I came to this forum specifically to make this post, and I apologize for its length. Let me start by saying that I've never been a social butterfly -- my life has been plagued by awkward situations, I've never had very many friends (at no point have I ever needed more than one hand to count the total number), and I've never had a girlfriend (which I don't particularly mind, but it's probably got something to do with that fact that I'm an unattractive social failure).
I began college recently, and aside from the handful of students from my high school who'd also ended up at the same university I attend, I'd kept entirely to myself. Weeks passed without even the most casual of relationships developing between me and any new person (unless I'm with one of my few friends, I almost never speak unless I'm either spoken to or I have no other choice but to speak, so it's no surprise that I remained so isolated). My few friends began to wonder why I hadn't met anyone new as yet -- they'd all made some new friends already, but I hadn't met anyone (nor was I making any effort to -- social phobia).
That is, until one day in psychology class, in about the fifth week of the first semester. We'd taken a test the class before and the professor had the results. On her PowerPoint slide were the names of the seven (out of about four or five hundred) students who'd gotten perfect scores -- mine was amongst them. (One of my only redeeming qualities was that I'd always been relatively decent at schoolwork, though I'm questioning even that today.)
I accidentally let out an arrogant laugh and stopped myself once I remembered I was in public. I felt terrible immediately afterwards because the students surrounding me had heard my cocky cackle and probably hated me for it. There were two girls sitting on either side of me, and the one on my right sighed a solemn "Congrats..."
Then something completely unexpected happened: the one on my left asked if I was one of the seven students. I nodded and shamefully responded "Yes". Then she gave me her number.
She wanted to know if she could study with me. We exchanged text messages for a bit and she came off as an incredibly pleasant person. Of course, I agreed to study with her. I was ecstatic, to be honest; I'd finally met a potential acquaintance, the first (and to this day, the only) in my college career.
We met once or twice a week outside of class to study, and we got to know each other somewhat. I discovered that we shared a few common interests, a major one being that we were both quite fascinated by South America. We saved seats for each other so that we could sit together during psychology class. She'd even invited me out to coffee with her after class or after studying a handful of times (I don't actually drink coffee, and I don't think she does either, but then again most of the menu items at Starbucks really aren't coffee). Our casual relationship continued to advance to the point at which I think I would have considered us "friends".
The first semester was nearing its end, which was unfortunate because I genuinely enjoyed our occasional meetings. I figured I'd probably never see her again after it was over as she'd have no reason to speak to me. However, she again did something totally unexpected: she asked if I'd like to take one or two classes with her next semester.
I couldn't deny it. I signed up for one she'd already enrolled in and would have liked to sign up for another, but my schedule wouldn't allow it. Still, I was grateful for even one class with her.
The first semester ended, and we parted ways for winter recess. Then I made a major mistake -- I misplaced my phone, my only means of communicating with her aside from in person. I didn't find it until over a month later, already a few days into the second semester. I didn't see her in the class we'd signed up for together.
I was devastated. I'd ruined my measly relationship with her by losing my phone. She'd apparently sent me a message over winter recess stating that she was going to exchange the class we'd enrolled in for another, but my phone was gone and I couldn't respond. When I finally got into contact with her again, I explained my idiotic mistake. She figured I simply "didn't care" that she was taking a different course when she received no response, but understood upon realizing that my silence wasn't intentional -- quite stupid of me to misplace my phone, yes, but most definitely not intentional; I would never want to jeopardize whatever shred of a relationship we'd established. This was all via text message.
I ran into her in person a few days later in the university library. We had a small conversation about our schedules, and to my surprise she said "we still need to take a class together". I was so relieved that she hadn't given up on me. I wasn't sure how I'd get into a class of hers, though; I did have to rearrange a few classes in my schedule, but it was so late that I probably wouldn't be able to select any of her exact classes.
So I got my schedule rearranged, wondering if I'd ever have a class with her or any reason to speak to her again. If we didn’t take at least one class together this semester, she probably wouldn't want a class with me the semester after as we'd have drifted too far apart by then.
To my surprise, and completely by chance, two of the three new classes I'd added to my schedule were also hers -- a math class and global studies. After nearly exterminating the meager relationship I'd established with her, I was truly lucky enough to unintentionally end up in two of her classes.
