How can I say this to people?

[twiggle]

Having read through this forum and around on the internet I think I've finally realised that this 'Avoidant Personality Disorder' is pretty much me, and I'm pleased to see I'm not the only one who is like this. Not the only one who would stay behind in the school toilets for 15 minutes so that I wouldn't have to see certain people who walk the same way out of the building as I would, not the only one who might block all their MSN contacts because I don't want to have a conversation full of harmless but confusing silences and awkwardnesses, not the only one who would put off getting in contact with somebody I really care about because I'm scared of a lack of response....

I really need to learn how to get over this. The first two examples are old but deep down I know I'm still like it.

Just wish I knew how to let people know the following:

- I still care about you and I always will but I can't contact you because I'm scared I'll mess up or say something that offends you then I'll worry about that for ages and what we have will become less than what we have now.

I need to start writing to people I have no other way of contacting, to show them I still care, but I'm anxious about doing so and keep making excuses not to.

How to do this? I'm so desperate for advice

 

[sara226]

Maybe you should try taking small steps at a time. Like you could start by just texting hi and asking how they are.

 

[Feathers]

Maybe you should try taking small steps at a time. Like you could start by just texting hi and asking how they are.

Small steps are a great idea. If you're a afraid of what they might say or not say, maybe not asking questions might be a better idea. Maybe just something short and sweet like, 'Hi, thinking of you/missing u' (though this might propmt them to contact u and try to talk) with a cute pic,

or just something sweet like a cute image/photo and 'Hey, this reminds me of you/the times we had' or 'Remember the times we had?' or a cute friendship quote or something like that... ?
or you could maybe just forward them a cute chain mail - if it's really a good/sweet one! (I usually hate'em! and some others might too - use the 'blind carbon copy' option to maintain privacy of e-mails) )

or send 'em a nice postcard (RL or virtual, for holidays, or 'just because'..) to still keep a lil bit connected.. you could choose a cute/funny card that expresses a bit how you feel etc. Or maybe song on YouTube and post it into yr FB profile or something? (depends on the situation)

 

[trickynix]

Perhaps you could try to investigate to see why you are like this? Maybe when you were younger, you had someone who was always making fun of you or something? There must be a reason for the insecurity, and I guarantee you, if you search for it, you will probably find it. My thing was that I had an overbearing mother (single mom) who put me down all the time and generally...well, made me feel like ****. She made me believe, subliminally, that I was worthless and that my personality was just somehow wrong.

I know that you may think to yourself, "Someone having made fun of me? That doesn't sound like me...", but you should think on it anyhow. Sometimes we don't see how things really are until we've had some really deep reflections on the matter. For example, I thought my mother was the perfect human being until I went away to college and thought about her and myself ALOT. Investigate how you feel in the situation and really try to see why you feel that way. What makes you feel icky, when does it make you feel icky, and most of all, what are you truly afraid of? Sometimes fear manifests itself in very strange ways...you have to really go deep and not be afraid to explore anything. Once you do this, I am positive it will get better. You can finally realize that you are just awesome, and that you can go up to anyone no problem without having to worry about what they think, or how awkward it will make you feel. It worked for me ...well mostly, it's a work and progress, I have my off days ::

 

[twiggle]

Thank you so much all of you for your thoughtful replies, I liked each of your suggestions

I have been thinking about it all a lot lately. A few weeks ago, when I started the thread I was really at what felt like a crisis point of it all, because I was feeling like not only could I not get in touch with others but that they weren't getting in touch with me, like I was losing them slowly. And I felt partially to blame because effort in friendship is a two way thing.

A few weeks later and I've been reading a really great book about CBT - its by an author called Corinne Sweet. I'm reading it very slowly so I can properly digest the new information, by no means am I cured yet, but it is helping me look deeper into my thoughts and, like trickynix has suggested, think about why I am the way I am.

I am indeed very insecure, I've often had comments made about my personal appearance (although I like to think I look a lot better now than when I was younger) and sometimes people think I'm weird and I guess I just feel like people probably don't want my company, so I avoid them rather than try but be rejected. But then I realised that that probably makes me look rude and like I don't care about others when that couldn't be anything further than the truth. I'm fully behind the notion that "you only get what you give" and now I want to give more and more to others.

