For both men and women how important are looks of others?

[charlieHungerford]

I am sorry if this is in the wrong section or has been done before.

The reason I write this is because I want to change my beliefs that others are all so judgemental on looks and only show interest in people of the opposite sex depending on how someone looks.

I would like to think I am average looking, I am happy with so much of my appearance and when I look in the mirror in a morning I feel satisfied with how I look, I am in good shape, I have quite cool hair, I dress smart, I have a lot in my appearance I like, but like probably a lot of people there are some parts I am not as happy about. But in the past I have been received a lot of put downs, insults, ridicule for how I looked. Admittedly a lot of it was for being skinny as a child - which is not the case now, but there was other insults and names people called me which were damaging on my self esteem, and I just feel that people notice flaws in me when they look at me and are always judging me as not good enough. And I have never really let go of these experiences where I was always put down and ridiculed and made to feel I was ugly.

And at the same time I have seen so many women treat good looking guys as if they are some sort of celebrity, I see women showing no interest in guys if they don't look good enough but will act all giggly and flirty with a guy who does look good. I sometimes hear women at work talking about a guy who comes into the office and they will be going wow he is gorgeous and like he is worthy of their attention, yet when a not so good looking guy comes in they are not given any time or attention at all.
I must stress that I know there are guys like that too. I know there are women and men who look purely at looks.

My own opinions on how important looks are of women is that I could be attracted to 90% of women if they have the personality I really like, and we all like different personalities I guess so I won't go into that. When I say 90%, the 10% that I couldn't be attracted to in terms of looks are women who are slobs. I am sorry if that sounds bad, but its just a turn off for me.

But you see when I think women are so picky when it comes to looks and they only notice those guys who look really handsome and that I know from past experience I have received a lot of put downs, my confidence around women is very low. I don't believe I am good enough because of the past, I don't believe women are interested in guys that don't look really pleasing to the eye. And the reason I say that is not just my own experience but I have friends who are single and they are what you would probably describe as average looking and also feel they are often overlooked.

The question is - how important is looks of people of the opposite sex not only to you, but to your gender in your opinion? I personally feel men are a lot less shallow than women. I feel men are not really that picky in terms of looks, whereas I feel women are. I know that is really bad to say, but that is what I currently believe, which is causing me my confidence problems around women, which I want to sort out. (So I am sorry if I have offended any women - that shows how wrong my beliefs are to stereotype all women as the same - if those beliefs are wrong).

Would love to hear your thoughts! Have a good day!

 

[Emma]

I don't think it really matters how someone looks....even good looking people are going to be ugly when they're ninety and wrinkled

 

[tommydog]

Ok.

Well, i will only answer part of your question, because i cant speak for all men.

Personally, yes, looks count for me when i am looking for a partner.

hehe. Ok. Heres the part that makes my answer useless to you :lol:

My "attraction whistles" can go off at any time. Some girls, i just LIKE. Many times the woman will be an example of beaty the majority of men will agree with, but many times, it will be just something about them im attracted to, that other dont get. But ofcourse, the only opinion that matters is my own.

I have to go my friend is here, i will add to it when i come back :wink:

 

[Richey]

Re: For both men and women how important are looks of others

With my limited experiance at dating, im normally attracted to the smile and if we have chemistry, she doesnt have to be this mind blowing supermodel ...doesnt have to fit what people consider the stereotype of a gorgeous girl ...gorgeous can be a slowly revealed character, or if you click with someone, physical attraction plays a minor role but its still important if your going to be a couple.

Regarding females gossiping over the token alpha males who are also super fit at work or at school
This is all too common in most environments, i see it in my sister and while its her right to choose whoever she wants and whatever quality that appeals to her its a very narrow way of conveying attraction.

She likes the tall well built guys, and she has a thing for DJ's considerring her last three boyfriends were DJ's, she seems to also only hang out with young males who are loud and her standards are very high, thats her choice ...

