Fear of Rejection

[flake__]

Is social phobia all about a fear of rejection?

Don't know if this obvious to people, but it wasn't to me. I had all these reasons in my head about why i was social phobic, and why i actually didn't LIKE social situations...and i was thinking, how am i going to get over this thing if i don't actually WANT to socialise with people? Basically i feel deep down that part of me is just anti-social.

The particular thing i thought of was small talk. I am MUCH better at formal kinds of conversation...like intellectual, or even deep, meaningful conversations--but rubbish at small talk, or at parties or whatever. Because i like the former two but hate the last one (i thought). I thought it was pointless and fake and that i hated it because it bored me and was meaningless etc.

So i made a list.

Why don't i want to go outside of my door? (i live in halls and would probably bump into one of the people on my floor who all know each other and socialise together)

1. I cannot DO social situations. Cannot do small talk, cannot communicate who i am, therefore will FAIL = the person i talk to will be bored/not want to form a lasting friendship = fear of REJECTION!

2. I don't LIKE small talk. I don't ENJOY it. I will gain nothing from it. It will DEPRESS me. Also it is POINTLESS/stupid/fake = a) If i make the effort = fail= Fear of REJECTION. b) If nothing meaningful is being said, i am not making any progress in getting people to ACCEPT me = desperate need for acceptance, because i don't FEEL accepted. Therefore i cannot 'enjoy the moment' of fun for fun's sake. c) PRIDE = I am better than small talk = I don't WANT to be accepted = fear of REJECTION!

3. There will be questions eg: what did you do last night = have to LIE = mental exhaustion and feeling a FAILURE.

4. There will be future commitments eg/ what are you doing tonight, want to come out? And knocking on my door constantly = EXPECTED to come out, socialise when i have no other commitments = don't like thought of this!! Because i will FAIL in social situations = rejection.

5. I am NO ONE, i am nothing, i have no personality etc therefore talking to me or trying to form a friendship is POINTLESS, i will always let you down by being boring/unfunny/miserable/not keeping up social commitments because of my desire to be alone, therefore you are BETTER OFF without me, and you will realise this, and not need me/give up on me = REJECTION!

Therefore we are not at all anti-social, we actually crave acceptance, and our fear of rejection is what keeps us hiding in our rooms!

What do you guys think? I could be wrong/some points could be wrong. You could try doing your own list of why you think you don't want to socialise/are afraid of socialising and see where this leads.

 

[coriander1992]

I think what you are saying is right.
One of the main things that is in every definition of social anxiety is "fear of being judged", which I suppose goes hand in hand with fear of rejection.
It's like we think we aren't good enough for anybody else, and we don't want them to reject us for not being good enough, so we stay away from them without even trying to find out if that is true or not, because we can't leave outselves open to being rejected.

Saying that though, I think rejection and fear of being judged is only one part of Social phobia/anxiety. It's different for each person I think, but there are some elements that are always the same, like those you have mentioned.

 

[sickofbeinglonely]

Good post, flake. I've felt for a long time that it's a fear of rejection which is why I rarely interact with people. I'm at a stage now where I'm really feeling bad about being so isolated. Certainly fear of being judged negatively has made it more difficult for me to make friends.

 

[Day_Tripper]

Mine isn't fear of rejection, I just can't think of what to say to people.

 

[Shaky_Hand_Man]

I suppose if i think about it i fear failing in my career or doing something heavy handed. I only get my SA in formal situations, usually work related.

 

[dottie]

yep! the desire to be accepted is such an engrained... almost instinct in me that my whole existance seems reactive. deep down i "want" to be accepted so badly but it doesn't make sense because even the people i get the tendency to "want" to be accepted by i don't really think are great people. and it's only when i'm in their presence that i want to be accepted by them! when i am away from them, not in their presence, i could care less if they like me- some of them i find completely boring, immoral, in bad taste, and even dumb. why is it in their presence i feel like i must have them like me? it isn't a cognitive, thought-out desire. it is totally reactive to being around a person, having people present around me.

sometimes i think social phobia and the desire to be accepted stem from an existential crisis. we are more aware of our existence and so there seems to be a heightened importance in everything we do, after all, we only get to do it one time around. maybe the way we are so desperate to be accepted stems from a subconcious thought- what if there was a crisis? what if a bomb went off and the only other person around to aid me was this other person- i would want them to value me and help rescue me. it's extreme but human thought processes are so complex and maybe this desperation for social acceptance is linked to the desperation for existence. maybe it's just me!

