warning: rant ahead
Yes I do. In fact, today the feelings were particularly strong. Relatives and enemies bring out the worst in me. All my pent-up feelings resurfaced along with past grudges. It's like that movie "I know what you did last summer".
I was forced to ride in a van with relatives, 2 of them were my cousins. They must have not recognized me at first, or probably forgot about me since we haven't seen each other for so long, but I knew who they were. As soon as I saw them, I made a bad face. At first, they were so sweet and said "hi" at their mother's request. I also said hi but then mumbled quickly under my breath, "I don't really wanna say hi..." I half wanted them to hear it but also half hope they didn't hear it. My aunt and my mom were encouraging us to "talk to each other" but I refused. Then my mom said I was shy so I told her, that's not it. The rest of the car ride was kinda awkward. I tried not to make direct eye contact with those cousins. I only spoke to my aunt and mom.
I still remember what they did in the past. They and another cousin gang up together to avoid me. When I met them, they say mean things behind my back. That other cousin, Laura, was actually the worst of them 3. Laura is the ringleader, a spoiled brat. She would urge them to ignore me, avoid me, say that I'm "stupid", etc. I didn't like her, and still don't. Laura is also very territorial. I hear her say things like, "So and so stole try to steal my friend, so I told my friend to stop speaking with so and so..." As if she has control over who her friend interacts with. Laura showed her territorial attitude in front of me, so I was like, "ok, fine you can have your friends/cousins. I ain't gonna steal them from you."
Since those 2 cousins are very paly pals with Laura, and they don't seem to like me either, I ignored them for the most part. I didn't talk to them during the car ride unless I really have to, didn't give them eye contact, tried to get away from them, etc. One time, I even opened the van door without closing it - I let them do it. I treated them like they're invisible. I mostly spoke with their mom. It's my way of saying, "I know you don't like me, so I'm just I don't like you too."
At several points, I heard my cousins call me "stupid", "stupid girl", "don't look at her", "b*tch". Finally, they got the clue. Hooray! I wasn't hurt, actually, when I heard them expressing their dislike for me. I was actually kinda happy, in a weird way, because I want them to know that I don't like them. Just saying, I'm not as stupid as I look.
I also gave the same treatment to the older aunt and cousin that I met at the auto shop. I totally ignored the older cousin, and didn't speak much to the older aunt. I gave them the silent treatment. It's my way of saying, "I don't like you. Leave me alone. Don't come again." I didn't attend my cousin's wedding last Sunday, for the very same reason - because I don't like her.
Today for the most part, I was able to control my feelings. But if I met Laura, I think I would have exploded somehow. Like maybe confront her head on and directly express my dislike for her.
My cousin got tired of me and decided to switch seats with my aunt, so my aunt sat next to me. That's a good change. I could tell my cousins desperately want us out of their van. We're not welcome. But my cousins are only being nice because of my aunt telling them to be. Those pretty little liars. It feels so fake.
I knew my cousins were dissing us for being "stupid". At one point, I called my mom to talk about something and I heard them laugh for a short moment. The phone call was on speaker. So I intentionally switched language so they couldn't understand what I'm saying. I could tell it came as a surprise to them, kinda pissed them off maybe, but I could care less.
To sum it all up, today I fought fire with fire. I was rude to my relatives, sometimes completely silent, to avenge what they did to me in the past. Because they hurt my feelings years ago, I decided to hurt theirs too. I am tired of being the joke, with people calling me stupid behind my back. Just for once, I want to tell them, "I know you guys don't like me, I know what you've been saying behind my back, and I don't appreciate it." Being rude is my way of saying this. Not closing the car door, and ignoring, are also some ways I come across being rude. I guess I want them to hurt like they hurt me in the past.
When I drove back home, I felt a sense of victory, but I also didn't feel satisfied. Maybe I didn't do enough to piss them off. I was imagining all sorts of confrontation scenarios in which I blow up in front of those relatives, anger them, and make sure they know I don't like them. It felt like road rage. I was driving angry and imagining being angry and just blowing off steam. Almost lost control of the wheel, thank God I didn't.
Wow, I was really triggered today. I almost cried at certain times. I was livid with anger at other times. So many emotions. I feel like a bad person, like I've sunk so low. Let's hope I can avoid such scenarios in the future.