Ive also heard many discussions on the train where im seated and behind me a group of girls are gossiping about the cute guys at work .."He is so large, so he must be big down stairs" ...is one example of what i heard, they give themselves a model of the ideal partner and eagerly suss it out.

thats not to say its easy for people with supermodel looks either, if your a shy type and dont enjoy attention then avoiding females in the high school crush mode would be near impossible.

i would describe myself as being quite good looking in the past but for a number of years my metabolism sped up and i find it a challenge to keep a fit (male esque) looking body, and ill admit, its painful ....i dont walk around feeling in any way sexy because i know its not what the majority of girls would look for, and im not satisfied with it, im not ugly but its just i feel too skinny, and not built like your alpha male type.

i look like a kid in an indie band from england, but i realise that the right attitude always wins, thats whats important


At the same time for anyone who has worked a job you'll notice that its mostly a diverse group of people with different tastes .....i dont think we can pigeon hole females and males in general as to what attracts them regarding looks ....

I think its the cliche high school crush scenario that is normally targeted on the blindingly obvious superfit/model type people that enter our worlds, that plus a group of cliched single girls who enjoy gossiping and you have me wanting to jump down a fire escape or a press of the eject button

 

[tommydog]

okie dokes

no changed my mind :lol:

im sure no one wants to hear about my turn ons in detail haha but um, in summary ..

Yes, looks matter to me, but, beaty is in the eye of the beholder, and this beholder's interpretation of beauty can be very different from most peoples.

Most people, even those that know me really well, dont know what im thinking and who i will pick out and say "wtf i want that girl" :lol:

 

[Danicha]

I believe that most people are shallow.. especially guys (in my opinion).
One time i was eating in a food court and this group of guys were sitting right by me, and all they were doing was sitting there judging every girl that walked by and saying the Meanest stuff... guys are really harsh i think ... also I personally can fall for an average lookin guy if he has a good personality and can make me laugh..but most of the guys i know, I cant see dating, say some fat chic.. even if she were an awsome person. Also i remember this guy we used to call shrek had this super hot girlfriend becuz we was a cool guy.. but ya know there are shallow girls and guys... jus gotta not care what they think

 

[Screwdriver1020]

fdsafweafsdfasdfasd

 

[charlieHungerford]

Some really interesting comments. I want to reply to all of them, but am at work right now so its a bit hard, so will have to try after work.

I am just totally fed up of being overlooked and judged as not good enough just because I am not deemed handsome enough. Yet I see others who are far less nicer people but get so much attention from women just because of looks. I mean looks is what you are born with and can do nothing about other than making the most of yourself, but even if you do that (which I do) and still are overlooked, I just find it the biggest kick in the teeth possible.
It really does hurt me. It makes me feel like crap, it makes me think there is something seriously wrong with me. It makes me feel so inferior to women and inferior to men who are deemed good enough for looking good enough. SA is defined as a fear of being judged negatively, and when it comes to women, I believe all women are judging me negatively for looks and confidence.

I think one really damaging part of all this for myself is that I judge almost everyone as good enough and I could be interested in them for sure if they had the right personality and therefore I feel inferior, inadequate, not good enough, self conscious, no belief in myself, irrelevant etc to almost every woman. To feel like that is just a recipe to have zero confidence/SA around women.

Screwdriver - I totally agree with all that you say. I too find women ugly if they have bad personality no matter how they look. By bad I mead just arrogant, rude, shallow, etc. I see loads of women who are definitely very pretty but that doesn't mean I fancy them, its how they are as a person that determines that.
I too also find that women I find most attractive are those I click with and their looks become extremely attractive as well once I get to like them - because its them who is so nice a person. But if the person you get to know more and more becomes someone you dislike for personality, then you can end up finding them very ugly.

I too have found women to be far shallower, but people can only go on what they have seen and experienced so I can understand if women say the same about men. A few weeks ago at work, I am really friendly with the people I sit with - two girls and 3 lads - all of us in our 20s and we were talking about what we find attractive in the opposite sex. The first girl said 'Tall, dark and handsome'. The next girl who sat opposite me who I really did like chatting to was more fairer - she said it depends on how they are like as a person, personality is important but they need to look attractive physically. I said that someone who I really like as a person and is nice natured, fun, clever, great to chat to, and looks don't really matter much. Another lad said that looks were not a big deal, he liked a woman with class though, an independent woman who is a challenge. And the last man said that it was mainly all personality for him too, he is not picky about looks, but a woman has to have a really nice personality. That was both women saying they had to look a certain way. Whereas all 3 of us men said that personality was key.

