Feedback on my song.

[Liam17]

Hey everyone, was hoping for feedback on my song
I'm in a band, wrote another 20 songs or so, just wrote this now so feedback will be good before my next band practice and when i see my band, which is in a week, so i can make changes etc.
hope you like it

We take in, and fall down
We live up, to where the sun don’t shine.
If we believed, in what faith?
You’d get, the same old fait.

Your the ghost in my soul, that makes me fade
Your the ghost in my soul, that makes me fade

You haunt my brain, i’m used to the blame,
but now i’v got sunshine, you’ve got rain.

If theres a chance, of a fair day.
Maybe i’d believe someday.
I want peace, not rain.
the sun, that shines your name.

Your the ghost in my soul, that makes me fade
Your the ghost in my soul, that makes me fade

You used to haunt my brain, it was all the same
but now i’v got sunshine, you’ve got rain.

Your the ghost in my soul, that makes me fade
Your the ghost in my soul, that makes me fade

You used to haunt my brain, it was all the same
but now i’v got sunshine, you’ve got rain.

©Whitelines.

 

[WriterChick3]

I think it's nice.
Don't take this personally, though: But do you think maybe you're repeating the same lines over and over again? Sometimes that can be confusing to the person listening. Maybe throw around something in it ... maybe a bit more of a story to the song?

Other than that .... I like the line You haunt my brain, I’m used to blame,
but now I've got sunshine, you’ve got rain.

 

[Liam17]

I think it's nice.
Don't take this personally, though: But do you think maybe you're repeating the same lines over and over again? Sometimes that can be confusing to the person listening. Maybe throw around something in it ... maybe a bit more of a story to the song?

Other than that .... I like the line You haunt my brain, I’m used to blame,
but now I've got sunshine, you’ve got rain.

Cheers . Yeah but its a song, so its got to be kinda catchy. But i think i'll add another verse

 

[WriterChick3]

Good luck with it. I'm sure it'll be good ...

Try n' be the next Paul McCartney, mmkay?

 

[Liam17]

Good luck with it. I'm sure it'll be good ...

Try n' be the next Paul McCartney, mmkay?

HA! doubt that, what would you rate the song atm on a scale of 1-10 (10 being good) be honest

 

[WriterChick3]

I'd say 7 .... I hope you don't mind me saying that. But I do think it is a nice song. Probably even more so with an instrument going along with it ...

 

[Liam17]

I'd say 7 .... I hope you don't mind me saying that. But I do think it is a nice song. Probably even more so with an instrument going along with it ...

Yeah, i'm going to improve it tomorrow thanks for feedback, and i don't mind you saying, honesty is need for songwriting

 

[Liam17]

NEW version of the song, check it out people need more feedback


We take in, and fall down
We live up, to where the sun don’t shine.
If we believed, in what faith?
We’d be, to same design.

Your the ghost in my soul, that makes me cold babe
Your the ghost in my soul, that makes me cold babe

You haunt my brain, I get blame,
but now i’v got sunshine, you’ve got rain.

If theres a chance, of a fair day.
Maybe i’d believe someday.
I want peace, not rain.
the sun, that shines your name.

Your the ghost in my soul, that makes me cold babe
Your the ghost in my soul, that makes me cold babe

You haunt my brain, I get blame,
but now i’v got sunshine, you’ve got rain.

This school, its not fair.
It’s cold, like you would care.
I hid, around there,
This feeling, i lost somewhere

Your the ghost in my soul, that makes me cold babe
Your the ghost in my soul, that makes me cold babe

You haunt my brain, I get blame,
but now i’v got sunshine, you’ve got rain.

©Whitelines.

 

[lunarla]

The repeated lines are actually my favourite. I like "You're the ghost in my soul that makes me fade." more than the revised version. But then again, I like the revised one too. To me, it'd work still if you kept both variations of that line in, just at different times.

 

[Liam17]

The repeated lines are actually my favourite. I like "You're the ghost in my soul that makes me fade." more than the revised version. But then again, I like the revised one too. To me, it'd work still if you kept both variations of that line in, just at different times.

Cheers for the feedback