Despondent over negative shopping experiences

[lonerism]

Hi,

Anyone else have the problem of constantly being treated/regarded as a (potential) shoplifter whenever you go into a store? I have had this problem for years, and it has taken a definite emotional toll. I think it's unfair, to say the least, of always being treated this way when I have never shoplifted. I am as honest a shopper as there is, so it kills me to be the recipient of this degrading treatment.

The problem has gotten to the point where I absolutely dread shopping - I avoid it as much as possible (this includes grocery shopping). As if I weren't already enough of a hermit because of my debilitating anxiety and depression - my miserable store experiences have added to my strong inclination to stay housebound. It's pretty sad in a variety of ways - since, in the distant past, I found shopping to be a therapeutic escape (it was something I could do alone, with minimal social interaction; even though I was out in the public, I could remain in my introverted, private world as I shopped). Now, I have developed a full-blown phobia of shopping - thanks to paranoid store employees who, for whatever reason, mistake me for a thief.

Every time I enter a store, I dread the inevitable moment when I will notice something that tips me off that I am under suspicion. I often feel singled out - i.e. - if there are 20 people in an area, I'm somehow the one whom they pick to watch more closely. Part of it may be that I've just become a lot more sensitized to the cues (which can be pretty "undercover") than the average person - but I rarely notice employees "watching" other people...they often seem to bypass other people and focus on me.

Needless to say, this has sharply increased my anxiety whenever I enter a store. In the past, back in the "good 'ol days" when I almost never seemed to face this type of scrutiny, my social anxiety wasn't much of a factor while I shopped (since, as I mentioned above, I could shop with minimal social interaction). But these days, when you have employees who are constantly sizing you up, scrutinizing your body language, and zeroing in on even the smallest signs of awkwardness (which they use to "confirm" their suspicions) - I'm quite "on edge" in stores.

One of the biggest symptoms of my social anxiety is that it causes me a lot of emotional distress whenever I think other people notice my anxiety. So these situations where I know I'm being watched, and where there are people who are primed to pick up on even the slightest signs of any nervousness or "strangness" - are absolutely brutal. I try to hide my anxiety as much as possible - and I really don't think my symptoms are that obvious - but employees who are hypervigilant about spotting "suspicious" people seem to pick up on the smallest betrayal of my struggle. But often, I'm hard-pressed to know exactly why they target me - since my anxiety isn't always detectable.

The examples I could give are endless, but I'll mention a few recent ones:

~I'm in the market for a new computer, and I went into The Sony Store (inside of a mall) to browse different laptops. Within five minutes, I had no less than 5 different employees come up to me to ask me if I needed any help. It was ridiculous - the store wasn't that large, yet all of these employees were coming out of the woodwork to ask me if I needed help (more than one of these 5 people even asked me twice). My understanding of today's "customer service" is such that I know that all of these employees weren't genuniely eager to offer their help - their flooding me with attention was a strategy they employ to make "suspicious" customers feel under the gun. Besides, I picked up on the oddly "observant" vibe of some of these employees.

These days, whenever employees ask me if they "can help me" - I'm very skeptical of the real motives of their attentiveness (especially if it seems that they appeared out of nowhere to ask me this.). In fact, I consider the question an insult, because I know that it's a likely sign that they consider me suspicious. And if several employees approach me with this question within a ridiculously short period of time, all bets are off: I consider it a definite theft-deterrant tactic.

~The other day, I was in Walmart. A few times, I noticed that when I entered an aisle, no employees were present. But within moments of my entering that aisle, employees appeared out of nowhere with a cart of inventory to "stock". It didn't matter that there were sometimes other customers who were already shopping in that aisle - apparently, these other customers weren't "suspicious" enough to require that a theft-deterring employee be present.

