Finding a soulmate

[Argamemnon]

I think every person has unique problems which prevents them from establishing romantic relationships. I'm referring to those of us who have been single all their lives.

I wouldn't say I'm ugly, but unfortunately I suffer from anxiety, especially performance anxiety. I often look very serious or gloomy. I might even give people "dirty looks" unintentionally, since I hardly ever feel comfortable around people. I'm also very prone to depression, there really is nothing I can do about this, people are different. Life has dealt me a bad hand.

How am I supposed to "change" or improve myself so as to attract girls? I'm definitely not going to blame those of you who will say that we should strive to improve ourselves. But this is how I have always been (looking anxious, very serious or gloomy etc.). I'm 32 now and nothing has changed.

Blaming myself and beating myself up won't solve the problem, since the things I mentioned are beyond my control, at least partly.. actually, in my opinion to a large extent, which means that it's likely that I won't be able to ever find a soulmate in my life. It's very sad, but as I said above; life has dealt me a bad hand. You have to deal with whatever life throws at you, which is easier said than done.

 

[Lea]

Seems like you have asperger syndrome. I was by a specialist today and I have it. I am ****ed for life. And that´s what exactly they told me - you cannot change it.

 

[rado31]

Asperger Syndrome: What Is It?

THis is it and i m 102 % sure i have it too. I have all traits and signs mentioned here + more . I have also HH .

Lea, what are the available treatments (since you have been diagnosed by specialist? )


The Aragamemnon's question still remains.. How to find soulmate?

 

[Angel_Of_Death]

Argamemnon,

I've also been single all my life and desperately looking for the "one".

I'm 24, and would hate to still be single at age 32.

Could you please elaborate on your personal experience, in your 20's what exactly did you try doing to find a soulmate, and why did you fail ?

 

[Argamemnon]

According to my psychiatrist I don't have Asperger's, but when I read the symptoms it seems to describe me. I don't know.

 

[Argamemnon]

Argamemnon,

I've also been single all my life and desperately looking for the "one".

I'm 24, and would hate to still be single at age 32.

Could you please elaborate on your personal experience, in your 20's what exactly did you try doing to find a soulmate, and why did you fail ?

Well, in my 20's I did nothing to find a soulmate, since I wasn't really interested. Also, since 2001 (when I was 24-25) I have been suffering from depression and social anxiety. When I turned 29, I realized that I was wasting my life and became severely depressed..

 

[recluse]

Same here 27 years old and never had any kind of girlfriend. When i feel anxious i appear serious and i think that puts people off. Most of the time i am cheerful and always smiling though. I think that a lot of my cheerfulness is not my true self 50% of the time...I fake it. Society dictates that it's socialy unacceptable to actualy be ourselves and show our true feelings, so i think it's easier for me to be fake like the rest.

 

[Ubersonic]

I can't even imagine what type of girl would be into me :/

 

[Argamemnon]

I also fake cheerfulness by smiling, but people seem to notice that it's not genuine. And it requires tons of energy, I can't do this all day long. The "real me" inevitably reveals itself.

 

[seekeroftruth]

Ask a random woman?

I'm in a similar situation, 26, never had a girlfriend...one date in my entire life, which would better be called a platonic dinner.

I have been corresponding off and on with a woman in Australia(I am in Canada) for about 10 years now, the chunks of time the last 6-7 years or so we now communicate are less and less frequent. In the first couple years it seemed like something that could have been real but certain things including my own attitude ruined that. She loves my mind and co-admits when we correspond a sort of addiction occurs(which is a very horrible feeling for me especially with tendencies for obsession) but balks at the idea of ever meeting me at this point as she has a whole love life of her own.

I am not a chauvinist or anything but I cannot see myself becoming physically intimate with someone I did not find attractive, I would see a girlfriend the same way I would see a painting I choose to put up on a wall...I would not choose a painting I found unattractive as i would have to look at it every day...it makes no sense.

Another challenge would be the dating scene itself, diving into that realm would be like culture shock in a foreign country, it just all seems so absurd.

I have winked at many a lady on online dating sites which have a very depleted pool of local woman, mostly woman curious to "try the online dating thing" "sick of the bar scene" girls who want someone athletic and adventurous, has a place of his own, a developed career and wants to help raise her kids.

All I want are a couple of dates!!!

