Do you think I should move?

[whippy]

I thought this would be a good place to ask for some advice on something that's really troubling me lately.

My situation currently:
I'm living with an online friend, his mate, and another roomate, and two dogs all in the same house. I talked to them a bunch when I first moved here 5 months ago, but found myself getting extremely nervous when they would have their friends over to play a homemade game. The anxiety's gotten so bad that I've stayed in my room for up to 12 hours, waiting until they leave or I fall asleep from exhaustion. I'm expected to pay a small amount of rent from making art for people online but I spend most of my time and energy just trying to get rid of the tension. I also get anxious going to the kitchen with them around, but I started to teach myself how to cook, and that gave me something better to focus on and it helped a lot with that. It's been 5 months and I've rarely left the house. They rarely leave ether and mostly stay in the living room on their computers which...leaves me feeling like a basket case. They also sleep different schedules, so basically I'm never alone and there's always one person awake. I can drive, but have no car currently.

My past:
I've lived with family a good chunk of my life (up until 9 months ago). My mom is the only person that's really understanding with me. I barely get along with my step father though. I used to live with them up until about 3 years ago. While I lived there, I produced a ton of art and wasn't really anxious at all since I had my own living space there (separate from their house). The worst thing about it was that it's a bit isolated (20 minutes by car to get to town).

The thing:
I've been a bit afraid to call my mom or anybody really. I made the choice to move here on my own and I hate admitting that I'm so miserable to her. Unfortunately, she got so worried about me that she started calling around this area to see if I was in the hospital or dead and finally managed to get my roomate's number and called him one night when I was in the middle of having an anxiety attack (everybody was over here playing a game). He hands me the phone, and all I could do was talk in this cold robotic sounding voice to her. She offered to come pick me up but, I declined, saying that I'd be alright and such. Ahhh....ever since that hellish day....I've been thinking more and more about moving back with my parents. It feels like a terrible defeat.....but compared to how I've been feeling here...I'm not so sure about that.

What do you guys think I should do? Stay here and tough it out or move back with my parents? I know both of these aren't gonna be easy.

 

[Aussie_Lad]

It sounds like your mum cares for you, and there is no shame in going back to live with them. Few people make perfect choices all their life, and sometimes you will have to return somewhere that you have been before. There is nothing worse than living in a toxic environment as you are probably aware, so it sounds like moving back home could be a good idea.

 

[BleedTheFreak]

My first thought (which is probably what I'd end up doing) would be to move back home. Your pride might take a hit but what's important is that you'd be in a comfortable, healthy environment. On the other hand, it doesn't sound like there's a particularly bad atmosphere in your apartment, only that you get anxious around your roommates and their friends. I'm no one to give advice on how to feel more comfortable with people, but if they're decent people who understand what you're going through maybe it's worth it to stick it out and see if anything changes. But if it's too overwhelming then moving home is defiitely the best thing to do. I have first-hand experience in living in constant fear, discomfort, and having to walk on eggshells all the time. It's no way to live.

 

[maiato]

I experience that all days of my life from 2 years or so and i can imagine how hard it is!! Just the sound of a door open can cause me panick. However I do know that just happens when my anxiety is on top!! Sometimes when i confront my deepest fears is when i get feel better. Yesterday for example I notice my housemate was already in the kitchen cooking and I tought just let him finish and go to the room. However I just got out of the from decided to make my dinner with him or not. I got him on the middle way from kitchen to is room to eat and surprisingly he just said "I was eating alone but now I make u some company". I confess is much better having someone to dinner with u than just be by yourself eating alone (if it wasnt all the anxiety).

Moral of the history. We got on a nice conversation during more than half hour without almost no anxiety. Mainly some small talk but was enough to lift my mood for the end of the day. Started getting calls from 2 friends and made more 2 myself. It's strange but when we start feeling without anxiety it seems all things start running well in a second.

Of corse this dont happens all the days all the time. I still have lots of panic moments. I do no that if i start running away from the situations my anxiety will drop for awhile but then i will be persecuted with the toughts of doing so!!

From all the time i've been sharing my flat I learn somethings that my contribute to help u with your anxiety. There goes some list:

- Spend less time at home. Find a library or a nice coffee to work. (This will give u the sensation of acomplish something during the day and like your housemates u've some life out of home.)

- Get some own sleep schedule. (Make it a routine, u will need to reload your batteries for the day it comes. For along time I gave no importance to this factor. But believe me that will make a great difference in the way u feel next day. More than that It will turn u more assertive toward others. And better, after somedays, u wont be giving with yourself thinking what might others be thinking what u're doing on your room. Unconsciously for them u are sleeping, wheter or not).

- Reserve a time of the day/week to them. (This will be give u the sensation that u're not out of the context at the house. I normally choose the dinner hour cause I do have to eat and will always find him there. Let him start the conversation during the time u're cooking. I noticed that people loves to talk about. Probably they will spend the time talking about them...and then u go along in the conversation "here and there". Plus this try to participate in some weekend activity. Like going all to a bar, cinema, make some shop. U wont need to go all the time. Make it once or twice. It will be enough.)

