Dating An Emotionally Unavailable Guy!

anxiousmess

Well-known member
#1
Hi All

I've been my boyfriend for almost one year now. He has depression, anxiety, is quite socially awkward as well.

When we first started dating, it was lovely. He would phone, text, take me out on dates and compliment me. He was quite affectionate. We would have sex. It was all perfect.

Once the honeymoon period wore out, I noticed he became distant. I found myself initiating everything but he would respond. We became more like best friends then lovers.

He later admitted to me that he finds relationships difficult especially intimacy and commitment. But his willing to work on things and wants to take things slow.

His always been quite a cold person. Doesn't communicate his needs and makes excuses to prevent confrontation.

I've always noticed as well, when it comes to affection. He pushes me away when I go to hold his hand, or kiss him. He would often show anxiety. I just put it down to his fear with intimacy. To give it time he might come out of it.

I also learnt as he doesn't communicate well. I have learnt to observe his actions, body language and words to understand his communication. Even then, it's been hard.

One month ago, I told him I loved him. He accepted this well and thanked me. I told him his the only man I want to be with. When I went to innate sex, he pushed me away. I was beginning to feel upset. He finally opened up a bit. Stating if I was a fling, he would have sex with me. But as I am into him a lot, having sex together would be much meaningful and therefore he needs time to absorb this before we have sex. He seems set on us eventually having sex but to give it more time.

The following week, he went away on holiday the same week as valentines day. I sent him a text on Valentine's day with a cheesy text. He responded back to it. Then I said I missed him and he didn't reply.

Two days later, we talked on messenger. Again I told him I missed him and he replied he will see me next week. Again I was really upset and asked him why does he keep pushing me away. Why can't he be honest about us? He obviously didn't want to talk about it and told me he was on holiday.

When he got back which was two weeks ago. We got on really well. He came to see a play with me. Although I noticed he appeared really anxious around lots of people. Displaying behaviour that he was feeling socially awkward.

Yesterday during work (we are work colleagues as well dating). I displayed a lot of affection towards him. Offering my scarf for him to wear as we walked into the snow. Buying him an oyster card as his broke. Hugging him and rubbing his arm as he was shivering on the bus. But again, he was trying to move his arm away.

When we sat down together, I went to hold his hand and he moved his hand away. Then sat down anxious.

I started to feel upset and asked him why does he keep pushing me away. As this is becoming an long issue. He said, he doesn't know why he keeps pushing me away. He appeared quite uncomfortable with this conversation and trying to run away. But I was determined to get an answer today.

If I know the fears and the anxiety and the cause of why he feels this way. Then we have something to work on. Then I can avoid certain things. But all he kept saying is - I don't know why I'm like this. I don't mean to push you away. I don't know why I push you away. Claiming he doesn't mean to hurt me. He doesn't know why he does.

I know from one of his previous relationships - his GF went though the same thing. To the point, she decided to end the relationship and maintain being friends. Then she ended the friendship to the point where she cut contact with him.

His previous relationships has been short term or one night stands.

As far as I know - I'm the first girl who has been in love with him and shown deeper intimacy with him.
 
#2
makes excuses to prevent confrontation.
Hi Anxiousmess,

From your post, it sounds like you know him very well. When I read about him, I feel like the answer is there to all your questions, but it might be you don't want to accept them as this is a person you love and want to be with. Or maybe they seem clear to me as I find myself very relatable to your boyfriend.

Take everything I say with a grain of salt, as all I know of him is from what I have just read in your post, but it sounds to me like he doesn't feel the same about you as you do about him. As you say in your title, he's emotionally unavailable. His emotions, including love, are unavailable. At the beginning of the relationship he probably felt optimistic about where things could go, with all the potential for how things could end up going, and how he could one day feel.

As the relationship went on, he may have become more cold and distant because he didn't want you to find out how he really felt. He doesn't want to hurt you I imagine, and I would guess he feels the problem is with him and not at all with you. He just wants to somehow fix whatever is wrong with him and just be happy with you like he feels he should be.

And I think the most telling piece you wrote about him is the bit I quoted, about him making excuses to avoid confrontation. I think his brain is telling him he's being unfair to you by continuing this relationship and is just not in a position to be dating, for whatever the underlying issues he has are. But his avoidance of confrontation and perhaps doubt in his knowing of himself and what's best ("I don't know, I don't know") may be preventing him from being honest with you completely, and instead acting in a way that he knows eventually may lead to you initiating the break-up instead, just as you initiate everything.


Again, I would take all this with a grain of salt -All I know I just read in that post. There is a chance this is more of a case study of myself than an accurate depiction of how your boyfriend feels. But if he anything like me, I don't know if there is anything you can do to make things better, that's really up to him. Maybe a ton of space to let him try to work things out and then get back to you, but it'd be a big sacrifice on your part and I don't think it would be fair to yourself.
 

closethomosape

Well-known member
#3
Yeah I agree with vj288. It seems like he's not emotionally available for you probably because he's not emotionally available for himself. Personally I wouldn't cut contact with him. I'd maintain a friendship and allow him to initiate whenever he felt comfortable. I'd send him texts now and again just so he knows I'm still open. I'd never give up even if he didn't text me for years. Why should I? It's not like I'm spending so much energy on him. I think giving him a chance to initiate would be the best. That's what I would do...in theory.
 
#4
By the time I "thawed" with my last girlfriend she already had one foot out the door.

Affection and closeness can really freak some people out. He probably pushed himself to the limit at the start of the relationship and now he's sliding back into his comfort zone.

Don't take it personally.

The worst thing you can do is pressure him, so as much as it hurts to give him space, try to do it. Give him as much time as you can, then move on if it becomes overwhelming.

He'll freeze you out if you give him too much stimulation.
 

lily

Well-known member
#5
Sorry for your difficult situation in dating this emotionally unavailable guy. He's certainly not the one at least right now if he's not getting better ::(: And you would probably find someone else later, good luck!
 
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