Hatred for Humans (Contains gruesome content)

[DukeOtakuNukem]

I have been living with extreme social anxiety since I was young, but it eventually developed itself into pure hatred for humans. I used to
partake in something called "language exchange" to improve my Japanese, only to be blocked and deleted by more than half of native Japanese speakers I met, leading to abandoning my old Skype account, and only adding my best friends to the new account in extreme fear of being rejected by whatever Japanese language partners I had left, as I was ignored by whomever I had left anyways, first I would be ignored, regardless of my friendly messages, and then be deleted immediately, leading me to isolate myself from them completely by doing that, and any other humans around me. I have been to a psychologist, only to be insulted with remarks such as "Looks like you are going to hiding behind a bottle", "I'm not surprised they deleted you" and lastly "But I won't delete you" and laughs as if its a goddamn joke. That is it, I hate humans, and I wish every day that the entire human race, including myself would be decimated so that there can be peace. What the hell am I saying though? I don't know what to do anymore. Now I sound like a typical TV news case, and society will continue to hate me as long as I exist. I'm tired of being around, I have attempted suicide several times in the past, with one of them sending me to the emergency room five years ago. I don't know what to do at this point, and I avoid humans as much as I can now in fear of being further insulted. I used to hate particular races for conflicts I had with them, but now I just hate humans altogether, it doesn't matter if its a white, black, or Asian human I hate them all!!!! I apologize for scaring all of you, I don't know where to turn anymore.

 

[Angkorwat]

The human race is very flawed as we are all jealous creatures. A lot of the mainstream "normal" people only care about themselves, so I know where you are coming from. Although there are those people that are genuinely honest and trustworthy and bring hope for others in this harsh world. Those people have brought me hope and I hope you can find those people as well

 

[DukeOtakuNukem]

Thanks for your reply here, it may take some time. What prompted me to rant today was being frowned at by a girl as I was leaving class to drive home.
I drove recklessly as fast as I could to get away from humans while unleashing my anger at the same time. I don't want to be like this. I don't know what's going on at this point. Nothing I ever do to any human pleases him or her. Its never enough. I can't even trust psychologists now, as they have proven to me to be the same as other humans, just with a master's degree.

 

[Angkorwat]

From what I learned in the past, pleasing everyone is impossible. I pointlessly stressed out trying to make everyone happy with me, and I realized that it is not possible. People have different perspectives and perceptions of other people and no matter what you do, someone is ALWAYS going to have something negative to say. The best thing to do (and this takes a lot of time) is to stop trying to please everyone else and start trying to please yourself. I've been told over and over again to stop caring about what other people think and to care about what I think and what I want. I don't know what that girl did to you, but the best retaliation to give her is to act like what she did does not bother you.

 

[DukeOtakuNukem]

I see. You are right about this, that does make some sense. However, I don't know where to go to meet people that will help me move forward. I'm an anime/video games kind of person who also takes an interest in knowing about Japan, and the language itself, but I've been finding that I've been unable to establish a social connection with people, maybe I am just looking in all the wrong places, as language-exchanges.org proved to be my worst enemy with all the communication barriers that were present when learning Japanese, but I did find the local meetup for that to work okay, but I am unsure of where to go if I want to meet people who are into anime and video games like I am. Thank you very much for offering your advice, and understanding my situation here, I greatly appreciate that.

 

[Angkorwat]

You're welcome I honestly don't know much about learning other languages, but my advice would be talking to other people who also have an interest in learning Japanese but with no prior experience. That way you can establish a connection with those people as they are in the beginning stage of learning the language as well.

 

[jaim38]

I don't like people too. The thoughts "I hate people" and "Everybody hates me" go through my head at least once a day. I prefer the company of animals (not the dangerous ones) because they can be more loyal and friendly than humans. At least animals don't spread nasty rumors about you or go behind your back and betray you.

I tried skyping with random strangers to practice my conversation skills and I was rejected several times. I messaged several people but they ignored and removed me. But I did spoke to a handful of nice people. However things took a turn for the worse when a dude confessed his feelings for me. I swear we only spoke for 2-3 times and he suddenly wrote me messages saying he loves me. It got so creepy that I don't use that account anymore. I thought about blocking him but I would feel bad about it so I didn't.

 

[DukeOtakuNukem]

Skype is pure evil, if anything Skype only causes extreme humiliation and pure emotional damage, I just stopped using it for language exchange, and even removed my Skype link from the language exchange site so I don't have to deal with anymore humans who will abandon me after a conversation, even though they were the ones who requested to be added anyway... For now, I completely isolate myself from humans, but I might join another local meetup, and see how that works before I give up.

 

[MikeyC]

You're going to hate everyone if all you see, remember, and react to, are the worst sides of human existence. Surely there's been some positive highlights.

 

[DukeOtakuNukem]

Yes, you are correct as well. I guess Skype isn't full of demons, but unfortunately, many are. So far, I have met only one person from the Japanese language exchange that is patient with my poor skills and does not go through the effort of blocking and deleting me, just because I am a beginner. One is better than nothing, though. No sarcasm here; I apologize if it did come out that way, just pointing out what you said. Even if its one, its still better than nothing truly. Besides, I am already attending local Japanese language meetings where I live, I don't mind if the Skype situation stays this way.