My fiance is out of town for work for 5 days and a lot of the time I get depressed when I am alone. I think because I am alone with my thoughts too much. I'm not even sure how to explain how I am feeling right now or why because at some point I start to just tune out and try not to think or feel at all. All I know is I wish I had someone to talk to but I have no one. I've pushed people away that cared and the others never cared to begin with. I'm stuck here trying to figure out my own thoughts and actions. I can't stand being around people for the most part, but then I get lonely and envy others with lots of friends even though I can't really even imagine having that at the same time. I can't figure myself out. I don't know what I want anymore or why I feel the way I do about anything. My fiance has become everything to me because I feel like he is the only one that is there for me and when he is gone I feel worthless, alone, and just plain lost. I am so tired of feeling like this. I am so tired of not knowing what it's like to be TRULY optimistic and happy. To feel pure joy not tainted with negative feelings........... This may not make sense to anyone but I had to ramble somewhere...! I am taking shots alone and feel like my thoughts only are going to get worse from here so thought I would try to get some of them out !! :kickingmyself:
Feeling alone and lost again
- Thread starter SR287
- Start date
Ads7800
Well-known member
Makes perfect sense to me. Plus, for people like us this is the best place to ramble.
That's what really sucks about AvPD or SA: the ambivalence of it. Wrestling the desire for human contact and the paralysing fear of making human contact!
All the best!
Odo
Banned
Well, if it makes you feel better, I think a lot of people out there probably envy people with fiancees.
Its confusing because a lot of the time I feel like I don't want friends, that I can't handle having friends... and I am extremely picky with friends... Im not sure if that is a defense mechanism or just how I am... Im sure I would be told its a defense mechanism since I have AvPD.. For the most part I just think that a lot of people truly are "unworthy" of being friends with because they are selfish or judgmental or whatever it may be.. For instance I lost a friend because she owed me hundreds of dollars and got mad at me so she said screw it Im not going to pay you.. She was also arrested previously for trying breaking into her aunts house and trying to rob her for another example of who she is.. so in a lot of instances I feel I am right in my thinking and do not regret not wanting to be friends with her. Other time I "demand" that my friends have a certain intellect level or I do not feel like I can spend time with them... I guess these could be just ways to keep people away from me because I was never like that before. In a sense I feel like a lot of people are not "good enough" for me, even though when I say that I know that that is really not the way that I feel. I know I am self conscious, that a lot of the time I feel of low worth and certainly do not feel more worthy than anyone else, in fact quite the opposite. I think that I pick the faults out in others because I feel like people do the same to me. I see people for their faults, I see myself for my faults.
And yes I know I am extremely fortunate to have my fiance. I've been with him for 3 1/2 years and although I was started on this track when I met him I certainly felt nowhere close to what I do now. I met him when I was at least half way still myself. I don't know how I would even go about meeting someone now. He does know how I feel, unfortunately he is not one that is good with being close to someone either and is not always the best at being a comfort. At times he can be insensitive to it because well, it is hard to understand and I know that. Most of the time I function well, I appear that I am happy and well. I try to keep myself busy so that it does seem that way. And keeping busy usually works to keep myself somewhat happen and oblivious to the way I actually feel. I am a student though and I am out of school for the summer and my fiance works most weeks of the summer out of town for anywhere from 3-5 days at a time. With nothing to occupy my time I'm just left with my thoughts. Even when I need support he is busy working and tired after work so talking is not really an option while he is gone. I am very lucky to have him at all and he and my daughter are what keep me going at all.
A lot of time my relationship with him is also a strain to me because he has in a way been putting off us getting married and I feel like I am the cause of that. He assures me he knows he wants to be with me, but I often wonder if that is the case. On low days I drive myself even lower by telling myself that he will eventually leave too. But sometimes just hearing his voice for a minute or a short text from him will be enough to bring me back and remind me that I do at least have him.
He will be home tomorrow night so tonight will be my last night alone, at least for this week. I still find myself down tonight and just frustrated. I have felt more and more lately that I would want to try some antidepressants to see if they would help me at all, but I cannot bring myself to go to a psychologist because I am not sure I could handle that.... I do wish I could stop feeling like this though!!
And yes my fiance does have friends.. he is very outgoing and extroverted. He easily meets people and is easily liked by people. Which only makes it harder on me... he did have a couple that was/are his friends that we hung out with quite a bit then some situations happened that made me look badly and there was a disagreement of sorts with the woman and I.. they moved a half hour away and I have not had contact with them since.. my fiance tells me that they still like me, that since our car can't make it there and he gets rides that there is just no way for me to get there and there is no where for me to stay there which is slightly true but I have flat out told him that I am not dumb, that I know that they do not like me and I am sure I have not been invited there...