In this second semester, for some reason, I began to get irrationally (I think, although perhaps I may be rightfully so) paranoid around her. The few times we would walk out of our new class together, we would spend a few minutes together and then I would excuse myself. Whether such excuses were premature or not I can't really say, but I hate feeling as though I'm imposing myself on a person, so I make excuses to leave. This happened very occasionally in the first semester, but it was happening much more frequently in this second one. I can't help but feel as though I'm sticking around when I'm not exactly wanted. Still, as recently as last week she asked me to assist her with a project for the class, which I did. (After class last week, too, I made an excuse to leave when I couldn't determine whether she wanted me around or not after it'd ended. We walked and chatted a bit, and then she said "I have to go to [building X] to do some homework. Where are you headed?" I didn't have anything urgent that needed to get done, so I could have followed her, but again, I wasn't sure she wanted me to. So I responded with "I have to go to [building Y].")
Then today happened. We got to class and exchanged a few words during the movie that played (and I mean a few; probably fewer than three sentences). Class ended, and she said "I'm going to the bathroom" as we exited. I couldn't decide whether she wanted me to wait for her or not -- why would she tell me that otherwise? But then again, I still felt incredibly paranoid -- what if she only told me that so that I wouldn't wait for her?
I sort of floated around while trying to make a decision when she exited the bathroom, much sooner than I'd expected. We made eye contact. Suddenly I felt like a completely horrible, disgusting, creepy stalker -- it looked like I was pacing around near the bathroom waiting for her to exit, even though she probably wasn't expecting me to (and may have preferred I left). My heart sank -- "she did want me to leave", I thought. Feeling like an absolutely creepy, moronic loser, I simply ran out of the building as quickly as I could.
I have been unable to get my mind off it. "She will never make an effort to interact with me again; she must think I'm a creep". "I'll have to find a new seat in the global studies class so that she will at least not have to sit near me any longer". I honestly believe this time I've truly destroyed the pathetic relationship I had with her that I enjoyed so much. I really did appreciate her as a friend, and I think I've ruined that.
So I'm here to ask, do you think I've ruined it beyond repair? Is there anything I can or should do? The other class I have with her -- math -- is tomorrow, but I've never actually seen her in it because I only recently switched into it and it's a very large lecture. Should I make any attempt to find her or simply quit? What do I do? Any advice would be appreciated. I truly feel I've majorly screwed up, and I'd rather not lose her companionship, but I don't know if she wants to have anything to do with me after today's intensely uncomfortable situation.
Again, I'm very sorry this is so long, and am truly grateful to anyone who reads it -- if anyone ever does.
I began college recently, and aside from the handful of students from my high school who'd also ended up at the same university I attend, I'd kept entirely to myself. Weeks passed without even the most casual of relationships developing between me and any new person (unless I'm with one of my few friends, I almost never speak unless I'm either spoken to or I have no other choice but to speak, so it's no surprise that I remained so isolated). My few friends began to wonder why I hadn't met anyone new as yet -- they'd all made some new friends already, but I hadn't met anyone (nor was I making any effort to -- social phobia).
That is, until one day in psychology class, in about the fifth week of the first semester. We'd taken a test the class before and the professor had the results. On her PowerPoint slide were the names of the seven (out of about four or five hundred) students who'd gotten perfect scores -- mine was amongst them. (One of my only redeeming qualities was that I'd always been relatively decent at schoolwork, though I'm questioning even that today.)
I accidentally let out an arrogant laugh and stopped myself once I remembered I was in public. I felt terrible immediately afterwards because the students surrounding me had heard my cocky cackle and probably hated me for it. There were two girls sitting on either side of me, and the one on my right sighed a solemn "Congrats..."
Then something completely unexpected happened: the one on my left asked if I was one of the seven students. I nodded and shamefully responded "Yes". Then she gave me her number.
She wanted to know if she could study with me. We exchanged text messages for a bit and she came off as an incredibly pleasant person. Of course, I agreed to study with her. I was ecstatic, to be honest; I'd finally met a potential acquaintance, the first (and to this day, the only) in my college career.
We met once or twice a week outside of class to study, and we got to know each other somewhat. I discovered that we shared a few common interests, a major one being that we were both quite fascinated by South America. We saved seats for each other so that we could sit together during psychology class. She'd even invited me out to coffee with her after class or after studying a handful of times (I don't actually drink coffee, and I don't think she does either, but then again most of the menu items at Starbucks really aren't coffee). Our casual relationship continued to advance to the point at which I think I would have considered us "friends".
