Newtype
Well-known member
There is no doubt that when I think about my past, I regret many things, all because of S.A.D. It made me lifeless, I had no personality, no courage to do what I truly wanted to do. I always thought about what other people thought of me. I would try to keep a low profile to make sure no one has an opinion of me. Now I'm 22, I haven't had an adolescence and I don't know what being in a relationship is like.
There was this girl who was in my classes during high school and college. She was a very, very beautiful girl, and intelligent too. In fact, she has always been the most beautiful girl in school in my opinion. I never approached her because I was too scared. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what she would think of me and also, I didn't understand the whole procedure of opening up to someone. I still don't. For six years, I just admired her, without being creepy of course. What's worse is that I think she was attracted to me too. One time, she and her friend were talking, then her friend came to see me and asked me if I loved her (the girl). I know, it's silly that she didn't ask me that herself, but we were still young at the time. I was stunned when she asked that and I was so scared of what could happen that I said no. I SAID NO! Just because I didn't want her or anyone else to laugh at me in case she wasn't interested in me. After, we just continued like nothing happened. Thinking back, she might have been shy herself and that's why she never said anything, but she didn't seem shy around others.
Things got weirder in college. That's when my S.A.D. really reached the maximum level and I became depressed. The girl became friends with one of my friends, who secretly had a crush on her. Every day, they would talk to each other and every night, he would talk to me about her on MSN. It was awkward, and I never told him that I loved her. I didn't wanna ruin what he had going with her. Sometimes, he would tell me that she talked about me to him and said that I was good-looking and cute. But there again, she never once tried to approach me. Once, they both sat in front of me while I was eating. I didn't like that because I don't like it when people see me eat. Of course, I didn't like that they were together and looking at me like I was some kind of animal. She was looking at me but I couldn't even look at her in the eyes. I felt so bad, so tense, so nervous, I just wanted them to go away, which they eventually did. In the end, they never were a couple, just friends, and that didn't last either.
Later, my friend, who I don't talk to anymore, told me that she had a really dumb boyfriend. The kind of idiot that usually gets the pretty girls, you know what I mean. I haven't seen her in like four years now, but whenever I think about her, I get so angry at myself. S.A.D. does horrible things to people. I'd love to see her again one day and talk to her, but that will probably never happen. A lot of people here are like me. We hope to have a better future and meet nice people, but sometimes I wish I could fix some of my past too.
There was this girl who was in my classes during high school and college. She was a very, very beautiful girl, and intelligent too. In fact, she has always been the most beautiful girl in school in my opinion. I never approached her because I was too scared. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what she would think of me and also, I didn't understand the whole procedure of opening up to someone. I still don't. For six years, I just admired her, without being creepy of course. What's worse is that I think she was attracted to me too. One time, she and her friend were talking, then her friend came to see me and asked me if I loved her (the girl). I know, it's silly that she didn't ask me that herself, but we were still young at the time. I was stunned when she asked that and I was so scared of what could happen that I said no. I SAID NO! Just because I didn't want her or anyone else to laugh at me in case she wasn't interested in me. After, we just continued like nothing happened. Thinking back, she might have been shy herself and that's why she never said anything, but she didn't seem shy around others.
Things got weirder in college. That's when my S.A.D. really reached the maximum level and I became depressed. The girl became friends with one of my friends, who secretly had a crush on her. Every day, they would talk to each other and every night, he would talk to me about her on MSN. It was awkward, and I never told him that I loved her. I didn't wanna ruin what he had going with her. Sometimes, he would tell me that she talked about me to him and said that I was good-looking and cute. But there again, she never once tried to approach me. Once, they both sat in front of me while I was eating. I didn't like that because I don't like it when people see me eat. Of course, I didn't like that they were together and looking at me like I was some kind of animal. She was looking at me but I couldn't even look at her in the eyes. I felt so bad, so tense, so nervous, I just wanted them to go away, which they eventually did. In the end, they never were a couple, just friends, and that didn't last either.
Later, my friend, who I don't talk to anymore, told me that she had a really dumb boyfriend. The kind of idiot that usually gets the pretty girls, you know what I mean. I haven't seen her in like four years now, but whenever I think about her, I get so angry at myself. S.A.D. does horrible things to people. I'd love to see her again one day and talk to her, but that will probably never happen. A lot of people here are like me. We hope to have a better future and meet nice people, but sometimes I wish I could fix some of my past too.
