Depressed girlfriend

[gustavofring]

Is it good for two depressed people to be together? That's a question I wonder.

I love my girlfriend and it's awful to be so judgemental about her, but she is what you could call depressed. She's unmotivated and totally un-proactive. Loses/forgets stuff a lot. Makes a mess of her room. She is always complaining about her looks (says she's too fat) but never wants to do anything about it if I suggest exercise or healthy eating. She's hooked to the internet and chatting with people online (bunch of cynical idiots who talk about crap all day) and has zero real life friends. No job and is highly against taking one. She doesn't ever want to do anything outside the house. Entire days go by that we sit inside, making me feel numb.

In many ways she is an even worse version of me. And I recognize myself in her of when I was her age (I'm 26 and she's 20). I see my own resistance and bad attitude in her when people told me I should do things differently.

The difference between us, is that I have atleast found the motivation or will to get out of it. But she obviously isn't at that stage. Whenever I try to tell her to do things differently she reacts insulted or annoyed. It's sometimes truly driving me mad and I wonder if it would be better for both of us if we would seperate. She really has huge self-esteem problems.

 

[billfish]

Have you tried sitting down with her and letting her know your feelings?

 

[Hellhound]

Sounds like she needs to get professional help before it gets worse.

 

[Foxface]

Is it good for two depressed people to be together? That's a question I wonder.

A lot of people are different, but I say, that it is good for someone who is depressed to be with someone they love, understands them or something, instead of being alone.

It is also good that you both work together, and help each other and be there for each other. Such as supported each other and trying to motivate each other.

You should do activities, things you enjoy. Go outside, instead of being inside all the time. I'm outside and I enjoy. The more I'm inside, the more my negative thoughts build up and I get depressed.

Always be there for one another and keep each other company. Be there, when they need you and vice versa. Keep active, instead of sitting around the house.

 

[Etbow23]

It sounds like you're at a different maturity level than your girlfriend. It doesn't necessarily have to do with age, but sometimes at the start of a relationship two people have the same maturity level, and one starts to outgrow the other.

The only thing you really can do is talk to her; if that doesn't work you have to seriously think about the relationship and whether you want to go on with it.

As for two depressed people, lol, well it could be a recipe for disaster but then again so could a relationship where one person's depressed and the other doesn't understand why. So it could work, you just need patience.

 

[mikebird]

I may not be a good person to cheer up a miserable person. It takes two. A mega happy, successful smiler with a big ego might not be good for me, in my state. I see this of visiting family and friends when we're patients in hospital. Such happies would make me angry and I try to stay away. Envy?

I tried to comfort a mate at work had a nut allergy with that awful bloated eye / face symptoms. Sitting by his side and asking what I could do? It seemed to annoy him.

My dad is not a person who's possible to cheer up.

I have recently got into my mummy's cleaning up activities, which helps me when my home gets really nice. Ready for people to visit! But that doesn't happen. I only get pots & pans unwashed and unkempt, needing care and clearing up, when I get too busy earning good money in the days, when it's tough getting brek done. 50:50 does not matter for someone living by themselves.

Clearing up is such a great thing to feel good about. ie. when you just get home from hospital

 

[kilojoule]

Can only change yourself

 

[gustavofring]

You should do activities, things you enjoy. Go outside, instead of being inside all the time. I'm outside and I enjoy. The more I'm inside, the more my negative thoughts build up and I get depressed.

Believe me I tried. I just can't get her to get out of the house. I've given up.

I've stayed at her place for about 4 weeks now. She lives in Paris, and there's lots of stuff to do there. Even going to a park or a museum.
But, instead she sits glued to the screen, or in the kitchen, and it's rubbing off on me too. I too grab my laptop and become a shut-in surfing the internet all day.

She has family members who are very critical about her, and I feel this is the cause of her depression. She is basically an emotional timebomb every time I say something about her behavior. Reacting like a teenager.

The thing that keeps this relationship alive is the good moments, but they are becoming more and more scarce. But it seems she is in complete denial about it.

