Ever let social desire control your life?

[HenryWS]

I'm 20 and I'm in University break at the moment. I rarely ever go out the house. I have appointments to attend every week or two or so, which I make sure I force myself to attend. Other than that I have pretty much been staying at home, or at the compulsory University classes I have. Having said that I do have friends but I don't feel they understand me, so while they consider me a friend and might come around to my house to see me every now and again, I never feel comfortable with that. It just causes me more anxiety and negative thought spirals - I don't know I don't even understand myself. But anyway.


For example, tonight is a Friday night here in Australia, and I have tonnes of study to do before Monday where classes resume again. But my mind tells me "It's Friday! You are 20 years old! Go out and be social!" I just crave the social connection SO much. But have nowhere to go. And know I have commitments to attend to. But I just want it so bad. People I know my age go out and meet girls and make friends at bars, clubs and parties on the weekends. I cannot express how envious I get of this. It makes me frustrated at myself because I know I want to go and do these things, but I have way too many inhibitions stopping me. It's a damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Just wish I could be less reliant on other people's company and validation to make me feel happy. And I wish I could learn to be social and have fun without the need for intoxicants.

That was not the way I intended to express myself but I fear If I keep editing it the original message will be lost. I have trouble posting here, I never can feel content with what I say and never feel like I belong anywhere. So if I don't reply it's all personal but I once again express my BIGGEST gratitude for being here. I find this forum to be WONDERFUL! May you all have a lovely weekend.

 

[Boby]

I'm in the same situation as you.Right now I'm crushed between two choices keep studying or trying to improve my social life.The problem I suck at both :: I keep staying home saying in mind that studying for school is more important and when I'm trying to actually study I can't concentrate because I think of how much my social life sucks ::

 

[HenryWS]

Sorry to hear that.

I know it's a debilitating feeling. My positive mind wants to tell me that it's going to be okay. If I can accept myself, everything else will fall into place.

It's just so damn hard to think positive and to actually feel it when things seem so dark and gloomy. But it's possible. So I suppose that in itself is worth fighting for.

At the end of the day negative thoughts are only ever going to sustain the bleak reality that our mind perceives. The only way to me more sociable, to be more likeable, to focus freely is to be positive and hold positive thoughts. I mean, the way I feel it, is this negativity. What is it? Take my life. In the present moment I am who I am. No more, no less. But my mind will analyse things. I don't feel connected to friends and family right now for example, so my mind will label that as a problem. Then my mind analyses what caused this problem? Which leads to a belief that I am the problem.

But this can't be? I'm not a bad person. I don't intentionally go out to hurt somebody. Sure I might be too absorbed into my own thoughts to be there for people sometimes, and like everyone I make mistakes, but so does everyone else right? This labeling must stop.

I sincerely hope that you, I and everybody else can live freely without judgment.

 

[mikebird]

Same as you at 20.

Best life I ever had. Everyone liked me and I liked them. For being so happy, I went to jail for a year. Never met such brilliant people there. When I got out, I felt that I'd miss that place, but thought is was a strange idea, and ignored it. I was right. I missed everyone, and I do now.

Life was so good.

I have no idea what to tell you, but I want to; don't let anything get away. Every move you make from now can be in your favour, or detrimental to the rest of every year you live. I was so pleased with people then. It makes me sob now.

Get it right. You shouldn't have to reflect the way I do these days. It's too late for me. I liked uni breaks. I was a bit alone sometimes - out of contact. Then back to it. Don't lose touch.

Right back then... I had deep insight, always trying to maintain all links, and aware the way it could go. Worried at 20 that I might not be happy at 36.

 

[very_shy]

HenryWS: at least you recognized this now, at 20. I hope you will choose the appropriate "path" which will satisfy you. You are now in university, so you still have your circle of friends. Hold it. And when you think in waves, when you have the "Study" wave and the "Social" wave, you board the second one. You will never miss the first one because of that.

I started thinking like you only now, when I am near 29. Back in highschool and in the university the only moto was: study and study. It went crazy in highschool where I was studying for 6-7 hours every day. I constantly rejected every offer to go out. At the university it was different as I get used to by life. I lost my circle of friends: I only got "colleagues". All contacts were strictly based on study work.

And when I graduated? Emptiness. My neighbour had a birthday and invited me with her friend to a bar. I was there only 10 minutes and then almost ran home. I realised there was a problem...

 

[Gaucho]

haha, exactly like me.

im in university and here its friday night, and like the last 2 months ill stay in the dorm. why:because my anxiety is so strong as never before, i have to be careful to not go complete crazy and just leave everything. it even hurts more the knowledge that with a 80% probability i will fail all my upcoming exams, why? because i turned stupid over the years.
It even hurts more the fact that i know my family makes it possible for me to study in a different country, and believing in me. My mother actually would be happy if i had a good time in university, that would be enough for her.
there is only 1 kitchen for the entire dorm, i don't go there anymore because of SA, so most days i just eat cereals 3 times a day, how incredibly pathetic is that? please.