The first semester was nearing its end, which was unfortunate because I genuinely enjoyed our occasional meetings. I figured I'd probably never see her again after it was over as she'd have no reason to speak to me. However, she again did something totally unexpected: she asked if I'd like to take one or two classes with her next semester.
I couldn't deny it. I signed up for one she'd already enrolled in and would have liked to sign up for another, but my schedule wouldn't allow it. Still, I was grateful for even one class with her.
The first semester ended, and we parted ways for winter recess. Then I made a major mistake -- I misplaced my phone, my only means of communicating with her aside from in person. I didn't find it until over a month later, already a few days into the second semester. I didn't see her in the class we'd signed up for together.
I was devastated. I'd ruined my measly relationship with her by losing my phone. She'd apparently sent me a message over winter recess stating that she was going to exchange the class we'd enrolled in for another, but my phone was gone and I couldn't respond. When I finally got into contact with her again, I explained my idiotic mistake. She figured I simply "didn't care" that she was taking a different course when she received no response, but understood upon realizing that my silence wasn't intentional -- quite stupid of me to misplace my phone, yes, but most definitely not intentional; I would never want to jeopardize whatever shred of a relationship we'd established. This was all via text message.
I ran into her in person a few days later in the university library. We had a small conversation about our schedules, and to my surprise she said "we still need to take a class together". I was so relieved that she hadn't given up on me. I wasn't sure how I'd get into a class of hers, though; I did have to rearrange a few classes in my schedule, but it was so late that I probably wouldn't be able to select any of her exact classes.
So I got my schedule rearranged, wondering if I'd ever have a class with her or any reason to speak to her again. If we didn’t take at least one class together this semester, she probably wouldn't want a class with me the semester after as we'd have drifted too far apart by then.
To my surprise, and completely by chance, two of the three new classes I'd added to my schedule were also hers -- a math class and global studies. After nearly exterminating the meager relationship I'd established with her, I was truly lucky enough to unintentionally end up in two of her classes.
In this second semester, for some reason, I began to get irrationally (I think, although perhaps I may be rightfully so) paranoid around her. The few times we would walk out of our new class together, we would spend a few minutes together and then I would excuse myself. Whether such excuses were premature or not I can't really say, but I hate feeling as though I'm imposing myself on a person, so I make excuses to leave. This happened very occasionally in the first semester, but it was happening much more frequently in this second one. I can't help but feel as though I'm sticking around when I'm not exactly wanted. Still, as recently as last week she asked me to assist her with a project for the class, which I did. (After class last week, too, I made an excuse to leave when I couldn't determine whether she wanted me around or not after it'd ended. We walked and chatted a bit, and then she said "I have to go to [building X] to do some homework. Where are you headed?" I didn't have anything urgent that needed to get done, so I could have followed her, but again, I wasn't sure she wanted me to. So I responded with "I have to go to [building Y].")
Then today happened. We got to class and exchanged a few words during the movie that played (and I mean a few; probably fewer than three sentences). Class ended, and she said "I'm going to the bathroom" as we exited. I couldn't decide whether she wanted me to wait for her or not -- why would she tell me that otherwise? But then again, I still felt incredibly paranoid -- what if she only told me that so that I wouldn't wait for her?
I sort of floated around while trying to make a decision when she exited the bathroom, much sooner than I'd expected. We made eye contact. Suddenly I felt like a completely horrible, disgusting, creepy stalker -- it looked like I was pacing around near the bathroom waiting for her to exit, even though she probably wasn't expecting me to (and may have preferred I left). My heart sank -- "she did want me to leave", I thought. Feeling like an absolutely creepy, moronic loser, I simply ran out of the building as quickly as I could.
I have been unable to get my mind off it. "She will never make an effort to interact with me again; she must think I'm a creep". "I'll have to find a new seat in the global studies class so that she will at least not have to sit near me any longer". I honestly believe this time I've truly destroyed the pathetic relationship I had with her that I enjoyed so much. I really did appreciate her as a friend, and I think I've ruined that.
So I'm here to ask, do you think I've ruined it beyond repair? Is there anything I can or should do? The other class I have with her -- math -- is tomorrow, but I've never actually seen her in it because I only recently switched into it and it's a very large lecture. Should I make any attempt to find her or simply quit? What do I do? Any advice would be appreciated. I truly feel I've majorly screwed up, and I'd rather not lose her companionship, but I don't know if she wants to have anything to do with me after today's intensely uncomfortable situation.
Again, I'm very sorry this is so long, and am truly grateful to anyone who reads it -- if anyone ever does.