I feel like the more people I lose in my life the worse I become and the more I withdraw from people....
And yes I know I am extremely fortunate to have my fiance. I've been with him for 3 1/2 years and although I was started on this track when I met him I certainly felt nowhere close to what I do now. I met him when I was at least half way still myself. I don't know how I would even go about meeting someone now. He does know how I feel, unfortunately he is not one that is good with being close to someone either and is not always the best at being a comfort. At times he can be insensitive to it because well, it is hard to understand and I know that. Most of the time I function well, I appear that I am happy and well. I try to keep myself busy so that it does seem that way. And keeping busy usually works to keep myself somewhat happen and oblivious to the way I actually feel. I am a student though and I am out of school for the summer and my fiance works most weeks of the summer out of town for anywhere from 3-5 days at a time. With nothing to occupy my time I'm just left with my thoughts. Even when I need support he is busy working and tired after work so talking is not really an option while he is gone. I am very lucky to have him at all and he and my daughter are what keep me going at all.
A lot of time my relationship with him is also a strain to me because he has in a way been putting off us getting married and I feel like I am the cause of that. He assures me he knows he wants to be with me, but I often wonder if that is the case. On low days I drive myself even lower by telling myself that he will eventually leave too. But sometimes just hearing his voice for a minute or a short text from him will be enough to bring me back and remind me that I do at least have him.
He will be home tomorrow night so tonight will be my last night alone, at least for this week. I still find myself down tonight and just frustrated. I have felt more and more lately that I would want to try some antidepressants to see if they would help me at all, but I cannot bring myself to go to a psychologist because I am not sure I could handle that.... I do wish I could stop feeling like this though!!
And yes my fiance does have friends.. he is very outgoing and extroverted. He easily meets people and is easily liked by people. Which only makes it harder on me... he did have a couple that was/are his friends that we hung out with quite a bit then some situations happened that made me look badly and there was a disagreement of sorts with the woman and I.. they moved a half hour away and I have not had contact with them since.. my fiance tells me that they still like me, that since our car can't make it there and he gets rides that there is just no way for me to get there and there is no where for me to stay there which is slightly true but I have flat out told him that I am not dumb, that I know that they do not like me and I am sure I have not been invited there...
I feel like the more people I lose in my life the worse I become and the more I withdraw from people....
OceanMist
Well-known member
What's interesting about your post is it's exactly how I felt today. I have no friends and don't even have a g/f, i literally don't have anyone I can call a close friend or g/f.
It's saturday night, and I felt alone, feel alone. I have nobody to talk to in person.
There is something wrong with this. It's not healthy.
I have heard someone talk about this in a youtube video, this guy says that as humans we are designed to be social creatures.
It makes you wonder....maybe we should do something about this and get some friends.
Agreed that we do need friends. And I know of plenty of ways to go about doing that. The problem with that is that we, at least myself, are not capable of having friends the way that we are... I think it would take a very tolerable kind person to be my friend. I have managed to pretty much push away a friend I have had for 17 years (wow didn't realize its been that long...).. For me I just dont feel like I am ready to have friends. That I need to "fix" myself before I am capable of doing so. Only how do you just fix something that is so off? We all have different reasons I believe for being the way that we are, we all came to the same spot from different paths.. but for me I feel I have had too many things pile up inside me that they finally just started to take over. I feel like it would take me a lot to get back to the way that I was before.
To add to that.... I feel like I have at least some people around me that I could reach out to but I dont feel like anyone can understand how I feel except for the people that are right here in this forum. I feel like if I even tried to explain to someone else how I felt that I would really get no where and only make myself feel vulnerable, and embarrassed.
There's a quote that has always stuck out to me, but it feels more relevant today than it ever has...
"“The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are things you get ashamed of, because words make them smaller. When they were in your head they were limitless; but when they come out they seem to be no bigger than normal things. But that's not all. The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried; they are clues that could guide your enemies to a prize they would love to steal. It's hard and painful for you to talk about these things ... and then people just look at you strangely. They haven't understood what you've said at all, or why you almost cried while you were saying it.”
I find that even with my fiance I have a hard time opening up and saying how I feel. When he asked me what was wrong tonight when I talked to him I told him nothing. When he asked me again I just told him its the same things that are always wrong, nothing new. Most of the time I feel like if I admit to anyone that I feel worthless than that almost makes it even more true.
There's a quote that has always stuck out to me, but it feels more relevant today than it ever has...
"“The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are things you get ashamed of, because words make them smaller. When they were in your head they were limitless; but when they come out they seem to be no bigger than normal things. But that's not all. The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried; they are clues that could guide your enemies to a prize they would love to steal. It's hard and painful for you to talk about these things ... and then people just look at you strangely. They haven't understood what you've said at all, or why you almost cried while you were saying it.”
