Does anyone feel like me?

[anomicdeer]

Well I can relate.

For me, with food, I just hate eating food that someone else cooked. Because they simply can't wash their hands.
Even if they did I probably wouldn't.
I rather eat fast food that some one could have drop on the floor, but I wouldn't know that.
I would rather starve but be more pissed when there really isn't anything to eat.
I don't want to be around anymore. I dont want to see anyone. I don't want
anyone to see me.
I don't want to hear anyone or speak to anymore. I don't want them to hear me either.
Only with music or tv or some other audio.
But no one in person.
I hate that I don't have a job to get my own computer and have to deal
with people being around me while I'm on the computer and when they turn on the tv
or are even just... in the same level of the house.
I don't have my own room... I can't be alone ever.
I want to go away.. alone. but I NEED the internet.
So I don't go anywhere. But then its too hot to go anywhere.

I feel that my life is going nowhere.
I don't think I can have friends anymore
I can't communicate but for some reason I like learning language. (I AM a fukd up person).
I don't think I can be a good gf but yet I found someone that I THINK I can "live with".
I don't know why I did that to myself, but maybe it's because I DO want to try to live and be happy.
I don't want to ignore myself and sometimes I actually feel right when I'm sad.
but I do want to be happy.

 

[Feathers]

Hm, anomic, I can relate to what you wrote too..
I don't think I'd be a good gf/partner/wife at the time, maybe it depends on who you are with though...?

It sounds a little bit like OCD and internet addiction? (I have some of it too..) Also, ADD/ADHD forums have a concept of 'hyperfocus' - not sure if you are ADD-ish, I am a bit (not officially diagnosed or anything though) and they say when you're 'hyperfocused' eg on computer games or such, it can be really difficult to break the concentration and focus on something else.. Not sure if this is true or if it's just another name for what happens..?

I go online cause I am annoyed/distracted/triggered by family or such, or want to search for somthing helpful, and then end up on the forums etc /sigh/ It really relaxes me, don't know if it's healthy though..

For anyone contemplating suicide - please know it gets better and quite probably you'd be missing many wonderful things this way!!
I was contemplating s. at the age of 16, and thought 'nobody loves me, I have no real friends...' but a few years later I had a boyfriend and real friends, so duh?? I'd miss all that otherwise..

Scared2Live sorry I didn't know you were a girl!! And a cute one too, if that's you in the avatar! Wishing you things would get better soon!!

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

I've got most of them symptoms.. Struggling like hell to get a job is the worse. You could try downloading some trial programs like word and excel and applying for jobs that involve data entry or something. Got yourself a quiet little cubicle, I know stereotypes love to make fun of the oh famous "cubicle job", but its still a job.

Trust me though, your not alone, in fact your better off then me, I'm 26 and dealing with most of them problems. Your still a young 21 yr old. Taking so many different medications might conflict with one another to causing symptoms tat don't need to be there also. I can't say for certain though, as the only medicine I've ever been on was Ritalin when I was a child.

so what is data entry? ..where do you find these jobs? do you need experiance? sorry lots of questions heh