Girl agreed to a date but I am crippled with anxiety...

[Obstacle 1]

Hi all,

Well the title says it all.. this Saturday I managed to get a date with a girl through online dating, this is going to be the first time we are going to meet. The only problem is, my anxiety is so intense I don't know if I will make it to Saturday without melting down into another cycle of panic attacks which I have not had for a few months at least.

Before I even considered this, I was in a state of relative calm just focusing on day to day things.. but I wanted a girl, I was motivated. The only problem is as soon as I touch on the subject it is a massive trigger. My last relationship did not end well in the sense that she never understood my anxiety issues and that really sent me in a downward spiral. I went through a long period of instability after it ended without being able to accept myself. So there is a very good chance that the real fear is of not being accepted by this new person as well.

But I don't really know what she is like.. What if she is nice? What if she will understand? I don't want to add this to the list of lost opportunities :kickingmyself:.
How do people deal with it? Do you tell them in some way that it is tough for you initially until you get to know them?

 

[doctor_who]

when I first started dating my boyfriend I couldn't speak to him, I would chat to him non stop on the laptop but face to face my anxiety just crippled my speech and I didn't say a word. He thought I wasn't interested but I was and as time went on I grew in confidence and started chatting to him, but it was at least 4 months or so before I could say anything to him, he was patient I guess, I really liked him i was just so nervous so I told him about my anxiety issues and im glad he stuck around. we still together and im glad, he is the only one that understands me. What im trying to say is don't try to be someone that your not if this girl is put off with your anxiety then you'll find someone who understands you, like I did. You will find someone that is okay with doing the talking, I wouldn't make a point to tell her straight away, maybe just casually tell her that you are really nervous and you have bad anxiety and you aren't trying to be rude. I dunno what my boyfriend first thought of me when we first met, he probably thought I was the rudest girl in the world, he asked me if I thought he was boring and was taking it personal, I didn't find him boring, but now I can chat so much to him, but only to him and my family and close friends not to anyone else, with me it just takes time for me to relax and open up.

 

[Obstacle 1]

Thanks for that doctor_who. I guess my problem is that I find it hard to just accept that I am good enough as I am. That would make it so much easier if I could just wait and see if they can accept the true me rather than trying to change to fit their mould and ending up drained and dissapointed. I am glad it worked out for you in the end

 

[MotherWolff]

Yeah. I feel like I would have the same problem you have, Obstacle. Its much easier to chat to people through text messages. I am going to take Doctor Who's advice as well into account.

 

[Miss Magnolia :)]

Well hey, at least you're trying! That's great. I've hardly ever been on a single date in my life, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I can't do the small talk stuff, etc. and I feel like I'm so out of sync with all the social expectations these days, I wouldn't even know what to do. It doesn't take long for people to figure out that there's something "off" about me, and I don't think most people get that it's SA... it usually comes off as just being plain old boring or unintelligent. With dating, I always feel like I'm on an interview. I've thought about just addressing it right off the bat when I'm talking to someone that I really like, but of course that's terrifying, and would probably scare any sane person away!

It does seem like a lot of people on here are in relationships though, so maybe there's hope. It's certainly gonna take some time (and perhaps some therapy!) for me though. Anyway, best of luck with your date!!

 

[drakir]

well.... personally... ive never had any intimate realationship with a girl ever... not even friendship. never dated somone either.
love is.... i dont know... complicated... it makes me angry and bitter. i dont fall in love very often, aaaaand, yeh..... currently its horrible. i have a girl that im in love with, but she already have somone else (im not going into details)

however i do talk with girls online (and no... nothing romantic.. 99% of all girls ive been talking to have somone else) and i usually tell them about my phobia/anxiety early on... because... well... its my entire life.... its getting somewhat severe (kinda agoraphobic).

but... to my point... tell her about it, link her videos about SAD, try to make her understand... and if she dosent... then, why care about her? she obviously dont care about you if she dont understand your paint (or want to understand)

by the way: i have anxiety when it comes to chatting online aswell... ofc, nowhere near irl, but its still there

 

[Kiwong]

Outside work hours I don't do anything that isn't enjoyable

 

[Obstacle 1]

So.. as much as I hated to do it, I pulled the plug on the whole adventure. I cancelled it tonight (Friday) after an intense few days at work that put me on the very edge of my ability to cope so I thought 'no I can't push myself any more'. Already I could tell I was quite stressed: not sleeping properly, drowning in adrenaline, stomach acid going nuts.

Am I happy about it? Sure I have some relief now in the sense that any immediate anxiety can calm itself and a placid state can return.. But overall I am quite dissapointed and frustrated. To compound this she replied to my text that I sent stating that I am not in a place to date right now with some genuine empathy.. it makes me wonder why I didn't try and communcate my position better in the first place before cutting it all off and wishing her well. But then that comes back to fear, fear and more fear. I could barely get around to texting her as it was.. and then to reveal something so REAL and at the core of my being was too much to handle. So once again I am back at :kickingmyself::kickingmyself: because I haven't really learnt my lesson yet.

Thanks for everyones contribution, whatever stage you are at keep trying.. It took me a while to get to this point. I haven't given up and I still think it is worth it

 

[R3K]

she replied to my text that I sent stating that I am not in a place to date right now with some genuine empathy..

this is just some cliché she has to throw out there for conversation's sake, to make herself feel better about the situation.

I tried the whole dating website thing for a minute, but I kinda got cornered in the same mental state you're in: wanting for dates because of the pictures/chatting, but too terrified to pull the trigger and enter the reality of face-to-face mode.

incidentally, I'd bought new clothes and practiced new hairstyles. through mere contact with ppl at my job (then a cashier,) I met chicks and hung out with them a lil. kinda dated them, but nothing really serious.

I guess what i'm tryin to say is the best opportunities can sometimes pop up when you're not even trying. just focus on being sharp, shaven, smelling good and try to look approachable in every day life. gotta have that coolguy vibe that says: hey chicks come talk to me.

don't trip on thoughts like 'i'm never gonna get a girl'... and don't feel like dating sites are the only option. I've heard my sis's chick friends talking about how they only do those things cause they're super desperate, and they're so picky... they use dating sites cause they want this absolute perfect dude with absolutely no flaws, cause they've tried so many men irl they're tired of the average dude :idontknow:.

 

[Obstacle 1]

While I am not as cynical as you regarding online dating I do think you make some good points. I have become pretty good at filtering profiles and I have met some genuine girls from there in the past so it is not all doom and gloom.. BUT, it is merely to supplement the fact I am not meeting women in real life situations or I just can't yet handle taking advantage of it.. So yes you are right, working on that would be worthwhile.

The last girl I went on a date with I actually met in person. I was at a venue with some guys I knew. They started talking to her and a friend but they were all in relationships so they "set it up" in a way. It didn't last beyond date 1 but it was a great feeling to have the guts in the moment to ask for her number in person. That was pretty intense...