I will respond to the other posts when I get home, because they are all really interesting, I can really relate to you Richie. Danicha you seem to have a similar mindset to me, you clearly have little faith in men and you seem to have a negative opinion on yourself in terms of could men be interested in you. I would like to know what is your confidence levels like around men? I think you and I probably could help each other a lot in helping each other change our beliefs about what men and women think in each of our opinions, which is really what we need to both understand in order to change beliefs.

I just don't know how I can ever have confidence around women whilst I have the beliefs and mindset I do. I wish I was in some ways really judgemental and critical of the looks of women, that way maybe I wouldn't feel so inadequate to women, because I know that people are not perfect, I know I am not perfect, but unfortunately I don't treat myself in the same way I treat other.

I do want to have confidence around women so that I can be myself and let my personality shine which is my best quality. But when I am scared stiff of women because I think they are all the same - looks orientated and shallow, then I will always show women the anxious self conscious me who has no confidence that I am good enough or that they could ever judge me in a non negative way.

I would just love to know the truth about how important looks of men are for women. What do women think of guys who don't look good enough to ever get noticed? Must end there for now.

 

[Danicha]

um. That " fat chic" was an example, i was not referring to myself lol :lol:
and in terms of men being interesred in me.. i do alright.. im not a super model or anything but im not completely hopless.. all i was saying was that I noticed that guys can be pretty shallow... I dont know, most people are jus shallow in general i guess

 

[charlieHungerford]

um. That " fat chic" was an example, i was not referring to myself lol :lol:
and in terms of men being interesred in me.. i do alright.. im not a super model or anything but im not completely hopless.. all i was saying was that I noticed that guys can be pretty shallow... I dont know, most people are jus shallow in general i guess

Taxi for Charlie.

Sorry. Am glad I got it wrong.

My question is then, how do you feel good about yourself and that you are good enough for people of the opposite sex to like you, when you feel everyone is shallow and are critical of oneself?

There must be a way. Something has to change. I would love to ask someone who is clearly not great looking but not ugly either and ask them their beliefs about all of this. I do need to re-educate my mind and look at this in a very different way. I see people both men and women who are far from great looking but they have loads of confidence. Maybe they have not received a lot of negative comments, maybe they have still managed to have no problem people being interested in them. But I want to know how they think. It doesn't matter if I brainwash myself into believing something that is inaccurate - but as long as its positive. i.e. If I believed I was good enough and that women can definitely think I am good enough and that I have a really positive image of myself - well at least I will be confident and be able to be myself.

I probably sound like I am some total ugly man, but I can imagine that if you saw me you would think I am not that bad at all. But I am hindered by such negative beliefs from past experiences.

 

[Moonie]

I really never thought that the looks of others played a huge part for me. It seemed like everyone that I had a "crush" on growing up was someone whose personality really led to "crush" on them. The big thing for me, really, is someone who is patient and willing to try and get to know me. I am not an easy person to be with because it takes me a pretty long time for me to warm up to people. So for me, I find it attractive if someone is willing to be patient with me and not be quick to dismiss me because I am not immediately talkative and extroverted like others.

I tend to like people that are not traditionally good looking. I like people that are a little different, offbeat. I know that might seem like I do base people on looks (different/unique as oppose to a 'pretty' boy). But I don't see it that way at all. I have found so many different looks attractive. I think I am pretty openminded when it comes to outer appearance.

 

[DYiNG-iNSiDE]

i dont wanna sound shallow but 4 me they kinda do i mean i cant help it lol but at the same time i like this 1 guy right now and he is not cute 2 say the least lol but idk y i like him no1 can choose who their drawn 2 like i have a huge crush on my friends 40 yr old redneck uncle - dont ask me y lol

 

[Kinetik]

When I was younger, I would often be jealous of men who were close with women and seemed to be "in there" - then I noticed something. Most of these guys were either gay, or very rotund and/or unattractive. I remember suddenly thinking "wait a minute... is it possible that women see me as a threat? That they shut me out because they think I've got it together?" Since then, I'm honestly not bothered about the all-too-familiar snub. It's a test, and it's up to you to use your assets and creativity to show a woman what you've got. If women are content to befriend guys who aren't threats, then the way I see it, it's almost a compliment to be put in the danger-zone. This is why I think it has almost nothing to do with looks. Unless you're part of the 1% of guys who can mesmerize women on sight, you're going to have to use other things to make them feel attraction. It's like a weeding-out process. Try and relish it, revel in your positive traits and practice showing them off. Once you can get around to this way of thinking, you'll enjoy yourself a lot more.

