how do yo learn conversation.

[Al T]

Hi all,



I am new to this forrum. i suffer from social anxiety. One of hte hardest things for me is to make small talk. Today for example: I was talking with a co-worker, and he told me he was going to Dallas for a few days. We talked a little, but afterwards, I thought of several questions i could have asked to keep the conversation going (such as “what airline? What sites are you going to try to see? Have you ever been there before?” etc). I have trouble asking the “next” (or probing) questions. Another example to illustrate it is a few years ago, one of our co-worker’s son was moving to North Carolina. My reply was "that's nice." Someone else's reply was "does he have any friends down there?" Of course, that kept the conversation going. That is what i have problem with, coming up with further questions. How do I learn how to o that?



Thanks,



Al

 

[EscapeArtist]

I have a lot of trouble with this too. (Hi Al, Welcome, by the way).
Perhaps when you are speaking to somebody, make it your goal to learn about the other person.

 

[coyote]

I grew up watching 70's sitcoms

when all else fails, pretend you're in a TV show

 

[I'm Not There]

I know it's easy to say, but you could try to "drag" conversation out of the other person. What I mean is, you should try to say something that will almost definitely make the other person say something.

This doesn't necessarily have to be a question, I'll give a personal example:

I was waiting at the bus stop with a girl from my class, I didn't know her that well. I saw a bus driving by and said "That's the bus I used to take to my physics class" (which was true). She then replied "Oh really, did you study physics? Why did you quit?". And so the conversation got started.

It takes practice to do this, but you can keep a conversation going this way by saying stuff that's only partially related to the topic/situation at hand.

 

[fitftw]

if you find it hard to continue conversation, it seems as if you don't want it to keep going in the first place, right? I rarely make small talk, it's so pointless. Like me posting 99% of the time means nothing.

 

[Al T]

if you find it hard to continue conversation, it seems as if you don't want it to keep going in the first place, right? I rarely make small talk, it's so pointless. Like me posting 99% of the time means nothing.

No - that's not it at all. The case in point just illustrates my problem - I never learned the basic conversation skills. In school I was usually the kid the othes made fun of and it made me withdraw, I have my "safe" comfort zone that I rarely venture out of.

I want to move beyond htis difficulty, but I have no idea how. How do I , as an adult male, learn social skills that most learn in their much younger years?

 

[fitftw]

Nobody can tell you how. You must learn on your own. As for me, I enjoy not knowing what to say to people. Then they think I'm weird and don't try to talk to me again.

 

[Al T]

Nobody can tell you how. You must learn on your own. As for me, I enjoy not knowing what to say to people. Then they think I'm weird and don't try to talk to me again.

That's profound (and a metaphor for life, I guess), I must learn on my own. I will - it is definitely worth it right now for me to learn - not for myself, but for someone who needs my help in a tragic situation.

Thank you, you just made a difference!

 

[kihira]

You've thought of Qs you could have asked , so with practice these may start to come to mind at the time. Conversation span days, so start to come up with Qs to ask on the persons return.

 

[Nabu]

I have the same problem.
From my expierence I have not succeeded to practice conversation with "normal" people. They get bored from the conversation or they talk most of the time.

I think the best idea would be that you find a person e.g here on SPW to practice it.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

Sometimes I pretend that someone I’m friends with is watching me, that way I put my best foot forward, and I don’t feel alone. Nothing works great though, and I always feel off-balance and weird when I’m having a bad SA day.

 

[just wanna b normal]

maybe this will help How to Overcome Social Phobia | eHow.com

 

[Aussie_Lad]

Though it can be hard to put into practise sometimes, I think it is a case of being curious about the person you are talking to. If you can get the other person to continue talking about themselves then it takes a lot of pressure off you as to working out what to say next. You can try some techniques such as the interview technique where you ask them open eneded questions, or the building rapport technique which is sharing something about yourself that you feel the other person can relate to, which will often prompt the other person to agree and then expand on it.