ShyArtist1981
Member
Hi, I´m a long term sufferer of social anxiety and / or maybe having an avoidant personality, I´m not sure. Here´s my background:
I can pinpoint exactly when my problems became bad and debilitating. It started during my early adolescence when my parents divorced. My family never really communicated any ways so the divorce wasn´t a big deal. What happened after was that I was forced to move to a new neighborhood leaving all my friends behind and going to a new school were I didn´t know anyone. My shyness kept me from making friends initially which caused me to stand out as an easy target to a group of bullies there. I was picked on almost everyday for two years at that school. That´s when I first developed anxiety and depression, I wanted to kill myself and those that tormented me but never had the guts just like I never had the guts to stand up for myself.
I graduated from that school (junior high aka hell) and then went to high school were I met back up with friends I made back in elementary but only hung around them at school for security and never after school. I never left the house except for school and work. My teenage years can essentially be summed up as time wasted watching TV, playing computer games, and locking myself in my room and thinking how the world was moving on without me because of my self-imposed prison. My parents barely noticed or, if they did, thought it was ¨normal teenager moodiness¨ or some s***. My siblings never took notice of me. Being ignored by family and abused and rejected by peers is a very bad combination.
After high school I hated who I was and my life and knew that staying with my apathetic family would get me nowhere so I joined the Marines. That was actually a very good decision. I hated all the micromanaging but I actually made friends, some really close. I still stay in contact with one of them, he is the closest friend I´ve made up to now. It did make me mentally stronger but I still had problems. Nevertheless I was able to go to school and earn a degree in electronics. I´ve been a technician since then but it´s not very interesting and I´m becoming more interested in art instead.
I noticed that my anxiety and depression have slowly been getting worse since I left the military, I also did not make any friends since I left which was about 6 years ago, there´s probably a correlation there. My family shows even less interest in me now than when I lived with them so my life is very lonely at the moment. Over the last year I´ve been doing a lot of introspection since I´ve once again become depressed with where I am with my life. I´ve started drinking more, mainly to kill time, but I have also gone out a few times with co-workers after work to the bar and have loosened up somewhat because of that. I´m slowly becoming more open and expressive which is definitely a good thing but there are also days where I want to die. I was seeing a therapist for about a month but stopped going because I knew the guy didn´t really care about me. I´m thinking of seeing another therapist, I recently found out about an anxiety treatment center near me. I just have to work up the courage to use the phone... I hate how I get nervous over all these stupid little things that everyone else can do like it´s nothing.
I think I´m slowly recovering, all the personal information in this post is evidence of this I think. I would be happy to share what I´ve learned so far but I´m still far from perfect, I´m 28 and still never had a romantic releationship, pitiful.
I can pinpoint exactly when my problems became bad and debilitating. It started during my early adolescence when my parents divorced. My family never really communicated any ways so the divorce wasn´t a big deal. What happened after was that I was forced to move to a new neighborhood leaving all my friends behind and going to a new school were I didn´t know anyone. My shyness kept me from making friends initially which caused me to stand out as an easy target to a group of bullies there. I was picked on almost everyday for two years at that school. That´s when I first developed anxiety and depression, I wanted to kill myself and those that tormented me but never had the guts just like I never had the guts to stand up for myself.
I graduated from that school (junior high aka hell) and then went to high school were I met back up with friends I made back in elementary but only hung around them at school for security and never after school. I never left the house except for school and work. My teenage years can essentially be summed up as time wasted watching TV, playing computer games, and locking myself in my room and thinking how the world was moving on without me because of my self-imposed prison. My parents barely noticed or, if they did, thought it was ¨normal teenager moodiness¨ or some s***. My siblings never took notice of me. Being ignored by family and abused and rejected by peers is a very bad combination.
After high school I hated who I was and my life and knew that staying with my apathetic family would get me nowhere so I joined the Marines. That was actually a very good decision. I hated all the micromanaging but I actually made friends, some really close. I still stay in contact with one of them, he is the closest friend I´ve made up to now. It did make me mentally stronger but I still had problems. Nevertheless I was able to go to school and earn a degree in electronics. I´ve been a technician since then but it´s not very interesting and I´m becoming more interested in art instead.
I noticed that my anxiety and depression have slowly been getting worse since I left the military, I also did not make any friends since I left which was about 6 years ago, there´s probably a correlation there. My family shows even less interest in me now than when I lived with them so my life is very lonely at the moment. Over the last year I´ve been doing a lot of introspection since I´ve once again become depressed with where I am with my life. I´ve started drinking more, mainly to kill time, but I have also gone out a few times with co-workers after work to the bar and have loosened up somewhat because of that. I´m slowly becoming more open and expressive which is definitely a good thing but there are also days where I want to die. I was seeing a therapist for about a month but stopped going because I knew the guy didn´t really care about me. I´m thinking of seeing another therapist, I recently found out about an anxiety treatment center near me. I just have to work up the courage to use the phone... I hate how I get nervous over all these stupid little things that everyone else can do like it´s nothing.
I think I´m slowly recovering, all the personal information in this post is evidence of this I think. I would be happy to share what I´ve learned so far but I´m still far from perfect, I´m 28 and still never had a romantic releationship, pitiful.
