Emergency Backup Blog

I usually blog on SAS, but since they've obliterated their blogs I think I'll try here.

I guess if this is supposed to be my personal story, I should start from the beginning. That'd be sometime in late 1979 when I was a zygote and blissfully unaware of socializing. In the middle of the next year I emerged into the world, immediately felt overwhelmed and thought it best to keep things simple by not communicating any more than necessary. That strategy persisted for the following 25 years. Then 14 years of trying to learn how to socialize, with mixed results. A year off for COVID. And that brings you up to date.

So, last weekend was my first real social test in ages. Saturday I visited my parents indoors for the first time since 2019, and saw my sister and her husband for the first time since 2019. I was nervous on the way there, but it went well and I came away with a new houseplant. Sunday was my first meetup since last March and first softball game and first visit to the city since 2019. I didn't really initiate conversations, but that's okay, all went well. And on Monday there was the social challenge of talking to CVS people to get my vaccination shot, which also went well.

From here, my conundrum is whether/when to restart the two meetup groups I used to run: a social anxiety group, and a hiking group for which I was only able to host one meetup before the pandemic. The social anxiety group makes me less anxious to ponder (ironically?), but the hiking group would require a lot less driving and time commitment and is a more natural fit for doing everything outdoors and distanced. I think I'll give it a few weeks before I make any decisions. At any rate, it's good to have opportunities again. Maybe this is the year I make a legit local friend, or at least add some fulfilling interactions and fun diversions to my life.
 
A few months ago, a friend (of many years who I only email on rare occasions, so it's a little bit of an odd friendship) invited me to come visit and stay in her spare room in Colorado post-pandemic. It gave me something fun, original and challenging to think about -- as someone who has never been that far from home. I was going to drive it and see the intermediary states along the way and make it the adventure of a lifetime (literally because I'd never want to drive that far again).

But that's canceled now, as she's moving at the end of May and won't have a spare room anymore. I kind of expected this outcome so I'm not that disappointed. And I'm relieved to not have to face thousands of miles of driving and all the stress of figuring things out and sleeping at rest stops. But now I need to come up with some sort of plan for the summer, camping trip or something.

In other news, the annoying people who try to intercept me and sell me on something on my way in and out of Safeway are back... a serious negative side to normality.
 
Restarted my two meetup groups. Turns out having two or three groups costs the same as one, so I did both at once. The hiking group is drawing lots of interest, got a hike scheduled for Friday. One anti-masker so far. Lots of people asking questions. Appears it's going to be socially challenging with lots of extroverts. Doing my best to imitate a human so far.

The social anxiety one, despite being centered in a much more populated area, isn't drawing much interest at all and it seems likely there won't be enough people for a meetup there. Which is odd since ten years ago there were plenty of people. But I guess they've all met me by now and don't want to return. Seems you can't recapture the past. Sad for me since the social anxiety group is where I met my only nearby friend and my ex-girlfriend and most of the interesting people who were in my life over the last 11 years.

@MollyBeGood Yeah, they always seem to have the wrong prices or not credit discounts, and mine is just too busy these days. I've moved most of my grocery shopping to Target and Raley's where's there's no crowds, checkout lines or solicitors. Although Target suffers from bored cashiers who try to intercept my cart before I can reach self-checkout and pull me into their lane.
 
The first social anxiety group meet flopped a bit. There were 9 of us going... then one changed to a no, one was way late, and 5 were unexplained no shows. I loathe people who won't even change their RSVP last second or after the start time. We were basically sitting around for a half hour waiting and looking for people who apparently didn't give a ****. One of those no showed to my other group too, delaying a hike. I don't think I've ever no showed to anything in my life (a few last minute RSVP changes when I chickened out, sure), certainly not where letting someone know is as easy as a click/tap... who does that and thinks it's okay? Anyway, it really took the wind out of organizing that group for me to get 5 rude no shows to the very first one.

