Girlfriend anxiety

[emre43]

Hi everyone, I haven't been on in ages. I have improved vastly since last coming on but right now I am feeling incredibly anxious about entering into a relationship with a girlfriend. I am 23 and have never had one and am so ****ing desperate. I find it difficult not to worry...

 

[AdamE]

Hang in there! I don't think having a girl-/boyfriend is something that you should strive for just for the sake of it. You say you're doing better, focus on that instead. Unless there is someone in particular you wish you were together with, that's a different problem altogether.

 

[GhastlyCC]

I know the feeling.
Same age and same situation.

 

[kilojoule]

Well Emre it seems like you've grown up since we last spoke. I'm gad to hear it, so what's she like this girl?

 

[emre43]

Haha thanks Jewel. I cringe when I think back at that, so very embarassing...sorry for being such a dick.

She is really nice, a couple of years youger than me we get on really well but I am not sure whether she likes me. I asked her out and she gave me a non-answer. I'm no good at flirting and letting somebody know that I like them, spontaneous talking was never my strong point.

I will have a gander at your blog. Haven't seen it in god knows how long.

 

[emre43]

Hang in there! I don't think having a girl-/boyfriend is something that you should strive for just for the sake of it. You say you're doing better, focus on that instead. Unless there is someone in particular you wish you were together with, that's a different problem altogether.

I know what you mean. It is just being 23 and well...you know...it is tough. I feel that the only perosn that would understand me would be someone with SA or something similar.

 

[laure15]

Getting a girlfriend is not everything. I'm in my 20s too and never dated, but I'm absolutely ok with it. I think people should work on their self esteem, social anxiety, and other problems that they have first before being in a relationship. Because your problems can rub of on your partner and make things worse.

 

[emre43]

Getting a girlfriend is not everything. I'm in my 20s too and never dated, but I'm absolutely ok with it. I think people should work on their self esteem, social anxiety, and other problems that they have first before being in a relationship. Because your problems can rub of on your partner and make things worse.

As I said in my first post. I have been doing exactly that. :thumbup:

 

[kilojoule]

haha don't worry about it, glad that things have vastly improved for you & you sound a lot happier. Did you stick with the new counsellor? or has there been another one since? That was all this time last year. What a difference that year has made! Good for you Emre

 

[emre43]

Thanks Jewel, I tried to PM you but it said that you don't accept them anymore :sad: I'm with the same counsellor, I now have a job, but I'm kind of stuck at the girlfriend stage. I am so nervous that we will get really close and eventually I will tell her about my history and she will drop me. I've never felt anxiety like it.

How have you been anyway? Would really like to know :thumbup:

 

[kilojoule]

I'm confused, is she your girlfriend or is she a girl you'd like to make your girlfriend or is she a girl who's your friend?

And to what history do you refer?

I'm doing great thanks

 

[emre43]

I'm confused, is she your girlfriend or is she a girl you'd like to make your girlfriend or is she a girl who's your friend?

And to what history do you refer?

I'm doing great thanks

She's a girl who is my friend who I would like to make my girlfriend. But I am not great at making the next step.

The history that I am referring to is that I have never had a girlfriend.

Good to hear that you are great.

 

[sullyS25]

Im experiencing the exact same anxiety myself and it is very difficult because I'm currently living in a different country than my girlfriend. She is in Cali and I am in Spain until June. So not only do I have the anxiety that woulld come with a normal relationship, I have to deal with a 9 hour change in time between California and Spain. BUT I am happy for the opportunity to grow because I am ready to confront this paralyzing fear of mine because I can't avoid it my whole life. I view the anxiety as an opportunity to grow.

I have found many things that really really help me if I do them on a regular basis and since the anxiety got so debilitating a few days back, I have the motivation to keep doing them, even when the anxiety isn't that strong because if I practice them when Im not so anxious, chances are I will know what to do when I really get anxious.

The things I do include: Writing a gratitude list (I know you can be grateful for something!), Meditation or breathing exercises, writing in a journal or notebook, reading spiritual books (Yes I said spiritual which is completely separate from religious), communicating how I am feeling with either my girl or anyone that is close enough to me to listen, exercising and going to the spa to help me relax......and I know there are many other possibilities.

I know what doesn't work and what makes things much worse is acting helpless and isolating myself. I tend to like to bathe in my own **** until I suffer enough to do something different and let me tell you it isnt fun!