It's funny, I just started thinking today of something which prompted me to visit this site again...I was wondering what success any of you guys may have had in asking "random" woman out in random situations.

We as a community of men find ourselves in social situations very infrequently and I was pondering this as a viable and possibly the only alternative for people like us.

 

[Lea]

Lea, what are the available treatments (since you have been diagnosed by specialist? )

They are going to prescribe me Risperdal + antidepresiva, then there is some therapy and counseling, also help with finding work etc. (which will be difficult in my case since I want to work abroad).
I looked up the Risperdal or Risperdel in Google and it seems quite a big shit, I don´t even know if I should take it, don´t want to damage my brain even more.

 

[bleach]

Seems like you have asperger syndrome. I was by a specialist today and I have it. I am ****ed for life. And that´s what exactly they told me - you cannot change it.

So you had Asperger's after all? Well at least now you have some idea what is wrong with you, so you can take the right steps to treat it.

As far as I'm concerned, the concept of soul mates is a myth created by naturally social people to justify what seems, in their minds, to be a magical bond that 'just happens' between certain people...

but which is actually a process of trial and error that requires lots of effort and luck, to achieve, if it happens at all.

 

[Argamemnon]

if you see them every day for the rest of your life you get used to their face so what difference does it make. Maybe at first, but it'll wear off.

Very true, the only girl I have ever liked and could have had a serious relationship with was extremely beautiful. Frankly, she was incredibly hot! :: Anyway, her ex-husband, a worthless jerk, left her for a ten year older woman. She is so beautiful and such a kind person!!! I was baffled that this happened to her. I really think that sexual attraction is majorly overrated, it's a temporary thing. It means nothing in terms of establishing succesful long term relationships. Having said this, I wish I had at least one relationship with lots of hot sex in my twenties, even if it lasted only six months or so

 

[seekeroftruth]

...

if you see them every day for the rest of your life you get used to their face so what difference does it make. Maybe at first, but it'll wear off.

That sounds like what someone would say to lie to themselves.

I think looks are more then just sexual attraction, I compared a fine woman to a painting, I don't intend on having sex with any paintings. We live in physical reality so whether or not we like it, looks do matter.

Frankly I don't think that was the most relevant portion of my original post.

 

[Argamemnon]

I would prefer a girl who is similar to me in personality. I don't really care about looks anymore, maybe a little, but compared to other men I don't have high standards. Personality is everything!! I so wish I had a relationship with a kind and introverted girl.

 

[seekeroftruth]

...

I didn't mean to hijack the thread as the whole painting analogy was just something I added in, I thought the idea about asking random people or any of my other points had more more momentum for what the thread started as.

Since we are on the topic now:

When I compared a woman and a painting I was talking about personal taste, to go even further admiring the history and story of a particular painting which could be an analogy for a woman's personality.

I find something about the look of certain woman that others don't find attractive, there are also some woman other guys drool over but I find kind of so-so looking...it's all personal taste.

One thing I have been pondering though is our lack of dating experience as a group of men, it may actually end up being an advantage as we would probably be more likely to go with our gut and instinct instead of trying to correspond with all of these dating rules and etiquette...I'd think some woman would find that attractive in and of itself.

Who have you asked out lately?

 

[seekeroftruth]

...

That's probably true, that brings up the issue of where and how to ask woman out.

I don't know about anyone else but any given individual will not find the true me if they see me in a group, they may see someone goofy, someone awkward, or someone completely silent.

 

[Argamemnon]

yeah, personality. okay. who really means that.

I mean it. I don't care about a woman's beauty at all, if she doesn't have a nice personality.

 

[Felicidad]

I would prefer a girl who is similar to me in personality. I don't really care about looks anymore, maybe a little, but compared to other men I don't have high standards. Personality is everything!! I so wish I had a relationship with a kind and introverted girl.

Yes, Did you mean, a woman you can control?

 

[Havocan]

When looking gloomy, serious or "not happy", it means that people are perceiving you as a bit off-putting, hence the lack of girls in your life. Putting on a shallow smile just worsens your presence since it's normally very readable that this person is shy and just does it to gain more attraction.
The only thing to do is actually to socialise more, believe more in yourself and then put on a real smile that actually attracts people and girls. How do to that is another question which I'm struggling with myself^^.