Feeling so lonely; any advice?

[Saga]

Hey, I'm new to the forums here, and I've never really spoken to anyone about my feelings to do with this issue, so here goes...

Well, I'm a seventeen year old girl. I've had a normal life, for the most part - good education, family, etc. I guess that doesn't help matters, as I have the added confusion as to why I should even feel like this, yet I can not help the feelings that are growing and growing inside of me. Actually, my parents did separated around six months ago now, which I guess has torn me apart, just a bit. I have no siblings so I guess I always thought my little family was close. I guess I was wrong. I'm not sure if this has contributed to my feelings of loneliness, but in a way I am starting to feel like it might have. It hurts to be around home and now I feel as if I don't even have the support of both my parents (- only my mom).

All my life, I've always felt kind of on the outer and extremely quiet - but I have always had friends. I hesitate in calling myself 'different', because I think it's really just my shyness and inability to converse with anyone without feeling SO awkward that made me feel that way. Up until the last six or so months, I have always been happy being by myself on weekends and so on, but now I've really grown to hate it. And it's started to make me feel lonely. Like, really lonely. I don't think I'm depressed, though. It's hard to tell.

Currently, I have a group of five friends at school, so I'm not exactly what one might call a 'loner', but other than that I don't really interact with anyone else in my year level. This is by choice, really, as I don't like the type of people they are and I don't have anything in common with them whatsoever. One of my problems is that I don't feel so close to my friends anymore. I would say this feeling has been growing since the end of 2011. I feel as if I have kind of grown apart from them. I still really like them as people, but we just don't have anything in common anymore. They have moved on to other interests which are all they talk about, meaning I am usually just left on the outer, sitting and listening, but not even being able to participate. I want to be their friends and talk and laugh and ask them for advice... but it just seems hard to when I can't seem to relate to anything they're saying.

Another major factor is that I'm really, really shy and quiet. I never seem to open up to people either, which to be honest, scares me so much. It's like, I never change... I never become 'myself' around people and I never seem to open up, or find conversing with them any easier than when I first meet them. I've known my current friends for five years now and I am still really quiet around them. I feel like I can never show my 'true' self to anyone. I guess I'm scared of being judged or thought of as weird. But it's killing me inside not to be able to do this.

I also care so much about what other people think of me. I know it's too much, but I don't know how to stop. I think that might be one of the reasons I can't talk to people much either. I'm always wanting to impress them and come across as engaging, but the harder I try to do that, the more I seem to be retreating. I don't even know why I'm trying so much. They're just other people, like me, but somehow it seems to matter what they think of me and what their opinions are.

Also; I have this sort of, uh, split thinking going on in my head too. I'll try to explain: it's like, when say somebody in class talks to me, or asks me how I'm going, or starts any type of conversation, I hate it and want them to just let me be. It sends all sorts of anxiety and panic through my brain, because I want to seem interesting, I want them to like me and come across as a, well 'cool person'. This results in me responding feeling under pressure so that I generally just give a one-word answer, because my brain just freezes up because I'm trying to put in all this effort into thinking of something good to say in reply. But on the other hand, when I give my usual short reply and they do just that - leave me alone, I want them to keep talking. I just don't know how. (And yes, this thought process really is over just something simple like that.) This kind of thing happens when I meet or talk to people for the first time, too. I really struggle with making conversation. I think I put way too much effort into it, but I don't know how to start, or keep one going.

So after all that - thank you so much, by the way, if you stayed around to read and help me out <3 I guess what I'm asking is for some advice. If you've been quiet, or shy, or lonely and isolated at some point, or cared WAY too much about what people thought about you so that it affected your relationships with those around you and managed to change, how did you do it? What was that defining moment where you managed to overcome it? Because I really don't know anymore. I want to change, I don't want to go through my life virtually alone. I'm going into college soon and I want things to be different. Taking that first step seems so confusing and overwhelming.

 

[Ithior]

I can relate to pretty much everything you said. I only started worrying more about this in the last year or so though, so right now I can't give you any real advice.