Yes I do. In fact, today the feelings were particularly strong. Relatives and enemies bring out the worst in me. All my pent-up feelings resurfaced along with past grudges. It's like that movie "I know what you did last summer".
I was forced to ride in a van with relatives, 2 of them were my cousins. They must have not recognized me at first, or probably forgot about me since we haven't seen each other for so long, but I knew who they were. As soon as I saw them, I made a bad face. At first, they were so sweet and said "hi" at their mother's request. I also said hi but then mumbled quickly under my breath, "I don't really wanna say hi..." I half wanted them to hear it but also half hope they didn't hear it. My aunt and my mom were encouraging us to "talk to each other" but I refused. Then my mom said I was shy so I told her, that's not it. The rest of the car ride was kinda awkward. I tried not to make direct eye contact with those cousins. I only spoke to my aunt and mom.
I still remember what they did in the past. They and another cousin gang up together to avoid me. When I met them, they say mean things behind my back. That other cousin, Laura, was actually the worst of them 3. Laura is the ringleader, a spoiled brat. She would urge them to ignore me, avoid me, say that I'm "stupid", etc. I didn't like her, and still don't. Laura is also very territorial. I hear her say things like, "So and so stole try to steal my friend, so I told my friend to stop speaking with so and so..." As if she has control over who her friend interacts with. Laura showed her territorial attitude in front of me, so I was like, "ok, fine you can have your friends/cousins. I ain't gonna steal them from you."
Since those 2 cousins are very paly pals with Laura, and they don't seem to like me either, I ignored them for the most part. I didn't talk to them during the car ride unless I really have to, didn't give them eye contact, tried to get away from them, etc. One time, I even opened the van door without closing it - I let them do it. I treated them like they're invisible. I mostly spoke with their mom. It's my way of saying, "I know you don't like me, so I'm just I don't like you too."
At several points, I heard my cousins call me "stupid", "stupid girl", "don't look at her", "b*tch". Finally, they got the clue. Hooray! I wasn't hurt, actually, when I heard them expressing their dislike for me. I was actually kinda happy, in a weird way, because I want them to know that I don't like them. Just saying, I'm not as stupid as I look.
I also gave the same treatment to the older aunt and cousin that I met at the auto shop. I totally ignored the older cousin, and didn't speak much to the older aunt. I gave them the silent treatment. It's my way of saying, "I don't like you. Leave me alone. Don't come again." I didn't attend my cousin's wedding last Sunday, for the very same reason - because I don't like her.
Today for the most part, I was able to control my feelings. But if I met Laura, I think I would have exploded somehow. Like maybe confront her head on and directly express my dislike for her.
My cousin got tired of me and decided to switch seats with my aunt, so my aunt sat next to me. That's a good change. I could tell my cousins desperately want us out of their van. We're not welcome. But my cousins are only being nice because of my aunt telling them to be. Those pretty little liars. It feels so fake.
I knew my cousins were dissing us for being "stupid". At one point, I called my mom to talk about something and I heard them laugh for a short moment. The phone call was on speaker. So I intentionally switched language so they couldn't understand what I'm saying. I could tell it came as a surprise to them, kinda pissed them off maybe, but I could care less.
To sum it all up, today I fought fire with fire. I was rude to my relatives, sometimes completely silent, to avenge what they did to me in the past. Because they hurt my feelings years ago, I decided to hurt theirs too. I am tired of being the joke, with people calling me stupid behind my back. Just for once, I want to tell them, "I know you guys don't like me, I know what you've been saying behind my back, and I don't appreciate it." Being rude is my way of saying this. Not closing the car door, and ignoring, are also some ways I come across being rude. I guess I want them to hurt like they hurt me in the past.
When I drove back home, I felt a sense of victory, but I also didn't feel satisfied. Maybe I didn't do enough to piss them off. I was imagining all sorts of confrontation scenarios in which I blow up in front of those relatives, anger them, and make sure they know I don't like them. It felt like road rage. I was driving angry and imagining being angry and just blowing off steam. Almost lost control of the wheel, thank God I didn't.
Wow, I was really triggered today. I almost cried at certain times. I was livid with anger at other times. So many emotions. I feel like a bad person, like I've sunk so low. Let's hope I can avoid such scenarios in the future.