 

[gustavofring]

there is only 1 kitchen for the entire dorm, i don't go there anymore because of SA, so most days i just eat cereals 3 times a day, how incredibly pathetic is that? please.

I know the feeling. But you know, I think it's important to get yourself out there and talk to your roommates. Otherwise you only end up eating yourself up for avoiding people.

I always feel the same way, but then it turns out the interaction isn't that bad and all the fear and scenario's were mindmade. Social interaction is so important to humans. We'll go mad without.

 

[LifeInternal88]

Hey henry. I totally get what you're saying.

@Very_Shy.I did reasonably well in school/undergrad but I kinda wish I had been more focused...so it's not all bad that you worked so hard in school. Plus I think having something that you're dedicated to helps keep your mind away from these depresive thoughts.

 

[Kiwong]

At University, towards the end of my degree, I got involved into the social scene of drinking and bar nights. I was topping my course and I felt some jealousy from of the other students I was studying with. So I tried to get involved socially to feel less of an outsider.

My focus was studying mature age and getting a degree. It was the worse thing that I ever did. I didn't enjoy getting pissed, there wasn't anything much social about it, the whole dysfunctional mess of uni 'social' life crushed my self esteem even further. It exposed my deficiences as a person, I was older and uncool, and I felt even more of an outsider.

 

[Gaucho]

I know the feeling. But you know, I think it's important to get yourself out there and talk to your roommates. Otherwise you only end up eating yourself up for avoiding people.

I always feel the same way, but then it turns out the interaction isn't that bad and all the fear and scenario's were mindmade. Social interaction is so important to humans. We'll go mad without.

hi there, i know how important it is to have human interaction,but with my avoidance personality disorder and SA its very hard,I'm also bipolar and other things, so when that comes together and is severe, like lately, its just impossible, I'm not even able to go the pharmacy, where i need something from. i entered it 2 times already and had to go out before they attended me.

over the time, when u try and try and try, but still fail, comes the point were a person gives up, I'm right there. at the beginning, 2 months ago, i tried to interact with everyone, but it turned out to be very difficult and robbed all my energy. Its just impossible to find someone with the same interests and at the same time at the same level of personality.

its a viscios circle, i know that if i will have a good experience, like partying, meeting a new person i like and that person likes me, i would probably be out of my black world. but the depression will kick again soon, only 1 small thing is necessary to return to it.

lol i tell all these storys whining. i have to change, but its just so difficult. btw i appreciate that u read my post, hehe, i thought no one reads them.

 

[HenryWS]

Mikebird: Thank you for sharing your insight. It is great advice... Being 20 I reflect upon my childhood with sadness and regret. I will take on your words, but I do not think it's too late for you at all. It's never too late.

very_shy: Thank you for sharing your experience with me. Congratulations on graduating with the degree that takes a lot of dedication. I will try to force myself to get involved socially - I too can relate to feeling like running home from pubs or parties. Need to escape the comfort zone but it's hard. My therapist told me once that giving in to those strong flight responses only strengthens the response but that doesn't make it any easier.

Gaucho: I also feel like giving up sometimes and just running away from my degree, and my choices. It's great that you have family that believe in you, that's really special - something to be grateful for. I am fortunate to have my mum and grandparents supporting me with my study. I suffer an eye condition which leaves me legally blind but their constant support has helped me more than I can express. Degrees are hard. I have only just started but had to drop a class because it was too hard for me to focus on. Don't beat yourself up, only can do your best.

I agree with gustavofring - social interactions are never as bad as our minds expect them to be. Everyone else is too worried about how they are acting and what others think of them to analyse our actions too much. When you say you felt like trying to socialise with everyone robbed your energy, I get that too. Sometimes it can feel like such an effort to overcome the anxiety to talk to someone. Leaving me left exhausted and unable to function. For me I think it's because I try to put on a mask to hide my feelings. Trying to make jokes even when I'm sad. I do the same to my mum. But the other day I opened up to her and told her I felt sad and empty and it felt good. She understood and I got some of it out. For the record you seem really nice and i couldn't see why people wouldn't like you. For us both I think to be strong and carry on is important. Good luck with your exams.

LifeInternal88: Thank you for sharing that you understand.

Kiwong: It's good that you tried, just for the experience. I have tried to go out to clubs in the past but have hated it. I felt completely out of place, unable to dance or talk. Usually I would just buy drink after drink. I probably won't do it again unless I meet a really encouraging group of people. But I'm glad I have been and can give an opinion as to whether I enjoy it or not.

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I am going to try and organize something to do tonight. I think that I should try. I'll hopefully post back some positive results.