How to get past anger toward an ex

[this_portrait]

This is something that's been really bringing me down since some time back in October (well, I felt it a bit before, but it came full force in early to mid-October). I can't seem to go one day without feelings of hatred and resentment towards my ex popping up. They can pop up any time, anywhere, and be provoked by even certain words being uttered. Once they manifest themselves, I start getting pissed. I want to break sh*t, I get thoughts of inflicting violence on my ex sometimes, and then I end up breaking down and crying. It brings me down all the time.

I'm not going to delve into any details of why I'm angry at him. Some of you on here I've PMed and you guys know the whole story, but I'm not going into the details on the public forum.

All I really want are tips on ways to at least keep this anger at bay, because it's not doing anything but trying to destroy me. I know exercise helps, and I've been trying to hit the gym and run on the treadmill lately, but it's only a temporary relief. The feelings eventually come back. So, what would you guys suggest?

And please don't tell me to just "replace my ex" with other people. I've already tried that, and to be honest it doesn't really work. Lately this anger has been putting a major damper on me interacting with other people and just makes me NOT want to talk to anyone. It's also made it even harder for me to pursue another guy I've been interested in lately. I can't approach people and act friendly and happy when I've got all this anger and resentment bogging me down and making me feel anything but happy and friendly.

I'm open to whatever suggestions ya'll have to offer.

 

[Pyrophosphate]

Maybe you need a change of scenery for a while.

After my girlfriend broke up with my in July, I spent the rest of the summer feeling miserable in my mom's basement. Moving back to my dorm in September immediately made me feel better, just because it was somewhere else.

If you just sit in one room for months on end, being miserable, you'll automagically feel miserable whenever you're in that room. Maybe just pick a different room to sit in, or rearrange some stuff?

 

[this_portrait]

I do try to go places more often just for the sake of "getting away," but I am pretty limited in where I can go. I'm still in school at the moment, so I'm stuck having to live in my apartment and be on campus until May rolls around. The campus is more of a reminder of him, because we used to walk by many of the places here. One good thing is that he's graduated, so I don't have to worry about seeing him around.

Moving to another place would've worked back during the summer when we broke up, but I chose to not do that. I didn't want to be around my family because they would've asked questions, so I decided to just stay in my apartment for much of the rest of break.

I do wonder about rearranging the place, though.

 

[Silatuyok]

When I finally managed to break off all ties with my abusive ex, I found myself dealing with the memories and emotions for long afterward, even after I hadn't spoken to him in over a year. I went to therapy, and my therapist did a thing called eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. If you google EMDR it should pop up. It might be something you could do with a therapist, if you are so inclined. It certainly helped me break away from all the emotions and self-hate that had built up in me because of him. As it stands now, I just try to keep him out of my life as much as possible. He sends me a message on Facebook once or twice a year, but I just reply as shortly and as politely as I can, nothing more.
All in all, I would suggest you try to cut your ex out of your life as much as you can. Though I know that may not work in the long run, which is why I recommend the EMDR.

 

[this_portrait]

Thank you, Marie.

I Googled EMDR and it looks rather interesting. I'll keep it in mind for the next time I see my therapist.

I have lessened contact with him quite a bit, though not completely. I still have his number and he's on my Facebook and one other social networking site I'm on. The last time I even saw him in person was over 2 months ago. I never initiate any contact with him; any contact we do have is initiated by him. I prefer to keep it this way, at least for the time being. Things may change some time down the road, but for now, contact is minimal.

I've also made it clear to him that I'm keeping my distance for however long I see fit. I did not give him a deadline of when all these bitter feelings will be gone (because I can't), so for all I know, it may be forever (which is probably doubtful). It was his idea to remain in contact and be friends with me after the break-up, but due to circumstances and my feelings, it is hard for me to do the same. Part of me would like to, but it's just not really possible right now.

 

[Silatuyok]

^ I understand. I usually have a "no friends" rule, where I tell the guy that there's really not much of a chance that I'm going to want to keep interacting with him as a friend after we break up, so I just cut the ties and leave it at that. I don't really see any use in keeping exes around anyway. It just complicates things.

 

[this_portrait]

I usually have a "no friends" rule, where I tell the guy that there's really not much of a chance that I'm going to want to keep interacting with him as a friend after we break up, so I just cut the ties and leave it at that. I don't really see any use in keeping exes around anyway. It just complicates things.

I can definitely see why many people choose to not have any contact whatsoever. Sometimes I get so frustrated that I get tempted to just cut off ALL contact. Certainly there are cases where having no contact at all is the one best thing, like if your ex was abusive towards you like you mentioned.

So I can see the appeal of cutting off contact, but for me, the way I look at it, my ex was really the first person outside of family who I opened myself up to the most (even though he never really did get to know the real me because of my severe social phobia). I really did value all the time we spent together (even if at times it seemed to him like I didn't), and to me cutting off all contact would seem like it would have all been a waste.

 

[MikeyC]

Cutting off all ties is the best way, so there's no chance of running into him or getting an "accidental" call from him. That would make any progress you have made that much worse.

Maybe start doing things for yourself will work, too. For example, going to the gym is a good start, and you can put all your energy into looking and feeling good. There's other ways to get your mind off him, too, like delving right into a hobby, but it's hard to completely forget.

For comparison's sake, a girl broke my heart 3 years ago and I was a mess when it happened. I still remember who she is and where she works, but if I was to bump into her now, I wouldn't be negatively affected, as it's been so long and I've moved on from it. Time heals everything, even if it feels like it doesn't.

 

[this_portrait]

I have a few hobbies that I enjoy partaking in, and sometimes engaging in them helps, but one hobby I enjoy the most (and I also plan on making a career out of it) is also a hobby my ex enjoys doing as well (and he also is trying to make a career out of it, I believe). Doing that hobby does bring back thoughts, but I have a way that I try to keep the thoughts at bay, and that is that I have a completely different way of going about this hobby and a different style.

Sometimes I'll write things down, but much of the time I become so overwhelmed with the anger that my thoughts become jumbled and I can't figure out what to write.

Typically I have a hard time distracting myself with hobbies. Maybe a lack of motivation has something to do with it.

 

[MikeyC]

A lack of motivation does hinder a lot. I have the same issue so I know how debilitating it can be. Just because your ex is going for the same job you are doesn't mean you have to forego it (if you were even considering that). Sure, it'll bring the memories back, but don't let that stop you!

My ex and I are ultimately pining for the same job type, too, but that won't stop me (although, like you, motivation will).

 

[Little Miss Muffet]

I am sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I had a lot of anger and bitterness to do with an ex - its awful really consuming and i couldnt stop myself from taking it out on other people. I found kickboxing really helpful. It made me feel so relieved after as its so physical. Sorry, I know you said dont say physical exercise but this really helped me.

 

[this_portrait]

Oh, believe me, this all isn't stopping me from going for the same type of job. I didn't go through 3 years of school to quit my major during my final year just because of a break-up. It's just a little hard right now because of all this b/s.

Little Miss Muffet: Yeah, exercise does help a bit, but like I said, it's only temporary relief.