 

[yay]

I believe that most men are more shallow than women because women tend to flirty with everyone to feel better about themselves. Most of the guys I know around here are really shallow, and wouldn't even bother to give a second glance at a girl who's considerable not hot/ or w/e.

Or maybe it's just the "hot ppl" who are shallow

 

[Thelema]

I don't have the patience right now to read what everyone has said but looks do matter but it all comes down to health. If you look healthy then you are healthy and we all want healthy and once the person gets past about 5 minutes or so your personality is what matters not how you look. I see pretty girls all the time but I hardly ever give them a second look because I know I just wouldn't get along with them.

 

[Higolo]

I would definitely pay more attention to the good looking girls. I won't go out of my way to NOT look at unattractive girls or anything, but i guess it's still shallow, isn't it?

 

[Starry]

Personality matters most to me. Obvisouly I find people attractive, but once I know someone's personality they go up or down in attractiveness. For example, when I was at school, there was a very cute guy in my class. But the more I saw of his personality the less attractive he became in my eyes. There was also a guy that wouldn't be classed as 'attractive.' He was very geeky looking, had a crooked nose and bad teeth etc. But I really liked his personality and found him funny, so he became more attractive to me. I noticed things about him that I thought of as 'cute.' Of course, I never spoke to him though. :roll: (I never spoke to anyone :lol: :roll: )

Beauty is only skin deep. If everyone was blind we'd only have personality to go on. It's personality that counts. Nobody ever formed a strong, lasting relationship based on good looks alone. (Not that I've ever had any kind of relatinship... I'm really not the right person to be giving advice am I? lol :roll: )

 

[COALPORTER]

As I get older, looks become less important. Atleast the range of looks
I consider nice has broadened allot. Looks don't matter to me as much as a person that at least trys to keep themselfs up...like good hygene, nice fitting cleann cloths...someone that cares about thierselfs and is at least trying to put their best foot forward.
To me, the way someone thinks and how nice they are is much more important than just looks and beauty. I like a person that is thoughful
and polite.

 

[lacnail]

I have a theory--on this particular forum, women think men are more shallow and men think women are more shallow. This is probably has something to do with SA and being more sensitve to the opposite sex's judgements. Just a theory.

 

[Lonelyheart]

MY HONEST THOUGHTS ON THIS SUBJECT

I must admit, looks are somewhat important to me. I’m especially attracted to ladies with beautiful, cute faces. However, looks mean nothing without a good heart. A woman could be the most beautiful looking person in the world, but I would not go out with her unless she had a beautiful heart too. On the other hand, I would date an average looking lady with beautiful heart.

I think ladies with beautiful hearts are obviously more pleasant to be around, but I also think ladies with beautiful hearts physically look better. Strangely a lady can become more or less physically attractive depending on her personality.

I think men like me who are looking for a wife (not a fu@kbuddy) definitely care a great deal about personality. However, everyone to some extent equates beautiful looks with a beautiful personality. Since birth we have been groomed to believe this. I think one of the reasons I’m attracted to ladies with beautiful, cute faces is because I assume their personality will be the same (I know I should not think like this). Words I associate with beauty are…. health, discipline, hygiene, cleanliness, happiness, etc. Words I associate with cuteness are….sweet, adorable, innocent, shyness, purity etc. Whether or not these word associations are correct or justified is uncertain and variable; however, there presents in all of us is undeniable.

Many people make judgments about people deemed physically ugly by society’s standards; however, the same can be said about people deemed physically beautiful. I’ve heard just as many negative stereotypes associated with people who are physically beautiful as there are people who are physically unattractive. For example, people often falsely assume I’m a player because I’m tall, dark, and athletic. Some men may take this as a complement but for me, being assumed a player is no better than being assumed a male ho, whore, slut, etc. In my opinion promiscuity is something to be ashamed of not proud of.