Anyways I wish you the best of luck and more importantly, I feel your pain! It was so bad for me last Saturday I was trembling. We can do this though ehh!

 

[kilojoule]

ooooooh I see. Do you think that she returns your feelings?

On this forum, there seems to be some sort of shame associated with having never been in a relationship. There's absolutely nothing wrong with never having had a girl/boyfriend, honestly, hand on heart, it is not even relevant. When you do get involved with someone you don't need to worry about how you're going to break it to them that you've never been in a relationship before, there's no shame in it. In any case, it's not necessary to bring it up, people don't generally discuss previous relationships in a new relationship. People don't generally discuss previous relationships full stop (It generally causes arguments and insecurity) so I don't think it would come up. If it did, it would be in the context of things advancing to another level down the line and I really wouldn't worry about it at all, one thing at a time.

Anyway breaking the news that you were always single before them is not the terrible confession people seem to think it is, you don't need to hang your head in shame it isn't a thing unless you make it a thing. And if you make it into a thing then, she'll think its a big thing too, like there's some weird reason why you haven't been in a relationship that you are withholding from her. And there isn't. And it isn't this big thing. It's not even a little thing, it isn't anything, it's nothing. I promise

 

[emre43]

I forgot how good with words you are Jewel But I remember thinking back now that you always seemed to know the right things to say. I think this might sound silly but I keep seeing this advert for that show the Undateables and on the date the woman asks the guy how many girlfriends he has had and he is reluctant to tell. Personally, I couldn't care less how experienced a partner is. I suppose that is the girl that I would be trying to find anyway, someone who doesn't care.

 

[Tuukka40]

The fact that you have never been in a relationship is probably a huge plus.

People in relationships don't enjoy thinking about their current partner having been in relationships (especially ones that involve sex) with other people.

It might seem weird to an outsider looking in but IMO to someone already interested in you that found that out it would be a big plus..

 

[kilojoule]

I forgot how good with words you are Jewel But I remember thinking back now that you always seemed to know the right things to say. I think this might sound silly but I keep seeing this advert for that show the Undateables and on the date the woman asks the guy how many girlfriends he has had and he is reluctant to tell. Personally, I couldn't care less how experienced a partner is. I suppose that is the girl that I would be trying to find anyway, someone who doesn't care.

:: thanks, I'm not very good at taking compliments

Ah don't worry about that, the writers put that in the script so that Joe Bloggs at home watching the ads will say 'oh no I relate to that guy, do girls really ask that? I'll tune in'

The only reason I'd ask a guy how many girls he'd gone out with was for two reasons (and in order to ask him at all I'd have to already be in a relationship with him)

1) If I suspected him to be a bit of a manwhore I'd wonder if he had commitment issues I might ask

or

2) If he kept mentioning previous gfs constantly and it seemed like there'd been a lot before me, I might ask.

Otherwise it just wouldn't come up.


So Emre if you're coming off like a bit of a manwhore it might come up, otherwise, I think your safe. Eitherway, no girl who isn't already your girlfriend is going to ask you that. In the unlikely event that she does, she's a bit of a shallow..........ahem. And she's not your type anyway.

 

[emre43]

:: thanks, I'm not very good at taking compliments

Ah don't worry about that, the writers put that in the script so that Joe Bloggs at home watching the ads will say 'oh no I relate to that guy, do girls really ask that? I'll tune in'

The only reason I'd ask a guy how many girls he'd gone out with was for two reasons (and in order to ask him at all I'd have to already be in a relationship with him)

1) If I suspected him to be a bit of a manwhore I'd wonder if he had commitment issues I might ask

or

2) If he kept mentioning previous gfs constantly and it seemed like there'd been a lot before me, I might ask.

Otherwise it just wouldn't come up.


So Emre if you're coming off like a bit of a manwhore it might come up, otherwise, I think your safe. Eitherway, no girl who isn't already your girlfriend is going to ask you that. In the unlikely event that she does, she's a bit of a shallow..........ahem. And she's not your type anyway.

To be honest I never was great at taking compliments but I just thought why do I scorn them, people are just showing kindness towards me and I am not bothered anymore.

 

[BamanPiderman]

I wouldn't mind dating, but it seems like too much stress for me at this point. That and, well, I can't so much as look a boy in the eye.

I wish you luck, though.

 

[kilojoule]

To be honest I never was great at taking compliments but I just thought why do I scorn them, people are just showing kindness towards me and I am not bothered anymore.

of course you're absolutely right.