 

[DelGreco]

I think this post is spot on. At the heart of anxiety is a very deep fear of rejection, and what follows is a kind of defensive defeatism, which is avoidance (It's pointless... etc.). Like you, I've had phases where I was very contemptuous of small talk, so I could convince myself that maybe I didn't really like or need socializing. But at the same time I'm very lonely. Rejection, I think, balances out the contradiction.

When I think about why I don't talk with such and such people, part of it is physiological (heart rate, adrenaline), part of it is going blank from nervousness, some of it is lack of social experience; but at the the core of all these manifestations of anxiety is the fear that because I'm socially inept, people won't like me. If I knew 100% that people were really going to be accepting and helpful, I doubt I'd stubbornly still insist on being quiet. This is where I'm stuck. How do I find someone or some people that will help me restore trust in people and socializing? How can I find the positive reinforcement I need? Anyway, great post. I related to all your points.

 

[Infected_Malignity]

Hey, is that all you're feeling down about? That's normal for a shy or socially anxious person. I'm coming out of feeling like that - but you're right in saying that it's a fear of rejection. Most shyness and social phobia is - or at least my case was.

And I know exactly what you mean about deep conversations being less draining on your mental (and sometimes even physical) well being, as opposed to small talk. Why? Because you don't want to talk about YOURSELF! Think about it - deep conversations about philosophy, religion, politics... none of these have a thing to do with you! But everytime you go to say hi to someone, you're risking them talking to you, and maybe even about you! And in turn, this can lead to further humiliation.

You are SOOO not alone! I used to (and occasionally still do) get to the point where I feel physically tired after talking about myself - but I'm learning to like myself as a person more, and believe me, it's one of the greatest things you can invest your time into.

And one more thing about it all - do you ever feel like maybe you have difficulty expressing yourself (aka, what some would call "poor" social skills) to others? One thing that makes somebody "good" in dealing with social situations, is the fact that they can be absolutely honest about themselves in every social situation! So next time somebody asks you what you got up to the night before, don't make up lies! You'll feel so much better with the honesty that you did nothing, as opposed to the guilt it causes when you make something up!

You're going to have to go out on a limb this one and just trust me! Out of everybody here, I've probably had more bad experiences with this type of shit than anybody you know!

 

[flake__]

Thanks for the comments...i guess what i am saying is it is our fear of rejection that makes us afraid in social situations!

Not that we don't know what to say. Not the physical symptoms. These are effects because of our fear of rejection.

We say the problem is self-conciousness. We think everyone is judging us. But we only fear this because we feel we will be judged badly, and we will get rejected, and this bothers us.

Think of other people--in social situations, if someone makes a criticism of what they just said, does it bother them? No, because they do not care for the judgement, because they are not afraid of being rejected. They are confident in themselves and do not need another person's affirmation of this point of view of themselves as confident. They do not need another person to 'accept' them as they already accept themselves as they are.

We are self-concious that we will get rejected, because we are afraid of rejection. If we weren't afraid of rejection we wouldn't be so self-concious.

So where did this fear of rejection come from?

We need acceptance from other people, because we do not already feel accepted. Perhaps this is because we do not accept ourselves. We beat ourselves up all the time. We hate ourselves. So we automatically think other people will not accept us also.
I guess if our minds don't 'accept' ourselves, always telling us we are rubbish/not good enough, how can our mind let other people accept us?

 

[RedRibbons]

I totally agree. My social anxiety stems from the idea that people don't like me, don't really want me around, think I am boring and blah blah blah I could go on forever. I think it might have something to do with all the REAL rejection that happened in my past. Annnd on top of that I am afraid of not having anything to say and then there being eternal silence. :/

 

[Doomed2Die]

That's the way I view it personally, the painful paradox that is SP.

We want acceptance and yeah maybe because we cannot accept ourselves and blindly long to be wanted because we don't 'want' ourselves.

I like how you have set out the points, and it is so true. This is also a way to combat SP, take out one 'point' and the others cannot sustain eachother.
Its pretty complex how we both 'want' and 'resist' and also through this our perceptions can change for the worse such as self hate.

Personal, but should I really be fully honest? To everyone? It would be painful and im sure (in my mind) that I'll lose alot of contacts of people I know, or maybe it will be me pushing away from them, imagining things. Don't help that I have had little social practice either xD. I guess its a mindset, to finally stand up to my fear and accept losses should they happen.

Yes this is SP picked clean ^^ I like this thread, well done flake and everyone who has posted so far. These forums sure are handy for straightening out some thoughts during a down time of confusion. :?