Ecclesiastes
Well-known member
I took a public bus home today after work and was at the back of the bus when I fell asleep. I was woken up by loud laughters of some people (note: I was blasting music into my ears with my headphone, that goes to show how loud they really were).
When I opened my eyes, I saw 4 hooligans behaving as though they are monkeys in a zoo. That was when a fear grew inside of me. Because they are of a different race, they speak in a language I don't understand. Well, they were laughing and what not about it and I kept having this thought that they might be laughing at me. For what reasons, Idk.
Then when people started getting off, they started moving nearer and nearer to where I was sitting. The fear in me really grew and I sometimes saw them pointing/looking at my direction.
I figured that I will be alighting before them, that means I'll have to get up and walk past them! I was really going through a panic attack, I was so afraid of them teasing and laughing at me. (Well, basically.. in the past when I was really fat and all, there were a few times when I was getting off the bus and there were such people teasing me and such)
It even got to me that perhaps I'll just sit through till the end or at least until they get off then I'll alight and board another bus back home (.__.)
Well by the time comes I had to alight, it appears that 2 out of the 4 of them were alighting too. It happened that one of them was blocking the way while the other happened to wanted to walk to the walk way and we caught each another in the eye.
Idk what was wrong.. but when that guy looked at me in the eye, I saw fear inside him. He looked as though I might kill or eat him up or something and he took a step back, to let me walk first.
His friend in front of him probably didn't know it was me walking behind him and not his friend, when he turned around and realised it was me, I saw the same fear in his eyes too.
I'm not sure if I had actually brought out a defense mechanism inside of me after so many years of bullying in the past. Very often I've received comments about me looking fierce, scary for not smiling and what not.. when actually I was feeling really neutral.
Idk but I'm thinking maybe this "defense mechanism" inside of me appears each time I feel a sense of insecurity. But I think it's bad, because this might be the reason why I can't make much friends - aside my moodswings and what not :/
When I opened my eyes, I saw 4 hooligans behaving as though they are monkeys in a zoo. That was when a fear grew inside of me. Because they are of a different race, they speak in a language I don't understand. Well, they were laughing and what not about it and I kept having this thought that they might be laughing at me. For what reasons, Idk.
Then when people started getting off, they started moving nearer and nearer to where I was sitting. The fear in me really grew and I sometimes saw them pointing/looking at my direction.
I figured that I will be alighting before them, that means I'll have to get up and walk past them! I was really going through a panic attack, I was so afraid of them teasing and laughing at me. (Well, basically.. in the past when I was really fat and all, there were a few times when I was getting off the bus and there were such people teasing me and such)
It even got to me that perhaps I'll just sit through till the end or at least until they get off then I'll alight and board another bus back home (.__.)
Well by the time comes I had to alight, it appears that 2 out of the 4 of them were alighting too. It happened that one of them was blocking the way while the other happened to wanted to walk to the walk way and we caught each another in the eye.
Idk what was wrong.. but when that guy looked at me in the eye, I saw fear inside him. He looked as though I might kill or eat him up or something and he took a step back, to let me walk first.
His friend in front of him probably didn't know it was me walking behind him and not his friend, when he turned around and realised it was me, I saw the same fear in his eyes too.
I'm not sure if I had actually brought out a defense mechanism inside of me after so many years of bullying in the past. Very often I've received comments about me looking fierce, scary for not smiling and what not.. when actually I was feeling really neutral.
Idk but I'm thinking maybe this "defense mechanism" inside of me appears each time I feel a sense of insecurity. But I think it's bad, because this might be the reason why I can't make much friends - aside my moodswings and what not :/