~Words cannot describe how maddenly frustrating it is that I've recently noticed this type of "surveillance" in places where you would think would be "safe zones". For example, I was in a store on the 2nd floor of a mall - and I started feeling dizzy, cramped, and fatigued - so I made my way out into the mall to rest on a bench. I sat on a bench where I could see mall vendors on the level below me (the 1st floor), and they could see me. So I was sitting on the bench, trying to rest and minding my own business - when I happened to catch a vendor on the first level staring directly at me. She did not look away when I caught her gaze - she just kept staring at me. Somehow I knew the disturbing reason why she was giving me such a pointed gaze; although I wasn't in a store, wasn't near any merchandise, and was just resting innocently on a mall bench, this employee still considered me suspicious, and she was making sure that I knew that I was seen. Perhaps she suspected that I was sitting on that bench because of some criminal motive ("casing" the mall?), that I was part of some shoplifting "scheme". Perhaps she thought that I was either on my way into a store to steal, or on my way from a store with stolen goods on my person. I was insulted and enraged - I even thought about going down to the 1st floor to make it clear to her that her actions were offensive and based on wrong assumptions. But I knew it would be futile to try to plead my innocence - that I could make things worse by confronting her. (Many employees are trained to think that customers who notice being watched, and are offended by it, are somehow guilty of something.)

I want to stress again that I'm not a shoplifter - or a frustrated, would-be shoplifter - I'm completely innocent of any intent to shoplift. I've just become very sensitive to the various tactics employees use to deal with (potential) shoplifters - I'm a highly sensitive person who has developed a "nose" for noticing when I'm under any type of suspicion.

I'm very upset over this - I just don't think it's right that an innocent person has to deal with this. It's unjustly cruel that something that has caused me so much anguish and debility in my life - my anxiety - is needlessly aggravated and used against me in this manner.

Any advice on how to cope? I mean this is neverending - I can never seem to catch a break when it comes to this. Can anyone relate to this?

 

[IGotSeoul]

I am also very sensitive when it comes to noticing details and general awareness of my surroundings. However, I noticed when mixed with my anxiety, I'll often construct or hypothesize details that don't exist -- usually the false details justify my anxiety until I stop and rationalize.

I've taken notice the more I try to relax, the more unrelaxed I'll appear. The more I try to be myself, the more I stray from the character. There are certain situations where you just have to let your mind relax without consciously trying.

From my own experience, I know the consequence of social deviance and inability to conform to what people feel is normal.

I'll always ask myself these questions when I feel the way you do.

• Was I wearing anything that would draw attention?
• Was my body language abnormal and likely draw attention?
• Was my mind observing the details, or my anxiety?

When answering, I'll try to be as honest as possible with myself. Usually when my mind is clear so I'm able to answer without prejudice against or for myself.

Sometimes I'll notice that my attire probably drew the attention. Sometimes my body language may have been off that day (wandering eyes, trying to be normal, consequently looking abnormal). Sometimes I'll notice that I was being overly sensitive and coming to irrational conclusions about my surroundings.

 

[eckoz]

maybe its because of the way you dress or look? surely there must be something about you that attracts the attention. also. i get this alot when i go into the liquor store near my house to by beer . there is this 1 security gaurd who i think doesnt like me or something because anytime i go into the store he moves into a position so he can watch me then tries to stare me down while im in line at the cashier. tbh it doesnt bother me at all i just find it slightly odd. and on one occassion just stared him dead in the eye when he was tryin to stare me down and eventually he looked away like a pussy. there are also a few times where i get to the store right as this guy is about to spark a smoke for a smoke break or whatever and he stops what hes doing to come back inside and watch me and then goes back outside the second i leave. i actually find it kind of hilarious. the only reason i can really think this happens to me is because of the way i dress. i wear baggy hoodies etc... so i give him the benefit of the doubt and just assume they are supposed to pay attention to people that dress like me or whatever. either way it doesnt bother me at all. though the way this 1 guy goes out of his way to watch me every time i almost think is a some type of personal dislike or something towards me. he sees me in there multiple times per week(no im not an alchoholic) for like the last 2 years and knows that i just buy the same beer every time and leave and have never stolen anything or even did anything shady but he still hounds me . oh well i just laugh about it

 

[kihira]

Welcome, lonerism

Yeah, I can remember someone who would always go out of their way to watch me if I went near the sunglasses rack - makes you feel really uncomfortable, but they probably do that to everyone.

For your situations I would suggest taking a step back and considering if in some cases you may be misinterpreting what's happening. Much of what you describe sounds like routine shop stuff to me.

