Gaze / eye contact infliction

[cobalt_bluester]

hello. this is quite a difficult thing for me to talk about but I desperately needed to get it out in the open, and also to see if anyone has an identical problem and what their coping strategies might be.

You see, I have this eye contact problem that is totally taking over my life and probably has done for the last 10 years or so. it seems to have got progressively worse, and it started at random when I was about the age of 12 or 13. basically, one day I became acutely aware of what my eyes were doing and where they were looking. at first, it wasn't really that much of a problem but as time wore on it gradually became more and more of an issue to me as I just could not get this awareness of what my eyes were doing and where they were looking out of my mind. (It's really reduced the quality of my life hugely.)

Then, when looking into people eyes it became a problem as I didn't know which eye to look at and then I couldn't really get a normal view of the persons face as my eyes tended to freeze - kind of like tunnel vision in a way I think. Anyway, as time went by I became aware of this even more, and then started to really stress about this and become very self conscious and insecure. I even struggle to look at myself in a mirror nowadays (or any kind of relection) without feeling overwhelmed with stress / anxiety. Every time I leave the house I feel that people are watching me, and when I do look at people I think I come across as very intense, nervous or a bit of a nutter maybe so I try and avoid people's gazes now altogether but of course this has left me feeling lonely so it's a vicious circle it really is.

I have tried some exposure therapy i.e. looking into my eyes in the mirror for as long as I can stand but this doesn't seem to work - perhaps all it does is reinforce the fact that I have this problem in the first place and only makes it worse, I'm not sure? My eyes won't locomote from side to side like they should when looking into the eyes, and I don't see any way of getting this natural gaze back anymore as daft as it sounds!!

It's now become so bad that I've got signed of work for 2 weeks with major depression, anxiety and social phobia. I AM trying to put my best foot forward in spite of these really difficult circumstances. I have started jogging in the mornings and have started to read a book on NLP. I am not sure if these will be of any use to me at all with the particular problem I have. This goes way, way beyond normal eye contact or shyness problems. I think it's a type of obsession that has become fixed in my psyche - so much so that it has become permanently programmed - a total disaster if you ask me!!!! I've been thinking of suicide a lot recently as it's really impacting badly on the quality of my life. It's strange, because I have done everything I can to try and beat this but it just will not leave me be whatever I try and do. I also never asked for this problem either and that's what makes it even worse as why should I have this and most other people don't seem to?

Please, if there is anybody there who can offer me some sound advice / mentoring then get in touch as I am desperately in need of some help to try and get through this once and for all. I am taking some meds, reading books but a good friend and some sound advice from somebody who knows what this is about would be extremely valuable to me. Thanks for reading my post.

Regards
Richard

 

[lime]

Hello, don't worry you're not alone..

My biggest problem with anxiety is eye contact. If that were solved, sure I wouldn't be the most confident person - but I'd manage 10x easier.

So far what I've realised is that its part of the vicious cycle of SA. The only reason I feel anxious about eye contact is because I have eye contact problems around others - but the only reason I have eye contact problems around others is because I'm worried about it!

I don't believe there is anyway to directly cure this problem, it must be solved indirectly by other cognitive methods.

By using CBT and other such methods - by changing your beliefs and the way you see yourself, by learning to worry less about everything in life (and eye contact), the problem will eventually grow smaller.

As far as I'm aware there is no single trick you can do to reduce the problem but you must work on reducing all anxieties and problems from as many different angles as possible.

That's why I love summer time, then I get to wear shades 8)

 

[cobalt_bluester]

hi there thanks for your reply. i think you're right, i need to come at this from as many angles as possible if I am to stand any chance at all of getting better and having a more normal life.

 

[seekeroftruth]

...

Yah, after about a second of eye contact my facial features become rigid and I feel like there is some sort of invisible thread attached behind the eyes of myself and the person I am sharing eye contact with.

Strange indeed...and #cking ridiculous.

 

[nico82]

I just had a strong bout of that a little bit ago. I walked by this dude I like and I couldn't staring into his eyes and I repeated the "hey" headshake like 2 times for no apparent reason. I felt (well still feel) like such a retard after that

Wish I could go home..

 

[cobalt_bluester]

Freak people out?

It's awful this eye contact problem isn't it? I don't want to freak people out as I'm too intense a lot of the time but I can't help that. I also would like more friends and to get those you have to make more eye contact, so I feel that I'm in a no win situation here and it really gets me mad!!!! What is the point to all this crap and mental illness it's pathetic.

