Don't know if I'll cope

simpsons2007

simpsons2007

Well-known member
I just want to say thank you for reading this and I'm sorry if you got bored while reading it. I tried to make it as short as possible. hehe lol :)

As some of you might already know I am currently living with my cheating ex girlfriend of 12yrs and our 6yr old daughter. Which gets very awkward most of the time being in the same house as her. I hate having to pretend to be nice and everything is ok when I'm around her. But I have to keep the peace for my daughter as she doesn't know whats going on and I don't want to upset my daughter. Even though I can not stand being around my ex at all. It is nice to know that someone else is in the house. That might sound weird to most of you but its more of a comfort and security feeling to know I'm not alone in the house.

But my problem is. Theres going to come a time in the very near future. Probably in the next few months or maybe a bit longer. Where I will be living completely alone 24/7 for the first time ever. As one of us will be leaving the house and what ever happens my daughter will be going with my ex.

I'm just not sure how I will cope being completely alone for the very first time. There are somethings that I just can not do. Like I cant go out to the shops to get shopping. I do all our food shopping online which lasts a month. And if we need bread/milk etc during the week the ex goes out and gets it. For me to walk into a shop and buying food is impossible at the moment. Its something that I can not do. I don't know what I'll do when I'm on my own and need to get those sort of things.

I can't go to the bank to pay bills, rent or council tax or any thing like that because of my severe SA and agoraphobia. I've not been into a shop for over 5yrs its that bad.

I don't even know how I will cope with the feeling of complete loneliness. I am getting use to the feeling of being lonely with no friends but I still have someone in the house so I'm not alone. But its the feeling of being lonely with no one around that I don't think I will cope with.

Having my daughter around is helping me from not hitting the bottle. Every time I have an episode of severe depression which happens far too often. I have to be honest there has been the odd day or two over the 3yrs that I've been sober that I have had a few drinks (but nobodies perfect). But without my daughter around me I'm not sure if I will be able to stop those thoughts coming in and I'll start drinking again. Having my daughter in the same house as me gives me the motivation to carry on and not pick up the bottle of drink. But when I'm finally living alone she wont be around as much to give me the motivation that I need not to drink.

I would love to be the one to bring my daughter up but because of my problems I wouldn't be able to. And that wouldn't be fair on my daughter. She needs to be with the parent that will be able to give her the best life. And because I can hardly leave the house sometimes and she needs to go school etc she needs to be living with the ex.

I'm really struggling to cope now with my problems. But when all this added pressure happens I don't think I will be able to cope. I know none of this is going to happen for awhile yet but its been on my mind constantly since I split up with the ex.
 
Deus_Ex_Lemur

Deus_Ex_Lemur

Well-known member
Sorry, mate. That's a lot of shtuff right there =/ You ever get therapy or outside help? You work? You can view this time as a real "opportunity" to get some deeper help for many reasons. And your daughter is motivation whether around or not, the temptation surely easier when she's not there. But try to set some goals... I know easier said than done, I just know you underestimate yourself you've said a lot of good stuff on these forums and helped people. =)

Don't get too down or worried yet; I'm sorry for all the hoopla goin' on in your life, esp involving family like this. Keep posting here, many peeps will be here for support! Don't let down, mate!
 
MaliceInWickedland

MaliceInWickedland

Well-known member
Wow, that sounds like a very difficult situation to be in and I am really sorry that you have to go through this.

I applaud you though. Being cheated on twice myself, I would not be able to handle being with someone who did such a thing to me. The fact that you put up with that person by living with her for the sake of your daughter is very admirable.

I'm only 17 and have a lot to learn about life still and knowing that, I feel like I can't give you any real advice on how to cope with your situation. The best thing I can think to tell you is that you have to learn to take care of yourself on your own. People in this world are very unreliable and you can't spend your entire life depending on them.

I know it's easier said than done, especially given the fact that you haven't been in a store for 5 years, but you have to think of yourself. You can't let your SA take over your life and prevent you from living it. People are a-holes, no doubt about that, but they're not at a point where they watch your every move and judge you on every aspect or anything. Most people are into their own thing and treat everyone else like another shadow on the wall.

I used to be at a point where I refused to take one step near a store in fear that people would be watching my every move but over time I exposed myself to going places like that and told myself that people don't have their eyes on me and are doing their own thing. I treated myself like I was just another shadow on the wall and that helped to lighten up that tension of feeling that people were watching me and that's lessened my SA by a great amount.

I suggest you slowly but gradually expose yourself to the public and learn to adjust to it. You can't trap yourself in your house forever. You need human contact no matter how much it may bother you to interact with others. There is no solution to SA unless you learn to overcome it on your own, or with some sort of effective therapy.

As for coping with loneliness, get a pet! My father died in a car accident when I was 7 and then it was just my mom, grandmother and I until my grandmother passed away 2 years ago from brain cancer. After she died, I've been left home alone for the most of the day until my mom arrives home from work at 7. To help kill my loneliness, I got myself a leopard gecko and she proved to be a great comfort, even though she's a relatively small pet and usually in her terrarium. Recently I got myself a puppy and he is the silliest thing and always makes my day no matter how crappy it is.

I'm not saying you should go out and get yourself an expensive pet. It could be anything! A bird, reptile, ferret, hamster, rabbit, cat, dog, anything. I've never encountered a single animal who hasn't been able to provide comfort to me and they're very nice to have along your side. For you, I would suggest a dog so you could go out and walk him and expose yourself to the public more, but its your choice.

I know my input isn't very helpful or encouraging and apologize for that but I really do hope I've helped somewhat, even the slightest bit. Just have faith in yourself and you'll pull through eventually. I wish you nothing but the best and hope you pull through. You WILL pull through, you CAN do this. Nothing's impossible unless you make it to be, remember that.
 
simpsons2007

simpsons2007

Well-known member
^ Thank you all for your advice and support it means a lot.

@Deus_Ex_Lemur

I was working until about 2yrs ago when I was signed off work by my doctor and I've not been well enough to go back. But I hope to go back when I've learned how to control my problems better. I was getting some therapy but it stopped awhile ago as it wasn't working. But my doctor has recently decided to get someone to start helping me again. I think the help will be CBT that I'm going to get. It's only an 8week course and if that doesn't work they will refer me to the long term mental health team. I used to have small goals that I would set myself but stopped as I didn't feel it working but I just think that was my depression talking. I think I will start it up again as it would give me something else to think/concentrate on.

@MaliceInWickedland

Thank you. You've give me some good advice and encouragement. About gradually exposing myself to social situations. I have tried before but it didn't really work. But I think I was going about it all wrong. I would go out by myself and end up being a complete wreck at the end of it and I was pushing myself too quickly into very crowded places. When what I should of really been doing was taking someone with me and taking smaller steps to get use to being out and about with people. And that is something that I'm planing on starting up again once I get my head a bit more sorted out.

And you said maybe get a pet when I'm living alone. Which I think is something that will really help with the loneliness. Especially if I do get a dog. After all they are mans best friend. And like you said with having a dog it will also help me get out the house everyday as dogs need walking. And I think having a pet would also help me get my mind focused on something else.
 
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