Why is he so important?
He isn't.
I think it's just the fact that he was a person I trusted-- and the first person outside of my immediate family who accepted me/my disorders/my past... I felt comfortable with him and I can't feel comfortable with anyone anymore because I'm too terrified of people.
He is just a face for that feeling, I think.
I hate how shallow I feel-- worrying so much about my looks and even the thought that I might 'need' validation from anyone but myself...
I always wanted to be a strong individual but I can't figure out how to not care.
I understand. I think you have to try to let him go, even for your own sanity, you know? You're still stinging over it and it's been a very long time. :sad: I don't know how, exactly. Maybe focusing on what else is important to you, whether it's art, music, finding work, or whatever. Little personal victories.
I wouldn't even worry about your looks. 🙂
You'll get there with it, I'm sure. Have you spoken to your mum about this? Maybe she can help you out?
I understand. I think you have to try to let him go, even for your own sanity, you know? You're still stinging over it and it's been a very long time. :sad: I don't know how, exactly. Maybe focusing on what else is important to you, whether it's art, music, finding work, or whatever. Little personal victories.
I wouldn't even worry about your looks. 🙂
You'll get there with it, I'm sure. Have you spoken to your mum about this? Maybe she can help you out?
I've been trying diligently to let him go for 4 years.
I've written letters and never sent them - written in journals - tried finding new hobbies and keeping myself distracted; finding things that I like...
I just don't like anything.
I keep looking, though.
Mom and I talk about it often and she's run out of advice to give me.
She always just listened to sad music after a breakup for a few days-- then moved on and dated someone else.
I tried that.
The guy ditched me about 10 minutes in and the next 4 guys also ran away from me.
So-- I keep trying to figure out something to help me from the inside rather than expecting some guy to help me out.
That's obviously not happening.
I've been trying diligently to let him go for 4 years.
I've written letters and never sent them - written in journals - tried finding new hobbies and keeping myself distracted; finding things that I like...
I just don't like anything.
I keep looking, though.
Mom and I talk about it often and she's run out of advice to give me.
She always just listened to sad music after a breakup for a few days-- then moved on and dated someone else.
I tried that.
The guy ditched me about 10 minutes in and the next 4 guys also ran away from me.
So-- I keep trying to figure out something to help me from the inside rather than expecting some guy to help me out.
That's obviously not happening.
Writing letters about what you'd like to say to him and not sending them are actually great ways to get what you want out without the fallout from the other party. Nice.
I'm sorry about the other guys you've started dating. Why would they "run away"? It doesn't make any sense. Besides, the guy ditching you after a measly ten minutes says more about him than it does about you.
Despite you not liking anything, I'm glad you're still looking. It means you have hope, not matter how flickering it is. 🙂
You're always welcome to chat to me any time...if you're not too scared of me. I am a crazy Australian, of course. :😛:
If I only knew what I wanted to do, things would have been much, much easier. I think a lot, yet there are no answers. It is as if all the roads are kind of blocked. Whatever I come up with has some sort of obstacle. There is no way! Sometimes I feel I will just give up. There is no point trying to find answers. Let the world , my world be like it is. It is the best thing to do. There should be no change. There can be no change. It will just lead me to another breakdown. That will be something I will not be able to handle. What's the point in disturbing my world when there isn't a way out? It will only cause heartache to me and just a few people who bother about me. I will have to accept everything. I don't know what I want. So it seems right I should accept what I have and accept what I can't have. Day dreaming is not going to make things happen. There is no way to get what I want, I don't even know what I want. Depression seems a tiny word to describe what I feel. I am not even sure if I feel it, I must be my imagination. I may be making things up. I may not be in so bad condition as I feel myself to be in, may be I am used to exaggerate my feelings. There isn't any point in what I am writing anyway. It just feels good to let it out ! If someone hears my thoughts they will call me foolish. I often find myself wondering how foolish I am..how stupidly emotional , wanting , hurting , childish. I wanted a better me, but I don't seem to get anywhere near me. Everyday is the same..with the same routine of "doing nothing". Even if I get a mundane job, be a clerk or something or be a teacher if I could , nothing will change. I will still want a nicer job that will satisfy me and still I will have no idea what job I want. May be I will be married, who knows, and may be not. What's the point in dragging anyone in my life. I can be as sad as I want to, but why try to bring sadness in someone else's life. Its funny I can't even explain why I feel this way, why I feel so damn depressed and sad and empty. All the positivity is like a flicker. It lasts for seconds or minutes or hours .That 's it.
Again I am back to square one. I talk to people, I don't know what they think of me. In real life I can't really talk all this stuff. I don't think anyone will bother or even understand. I thought of writing out my thoughts, it lasted a few days. Its been like four-five days since I last wrote. I just don't know what to do anymore. Its been a really long battle with myself. I am tired. It will go on for forever. Sometimes life seems like a rubbish load that I have been destined to carry. I am no use to anyone. I am no use to myself. I am this ....whatever. May be will laugh on re-reading this . Laugh is not the word. I will be amazed I guess.
Ma oldest sister being a c*nt... Nuthin' new there.
Blaming me fur no' doin' somethin' for her while she was away on holiday... She didnae even tell me ah hud tae do it. Jesus fuc... If ye tell me tae do summit ah'll remember and do it. But if ye dinnae then dinnae lay the blame at ma door fur summit you forget tae do.
But ma oldest step-sibling always hud that "victim mentality" when things dinnae go her way, or ye call her on something she said or done.
And ma cousin wonders why me and ma sister 're no' as close we use tae be,
Have no interest in anything much this week..just want to go to sleep. I have no motivation.. I don't even think I am going to leave the house this weekend because I don't even care to be around anyone.
Have no interest in anything much this week..just want to go to sleep. I have no motivation.. I don't even think I am going to leave the house this weekend because I don't even care to be around anyone.
Same here... Ah cannae be arsed daein' anythin' either. :bigsmile:
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