In the end you are not doing anything wrong and deserve to shop guilt free, so if people are being over vigilant let it be their problem, not yours.

 

[misternobody]

Hi lonerism,
You and I are mirror images of each other!!! I get the very same things happen to me when I am at the store!

I go to Walmart often and, What happens to you there is the exact same thing that happens to me!!!! What the heck is it that these workers see in us that always makes them think we are going to rob the store?!!!!!
This upsets me and depresses me very much!

I am always alone, have no friends and, its a sad depressing life I have. All I enjoy in my life are DVD movies and, so, at Walmart I like to look at what is there and,when there is a DVD I want, I have to look for the very "Virgin" copy as I have OCD and have to have the DVD that is totally clean of markings and so i have to shine the DVD in the light to see there are no markings and so, I hold 2 copies and if one has markings I have to grab another and see if its free of markings and, so, this of course makes them think I am going to rob them. I too am innocent as you are about being in stores, its just that having real bad SA and being so nervous,I guess I have the look of "ROBBER" and, it really bothers me.

Ok, we cannot go into a store and have a smile on our face as they then will really think we are coo coo or something and so, you have to go into the stores with your regular face and, I guess this regular face has the look of "I am going to steal from your store".

Of course no matter what store we go to, we always prove these jerks wrong, and, its awful how they right away think we are bad and are going to try and rob from them


People always look for the bad always, they never try and see the good in us.

And ok, you mentioned about the "Can I help you?' line that the workers always throw at us and, the way they keep seeming to follow us, and ask again ,you just feel like saying to them "LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE I KNOW WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR AND WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Of course,me being so nervous, I never can say this and, ok, when they ask if I need help I am so nervous I respond nervous, and about choke on my spit.

I just say to them in a nervous way " No I am fine" and they look at me with this look of "I don't trust you" and, ok, so I then move along and, I can feel they are watching me and, I am always right, they are as I will turn around quck, to act like I am seeing something and there is the idiot looking at me.

You know, with these stupid jerks acting this way about us, it makes me feel to just become a full time hermit as its hard enough to go out of my home and, when I get treated as I am when at the stores, I feel to just forget about going anywhere!!

So many times I feel to just die, as whats the point of living when it seems no one trusts me


Well , I just wanted to tell you,, lonerism , that I get the same treatment as you do, so please know you are not alone and I know exactly how you feel all the way.

 

[Angelhawk]

I can understand how you feel, but I think it could just be paranoia.

The thing at the Sony store can be explained by the fact that the salespeople at these places work on commission, so they are eager to make a sale.

Places like Walmart, or just about any store nowadays, have security cameras all over the place, so I don't really think that they need to have store employees, who are supposed to be stocking shelves or whatnot, keeping surveillance on customers.

I'm not trying to make light of your concerns, just trying to put things in perspective. I've felt that sales people or store clerks were eyeballing me, too, but I try not to let it get to me too much. Why let them ruin your day? They aren't important enough for that, eh?

 

[lonerism]

Thanks everyone for the helpful feedback, and thanks for the welcome, phocas.

I am also very sensitive when it comes to noticing details and general awareness of my surroundings. However, I noticed when mixed with my anxiety, I'll often construct or hypothesize details that don't exist -- usually the false details justify my anxiety until I stop and rationalize.

I've taken notice the more I try to relax, the more unrelaxed I'll appear. The more I try to be myself, the more I stray from the character. There are certain situations where you just have to let your mind relax without consciously trying.

From my own experience, I know the consequence of social deviance and inability to conform to what people feel is normal.

I'll always ask myself these questions when I feel the way you do.

• Was I wearing anything that would draw attention?
• Was my body language abnormal and likely draw attention?
• Was my mind observing the details, or my anxiety?

When answering, I'll try to be as honest as possible with myself. Usually when my mind is clear so I'm able to answer without prejudice against or for myself.

Sometimes I'll notice that my attire probably drew the attention. Sometimes my body language may have been off that day (wandering eyes, trying to be normal, consequently looking abnormal). Sometimes I'll notice that I was being overly sensitive and coming to irrational conclusions about my surroundings.

