Kenopsia
Member
...and there ain't nothing I can do about it, It's so hard to explain my feelings in the last decade. From one side I really feel comfortable with myself because I improved a lot of my skills and I recently got a well-paid job and I think I'm smarter than most people around me that I knew during my life, but that's not enough, in fact, in another side I feel like a small mouse compared with other people, it doesn't matter what age, sex, race, I am nothing, they have a real life, not like me, I don't have any social interaction from at least 15 years and I'm 30 (almost). I've been bullied from elementary school to high school, more than 10 years later I still have scars on my hands because their favorite game was block my hands on the desk and beat me down with pens. I've been cyberbullied too, during that period I started to develop different diseases like depression, avoidant personality disorder, vomit and diarrhea anxiety. I had also bad work experience, just one. Anyway, the biggest problem right now is my social life, I don't have at all and my life is just work - home and parents sometimes, I'm sad. I never thought that I need friends for a better quality of life, I'd like to have a girlfriend but I'm too ugly to have one. I can't use social media because I have just 60 friends on facebook and I don't see them from years and should be weird post something without getting any like or comment, normal people look these things. I tried a few times to change my life trying new experience and making friends from 20s and I obviously failed, the first period in other groups wasn't too bad and I appeared like an OK-guy, after few weeks shy, and then wierdo because I don't know what people like to talk or to do, I don't understand when someone is joking or not because I've been bullied so often and now I can't trust anyone. I can't explain why I don't like to others, too serious? oh well, I just know that they have friends, not like me, I'd like to have a social life, nothing of extreme, just have someone to eat something around or just to talk ace to face, I am smart but I am also alone and lost in my life. Hopefully, you'll understand my English because I'm not an English native speaker and I can't write on my language on a different website because in my job I have to be perfect, no physical or mental problem admitted, I can't explain how I passed all exams, I was just lucky. I'll write here my feeling and stuff sometimes, hope to don't bother anyone.
