How to deal with depressed mom?

[EscapeArtist]

I'm sorry if this is offensive to anybody.

Please I need somebody's help/advice.


My mother is very depressed and has a lot of issues from the past. So every day when I start a conversation with her, about something like how the day is, 2 hours later we're in a heated conversation about an issue from the past that has hurt her and that she's not over. Usually it ends in tears. I listen to her talking about these things for an 1-3 hours, but once she starts ranting and crying about the situation that she is upset over, I don't tend to reach out and give her a hug....

For a few reasons. 1. These are issues I have comforted her about a LOT over the last 6 years, and I feel like it's that movie "groundhog day", I'll have to repeat the process every day and the hurt she feels doesn't get any better, she honestly is not coping with her problems, just being the victim to it. I understand it's hurtful, but ALL of these issues are from 6-30 years ago.

2. While she's crying, she's can start accusing me of things and blame/guilt tripping me. I am scared to hug her. I am already terrified of emotions, but only from her, because she is unexpectedly reactive and angry

And 3. I am already depressed... And I feel like I can't handle all of her problems on top of it every day for hours on end. I can handle it every now and then, even a little bit every day, but not at the intensity it's at every day now.



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Is this wrong of me? Am I being a bad family member? I don't know how to handle this situation and I don't know how much of it is mine to handle. Should I change my ways, or feel as bad as I do for not hanging around to comfort her

 

[MikeyC]

You have your own reasons for responding to her the way you are. Maybe tell her that when she's in a better mood: you can only handle so much of her issues when you have your own. Surely she'll understand.

She sounds like she needs some counselling, which is also something that could be bought up, too. If she is still hurting from events that happened over a decade ago, it's time to start shedding some of those negative emotions. She's probably made you depressed in your own life, too.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

If there's a problem and she's just being a victim rather than learning and overcoming, then I don't think that you should feel bad. You can't do everything for her. And don't let her guilt-tripping get to you, you haven't done anything wrong or caused anything that happened to her. Try to get her to attend counseling or something. I think it would help a bit if you showed her some support or affection or something to help her through this, but there are other ways of giving her support if affection isn't your thing.

 

[kihira]

Is this wrong of me? No, its probably wrong to continue trying to help your mum, who should be taking steps to deal with it herself

Am I being a bad family member? No, your mum has stuff that she should be getting help with outside of the family

I don't know how to handle this situation and I don't know how much of it is mine to handle. It is not yours to handle, it is not your responsibility

Should I change my ways, or feel as bad as I do for not hanging around to comfort her Dont feel bad, point her in the right direction - "I think you need to get help with this..." - if you want to be doing something then I'd suggest that you (and the others) are doing your bit around the house and lightening the housework load for your mum, it may give her time and mental space to start sorting things out.

Is there any substance abuse going on - sometimes ppl will drag up stuff from the past to have a reason to drink or whatever