Death

[goingcrazy]

It has gotten worse. I just don't want to be here anymore. There is no point. Everything is so repetitive. I feel like I cannot talk to anyone about how I feel, which I guess is why I am writing it here. I don't want my family to know how I feel, and I can't trust telling any of my friends. What if they tell someone else. And they just wouldn't understand. They think suicide is a weakness, and that people who are depressed are weak, because they think you just suddenly 'choose' to be depressed. I don't know what to do, or how to act. The cuts on my legs are too hard to cover up, especially in the summer, because I can't wear a bikini unless I want the cuts to be noticed. Which i do not. And I have to keep smiling, and it is so hard. Waking up in the morning is horrible. My body feels like dead weight. What do I do...?

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Continue what you're doing. Writing (anonymously) how you feel on this forum. I also think about suicide. I joined this site in early December and it has been a godsend. I've learned so much about myself by reading what others have to say about their own struggles. And, I write too, which is very liberating.

If you can see a doctor that would be the best thing to do. Your family and friends are misinformed. They don't understand depression and think you can just snap out of it.....you can't! It takes time (maybe therapy and medication). Try to stay strong and see a doctor or therapist. If not, utilize this site to the fullest. It does help! We're here for you and understand the pain you're going through!

 

[Fin]

What was your trigger for depression? I used to cut myself and have awful reminder scars. How do you feel about going to the doctors? Dont give up, as hard as it is please dont give up.

 

[goingcrazy]

What was your trigger for depression? I used to cut myself and have awful reminder scars. How do you feel about going to the doctors? Dont give up, as hard as it is please dont give up.

That's the thing, I have no idea what triggered it. One day I just started thinking about things. Like for a long time I was 'Christian' but that was only because that was what I was grew up with. Then I realised I didn't actually believe in that, I only thought I did because it was what I had been taught. And after that the questions just kept coming in my mind. Until eventually the main question was, 'why am I even alive?' and now the question just persists... even If I don't want it there. It is like there is a war in my mind that i can never win.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

That's the thing, I have no idea what triggered it. One day I just started thinking about things. Like for a long time I was 'Christian' but that was only because that was what I was grew up with. Then I realised I didn't actually believe in that, I only thought I did because it was what I had been taught. And after that the questions just kept coming in my mind. Until eventually the main question was, 'why am I even alive?' and now the question just persists... even If I don't want it there. It is like there is a war in my mind that i can never win.

I grew up in a very strict Christian environment....But, I no longer really believe in all the teachings. If there's a god, fine. If not, that's fine too. I'm not going to worry about it anymore.

 

[mikebird]

Not mine. Others'

I have an overriding issue in my life that too many people have died during my life.

Princess Diana, Patrick Moore, missing children in the news make no impact on me.

Friends & family disappearing from my timeline haunt me. I never got to speak to these people a few minutes before. It's always too late. The alarm is always lame and weak. I wondered how such events would affect me - just get over it.

Over the years, occasionally there is emotion when I think backwards. Typically a brother 30 years senior who I didn't get to know enough, while in very different locations, and stages of life.

 

[coldhart]

pls dont give up,. life can have meaning .. follow your heart desires..

 

[Fin]

I think this is why im wiccan. I would rather believe in nature something i can actually see than something that is written in a book....... No i do not have a problem with christianity at all, each to their own. In nature everything has a purpose no matter how small an insignificant. Im not going to bang on about going to the doctors that is a decition you make yourself. From experience tho if you ask for a sympathetic doc and explain your depression they can get you on the road to recovery. Its just the initial first appointment. Once its over tho the next one will be easier and so on. Do hope you feel better soon

 

[Valhalla]

You're most likely depressed, and feel like you're having an existential crisis. If you feel that you cannot talk about that in your surroundings, then I would say you should see if you can talk to someone else, mainly a therapist that is. I understand how some thoughts just appear and won't go away, it helps if you can talk about it to someone.

 

[takeheart]

whatever you do, just dont the stupid act of suicide please. its totally unnecessary.

 

[Hellhound]

You're most likely depressed, and feel like you're having an existential crisis. If you feel that you cannot talk about that in your surroundings, then I would say you should see if you can talk to someone else, mainly a therapist that is. I understand how some thoughts just appear and won't go away, it helps if you can talk about it to someone.

I agree. I think seeing a therapist will be the best option. Maybe even have them talk to your relatives to educate them in the matter. I don't know. Just a thought.

 

[laure15]

If you don't trust telling your problems to your friends or family, you can try talking to a counselor. There are free suicide hotlines, some offered by the government - google them. You can remain anonymous and speak of your problems freely.

 

[goingcrazy]

whatever you do, just dont the stupid act of suicide please. its totally unnecessary.

Honestly, this reply is rather thoughtless. While I do appreciate you replying, I don't really like the way you put that. To some people like me, suicide isn't a 'stupid act' and some people do find it necessary. I'm not going to kill myself though, because I don't want to hurt the people around me too.

 

[gummybear22]

you could try ECT if you're feeling suicidal. it's supposed to increase the levels of serotonin in your brain, and is supposed to work in about 48 hours. ECT is electroconvulsive therapy, and the docs give you muscle relaxers so you don't do much more than some twitching, rather than full on flipping out convulsing.