I've realised that to do this I need confidence. Confidence in my ability, my personality, and confidence in my friends.

I'm starting to become more at one with my thoughts, and go on a diet and do exercise to look and feel better and get the most out of my life. I also wash daily now (usually I wash every couple of days) because it makes me feel clean and fresh. I'm already starting to feel the difference.

There's still a huge long way to go but over the past couple of weeks I've sent more texts, taken more of an interest in others, and trying to look at the world from another angle. One that sees that we are who we are, but if we want to feel better, we can, and an angle that values other peoples' interests and hobbies a lot more.

I was really pleased with myself the other day because I initiated a conversation with an important friend who lives far away (so regular contact over the computer is vital). I can't do that with just anyone right now and it tends to be the people I'm less close to that I am more anxious about contacting as I have less confidence in the relationship. But just because I'm not as close to them, I still want them to know that I consider them as friends and that I still think about them.

You're all right about the small steps thing. There is definitely a huge long way to go. At the moment I find that something good to do is 'like' a Facebook status or something - doesn't request any kind of response so you don't have to worry about getting one, but shows that you're interested in what someone has to say. In time I hope that I can move on from this solution into one that is more brave and rewarding, like being able to initiate conversation with ANYONE.

I'm sorry for the long essay but perhaps it can help anybody else who has the same problem ::

 

[trickynix]

"sometimes people think I'm weird and I guess I just feel like people probably don't want my company, so I avoid them rather than try but be rejected. But then I realised that that probably makes me look rude and like I don't care about others when that couldn't be anything further than the truth."

I would say this is the perfect concept right here. Most of the time, those of us who are a little socially...inept at times seem to think others don't want our company. It truly is the wrong way of thinking. When you do have the confidence to keep talking to that person, you realize more and more that they do in fact want your company, and all of the worry is a fabrication of your mind

 

[twiggle]

"sometimes people think I'm weird and I guess I just feel like people probably don't want my company, so I avoid them rather than try but be rejected. But then I realised that that probably makes me look rude and like I don't care about others when that couldn't be anything further than the truth."

I would say this is the perfect concept right here. Most of the time, those of us who are a little socially...inept at times seem to think others don't want our company. It truly is the wrong way of thinking. When you do have the confidence to keep talking to that person, you realize more and more that they do in fact want your company, and all of the worry is a fabrication of your mind

Yes I've come to realise that sunlight reflects off itself. The more upbeat you are, the more people will want your company. The more interest you show in others, the more interest they'll show in you. On the flipside, the more negative you are, the less people want to hang out with you.

The challenge I guess is in making and crossing the bridge that takes you to the sunlight. It sounds like you've managed to do it How did you get there?

 

[trickynix]

Well I didn't manage to do it completely, I still have my off days where I hate the world and all I want to do is stay in my room, alone, with the shutters closed....like today...but um I guess like I said before it just takes alot of self reflection. It does take some time in guestimating as to where the problem first originated, this is an enormously important first step. After this, I managed to muster up the balls to ask my friends what they really thought of me. Not just as my friends at the moment, but also what they first thought of me when they first met me; how I came off to them via body language and what have you. THEN I ended up getting a boyfriend who thinks the world of me and always expresses it so...that helped too. (A partner alone will not do it, I must note...social phobias are a constant process that are multifaceted in nature and take constant vigilance). Anyway, I know I keep adding things but another thing you have to learn how to do is make sure that whenever someone SEEMS like they even momentarily don't like you (no matter how fabricated it is), consider it THEIR problem, not yours, and carry on as usual. You'd be surprised how wrong you can be with the signals you pick up. I've noticed that when I do actually pretend that it's their problem when they don't like me and not mine, and I keep carrying on as normal without a dip in character, they DO in fact tend to respond to me, even if it is delayed. Well, delayed in my mind. It's not that they didn't like you or wante nothing to do with you at first it's just...sometimes it takes people time to get used to you. People will not immediately give you fanfair because it's uncharted territory, if you will, and they themselves are still testing the waters. Once they do get used to you, however, they are more prone to show how they really feel. It can be very positive most of the time I guess that's my thought process at the moment, although, like I said above, I still have my lapse days where its really hard. Again, it's a process that takes lots of time, and for which you always have to be working at. You can't really just take a break, you have to sit on yourself until it works for you. It will hurt, and you will feel waaaay out of your comfort zone, but keep working and it WILL pay off

 

[NewtoThis]

Wow.