I have thought about some of the possibilities that you brought up in your post. I suppose that with my original post - it may be easy to get the idea that I seldom think about what kinds of "signs" that I could be giving off that would attract suspicion - but there is always that "voice" inside of me (quiet as it may sometimes be, when compared to my rage) that analyzes myself in these situations. It's just that it can be painful to be aware that something that causes me such distress and shame, and something that I desperately prefer to keep as hidden as possible - is detectable by these people. It just increases the pain that my private internal struggles are being misconstrued in such a demeaning, falsely-incriminating manner.

After all, does having this handicap automatically mean that I'm more likely to steal than naturally-calmer, more socially-at-ease people? (At the level that I have social anxiety/anxiety - it is a handicap. I'm on Disability for it.) It does not. My lifelong social anxiety and long-term depression has nothing to do with any intent to steal. It hurts me and enrages me that I am prejudged as more of a "thief" because of something intrinsic that I cannot control.

Yep - I've definitely been in shopping situations in which I've tried to appear as calm and as "normal" as possible - and I have wondered if there is some "unnatural" quality to my efforts that comes across to people who are hypervigilant for anything "suspicious". But, as horribly severe as my anxiety is - I'm doing the best I can. It is basically impossible for me be genuinely relaxed when I know the "watchful" type of shopping environment I'm in. I'm aware of the cameras (I sometimes think, "Is someone watching me on a CCTV screen right now?"). I'm aware of the "loss prevention" people. I'm aware that there are various types of employees who are constantly observing customers. For someone with SA, it can be brutal to enter an environment in which you know that you're being watched, or that you're likely to be watched. The common symptoms of SA include heightened anxiety when being watched by others, and an intense fear/anxiety over having the signs of your anxiety detected by others. This is exactly what happens in stores. So to expect that I would be perfectly relaxed 100% of the time in this type of environment is asking way too much. Not with this disease.

Besides - I've been watched/suspected when I was reasonably sure that my anxiety wasn't noticable. So this often happens no matter what.

As far as how I dress - well, this also could be contributing to the problem. On the other hand, I see so many other customers who are also "dressed down", who aren't well-dressed - that I wonder if this is an issue at all. I'm not the most upscale dresser and I don't have the neatest appearance - but I also don't dress like a "thug" or anything (I say this because people stereotype the "thug", "hip hop" look as being associated with criminal behavior). This is a difficult topic to discuss because appearance is such a relative, subjective thing. What could look o.k. to one person may look "run down" to the next. So I'm unsure exactly how to characterize my appearance. But I'm a case-in-point that physical appearance often has absolutely nothing to do with whether you're going to steal or not - and it would be dangerous or ineffective for employees to single out people whom they think don't look good enough or aren't dressed well enough.

I've seen a few recent news stories in which stores were blindsided by poised, well-dressed people who turned out to be thieves. It seems that employees' guards were brought down by the perpetuators' upscale style-of-dress and so-called "normal" behavior....but these "perfect" customers ended up stealing from them. I can't help but to get some satisfaction out of these news stories - because it just drives home the point that you simply cannot tell who is going to steal based on appearance or even behavior. While employees are busy targeting "frumpy-looking", "odd" people like me - the well-dressed, relaxed, "normal-looking" customers are hitting them up. Nice.

 

[lonerism]

maybe its because of the way you dress or look? surely there must be something about you that attracts the attention. also. i get this alot when i go into the liquor store near my house to by beer . there is this 1 security gaurd who i think doesnt like me or something because anytime i go into the store he moves into a position so he can watch me then tries to stare me down while im in line at the cashier. tbh it doesnt bother me at all i just find it slightly odd. and on one occassion just stared him dead in the eye when he was tryin to stare me down and eventually he looked away like a pussy. there are also a few times where i get to the store right as this guy is about to spark a smoke for a smoke break or whatever and he stops what hes doing to come back inside and watch me and then goes back outside the second i leave. i actually find it kind of hilarious. the only reason i can really think this happens to me is because of the way i dress. i wear baggy hoodies etc... so i give him the benefit of the doubt and just assume they are supposed to pay attention to people that dress like me or whatever. either way it doesnt bother me at all. though the way this 1 guy goes out of his way to watch me every time i almost think is a some type of personal dislike or something towards me. he sees me in there multiple times per week(no im not an alchoholic) for like the last 2 years and knows that i just buy the same beer every time and leave and have never stolen anything or even did anything shady but he still hounds me . oh well i just laugh about it

Kudos for you for not letting that jerk run you off from the store. (I think I would have tried to find another liquor store - sorry, I cannot handle being constantly demeaned based on some false premise.)