Got my second Moderna on Monday. Managed the arm placement and sleeve rolling much better. Side effects hit much quicker this time, after around 12 hours instead of 40 hours. Had a super fatigued day, and now just a couple of mediocre days where I'm feeling okay as long as I don't exercise or move my head too fast. Similar to the first shot, the arm soreness hasn't been as bad this time though. Glad to have it all over with. Not that I have any particular indoor social plans yet, especially with the lovely weather we get here in the spring... but by July I'll be happy to be able to safely go indoors more. And I'm pondering a Sacramento River Cats game for mid-June.
 
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This isn't really a surprise to me, but I'm finding I'm increasingly lonely now that restrictions on socializing are all gone. Paying $200 a year (meetup fees) to be rejected and ignored when begging people to hang out with me hurts more than just keeping to myself willingly. That's probably why I spent my first ~30 years keeping to myself willingly. So it goes.

But of course the worst thing is when somebody actually does show up. Spent Sunday on a meetup hike with a guy who zoomed past me illegally in his Mustang and makes a hobby of peak bagging and never goes to my area (but he's okay I guess, at least tolerable)... the other 10 people who'd previously been interested changed their minds. And after the one relatively successful SA meetup a few weeks ago, a rather intense-seeming guy messaged me his phone number wanting to be friends and I never replied because it would have to have been an extraordinary experience to give my number to someone after a single meetup. I mean, isn't there supposed to be a middle ground where you can make friends gradually and safely without consenting to a barrage of noisy messages from a total stranger you haven't identified anything in common with except anxiety?

Finished up another creative project:
I had it basically all done in a week 2 months ago but have been waiting all that time for the other guy to send his lines. If I could find somebody else, I'd kill off his character to cut out all the waiting and nagging in the future. Or if I could do a convincing second voice myself. I should probably work on learning that skill.
 
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Things have turned around a bit shockingly quickly. A very likable semi-friend I haven't seen in years is going to make it to the baseball game with me tomorrow. Then next week it looks like I'll be able to hang out with an old friend I haven't seen in 10 years who moved to another state. Very nice surprises.
 

PugofCrydee

You want to know how I got these scars?
I admire and applaud you for getting out there and actually meeting people in the first place. I struggle at the thought.. well no, the THOUGHT is fine, but making it actually happen is when SA starts to kill it off before anything gains traction..
 
The baseball game was fun. Then had a great afternoon with my old friend.

But then the next day was miserable. I've noticed it almost always works like that: if I have a really nice day, then the next day is a bad one (whereas if I don't have a nice day, both days are boringly neutral). Probably because I know there won't be any more really nice/interesting days for a long time, or maybe I use up all the nice brain chemicals or something. Whatever the reason, it really discourages me from bothering to have good times because I anticipate they'll have equal and opposite reactions.

If I keep the fun really mild then it doesn't necessarily provoke much of a reaction. Maybe the secret is to have very tiny amounts of fun.
 

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
The baseball game was fun. Then had a great afternoon with my old friend.

But then the next day was miserable. I've noticed it almost always works like that: if I have a really nice day, then the next day is a bad one (whereas if I don't have a nice day, both days are boringly neutral). Probably because I know there won't be any more really nice/interesting days for a long time, or maybe I use up all the nice brain chemicals or something. Whatever the reason, it really discourages me from bothering to have good times because I anticipate they'll have equal and opposite reactions.

If I keep the fun really mild then it doesn't necessarily provoke much of a reaction. Maybe the secret is to have very tiny amounts of fun.
The same thing happens to me after a really fun day I get really sad. It’s like ya gotta just enjoy those moments though either way because they are basically so fleeting. Congrats on getting out and doing stuff you love with friends.
 
Survived another birthday! I was kind of depressed about getting older for a couple weeks before it, but got better once it arrived. 'Twas yet another year of making less money (to the point it feels like a lie every time I say I'm employed) and being single and not making any new friends, but so be it, I'm still fairly happy with where I am.

Observed with family on the 4th. On my actual birthday I just went to the local board game night. And finished up the escape box my friend gave me a few weeks before, which was a lot of fun. Now I must spend the next 4 months developing a set of puzzles that can one-up that for her birthday.