This helped me and I didn't even post the topic!

 

[twiggle]

Thank you so much for your advice, trickynix.
What I love about this forum is that you know you can trust the advice given because its given from people who've gone through exactly the same thing.
I've been doing a lot of the self-reflection lately. I think sometimes I'm harder on myself than I need to be, but I've also pinpointed parts of me which I know need to change.
I might try asking friends what they think. If they're totally honest then there'll likely be parts of what they say that I don't like to hear, but I guess the fact that they're still my friends regardless should be enough inspiration for me to ask, and improve my ways.
I see this journey of self-discovery and improvement to be like a huge, long road. Once you've started walking along it, you can get tired and weary, and can't see when the end is. But if you turn back you make a mockery of the steps you've already taken.
*Sigh* It's been a difficult week compared to last week. This is the point I normally give up with trying to change but this time I'm sticking it out.
Thanks a lot again trickynix

 

[twiggle]

Wow.

This helped me and I didn't even post the topic!

It's good to see how sharing experiences can be so beneficial. I'm also quite new to this forum, and already its having a massive impact and making me more determined to address the issues, whereas in the past I'd just try to convince myself blindly that everythings ok and I don't need to change. I used to feel kinda embarassed of my problems because often it seems like nobody else has it but having discovered this forum I realise thats not necessarily true, and that its nothing to be ashamed of

 

[trickynix]

I'm so glad you feel hopeful I'm glad we have discussed all this as well, it's good to get things out there

 

[trickynix]

Oh, and I'm also glad you are planning to keep with it, even if you do think you aren't doing so well, or it gets rough. The Japanese have a wonderful proverb: Fall seven times, stand up eight.

 

[giantyx]

just say it, do not become like me.

some of my friends tink that i am being very fake because sometimes i have this problem and they tink i am a weirdo in front of them. they are not concerned about why i am like tis at all, and some even make fun of me, so hell, i decided not to ever see their faces again.

i did open up my problems to some of my friends, but most of them did not believe me. so i believe u shud be frank and tell others u have this problem, even when looking for a job, because from my experience, hiding all my problems has led to me being very depressed, to the point of nearly dropping studies and edning my life. though helpless, i am still willing to believe there are people in this world that can accept u for who u are and care about you, unfortunately for me i have not met one yet.

 

[trickynix]

giantyx, it's true, there are people out there who will accept you or who you are and care about you, and you are right, you just have to find them. Trust me in that.

 

[twiggle]

Oh, and I'm also glad you are planning to keep with it, even if you do think you aren't doing so well, or it gets rough. The Japanese have a wonderful proverb: Fall seven times, stand up eight.

Yes, that is a wonderful proverb

Well I've been trying to keep up with this new approach for a while and sometimes I make some steps, when appropriate. They don't always work but I'm learning how to wipe away the setbacks like hailstones on a windshield. This week has definitely been a bit of a "fall" but I'm still determined to get over this. Even if slowly

Trickynix how are you doing with it? Is all still going well for you? I hope so

 

[SPV]

I think chatting would be the best thing to go about this. You can tell them why you've been acting the way you do and that it doesn't mean what they think it might mean. I bet they'll understand.

 

[trickynix]

Yes, that is a wonderful proverb

Well I've been trying to keep up with this new approach for a while and sometimes I make some steps, when appropriate. They don't always work but I'm learning how to wipe away the setbacks like hailstones on a windshield. This week has definitely been a bit of a "fall" but I'm still determined to get over this. Even if slowly

Trickynix how are you doing with it? Is all still going well for you? I hope so

Hey there. Again, it is good you are keeping up with it

Actually I feel like I'm doing pretty well. I mean, I feel like I've had more time than other people to embark on this journey (I've been on it for a year and a half now?), and I feel like I'm getting better at reading the signs of people. How they respond, how they interact. I guess I could say the biggest thing I've learned this month itself is to just act naturally. It's no more complicated than that, but at the same time, this can be rather difficult because obviously if it felt natural, the problem wouldn't be there. Anyway, I will say it works though. I have taken the steps to make sure my body language reads that I am open to conversation (standing close to them but not creeper status close, eyes on theirs but not staring them down, nodding when appropriate, making sure my face doesn't look tense and that I'm smiling), and I make sure to say what comes to mind that can be relevant to the conversation, even if it feels like I'm saying too much or just babbling. When I DO say these things, I know they have to be said as if I'm just out to lunch talking to a long time friend. If not, it loses it's validity and just drops, and the other person just kind of goes, "what?" But if I talk to them like I welcome them, and like they are good friends of mine, they typically pick up on it right away. It also feels rather freeing when this happens for the first time, although yes, nerve racking.