If you're going to college without your friends you could try finding people that share the same interests you do. I can't really help you with that though, it depends on how college works in your country and if there are like clubs to join or something. When I went to university there were no clubs and I already knew many people before going there, eventually we formed a group with 4 people that I knew (all guys) and 3 other (1 guy and 2 girls) that we met in classes. Anyway, those girls are only with us during breaks and birthday dinners, so I'm just going to talk about the group of guys.
Just like you, I can't open myself to people. I eventually manage to share some things about how I feel about a particular subject or how the semester is going, but I can't talk about more personal things. Even when it comes to jokes, I only start making funny comments around people I've known for a long while (I'm thinking about this guy in particular that I've known for 8 years, he's always been in my class and he's probably the only person I don't have any trouble telling funny comments to).
The group of guys has two main topics of discussion: cars and football (soccer). I'm probably the only one who doesn't care about cars, and even though I like football, I don't follow it as much as they do. So just like you, when they're talking I just stay quiet. Eventually they start connecting more when the group isn't all together, and I just start feeling left out.

My point with this is that if you're going to college by yourself, try finding people that share your interests. If you just stick around the people you met by chance in the first weeks, it's likely they won't share the same interests that you do. I'm not saying to completely disregard people that don't share your interests, but in your case it might be better to try to connect with people that do share those interests.

As you discuss those interests with those people I think you will probably start feeling more comfortable around them and it might be easier to open up. Don't take my word for granted though, I'm still going through the same stage you are and I never tried out what I just said. Anyway, I don't you to make the same mistakes I did. Since we are sort of social perfectionists (idk if that's the right term), we tend to try to fulfil the expectations others have of us. If others expect you to be the quiet type that doesn't get involved in any activities, it's likely that your behaviour will match those expectations because you don't want to go against the image people have of you. But if you're going to college by yourself, people around you won't have any expectations of you, so you're more free to go around and look for people that share your interests.

Well, this is all a theory so I don't know how well it would work. It may also depend on your interests, some of mine are kinda weird and probably looked down upon by most people in my city so I hide them, which makes it harder to find other people with the same interests.

If you're like me though you'll have trouble doing the things I said you should do. If I do figure out how to take the first step and change, I'll share it with you. In the meantime, I'll follow this thread for advice and if you want to talk about it feel free to do so.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

You're a pretty normal 17yr old. At that age, the stakes and pressure are very high! Everyone wants to fit in but are scared. I think a lot of people in your school feel the same way you do. I know it doesn't appear that way, it never does.

I think having no siblings and having your parents split would be hard on anyone. In spite of everything, you're actually coping well. I don't think there is anything wrong with having a shy or quiet temperament. But, the anxiety around people coupled with caring too much about what others think is what makes SA what it is.

Suffering SA myself, I don't have a lot of advice. BUT, you do need to open up more. Posting your thread was a great start-GOOD JOB! Holding things back in, only makes it worse. Let it out!

Welcome to the forum!

 

[WishingICould]

Be grateful you have a good group of friends. Some people aren't lucky enough to even have that.

 

[mikebird]

I want to reply about your thoughts.

I'll try to keep this short. If you get bored reading any of this, stop reading.

I had a breakthrough time at age 16 and 17. The one with not many friends. This status has only seriously come to light until I am in my thirties, now. Impossible to view the reality at school now. It's all gone.

It didn't help to move between three different schools, making a fresh start, having to move county with parents. I wish this website was available when I was 16.

I felt an outsider, living with parents of grandparent age, while all the pupils were boarders, with their special social circles. There were plenty of day pupils like me, living at home. We had our own day house to meet, in the mornings, and between classes... and before going home. I decided to go home for lunch - never went to lunch at school... ummm... that was key to my development. Whooops!! No idea what made me feel like not going to lunch with everyone. Big mistake. I ended up as the one in the IT room during sport and lunch, with nobody else there.

Each 3 schools were very different for lunch. No problem with the original hall. Next school lunch was fine - the junior, of the final school, they had a break for an hour's book reading in different rooms, and one prefect to host these. CRUMBS! Only now do I remember this, when I read Hobbit, and Lord of the Rings I did host these for each younger year. Controlling the naughty ones! People did visit me at home at night and weekends...