 

[cobalt_bluester]

tried the mirror thing

i have tried to break this eye contact issue but it's very deep routed indeed and goes back to when I was about 12 or 13. I keep forcing myself to stare at myself in mirrors but it doesn't seem to work so I have no idea how to beat this stressful thing it's become so unatural for me to attempt eye contact and I think I look a bit jumpy and tense when I look round at people - stupid I know but I didn't choose to be this way.

 

[Alchemy]

Cobalt, I have exactly the same eye contact distortion as you describe and for almost 8 years now it has made an absolute mess of my life. I'm the wrong side of thirty now and really need to get moving with this. Would really like to chat if you feel up to it. Tried sending you a PM but it says your inbox is full.

 

[Lea]

I have huge eye contact problem, but it´s rather psychological, no tunnel vision or so. Now I know I have asperger syndrome. Have you been to a doctor? Maybe you have it too? But go to a specialist who specialises in autism. I went before to GP´s and they even refused to send me to a specialist, because they said I appear so normal (speak normal, react normal), that I can´t have it. When I told this then to the specialist, she was laughing and said it is like in some old film, that they just can´t understand it.

 

[dottie]

i am experiencing this, too. word for word how you described it.

it's engrained in me. when i look in peoples' eyes i feel a sense of immediate panic, an urgency to flee. i have almost radar with my vision that can detect if anyone is looking my way. if i notice out of the corner of my eye that someone's looking, my eyes involuntarily jump and i turn them away. this is why i have the tunnel vision thing going on. it is my only way of turning that visual hypersensitivity "off". but it isn't really off. it is just physically blurred out. and i come across as so awkward and wierd.

it is really detrimental. this is basically why i got "let go" from my last job despite the fact i was such a hard worker.

i had an interview once where the lady shut the door, told me my eye contact was horrible, that there was no way i would ever get hired the way i was, and told me to take yoga classes. right. that would cure me.

i so deeply do not want to be at work, around coworkers, at an interview (any conformist situations are where i am at my worst). this loathing and fear i have for being in these situations is so mortally intense that it cannot be covered. trying to cover it is where most of the anxiety comes from. but you have to cover it. you have to pretend to be a team player. it's like a no-win situation.

i am a negative person. i prefer "realist". here is the reality: i am NOT happy to be at work, being underpaid for my valuable time, kissing ass to smug ****s who make 10 times more than me for doing 20 times less work, wearing uncomfortable clothes to impress WHO exactly?, changing my tone to pretend i am happy that i am there at 8 am and not in my warm, cozy bed. all of it. i ****ing hate it. it is slavery and the last place i want to be! half of my anxiety is trying to unconvincingly cover that up.

eye contact is my biggest problem, though. it is half fear of people and half anxiety trying to cover my extreme, uncontainable resentment for being there. it's like how liar's can't look people in the eye. you feel like a liar for being forced to act so fake and happy to eat shit when it is the last place in hell you want to be.

sorry. i am really PISSED RIGHT NOW and need to vent. i have so much FEAR AND ANGER AND FRUSTRATION pent up in me it is unreal. i need an outlet. and i need therapy.

i hope this is coherent. i hope i didn't repeat myself too much. i should get to sleep.

 

[Alchemy]

I have huge eye contact problem, but it´s rather psychological, no tunnel vision or so. Now I know I have asperger syndrome. Have you been to a doctor? Maybe you have it too? But go to a specialist who specialises in autism. I went before to GP´s and they even refused to send me to a specialist, because they said I appear so normal (speak normal, react normal), that I can´t have it. When I told this then to the specialist, she was laughing and said it is like in some old film, that they just can´t understand it.

Hi Lea, yes I've been to many professionals over the years with this problem and several were just puzzled by it and dished out meds., I'm pretty sure its not A.S and more likely to be rogue thoughts that have now become a neurosis and fuelled by my social anxiety! I'm in a situation now where it's got a stranglehold and like dottie said, I feel its almost engrained in me!

Everything is so laboured and a struggle that I really need to unravel this if I'm ever gonna make something of my life! Just hoping to find likewise people that at least understand what I'm talking about and can offer each other support and possibly thrash out a solution! Its so difficult to watch your contempories live the kind of life that you dream of , and year after year it gets more out of reach! Its really soul destroying. Dottie, know how you feel I
get like this alot lately!!

Thanks for your response folks.