Doing it everyone elses way doesn't work

[rocky_oreo]

All through my life I've had people (family/relatives/therapists) telling me that the more times I do something the easier it will become and that I have to force myself in to a situation and it will get easier. From my own experience it doesn't. I have forced myself in to some scary situations without thinking first as usually when I have time to think about it, I end up with all these worries about it. But when I don't think about it beforehand I think it will be easier when I get there but it isn't. Does this make sense lol.

Like for instance when my partners family are camping one weekend they will invite us for a BBQ and there will be approx 10 people there at the BBQ, all talking and eating and having a good time. I tell myself beforehand that everything will be ok, I can do it and I will have a good time. When I get there I feel ok but as soon as we are all sat down in a circle and people start talking, I always feel really uncomfortable and think why did I push myself, I should have stayed at home. I always get really panicky and feel totally overwhelmed and have to get out of the way of them all for a few minutes to calm down (after a silly crying session first which is so embarrasing but I just cant cope with them all) and once I come back I feel a bit better. Then once an hour has passed I get to the point where I feel more relaxed and can handle it better. But its always that first hour where I feel so uncomfortable.

Its different at wedding parties as I am uncomfortable throughout the whole night until we leave. So taking peoples advice and forcing myself to do things doesn't work for me. I don't know what I can do to change it because I always try really hard and as my therapists have told me in the past about telling myself I can do it, it just don't work! I've been to loads of these camping BBQ's so you think I would be used to it by now but it still gets me everytime!

 

[JackOfSpades]

I just mentioned this elsewhere, but have you tried DBT? I agree that just doing something doesn't make it easier. You need a clearer idea or focus to bring to it. A perspective.

 

[rocky_oreo]

What is DBT?

 

[laure15]

Yep, I know the feeling. I tried moving to a different city to start over and hopefully get used to people, but that never happened. Frequently exposing myself to many people drains me of energy and made me feel worse.

 

[truffleshuffle]

What is DBT?

I could be wrong but I think DBT is Dialectical behavior therapy. Anyway What helped me was just getting out and doing things but i know it dosen;t work for everyone because every person is diffren't. You may have to try medication or theripy or some other form to get help.

 

[rocky_oreo]

Thanks truffleshuffle. I've had 2 therapists in the past and they've not helped. Although the 1st one I had I was making a bit of progress with her but then she moved to a different job so I had another one after her who was awful.

 

[truffleshuffle]

Thanks truffleshuffle. I've had 2 therapists in the past and they've not helped. Although the 1st one I had I was making a bit of progress with her but then she moved to a different job so I had another one after her who was awful.

I too had a therapist of a sort I get my medical needs treated at a cherokee indian clinic since I am native american and they offer free counsling but it was just plane bad I am surre there other clinics have better ones mine wass just bad.When I first went they asked me about some of my problmes but after that we never really talked about anything or my problmes or how to try and help fix them. I stopped going after a few sessions.

 

[JackOfSpades]

DBT is dialectical behavior therapy. It's basically a cognitive behavior therapy, with some meditative aspects. It focuses heavily on coping techniques for how to deal with stress and strong overwhelming emotions. I learned about it a year ago but never tried any of it till recently. Even just scratching the surface of it, a couple things have been really useful to me.

 

[rocky_oreo]

Thanks for explaining it. I'm going to have a read up about it online. It sounds interesting because I have been reading just lately about the benefits of meditation when you have stress / anxiety problems

 

[aNOTfox]

Something I've always found is that when I'm forced to go out in public by others it only makes my anxiety worse.
You have to want to conquer your fear. You'll know if your on the right track as you'll feel proud of yourself for pushing yourself.

 

[rocky_oreo]

Something I've always found is that when I'm forced to go out in public by others it only makes my anxiety worse.
You have to want to conquer your fear. You'll know if your on the right track as you'll feel proud of yourself for pushing yourself.

Yes when I'm forced by others it only makes it worse. But when I want to conquer my fear and tell myself I can do it, it still doesn't help. I have made some tiny baby steps with a couple of things in the last couple of years so that makes me feel a bit better...for now

 

[mart22n]

I think you should open up more - what would happen if you tell those people at BBQ that you feel really tense. They'l probably ask "Why?" and then you have the opportunity to open up a bit by explaining. I know it seems embarrassing, but why suffer multiple times from the same sh*t when you can suffer once, thoroughly, and start moving on with your life?

