How not to care about a crush?

[Aron]

I feel like I'm getting more and more into a situation which I promised myself to never get into again.

I have a colleague, we have been in the same team since I joined the company in 2007. She's one of the few people at work, whom I feel most comfortable with, since she has SA too, or at least SA-like symptoms. We never really became friends, in the sense that we don't really talk or meet outside work, because... well, I don't really know how to connect with humans, especially with females, but I soon developed a crush on her, because she's beautiful and smart. She had a boyfriend, who also happened to be a colleague, and he also become a sort of friend too, so of course that ruled out anything, and I somehow managed to suppress my feelings.

But they broke up 1.5 years ago (after 10 years of being together), and the guy also left the company a week ago. During the past 1.5 year, we (me and the girl) chatted a bit more at work than before, but still nothing happened, and I kind of wanted to leave it that way, I already felt terrible because of this "you shouldn't meddle with your friend's ex" stuff.

But recently the feelings have returned, worse than ever. I am torn between trying to connect with her, and leaving her alone. We went to the movies a few times. We did this before with her boyfriend, the 3 of us, when they were still together, so this didn't feel like a very bad thing, we could do this as friends. I've also driven her to work and to home from work a few times, when our work schedules matched because she doesn't drive and doesn't like public transportation because of her SA.

I did these things because I enjoy spending time with her, but I shouldn't do this. Why be friends with your crush, when she doesn't feel that way. I'm pretty sure she doesn't. Sure it feels nice for those brief moments when we talk or go the movies, but then it's just pure torment.

I feel like I'm gonna do something stupid, like buying her a present for her birthday or something, but I don't want to be that guy who buys her stuff, becomes her bestest (sic!) friend just because I like her. You can't buy love and you can't make someone to love you. This I know. With my mind. The problem is with my heart.

I don't know why I wrote this down, maybe I thought I would feel a little bit better.

 

[spider04]

"You shouldn't meddle with your friend's ex" This should not be an excuse.
Are you sure she doesn't feel the same way? You should tell her or at least give her some hints about how you feel for her. Maybe you should make the first move? If you don't she will always see you as a friend.

 

[Aron]

"You shouldn't meddle with your friend's ex" This should not be an excuse.

An excuse? Yeah, I thought about it like that, that I always have an excuse as to why not to pursue a woman. But on the other hand, I genuinely feel bad about it. Would you make a move on your friend's ex? It just doesn't seem the right thing to do.

Are you sure she doesn't feel the same way? You should tell her or at least give her some hints about how you feel for her. Maybe you should make the first move? If you don't she will always see you as a friend.

As I said, I'm pretty sure. Recently I told her that the reason I offer her to drive her home is that I like the interaction we have, because I have practically no social life because of my SA. I don't know if that qualifies as a hint from my part, but she didn't really comment on that, except saying that "no worries, I have SA too".
She wasn't very eager to go the to movies during the holidays either, when I mentioned it to her on Friday (we won't meet at work until 2013 jan 3rd, we are both on vacation). She said she doesn't know when she will have the time, she has a lot of things to do. To be honest that sounds like rejection to me. Even if she's really busy (which usually doesn't happen to ppl with SA...), if she really would have liked to go out with me, she could make 3 hours of her time free for a movie, I think.

I'm not very good at hinting these kind of things. Pretty bad actually. Telling her outright or "making a move" (whatever that means) would be quite impossible for me. I've never done such a thing before, and I think I would be too terrified to do anything like that. It would make things between us super awkward too, if she doesn't feel like that way, which is not a good thing when you have to see the other person, and work with her 8 hours a day at work.

 

[laure15]

I think you should ask her if she feels the same way about you. At least that will clear your doubts and make you less tormented. If she likes you back, good but if she doesn't, maybe it's time to move on.

I have a question. What if you meet another girl with SA who is also beautiful and smart? Is it possible that you will also connect with this girl and have a crush on her too? I have SA too and I am naturally drawn to other people with SA. I feel like they can understand me better than folks who don't have SA.

Also, if you're worried about betraying your friend (the ex boyfriend), then consider telling him that you're planning to pursue his ex girlfriend. Chances are, he has probably already moved on and found a new girlfriend. Maybe he can tell you something that you don't know about his ex.

Well, whatever you choose to do, good luck!

 

[JackOfSpades]

As long as she's over him and not going back to him, I say go for it. Being the guy pursuing the girl who just can't let go of the last guy is the worst. That'd be my biggest concern.

 

[Aron]

I think you should ask her if she feels the same way about you. At least that will clear your doubts and make you less tormented. If she likes you back, good but if she doesn't, maybe it's time to move on.

But that's the point, how could I ever move on, if we are practically forced to see each other every day? Don't you think it would mess up our work relationship? I'm not sure how I could handle this.
Have you ever done something like this?