- Say Hello when someone gets home. (This may be the hard task but u will feel much better after and then u can back to your work/room. U dont need to use the sentence "Hello everybody!"...cause u my find yourself without lots to say after. Make it natural, just to they know u're around and not avoid them. U can just go to the kitchen get some lunch and talk for 2-5min. U dont need to be talking all day long. U've the dinner to do that...and u are working)

- Be assertive. (Say NO and say YES when u feel it so. And dont even hesitate. If u are not on mood just say it so. If u start notice around not all people are on mood to everything and they say it when they arent. Make it same sometimes too. They will start to knowing u better and feel more respect. Actually u have attitude!)

Well this are just some things I just remembered. Know is easier to say than to do it, but works for me most of the time. So I really believe than can help u too!

So my answer to u're question is to try to stay there for long as possible. HOWEVER if u dont seem to drop your anxiety just get home. i know that can be painfull and worst it might make u feel more anxious in long time. Just dont feel like a looser. At least u tried. And I'm sure your mother will be happy to have u back home

Wish u all the luck to go trough with what u're living!

 

[whippy]

Aussie_Lad:
Yeah, it is a lot to deal with sometimes, usually "game night" is the worst. Thankfully those are only once a week. But there are other things going on there that I consider to be...kinda abnormal in a way.

BleedTheFreak:
I wouldn't say it's a bad place. I think that I just tend to notice things a lot of the time that make me wonder. The one online friend that suggested I could stay here I barely am able talk to now that I'm here "in real life". He works nights alone at his job, and coming home in the morning, I'm usually up to see him. During this time I'm rather starved for somebody to talk to but unfortunately he's rather stubborn about his "time alone" in the morning...which doesn't make sense to me really. Today he told me he was going to go shower and he's been in his room for over 2 hours now, which...eh..I interpret as avoiding me. Ironically it seems like the person I thought I was closest to is now the furtherest away and the person I thought was most distant is now a bit closer. It's rather crummy having 3 people be the sum of social interaction for a person. Moving back with my folks would mean it would be just me and them, knowing nobody else in that place ethier, although I should still have internet there, and wouldn't have to worry about rent or privacy. I'll stick it out for now and see if I can make this livable emotionally.

maiato:
I went through the same thing with doors, actually jumped in my chair once upon hearing a slam! That's a nice story about your roomate going out of his way like that just to keep you company. I do like your advice, I just wish I had a car to get into town to actually go to a library or anywhere. Hmm...as for reserving a time to them, I've found that it is easy to talk to them while I'm cooking or eating, usually I'll ask about a show they're watching or talk about some of the characters, it's often rather pleasant. Unfortunately they never seem to leave the house except for work so that cuts out a lot of extra activity. I went to the store with them once or twice though, it was rather odd being outside with them for once, but good at the same time (that was about 2 months ago i think). I can say hello to at least one roomate when he gets home, but the other is always here, and the 3rd one is usually very private and keeps to himself when getting back. I will try to talk about how I feel about things with them more though. As it is, I'm trying to stick it out for now and I notice that my anxiety only happens it oddball situations with that one roomate or their friends being over, but not the other two. So at least I know what causes it mostly.

 

[dottie]

why choose to live in a situation that makes you miserable? it's like you're trying to cram a puzzle piece in a space that doesn't fit. it makes no sense. life is short. find a living situation where you are comfortable.

 

[Feathers]

Can you find another place to live?

(There are more than 2 places to live on Earth, no?)

If you can afford it financially, can you take a break and travel for a while, or just go on a short trip? (And be in a hostel for a few days?) Do you have a friend or relative you could visit, or go for a trip together with?
Maybe it could help get you some distance from the whole situation.

I think it's better to not live with addicts of any kind, even if it's from games/internet... (?) These guys do sound addicted somewhat... (?) Maybe I'm totally misinterpreting it, I just read it quickly: they just work, sleep, or play the game??

If you choose to stay or find a new flat with other people to live in, maiato has good tips! Can you also get a place to make art in elsewhere maybe? (Maybe with a sofa?) Do you have any artsy friends to hang out with OUTSIDE the flat? Could you find some? It sounds to me like you've been trying to be friends with the online guy and he's too overwhelmed with other things maybe? Work can be quite tiring too.. And people who work outside of home may not have a clue about creative processes and space peace & time for that needed!! Can you get company of some other creative guys to talk to monthly or weekly at least? There may be some scholarships/grants/residency programs for artists too...?
Or maybe just visit museums/galleries etc or go on guided tours there? You might meet some nice people there too, even if some of them may be tourists.. some may stay more long-term too.. and might be looking for flatmates etc too? (though try to be on the same page about what you both expect)