Do you think i have a personality disorder?

[mushroomface]

This might be kinda long, sorry.
So when i was about 10 my mother abandoned me to go to live in a different country with this guy, she said she was going away for a break and would be back in a couple of weeks. She did come back but only to collect the rest of her stuff. now my childhood was kinda harsh on me, i saw my mother try to commit suicide when i was 8. i actually sat in the room with her watching my dad putting his fingers down her throat.

She was/is an alcoholic and every-time i would come home from primary school i would be so happy to see her hoping that she was up out of bed, but most of the time she would be lying in bed hungover with a drink by her. Her mother, father and sister were also alcoholics. The divorce took several years and was very tough on me, we had to sell our house just because my mother wanted half of the money. Ever since then me and my family have been moving from house to house from the council. my mother has had two kids and has re-married and i havent seen her or spoke for 10 years.

i still cant get over being abandoned, which is why i think and know that i have abandonment issues. Throughout my teenage years i have been very depressed and have recently been diagnosed as serve-moderate depression. When i was a teenager i was always getting in trouble at school, getting excluded and detention blah blah. i used to somewhat believe to myself that i was dating johnny depp, i used to lay next to a cutout of him on my bed and talk to him, and he would talk back in my mind. my friends used to bully me and that got me down and angry, i smoked weed everyday and drank alot . my emotions are all over the place and i go from being happy then being sad and then eventually go numb. i change how i look a lot as i feel i have different sides to me and by dressing certain ways express what mood im in. i have really bad trust issues i find it hard to trust a lot of people after my mother left me.

Several years later i had my first love! it was great i fell in love so quickly and i felt comfortable. around this time i got addicted to the drug mephedrone, i would do it for days and not eat or sleep. a few months into my relationship it started to go rocky and he never wanted to have sex with me much. i became extremely clingy and would always need him to reassure me that he still loved me and that he wasn't cheating on me. we would fight all the time and he would become really aggressive and through me on the bed and pin down my hands whilst shouting at me and once i was standing at the wall he punched the wall a few inches away from me. He would be quick to apologize and i would always accept that as i didnt want him to leave me as he was the best thing that ever happened to me. i then found out by looking through his phone that he joined a dating site and was talking to women. i told him what is this and he said its nothing i was not thinking straight. i forgave him but since then i never really trusted him. everything he would go out i would think he is with a girl and cheating on me. i broke up with him many times as i thought he was going to break up with me so i wanted to get there first so it felt like i wasnt the one hurting. i would always be like please dont leave me i didnt mean it i need you. one day i would love him then the next i would really hate him and not want to be with him.

After breaking up loads of times he finally broke up with me for real and it brought back loads of horrible memories, its been a year since we broke up and im still crying all the time. when i think about him or see a picture i burst out crying. i cant talk about him or say certain memories without bursting into tears. i dont know if i have PTS, i have SA, depression and panic attacks. one day i will feel normal but the next ill feel like i dont know how i am and i dont feel comfortable in my own skin and just feel completely empty. i am totally paranoid, i overact to everything, if my mates say a comment to me i get really angry and wont talk to them and i really sensitive. i live in a fantasy world and sometimes cant remember what is real and whats not (as i like to make up stories in my head to escape).

i have an imaginary friend that i made up to comfort me when im in social situations and i talk to him about stuff. i dont think this is anything serious i just think hes is there to support me. i need to tell my therapist about him though.
thats everything i can think of atm, please tell me if i have some sort of personality disorder.
Thanks

 

[Gaucho]

mmm, i don't know what advice to give you to be honest, but i feel sorry that you had so many hard times in life. what i read in this post about your mother is really sad.
Maybe with the experience of your mother that she never was there for you, you were so afraid to lose a person you love again(your boyfriend), so you forgived him of whatever he did.
in another post of you i read that you go to therapy,what is a really good thing. i wish you do better soon.

 

[Silatuyok]

You sound a lot like an earlier version of me (minus the drugs). How old are you? I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and you certainly seem to exhibit some of the traits, especially abandonment issues, self-damaging impulses, unstable relationships, emotional instability, etc. The only things you didn't mention is self-mutilating behaviors (bruising, cutting, burning, etc.) and irrational anger. Are these a problem for you as well?

I have pasted the criteria for BPD below, if you are not already familiar with it. I know what you're going through is really scary, but there is definitely hope for people like us. I still struggle with irrational anger, but I have conquered nearly every other aspect of my BPD. I'm 28 now and it often subsides with age. Also, I am beginning Dialectic Behavioral Therapy soon, which is supposed to be very helpful for borderlines.

If you want to PM me to talk about it more, feel free to do so.


BPD Criteria:

1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

3.Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self

4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

6.Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness

8.Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

9.Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms

 

[MollyBeGood]

Hi
Nobody is supposed to give diagnosis on this website, since none of us are trained in the area professionally. So it would be mentioned that you should see a therapist by a moderator here for sure, which is good advice.

I think you should really try to get yourself into therapy. Talking to a trained professional will really help you a lot since you seem to have no one else at the moment and you have drug and alcohol issues since you suffered from all that