My hiking group has been dying (about 5 meetups in a row nobody came to, then one that one other person came to), but my social anxiety group is showing signs of life so that's good to see.
 
I'm back into a sort of social routine with my game nights and softball.

What I like about routines is that there's less anxiety. What I hate about routines is, once your mind decides something is routine it blends into the background and you no longer give yourself credit for it and it no longer fulfills your needs -- it's just part of the wallpaper of your life and no longer feels like something you're actively doing and living for. Yet if you stop doing it or even skip once, you still get to feel terrible over the loss. It's a choice between high anxiety but feeling satiated or lower (yet still significant) anxiety but feeling unfulfilled and risking further emotional drops. Why can't there be an option to feel both comfortable, fulfilled and secure at once?

Beyond just socializing, I guess I have a weird relationship with routine. I'm simultaneously afraid of adventure and afraid of routine. So I've designed my life to eliminate routines in inconsequential ways that don't make me grow, like randomizing my sleeping and eating schedules. Like being up at 5am typing this eating dessert in the middle of my day (got up 11pm)... that's technically changing things up, but not really doing anything different. Even randomizing my food by piling the same 5 ingredients in different ways, instead of contemplating ever buying a different ingredient that would be risky since I wouldn't know if I'd like it. I manage to break up my routines and that keeps me sane, but without getting any of the memorable experiences or growth that other people get when they go beyond their routines.
 
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Phoenixx

Well-known member
What I like about routines is that there's less anxiety. What I hate about routines is, once your mind decides something is routine it blends into the background and you no longer give yourself credit for it and it no longer fulfills your needs -- it's just part of the wallpaper of your life and no longer feels like something you're actively doing and living for. Yet if you stop doing it or even skip once, you still get to feel terrible over the loss. It's a choice between high anxiety but feeling satiated or lower (yet still significant) anxiety but feeling unfulfilled and risking further emotional drops. Why can't there be an option to feel both comfortable, fulfilled and secure at once?
Thanks for putting this into words because I feel the exact same way. I struggle with this every single day and I find it ever so frustrating. I like routine and predictability as much as I also hate it. 😑 I think the challenge for me is that I bore very easily, yet I too fear adventure. But that stems from my social anxiety. Most often the adventurous things I'd love to do involve being around people and I just can't bring myself to do that usually. 😒
 
Everything is on fire. The air quality index is around 400 now, topped 600 yesterday. Tens of thousands of people have evacuated and their temporary shelters and camps are all around now. The evacuation warning zone is 4 miles east of me. Three of my favorite trails were just obliterated. The hospital is overflowing thanks to half the people murderously refusing vaccination and then adding smoke exposure cases. Every national park and forest in the region has closed until it rains to free up resources.

This is just the new normal. Happens every year. Life goes on, except for the people who die.

So, when air quality allows, I've been scheduling hikes for my hiking group on the trails that aren't burning. In the process, I've managed to meet an interesting local woman. She's one of those rare people with whom I can converse without feeling unnatural. At the end of the last hike, she invited me and the other attendee to join her for pizza... but I reflexively declined and hope I didn't seem rude.

Tonight, I'll be going out to a movie theater for the first time since last November. It's nice that COVID at least guarantees vacant seats on both sides (and likely a nearly empty theater).
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Everything is on fire. The air quality index is around 400 now, topped 600 yesterday. Tens of thousands of people have evacuated and their temporary shelters and camps are all around now. The evacuation warning zone is 4 miles east of me. Three of my favorite trails were just obliterated. The hospital is overflowing thanks to half the people murderously refusing vaccination and then adding smoke exposure cases. Every national park and forest in the region has closed until it rains to free up resources.
Meanwhile we've been dealing with rare extreme flooding on the opposite side of the country from a downgraded hurricane that passed through. Downgraded to a tropical storm, so I suppose it could've been a lot worse, but still. Hundreds of people lost their homes in the surrounding areas here, belongings, pets even. It's sad and devastating. Plus covid cases back on the rise. And all people can seem to bitch about is the possibility of having to wear a mask again and refusing vaccination. Makes a lot of sense huh? 🙄🤦‍♀️

Hope you enjoy your trip to the movies, despite everything going on. 👍
 
Phoenixx said:
Meanwhile we've been dealing with rare extreme flooding on the opposite side of the country from a downgraded hurricane that passed through.

