta
Member
Hi, my name is Zac Johnston. I'm 18, and moving out of home next friday to go to uni in Melbourne (I live in Tasmania), and I'm just terrified. Last night I randomly typed into google something like "what's it like starting uni?" and ended up finding a thread on this forum. I just read through it, but then started looking around here because I saw the banner at the top, and reading stuff about social phobia (which I've never heard of before).
When I read the general introduction to SP I suddenly got that tingling over your body when something particularly hits close to home. I couldn't believe it! All this stuff is exactly how I feel. I couldn't believe it's an actual thing. I've always just thought I was a fricking idiot.
I mean, of course, I can't definately say that I have this SP or whatever. But I seem to share a lot of the characteristics.
I'm pretty anti-social I guess and do anything I can to get out of things I'm invited to. In fact today there's a get-together between some of my friends which I didn't go to simply by not replying to the invite.
Although situations with friends isn't too bad (I still generaly avoid going to get-togethers even with close friends), it's incredibly worse with public situations or dealing with strangers.
I absolutely HATE any interactions with strangers, even just going to the shops gets me nervous. But especially in situations where I have to actually do something in front of other people. I get incredibly nervous having to go fill up the car with petrol, or the tyres with air, or really any parking (especially parallel parking in a busy street, because I always get so flustered and stuff it up bad). Honestly, even things like using parking ticket machines, I've so far avoided having to use an ATM, and (stupid I know) even the machines you use to make an order at NoodleBox.
I just have this overwhelming feeling that everyone is watching me do something and thinking "He's so Fvcking STUPID!" I feel like I manage to stuff just about everything up that I do in public (even mundane things like above) and spend the rest of the day cringing and knowing that those people around me now think I'm a complete idiot.
And even feeling like this makes me feel like an idiot! I know it's so stupid, but I really can't help it happening.
I try extremely hard to avoid making phonecalls, and when I have to, I spend probably at least half an hour working myself up to it (sometimes alot longer).
Just about the only thing I can do without getting incredibly anxious and flustered in public is walking down the street. And so I pretty much don't drive if I can help it, and walk everywhere.
Even interacting with people I know (not too closely), I just always assume they think I'm retarded. Even when an interaction happens and they specifically are very nice with compliments and everything, I feel better for a bit, but later when I'm alone I just end up feeling like they were just faking it, and right now they're thinking how incompetent I am. Even with people who I "logically" know would have no reason to think that of me. But logic has absolutely NO say in these situations.
One time I went to fill up the car but I saw the petrol station had a bunch of cars and so I just drove past, turned around further up tried to work myself up to it as I drove back but ended up just driving straight past again and back home. And then I had some sort of fit of anxiety, where I was all shaky and mumbling gibberish to myself, generally just feeling extremely nervous even though I was back home alone.
I would describe myself as incredibly paranoid, and always feel like everyone talks about how stupid and incompetent I am when I leave, while simutaneously acknowledging the logic that they they wouldn't be. As backwards as that sounds, those feelings co-exist. No matter how reasonable I am (I wouldn't be willing to bet any money that people thought I was dumb) I always experience the associated feelings as if they did think I was retarded.
I would like to think I have a generally scientific mind, and I do very well at school, and indeed I'm going to uni to study science (maths and physics), and overall I'm extremely skeptical when other people jump to conclusions. But even though that scientifically I KNOW, almost 100%, that people most likely don't give me a second thought, I CONSTANTLY FEEL like they HATE ME.
(even knowing that these feelings and emotions are just biochemistry and neuroscience, and that they're most likely just over-amplified and out-of-proportion brain patterns that normally serve an evolutionary survival purpose, DOES NOT change how I feel)
Well all this is normally "relatively" controllable, because my parents basically do everything and I just have to deal with the occasional exposure to strangers. But now that I'm moving out of home, and will have to be doing everything myself, I'm utterly Fvcking terrified. I will not cope. I feel like I'm going to die (or at least wish to). Even though I'll be living with my sister who moved to Melbourne several years ago (I couldn't have done it otherwise), I'll still have to do alot of stuff on my own, and I just don't know what I'm going to do. And all this ontop of the stress of stqrting uni and feeling it's gonna be ridicuously hard.
I'm very glad I found this site, because I can't believe other people are in the same situation and experience the same ridiculous emotions. But time is running out fast, and before I know it I'll be gone, and in the big city with so many things to stress me out to death, not to mention the utter disruption that my anxiety is going to inflict on this even more.
I'm sorry this is such an incredibly long post, but I've never been able to let this all off my chest before. I tried to tell my girlfriend (when we were still going out) about it, but other people just don't understand, because it's so utterly stupid.
For a long time I've felt like I just want to be completely alone, and pass the time with science and things that I don't have to do in front of other people, and get this stupid life thing over and fvcking done with, because it's not a terribly enjoyable experience overall.