I admire the way in which you are able to cope with this - you definitely seem like you don't let it get to you and don't take it personally. However (and I don't mean this in a negative way) - from your post, it seems that this type of thing only happens to you in one store. I'm not trying to degrade your point-of-view in any way - but it might be easier to deal with this treatment if one can think of it as an isolated experience - i.e. if it's only limited to one store, or if it only happens once every blue moon. Do you think you could as easily cope with it if it were happening to you everywhere you shop, almost every time you entered any store?

But yeah - you would think that the security guard would have "gotten it" by now - that you are no threat to steal anything. Whatever is going on with him that he is unwilling or unable to realize this - it is his problem. (I wish I could really internalize this way-of-thinking.)

As far as how I dress or look, I've given alot of thought about that - as I said above, I didn't mean to come across as though I haven't done any self-analysis. I often think these factors come into play - but there are other times when there seems to be absolutely no reason why I'm targeted. Besides - just because I may look a certain way or act a certain way that people may misinterpret as "suspicious" - does it actually justify their making me feel uncomfortable, when I am a perfectly innocent shopper? After all, I suspect that part of the problem may be that employees are overreacting based on certain biases and prejudices - and the bottom line is, that they are wrong about me. And it's not like I'm doing anything that would warrant real suspicion - like furtively looking around at employees and other customers. All I am doing is being myself - which is a depressed and anxious individual who is doing the best she can to function in a world that is not particularly friendly or understanding for people like me. It is they who decide that I'm suspicious, based on some narrow definition of how a "legitimate" customer is supposed to act.

For someone with as severe a problem as I have, body-language is impossible to have under complete control - there is going to be some inevitable moment when I may betray the struggles going on within me. Especially since today's shopping environment is so stressful for a SA sufferer like me - with watchful eyes everywhere and meddlesome employees. And yet - if you or some of the other people in this thread were to observe me in stores - you might be surprised at how "normal" I look considering my debilitating problems. It's not like I'm constantly shaking and trembling - or look as though I'm about to pass out...it's just that I may betray just enough for paranoid, hypervigilant employees to misinterpret. (I think these employees fit the definition of "paranoid" better than I do - after all, they totally misiterpret the smallest of "vibes" I may give off, and make false assumptions.)

 

[lonerism]

Hi lonerism,
You and I are mirror images of each other!!! I get the very same things happen to me when I am at the store!

I go to Walmart often and, What happens to you there is the exact same thing that happens to me!!!! What the heck is it that these workers see in us that always makes them think we are going to rob the store?!!!!!
This upsets me and depresses me very much!

I am always alone, have no friends and, its a sad depressing life I have. All I enjoy in my life are DVD movies and, so, at Walmart I like to look at what is there and,when there is a DVD I want, I have to look for the very "Virgin" copy as I have OCD and have to have the DVD that is totally clean of markings and so i have to shine the DVD in the light to see there are no markings and so, I hold 2 copies and if one has markings I have to grab another and see if its free of markings and, so, this of course makes them think I am going to rob them. I too am innocent as you are about being in stores, its just that having real bad SA and being so nervous,I guess I have the look of "ROBBER" and, it really bothers me.

Ok, we cannot go into a store and have a smile on our face as they then will really think we are coo coo or something and so, you have to go into the stores with your regular face and, I guess this regular face has the look of "I am going to steal from your store".

Of course no matter what store we go to, we always prove these jerks wrong, and, its awful how they right away think we are bad and are going to try and rob from them


People always look for the bad always, they never try and see the good in us.

And ok, you mentioned about the "Can I help you?' line that the workers always throw at us and, the way they keep seeming to follow us, and ask again ,you just feel like saying to them "LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE I KNOW WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR AND WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Of course,me being so nervous, I never can say this and, ok, when they ask if I need help I am so nervous I respond nervous, and about choke on my spit.