It sounds like you're at a different maturity level than your girlfriend. It doesn't necessarily have to do with age, but sometimes at the start of a relationship two people have the same maturity level, and one starts to outgrow the other.

This is probably the case. She's still very childish in many ways. It's just building up to a breaking point, unless she somehow changes. However I feel like a breakup would completely destroy her self-confidence. Earlier stirrings in the relationship led her to say that she would do things to herself.

 

[zhaich]

This is probably the case. She's still very childish in many ways. It's just building up to a breaking point, unless she somehow changes. However I feel like a breakup would completely destroy her self-confidence. Earlier stirrings in the relationship led her to say that she would do things to herself.

All I can say is that if you do decide to break with her, don't let her make you feel guilty in doing so. An honest discussion is required, and if that is impossible than so is the relationship I believe.

 

[Foxface]

I think she enjoys when you are around. It may not seem like it right now, as she is going through a tough time. She will probably thank you later, when things get better.

 

[Sial Axetder]

Jewel, is right. Attempting to force what you may think is a good idea or will help will often be met with hostility and/or rejection.

Not to say don't try to help. You can help her by ways of suggestions. Maybe you do this already. If that is the situation then change of the vocal tone could be needed; question instead of state, offer instead of dictate.

gustavofring, you're getting better, she is not there yet. It would be tragic if you fell again. You know if you should stay with her or not. If you like her and want to try something before ending it; suggest a place and tell her she is welcome to join you then get ready and go out and about. Do this every time you'd like her with you out of the house. She'll get the idea.

 

[apollo]

I think that it's important you support your girlfriend but it will be up to her to decide to take action. you can't change people, they have to make that conscious decision themselves. Also you shouldn't base your decision to break up with her based on whether or not she will harm herself. That's just not fair for you.

But to answer your question. I think ideally it's ok for two depressed people to be together as long as one doesn't 'drag the other down' or that one doesnt hold grudges over the other. But, realistically, i see it can be very difficult since both will be susceptible to falling into ruts or feeding into eachother's negativity.

 

[Etbow23]

This is probably the case. She's still very childish in many ways. It's just building up to a breaking point, unless she somehow changes. However I feel like a breakup would completely destroy her self-confidence. Earlier stirrings in the relationship led her to say that she would do things to herself.

So are you only staying in the relationship because you're worried whether she will hurt herself? Not saying that that's not completely understandable, because I have felt the same way (and know I have a habit of hurting myself when/if abandoned), but I'm just saying from an outside perspective, that's not a healthy thing to feel trapped in something because you're afraid the other person's going to hurt him/herself if you decide that the relationships run its course.

 

[coyote]

my first wife suffered horribly from anxiety and depression

of course, i didn't understand it at the time - neither did she

all i knew was that being with her got to be a living hell

and i'm sure being with me was no picnic for her either

in the end, my leaving her was probably the best thing for her

after attempting suicide, she was hospitalized

and she finally got the help that neither one of us knew she needed

she's doing much better, and we're friends now

i just wish we both would have had a better understanding of our issues

and were able to find the courage to ask for help before it got so bad

sometimes you just can't fix everything yourself

sometimes you don't even know what's really broken

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

I see a lot of myself in your girlfriend, though I would want to go out and explore (Paris, wow!) Depression really messes up relationships. It is a bad way to be. Staying indoors days at a time is mind-numbing. It is awful. I still do it a lot of the time. I don't know much about your arrangement there, but you two could probably use some time apart; if you can manage it, go out and explore on your own. Space is important. It is difficult for people to admit they need help, and once they do, to ask for it. You do have to take care of yourself first, and like others have said, we can't change other people.

 

[gustavofring]

So are you only staying in the relationship because you're worried whether she will hurt herself?

No. That was a pretty long time ago and I didn't think she was serious about it. But still it was quite disturbing to me that she says that. When I'm not around she says she feels very alone and depressed.

I don't know much about your arrangement there, but you two could probably use some time apart; if you can manage it, go out and explore on your own. Space is important

Yeah I suggested we take some space. I'm here basically on holidays and will go back home soon. It's a long distance relationship...

Thanks for the advice and insights everyone.