 

[rocky_oreo]

The people I have the BBQ's with already know about my SA, they found out when I first met them. They are supportive and try to include me a lot in social events. They constantly tell me that I'm going to have to get used to them (which I am trying my hardest to do but it's difficult when there are so many all at once, like when there are 2 now, I'm ok, but when there's a bigger group I find it harder) and that the more times I spend with them the easier it will be. A couple of years back I couldn't even handle just 2 of them (I was more comfortable with 1) but now I have no problems with 2 so I'm getting there. I find taking my dog with me helps because he distracts me

 

[crazycatlady27]

i find if i am forced into a situation i am a lot worse, i dont think doing something over and over again can help. i have seen my inlaws a lot and it does not get any easier spending time with them, and as they think i should just snap out of it i tend to avoid them. i tell people about my SA if they ask whats wrong but some people understand some dont and look at you as if you are complete nut job.
i think baby steps is the way forward or the not thinking about it at all and just doing it helps. but forcing yourself into something might make you worse, you could have a really bad time and then decide to avoid it completly in the future.
you have to find a way to do things and do it in your own time

 

[OceanMist]

Yep, I know the feeling. I tried moving to a different city to start over and hopefully get used to people, but that never happened. Frequently exposing myself to many people drains me of energy and made me feel worse.

I thought this post was outstanding because it elaborates on a notion that most of society has. They think that if someone who's shy makes a drastic change that doesn't involve actually changing themselves will get rid of shyness.

The big notion is the "moving notion." This one is classic.

I remember having a bad problem with depression, so bad that I was thinking of suicide and my friend's solution was to "move to California or something." I had to explain to him that I've lived in different places before and had shyness issues at every place I've lived.

The thing is, society will always be society. Fitting in always involves talking. Shyness won't just disappear while traveling. We bring our bodies wherever we go, and shyness is inside of us and comes with us wherever we go.

 

[OceanMist]

All through my life I've had people (family/relatives/therapists) telling me that the more times I do something the easier it will become and that I have to force myself in to a situation and it will get easier. From my own experience it doesn't. I have forced myself in to some scary situations without thinking first as usually when I have time to think about it, I end up with all these worries about it. But when I don't think about it beforehand I think it will be easier when I get there but it isn't. Does this make sense lol.

Like for instance when my partners family are camping one weekend they will invite us for a BBQ and there will be approx 10 people there at the BBQ, all talking and eating and having a good time. I tell myself beforehand that everything will be ok, I can do it and I will have a good time. When I get there I feel ok but as soon as we are all sat down in a circle and people start talking, I always feel really uncomfortable and think why did I push myself, I should have stayed at home. I always get really panicky and feel totally overwhelmed and have to get out of the way of them all for a few minutes to calm down (after a silly crying session first which is so embarrasing but I just cant cope with them all) and once I come back I feel a bit better. Then once an hour has passed I get to the point where I feel more relaxed and can handle it better. But its always that first hour where I feel so uncomfortable.

Its different at wedding parties as I am uncomfortable throughout the whole night until we leave. So taking peoples advice and forcing myself to do things doesn't work for me. I don't know what I can do to change it because I always try really hard and as my therapists have told me in the past about telling myself I can do it, it just don't work! I've been to loads of these camping BBQ's so you think I would be used to it by now but it still gets me everytime!

Yes, that does make sense. It's because many of us on this site are just shy and it's who we are. No matter what those people do, these particular people will always be uncomfortable in certain social situations.


It's an ingrained personality trait.

I know what I'm saying sounds depressing, but at least I'm being honest. People will try to give you this exposure therapy stuff that can help but as you said, some things will never get better. It's something that we must learn to live with and find a way to enjoy ourselves in some kind of way.

My advice is to stop doing those kind of events and search for things that make you happy. I would recommend just one-on-one hang out sessions if you can pull that off. Less people=less anxiety for many shy people is what I've learned.

 

[truffleshuffle]

Yes when I'm forced by others it only makes it worse. But when I want to conquer my fear and tell myself I can do it, it still doesn't help. I have made some tiny baby steps with a couple of things in the last couple of years so that makes me feel a bit better...for now

On occasions When someone forces me to do something I sometimes actualy have fun . Sometimes getting out our own heads and just going with with the flo and not thinking about it can really help. The hard part is not thinking about it though. Maybe doing it with a friend or partner that you are comfortable with will help you