In the Last 2 years, I became part of a group; now I remember how friends are made, because one came to visit to listen to music and if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have expanded my love of music. And we played video games at my house. That was my lone interest before.

He showed me cannabis. Nice. That is a way to build a relationship with a new common interest. Whatever the topic / activity is, you have to share it. Another schoolfriend joined us. Approaching another milestone as we got driving licenses. Went to visit with another friend - all in the countryside, from a different school, cos next door to the main friend. Three of us, meeting in the shed in the garden, every season - music, darts, smoking. I chose a name for us: The Three Bucketeers. Added a new one - all day boys. All same interest. I think this age is the only chance to forge important friendships. Limitless fun in the wide open countryside, with one of us being the driver, always swapping our parents' vehicles and drivers. Camping in the sunshine, etc. After what happened as Bucketeers, I'd be a shadow of what I am now, if it didn't. MUCH More has happened ever since school. That group became a different world of thousands, living in a very different part of the UK. Later, in the twenties, all that people ever care about is getting together to marry & produce children, and separate from all previous friends, forever. That hurts.

Good to join any group, and be outspoken and add ideas and make decisions

 

[Saga]

Thank you to all those who have replied! ^.^

@Ithior; Despite the fact that it's only a theory, your idea sounds pretty reasonable to me. I need to try out as many things as I can, so I plan to do so, but don't worry I won't blame you or anything if things don't work out, haha. xD <3 The good thing about the college I'm going to, or at least plan to, is that it's a specific one (music) so therefore there should be a common ground between the majority of people that go there before we even begin. Hopefully I can gain friends more easily this way. I guess I'll have to wait and see. Thanks for your advice and I hope things start going better for you, too. ;D
Oh, one thing, I don't think you should hide your interests! ^.^ I used to think that as well, but then I actually started sharing them and found out that a lot more people were interested in them than I even realized. c:

@ImNotMyIllness; Thanks. ^.^ Well, I definitely know I need to open up more, it's just doing it is so much harder than it seems. I guess my main worry is people thinking I'm a weirdo and talking about this to other people behind my back. A lot of stuff is all in my head about how people perceive me, I have to admit... but it's really hard to stop. If you have any ways of dealing with these kind of thoughts I'd really appreciate to hear them - at the same time if you don't, it's fine. c:

@WishingICould; Yeah, I definitely am grateful for that. It could be worse, I know, but at the same time it makes it hard when I feel like there is a barrier between us now, because our common interests no longer exist. :/

@mikebird; Not boring at all. The only thing is it's hard to find a common interest when neither of us is really interested in what each other likes anymore. I guess I'll just have to wait until college, it's not very long to go anyway. Thanks for your input! ^.^

 

[GarryU]

I think the most "socially healthy"thing you can do right now is diversify your group of friends so you have more options about things to do on the weekends.

Say partying hard is not your thing, then you can just hangout with them at your house or theirs, go camping, playign a sport, whatever.

The more people you know the more "healthy" your social life will be.

To meet more people naturally you gotta get involved in new activities.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I think the best way to deal with your thoughts is to realize that they're not accurate and it's your anxiety doing the talking. When you go to college, join a club or even start a Social Anxiety club! Once you get out and start meeting more people you'll gain confidence which will help with your anxiety.

 

[MikeyC]

I'm sorry you're going through this. What I can advise is that school is not real life. Once you leave, there will be a big, wide world of opportunity not constricted by the walls of your school. The five friends you're currently on the outer with you may not even keep in touch with.

I think that you are a quiet person by default. I have a friend who's very quiet and I know little about her, but if I email her, she will type my ear off. See her in person, and she's a mouse. Maybe that's you. If you want people to keep talking, yet you're afraid/anxious to converse fully, smile and listen to what they say. It's harder in school to get that to happen, but on the outside, someone who's attentive can be a pleasing thing!

I also have the issue of thinking too much about what people think of me, but at the age of 26 I'm finally starting to diminish that. It takes a long time but it can be done.