Thankyou to anyone who may actually bother to read this. (Don't hate me for rambling on so much).
When I read the general introduction to SP I suddenly got that tingling over your body when something particularly hits close to home. I couldn't believe it! All this stuff is exactly how I feel. I couldn't believe it's an actual thing. I've always just thought I was a fricking idiot.
I mean, of course, I can't definately say that I have this SP or whatever. But I seem to share a lot of the characteristics.
I'm pretty anti-social I guess and do anything I can to get out of things I'm invited to. In fact today there's a get-together between some of my friends which I didn't go to simply by not replying to the invite.
Although situations with friends isn't too bad (I still generaly avoid going to get-togethers even with close friends), it's incredibly worse with public situations or dealing with strangers.
I absolutely HATE any interactions with strangers, even just going to the shops gets me nervous. But especially in situations where I have to actually do something in front of other people. I get incredibly nervous having to go fill up the car with petrol, or the tyres with air, or really any parking (especially parallel parking in a busy street, because I always get so flustered and stuff it up bad). Honestly, even things like using parking ticket machines, I've so far avoided having to use an ATM, and (stupid I know) even the machines you use to make an order at NoodleBox.
I just have this overwhelming feeling that everyone is watching me do something and thinking "He's so Fvcking STUPID!" I feel like I manage to stuff just about everything up that I do in public (even mundane things like above) and spend the rest of the day cringing and knowing that those people around me now think I'm a complete idiot.
And even feeling like this makes me feel like an idiot! I know it's so stupid, but I really can't help it happening.
I try extremely hard to avoid making phonecalls, and when I have to, I spend probably at least half an hour working myself up to it (sometimes alot longer).
Just about the only thing I can do without getting incredibly anxious and flustered in public is walking down the street. And so I pretty much don't drive if I can help it, and walk everywhere.
Even interacting with people I know (not too closely), I just always assume they think I'm retarded. Even when an interaction happens and they specifically are very nice with compliments and everything, I feel better for a bit, but later when I'm alone I just end up feeling like they were just faking it, and right now they're thinking how incompetent I am. Even with people who I "logically" know would have no reason to think that of me. But logic has absolutely NO say in these situations.
One time I went to fill up the car but I saw the petrol station had a bunch of cars and so I just drove past, turned around further up tried to work myself up to it as I drove back but ended up just driving straight past again and back home. And then I had some sort of fit of anxiety, where I was all shaky and mumbling gibberish to myself, generally just feeling extremely nervous even though I was back home alone.
I would describe myself as incredibly paranoid, and always feel like everyone talks about how stupid and incompetent I am when I leave, while simutaneously acknowledging the logic that they they wouldn't be. As backwards as that sounds, those feelings co-exist. No matter how reasonable I am (I wouldn't be willing to bet any money that people thought I was dumb) I always experience the associated feelings as if they did think I was retarded.
I would like to think I have a generally scientific mind, and I do very well at school, and indeed I'm going to uni to study science (maths and physics), and overall I'm extremely skeptical when other people jump to conclusions. But even though that scientifically I KNOW, almost 100%, that people most likely don't give me a second thought, I CONSTANTLY FEEL like they HATE ME.
(even knowing that these feelings and emotions are just biochemistry and neuroscience, and that they're most likely just over-amplified and out-of-proportion brain patterns that normally serve an evolutionary survival purpose, DOES NOT change how I feel)
Well all this is normally "relatively" controllable, because my parents basically do everything and I just have to deal with the occasional exposure to strangers. But now that I'm moving out of home, and will have to be doing everything myself, I'm utterly Fvcking terrified. I will not cope. I feel like I'm going to die (or at least wish to). Even though I'll be living with my sister who moved to Melbourne several years ago (I couldn't have done it otherwise), I'll still have to do alot of stuff on my own, and I just don't know what I'm going to do. And all this ontop of the stress of stqrting uni and feeling it's gonna be ridicuously hard.
I'm very glad I found this site, because I can't believe other people are in the same situation and experience the same ridiculous emotions. But time is running out fast, and before I know it I'll be gone, and in the big city with so many things to stress me out to death, not to mention the utter disruption that my anxiety is going to inflict on this even more.
I'm sorry this is such an incredibly long post, but I've never been able to let this all off my chest before. I tried to tell my girlfriend (when we were still going out) about it, but other people just don't understand, because it's so utterly stupid.
For a long time I've felt like I just want to be completely alone, and pass the time with science and things that I don't have to do in front of other people, and get this stupid life thing over and fvcking done with, because it's not a terribly enjoyable experience overall.
Thankyou to anyone who may actually bother to read this. (Don't hate me for rambling on so much).
. just relax and research the crap out of it and you'll be on your way to getting a handle on it.