One way or another, nature wants us dead. I'm thankful to live in one of the rare places that's immune to all natural disasters but fire (no hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, large hail, blizzards, earthquakes, etc here) but that's becoming a pretty big "but" in recent years.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
One way or another, nature wants us dead. I'm thankful to live in one of the rare places that's immune to all natural disasters but fire (no hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, large hail, blizzards, earthquakes, etc here) but that's becoming a pretty big "but" in recent years.
Agreed. I also live in an area that's fairly immune to natural disasters too, or used to be. Living in the eastern part of the country, the only major thing we typically have to worry about here are blizzards every year. We've never had to worry about as much rain as we have lately, nor as many dry spells as we have lately either. This is the first major flooding the area has seen in over 40 years, the last one was significant but nothing compared to this. Last year was nothing but hot, which caused several counties in the state to issue burn bans for a while which included campfires because everything was so dry. The creek that runs right on the edge of my yard was completely dried up last year, nothing but a trench of rocks. This year it's been flowing like a river. (Thankfully I don't have to worry about it flooding because the banks are so high and steep, plus it flows downhill.) These extremes are only going to be much more common as the years go by, sadly enough, and we only have ourselves to blame for it. :confused:
 
My ~2300 mile driving trip that I thought was canceled in April has been back on for early October for a while. As it creeps closer, it becomes more terrifying. Meh. I have two main worries: car trouble hundreds of miles from the nearest town or cell signal, and not getting any sleep for a week and thus being unfit to drive. Surprisingly, the fact that I've committed myself to 4 nights sleeping on a couch in the living room of a place that I believe (but haven't dared confirm) may contain a teenager is third on the list. I suppose I could always go to my car and drive to some dark alley to sleep. Assuming I can arrange my sleep schedule to fall on nights that week.

Part of me is excited to find out if the world east of Fallon, Nevada (the furthest east I've ever been) is actually real, though. I have a growing list of little places to stop. Stoke's Castle in Austin, a museum in Eureka, some interesting pinnacles in Green River, Wyoming. A couple of free campgrounds to break the driving into two days each direction. And a list of some moderately interesting places to go at my destination.

I was hoping to see two friends with one stone -- er, trip -- but the other friend has failed to convey whether or not she wants to meet so I guess that's a no. Which is disappointing, since we've been friends for 11 years worth of emailing and this is the only chance we'll ever have to meet.

Hopefully I can cram a life's worth of traveling in one week and then never have to do any again. (Or, if it somehow turns out enjoyable, maybe I'll try Portland next time since I have an offer to host me there too.)
 
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Phoenixx

Well-known member
That's a hell of a trip. Hope you have a blast and safe travels!

I hope you're able to meet your online friend too. I was supposed to meet up with a former user from here a couple years back, but unfortunately bad winter weather in my part of the country impeded those plans. :( Then covid hit the following year which has made out of country travel damn near impossible even now. So I also wonder if I'll ever get to meet them someday.
 
Back from my trip! Whew. Ended up driving 1150 miles home in one day on Monday, I'd planned to split that into two days but being trapped in my car for 15 hours waiting out a snowstorm didn't appeal too much so I decided I'd keep going as long as I felt alert and the road wasn't snowed over. Also left a day early so as to not get caught in chain controls, but frankly I was eager for the excuse to cut it a little short, particularly as I wasn't able to get much sleep away from home (despite being upgraded to a private room).

Nonetheless, it was certainly an interesting time. Took hundreds of photos: https://www.quietplease.org/trip/
 
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