The last thing I've come to focus on is that first time anxiety when I go up to talk to a new person. The first thing that flashes through my mind is, "Oh no! A new person... I don't want this..." But then I calm myself down and say, "Relax, it's not as bad as that" and I go up and talk to them. So yes, I still get that feeling. The thing is though...it never really is as bad as you think. This made me realize that it's not so much the talking to people that is scary...it's those long time fears you are USED to having that you'll think you'll feel that make you feel afraid. If that makes sense? That sentence was a little messed up... You expect yourself to be afraid, so you are thus afraid, that's what I meant. You even sometimes worry what would happen if you WEREN'T afraid. What if you could just talk to anyone??? Wouldn't it reveal things about yourself you didn't want to know; put your identity up under the microscope of someone else's perspective so that you are in constant confusion? It's usually at these moments where you have to say, "Give it up. You are who you are, and there doesn't have to be any confusion. If they do not match you, move on and walk away. You do not have to question yourself, you do nothing wrong."

So, that's my progress. Of course I've had some troubles with life so sometimes I go to events and just think, "GOD I don't want to talk to anyone right now...I just want to be in my room alone...", but those moments are becoming far few and in between. I usually force myself to stay committed to social events so that I'll be constantly in the working-stage process. I will say, things are looking up.

I hope this was helpful!

 

[theslowesthand]

Haha, i'm very much like this, but maybe "just a tad" more - seem to be "stuck" with these particular set of issues for life now...

Having read through this forum and around on the internet I think I've finally realised that this 'Avoidant Personality Disorder' is pretty much me, and I'm pleased to see I'm not the only one who is like this. Not the only one who would stay behind in the school toilets for 15 minutes so that I wouldn't have to see certain people who walk the same way out of the building as I would

At school i guess i was probably "well known" for "not wanting to be known". I hardly said "boo" in class. Was "paralyzed" whenever the class attention was on me (eg speeches). I hated people even seeing/looking-at me .. one of my "ways" was whenever going between classes i would often wait for a group to be going where i was going, and then "tailgated" them, effecticely "shielding" me from the "onslaught" of oncoming students (= "DANGER") (as i knew that i could very very easily feel very bad at the slightest look, remark, etc, or even just by being looked at)

not the only one who might block all their MSN contacts because I don't want to have a conversation full of harmless but confusing silences and awkwardnesses

I refuse all live chatting. I hate it when i receive a "spam" message from a complete stranger via Yahoo! Messenger (i've TRIED to block the IPs/ports that Yahoo Chat uses, but the buggers are still getting through). I've got these "mental blocks" you see - kind of like rigid, inflexible, irrefutable rules that i MUST abide by.

not the only one who would put off getting in contact with somebody I really care about because I'm scared of a lack of response....

I have a friend whom i regularly email, & occasionally ring if its urgent.
My other good friend, am drifting away from, as i "keep making excuses" not to call him (eg his wife won't like the interruption, i'm too negative,..). He's told me to 'stay in touch', but i don't really, as now its only once per year or less that i ring him. Known him since teens. Never mind, as unless i'm in a really "good/happening/action" mood (which happens almost never) i will simply refuse to ring him.
I know how to get in contact with some friends from my past, but again i won't allow myself. 'The past is the past, it's history, forget about it, move on - and forget about them' (that sort of ruthless rule-belief).

I need to start writing to people I have no other way of contacting, to show them I still care, but I'm anxious about doing so and keep making excuses not to

I think maybe that MIGHT be a way that i could get around it. But even then its still just a maybe.

 

[trickynix]

I don't mean to reply with such a short response Twiggle but: exactly