I just say to them in a nervous way " No I am fine" and they look at me with this look of "I don't trust you" and, ok, so I then move along and, I can feel they are watching me and, I am always right, they are as I will turn around quck, to act like I am seeing something and there is the idiot looking at me.

You know, with these stupid jerks acting this way about us, it makes me feel to just become a full time hermit as its hard enough to go out of my home and, when I get treated as I am when at the stores, I feel to just forget about going anywhere!!

So many times I feel to just die, as whats the point of living when it seems no one trusts me


Well , I just wanted to tell you,, lonerism , that I get the same treatment as you do, so please know you are not alone and I know exactly how you feel all the way.

Hi Misternobody - I agree with you - it really sounds like we're "soulmates". :: Thanks for the empathy.

I can particularly relate to being irritated and nervous about the employees coming up to us and, in a way that feels too attentive and intrusive for comfort - asking us if we need help. I have always been the type of shopper that have just preferred be left alone unless I have some specific question. Employees should realize that all shoppers don't fit a certain mold where they are flattered to be lavished with attention. Not all shoppers are going to be comfortable interacting with employees - and it has nothing to do with any intent to steal.

And I think knowing that employees are approaching me with unpure intent - not to really help me - but to observe me and evaluate me - makes me more nervous. From a shoplifting standpoint, I have nothing to be nervous about - I'm completely innocent. But the very idea that I'm being put under scrutiny under false pretenses just puts me on edge.

I've experienced the exact same thing you experienced - someone coming up to ask me if I need help, which leads to a lot of anxious thoughts such as, "Oh no - my anxiety is going to be detected." or, "I can't look them in the eye without it looking 'forced' and 'stupid'" or, "Here we go again ". It's led to a self-fulfilling prophesy where the employee reacted oddly to me, like something about me was "off". It's led to them hovering around in the area despite my telling them I didn't need help, or to outright demeaning behavior from them.

I can also relate to having completely innocent shopping characteristics misinterpreted - like with your scrutiny with the DVDs. I'm a big label reader - I can be a health nut and I try to care about the ingredients of things and what I'm putting into my body. I have even read labels of mouthwash, soap and things like that - since the things that you put on your body can be unhealthy as well (your skin can absorb the toxic ingredients). Sometimes it can take me a little long to make up my mind about something because I'm weighing the pros and cons of different ingredients - sometimes it is a matter of picking the lesser of the evils. I've been considered "suspicious" for label-reading and for trying to care about what I put into my body. What an insult when all you're trying to do is be a consciencious shopper, only to be treated like you're trying to steal something.

These days, I've avoided a fair share of potential insults by doing as much shopping as possible online. I've even started to buy certain toiletries online - like mouthwash, soap, toothpaste, etc..

I wish I could tell you something comforting that would allow you to cope with it better - but I'm having trouble coping with it myself. Sometimes I try to tell myself not to let this define me - because it doesn't define me - but it's hard not to let it eat at you.

Sometimes I get satisfaction out of the fact that they were ultimately wasting their time with me. Watching me makes them less effective at their job - it's a big waste of time for them. Every time they concentrate their efforts on people like me - it makes it easier for other, "less suspicious" people to steal.

 

[IGotSeoul]

When you shop, what is of larger priority/focus to you; looking and being perceived as normal (due to your awareness), or the actual shopping?

From my own perspective, experience;

I feel that awareness is perfectly fine, in fact, nice to have. However, as soon as my priority while shopping is not shopping, that's when a problem may occur. That's when awareness starts disrupting and interfering with what I need to do (figuring if it's my main concern, and is ceasing my ability to shop happily and efficiently).

Instead of thinking of what other people are doing, I'll think of what I need to be doing. Which is making sure I don't miss anything on that grocery list.

In a smaller instance, the other day I was at the grand opening of a new world market. This really cute girl caught my eye, and for a moment, she was all I could think of (we were shopping in the same lane). It consumed me for a second because I felt a whole mess of emotions and anxiety, it became my priority for that moment (found myself "fake reading" labels to look normal), until I quickly grabbed what I needed and ran away, contently shopping out of her sight.