I find that even with my fiance I have a hard time opening up and saying how I feel. When he asked me what was wrong tonight when I talked to him I told him nothing. When he asked me again I just told him its the same things that are always wrong, nothing new. Most of the time I feel like if I admit to anyone that I feel worthless than that almost makes it even more true.
MotherWolff
Banned
Isn't it strange how we really want to be with people and yet we don't. It is such a huge contradiction. For instance, I really wanted to see my bf at the hospital a few days ago. As he was on his way, I wanted to call him and tell him not to come because of SA. I had all of the SA symptoms.
The point is, you are not alone. I wish I could be of more help. I still struggle with this myself. What I am doing now is that I am forcing myself to go to group and meet new people. My goal is that every time I go to group, I will introduce myself to one person And as time progresses I will increase it to two people, Then three and four. Until its a large group of people. There is a name for this type of therapy. But I believe it works. You should try it too!
Odo
Banned
How are you supposed to fix yourself if you don't have friends?
If you're aware of the problem, then that should be at least half the battle. Maybe the next time you get a friend, you could make a list of positive and negative things about them and use that list to determine whether or not you should continue to be their friend.
At the very least, it could prevent you from letting a few actions dominate your opinion of them and help you with making less impulsive choices. More importantly, it could also remind you why you wanted to be their friend in the first place.
For a while I was "forced" to ride the bus 30 minutes because of our car so I could go to a class I had to take to get my Associates.. At first this was just terrible for me... It is so stupid but I know all of you here pretty much can relate.. I would get anxious and irritated hours before I had to go because it made me uncomfortable not only to ride the bus but to be in class.. I usually do online classes, and the ones that I have had on campus were pretty much just listen to a lecture then leave... but this professor actually wanted us to do group projects regularly and engaged us (called on us) occasionally in class... The whole thing was terrible for me... I made sure a million times that I had enough money for the bus, that I had everything I needed for class.. more importantly that I felt that I looked presentable.. if I didnt feel I looked well then I would have SUPER anxiety.. I would feel like everyone was looking at me.. Even if not I would still worry that I would do something dumb like trip and make a fool of myself... And at class I was terrified that I would be called on, or that I would look dumb in group projects...
But after a while I found it was really good for me.. I seen someone actually fall down on the bus and sure there are always those that will be rude, but for the most part people were concerned and kind and went about their day. It certainly was no big deal for this guy. If it had happened to me I would have been mortified for the rest of the trip, and probably every one after.... I eventually found some people that opened up to me out of no where and gave me confidence.. And found a person to sit next to in class to I felt cling to.. It felt better to have one person I could just chat with and one person I could do projects with to reduce anxiety... and I eventually found that most people in my class struggled just like me and a lot of people helped each other out... so it was not horrible.. nothing went wrong.. in fact was positive in some ways so I eventually found it good for me...
I agree that you need friends to be able to be better... You need confidence built slowly to be able to get back up... what I mean I guess that at this point I have found myself feeling somewhat bitter. I have started to get out of this by getting rid of negative influences, but still I find myself A LOT more neurotic now than I used to be. I am over sensitive to people and it causes a lot of issues.. which makes it hard to have friends. I am also stubborn so apologizing is not easy for me to do at all. Even when I want to most of the time I feel like it would not be received well even though I am sure this is not true... I like your idea of a list... I do make impulsive decisions a lot off of how I feel and I often turn out regretting them..
But after a while I found it was really good for me.. I seen someone actually fall down on the bus and sure there are always those that will be rude, but for the most part people were concerned and kind and went about their day. It certainly was no big deal for this guy. If it had happened to me I would have been mortified for the rest of the trip, and probably every one after.... I eventually found some people that opened up to me out of no where and gave me confidence.. And found a person to sit next to in class to I felt cling to.. It felt better to have one person I could just chat with and one person I could do projects with to reduce anxiety... and I eventually found that most people in my class struggled just like me and a lot of people helped each other out... so it was not horrible.. nothing went wrong.. in fact was positive in some ways so I eventually found it good for me...
I agree that you need friends to be able to be better... You need confidence built slowly to be able to get back up... what I mean I guess that at this point I have found myself feeling somewhat bitter. I have started to get out of this by getting rid of negative influences, but still I find myself A LOT more neurotic now than I used to be. I am over sensitive to people and it causes a lot of issues.. which makes it hard to have friends. I am also stubborn so apologizing is not easy for me to do at all. Even when I want to most of the time I feel like it would not be received well even though I am sure this is not true... I like your idea of a list... I do make impulsive decisions a lot off of how I feel and I often turn out regretting them..