I have a question. What if you meet another girl with SA who is also beautiful and smart? Is it possible that you will also connect with this girl and have a crush on her too? I have SA too and I am naturally drawn to other people with SA. I feel like they can understand me better than folks who don't have SA.

To be honest with you, I'm afraid that I would fall for any girl who I would get in contact with (and who I like physically), who would talk to me, regardless of SA. It's really sad and pathetic, but I think it's an obvious consequence of not having a relationship before. Of course her being SA makes me more drawn to her, because it makes me feel like she would be more understanding.

Also, if you're worried about betraying your friend (the ex boyfriend), then consider telling him that you're planning to pursue his ex girlfriend. Chances are, he has probably already moved on and found a new girlfriend. Maybe he can tell you something that you don't know about his ex.

I did consider it before, but... it's not something I could do easily. I find it very hard, if not nearly impossible to talk about my feelings even to my best friend, so...
I'm also afraid of making a fool out of myself, maybe then he would mention it to her, etc...

 

[Gadfly]

Get another crush.

 

[spider04]

It seems like what you want to do is to completely get over her, even though you have feelings for her, you do not want to have these feelings because you believe there is no way it will become something later, between you and her. It is hard to get over someone you have feelings for, worse if you see her everyday. If that's what you want, to get over her, you should really move on, start looking for another girl.

 

[laure15]

But that's the point, how could I ever move on, if we are practically forced to see each other every day? Don't you think it would mess up our work relationship? I'm not sure how I could handle this.
Have you ever done something like this?

When I was in high school, I had a crush on a classmate for several years. After high school was over, we went to separate colleges. But I admitted my feelings to him before i went to college and got rejected. Afterwards, I knew I had to move on and I did. Your situation is different. I agree it is hard to move on when you have to see her at work everyday and can mess up your work relationship.

I think you need to ask yourself, is this just a crush or is it something much deeper? It's probably just a crush because you mentioned that you can fall for any woman who you are in contact with who would talk to you, regardless of SA.

 

[sullyS25]

1.5 years is a lot, I dont see why you wouldnt pursue this. Who cares what others think. If you like her and you think she likes you then to hell with everyone else. Do you think maybe you are using these excuses not to get close, or try and get close as a defense mechanism because you're afraid to get hurt?

I only ask because that is my MO. To think of any possible reason NOT to pursue an attraction I might have.

 

[Buda]

it's christmas people give presents all the time...maybe is the 2nd year she's waiting for one! who knows?

 

[Aron]

She wasn't very eager to go the to movies during the holidays either, when I mentioned it to her on Friday (we won't meet at work until 2013 jan 3rd, we are both on vacation). She said she doesn't know when she will have the time, she has a lot of things to do. To be honest that sounds like rejection to me. Even if she's really busy (which usually doesn't happen to ppl with SA...), if she really would have liked to go out with me, she could make 3 hours of her time free for a movie, I think.

Oh wow... She just called, saying that she's bored and feels lonely, and since I mentioned the movies, she wondered if we could go tonight.
I said yes, sure, we can go, I feel the same way. Yeah, I know, so much for moving on... but I was just so happy that she called... But now I'm also confused. Why did she tell those things on Friday then?

 

[Aron]

If that's what you want, to get over her, you should really move on, start looking for another girl.

I think you need to ask yourself, is this just a crush or is it something much deeper? It's probably just a crush because you mentioned that you can fall for any woman who you are in contact with who would talk to you, regardless of SA.

Actually, I'm not sure I want to move on. I mean, deep inside, the truth is that I want her. I just don't see that as a possibility, you know?

Do you think maybe you are using these excuses not to get close, or try and get close as a defense mechanism because you're afraid to get hurt?

I only ask because that is my MO. To think of any possible reason NOT to pursue an attraction I might have.

It IS a possibility. Also because it's easier to think like this, than to face your fears, and act.
What is MO btw? Major obsession?

it's christmas people give presents all the time...maybe is the 2nd year she's waiting for one! who knows?

Don't you think it would creep her out? I mean, we never did this before, I'm not sure if we are that close. We used to wish happy birthday though, in SMS, to each other. But giving someone a present for christmas, out of the blue... I don't know. Doesn't that sound too... desperate (for a lack of a better world)?

 

[Steppen-Wolf]

Ugh, that's a tough spot to be in!

The emotional fragility and tendency towards dependency that comes with SA makes these type of situation very, very dangerous.

I don't think anyone else can really tell you what to do, you're the only one that truly knows yourself and what kind of risk you would be taking by trying to get closer to her in a romantic sense.

But in my opinion... maybe you could try simply to enjoy her company?, it's always nice to have someone with whom you feel comfortable, why not make the effort and try to remove the anxiety of romantic feelings?

Quite frankly in these modern times a good friendship is often worth much more than an exciting, yet almost always ephemeral, romantic relationship.

 

[sullyS25]

It is actually supposed to be M.O and it stands for Modus Operandi.....What Im known for and what I tend to do all the time