Its confusing because a lot of the time I feel like I don't want friends, that I can't handle having friends... and I am extremely picky with friends... Im not sure if that is a defense mechanism or just how I am... Im sure I would be told its a defense mechanism since I have AvPD.. For the most part I just think that a lot of people truly are "unworthy" of being friends with because they are selfish or judgmental or whatever it may be.. For instance I lost a friend because she owed me hundreds of dollars and got mad at me so she said screw it Im not going to pay you.. She was also arrested previously for trying breaking into her aunts house and trying to rob her for another example of who she is.. so in a lot of instances I feel I am right in my thinking and do not regret not wanting to be friends with her. Other time I "demand" that my friends have a certain intellect level or I do not feel like I can spend time with them... I guess these could be just ways to keep people away from me because I was never like that before. In a sense I feel like a lot of people are not "good enough" for me, even though when I say that I know that that is really not the way that I feel. I know I am self conscious, that a lot of the time I feel of low worth and certainly do not feel more worthy than anyone else, in fact quite the opposite. I think that I pick the faults out in others because I feel like people do the same to me. I see people for their faults, I see myself for my faults.
And yes I know I am extremely fortunate to have my fiance. I've been with him for 3 1/2 years and although I was started on this track when I met him I certainly felt nowhere close to what I do now. I met him when I was at least half way still myself. I don't know how I would even go about meeting someone now. He does know how I feel, unfortunately he is not one that is good with being close to someone either and is not always the best at being a comfort. At times he can be insensitive to it because well, it is hard to understand and I know that. Most of the time I function well, I appear that I am happy and well. I try to keep myself busy so that it does seem that way. And keeping busy usually works to keep myself somewhat happen and oblivious to the way I actually feel. I am a student though and I am out of school for the summer and my fiance works most weeks of the summer out of town for anywhere from 3-5 days at a time. With nothing to occupy my time I'm just left with my thoughts. Even when I need support he is busy working and tired after work so talking is not really an option while he is gone. I am very lucky to have him at all and he and my daughter are what keep me going at all.
A lot of time my relationship with him is also a strain to me because he has in a way been putting off us getting married and I feel like I am the cause of that. He assures me he knows he wants to be with me, but I often wonder if that is the case. On low days I drive myself even lower by telling myself that he will eventually leave too. But sometimes just hearing his voice for a minute or a short text from him will be enough to bring me back and remind me that I do at least have him.
He will be home tomorrow night so tonight will be my last night alone, at least for this week. I still find myself down tonight and just frustrated. I have felt more and more lately that I would want to try some antidepressants to see if they would help me at all, but I cannot bring myself to go to a psychologist because I am not sure I could handle that.... I do wish I could stop feeling like this though!!
And yes my fiance does have friends.. he is very outgoing and extroverted. He easily meets people and is easily liked by people. Which only makes it harder on me... he did have a couple that was/are his friends that we hung out with quite a bit then some situations happened that made me look badly and there was a disagreement of sorts with the woman and I.. they moved a half hour away and I have not had contact with them since.. my fiance tells me that they still like me, that since our car can't make it there and he gets rides that there is just no way for me to get there and there is no where for me to stay there which is slightly true but I have flat out told him that I am not dumb, that I know that they do not like me and I am sure I have not been invited there...
I feel like the more people I lose in my life the worse I become and the more I withdraw from people....