Crawling back to my therapist with my tail between my legs

[Josette]

I basically fired my therapist the week before last. I said I was never coming back. I said after 11 years, she hadn't fixed me, so what was the point. I did, even in the midst of my hysteria, acknowledge that she couldn't fix me. That she couldn't help me if I wouldn't help myself. But still. I was mad at her for not doing more. For not being more aggressive, pushing me harder.

So I left and was upset the rest of the week. Crashing hard. Crying jags every day. Cut myself (first time ever...didn't really do anything for me), starved myself for 2 days (don't know what the point of that was) thought a lot about suicide (found this site while researching it actually). And over the weekend, other sh** happened to just about drive me over the edge. In my desperation to talk to someone, I called my therapist and left her a voice mail sobbing and babbling like a lunatic. I'm totally embarrassed about that message now.

Anyhow, I kinda felt like I had to go back after leaving that message. Which I'm doing on Monday. I'm trying to be pro-active instead of moping in my apartment. So I've decided I need to switch therapists to one who does CBT or get my therapist to do CBT sort of. She's not a CBT therapist; she does classic talk therapy. I'm bringing her a list of therapists that take my insurance and do CBT to ask if she's familiar with and can recommend any of them.

I hate starting over with someone new though. And, I do trust and like this therapist. I kind of have a low tolerance for stupidity and she doesn't ping my moron radar at all. And she doesn't play games and she's always straight up. So I'm also going to ask her if she can just be more aggressive. She has said in the past that she doesn't push me because I shut down. Which is true, I guess. But if I commit to challenging myself and ask her to push me, to hold me accountable to my goals, I think she will. I dunno. We'll see what she says.

The other alternative, as mentioned, is switching to a CBT therapist. I don't even really know what CBT is, but I've got it in my head that it's the magic potion to finally cure me.

 

[Mickery]

My suggestion, which is not based on any expertise whatsoever, is that you should change. 11 years with one therapist is ludicrous, she should have acknowledged that she isn't able to help you and referred you to another technique or therapist years ago.

 

[Josette]

My suggestion, which is not based on any expertise whatsoever, is that you should change. 11 years with one therapist is ludicrous, she should have acknowledged that she isn't able to help you and referred you to another technique or therapist years ago.

That has been a fear of mine for awhile now, but I'm having trouble facing it. Not only would it mean that I wasted a lot of time, but also that I was duped. I really respect this therapist, so if I've been wrong about her, it's really going to shake me. 11 years is a really long time though.

Edited to add:
You've got me thinking now...I'm going to try to bring up the subject with her on Monday. It'll be hard. I'll basically be accusing her of being a bad therapist. Of course I won't phrase it like that.

 

[Mickery]

Duped implies to me that it was deliberate, that's not necessarily the case. Regardless, even if you have had some unproductive time in the past, the feeling of loss will fade in time as you find success. I'm sure you've had experiences of waiting for something for a long time, you don't look back once you achieve it.

 

[alanj]

Why not consider purchasing the Dr. Richards audio series. Dr. Richards used to have severe SA which he got over and he's put together this CBT audio series which I have heard many people say is absolutely brilliant.

 

[Josette]

Why not consider purchasing the Dr. Richards audio series. Dr. Richards used to have severe SA which he got over and he's put together this CBT audio series which I have heard many people say is absolutely brilliant.

I will check it out. Thanks for the tip.

 

[Mickery]

You've got me thinking now...I'm going to try to bring up the subject with her on Monday. It'll be hard. I'll basically be accusing her of being a bad therapist. Of course I won't phrase it like that.

I would suggest you don't. It will close any avenues of return if you decide to do so, and you're better off finding an independent person or psychiatric body to enquire about appropriate behavior.

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

My suggestion, which is not based on any expertise whatsoever, is that you should change. 11 years with one therapist is ludicrous, she should have acknowledged that she isn't able to help you and referred you to another technique or therapist years ago.

Does anyone ever get "cured" by therapy? It seems to me that they don't. I never hear anyone saying that they saw a therapist and then stopped going because they were cured. It always seems to be an ongoing thing, which further feeds my strong suspicion that the whole area of psychiatry is nothing but psychobabble and snake oil which milks vulnerable people of money. A lot of money.

Sorry. Rant over.

 

[Mickery]

Phobias like fear of flying can be cured by therapy, yes. But that's not the point. All medical research is about finding something that is better than the current alternatives. It doesn't have to be a total cure, or a something for everybody. There are plenty of new medicines that amount to no more than a percentage increase of effectiveness over what they're replacing. You just have to come out of therapy better than when you went in.

 

[Feathers]

Hey Josette,

You seem to have a good job and be doing well financially (from what you wrote elsewhere) - I don't think the therapy was a complete waste of time.
Some people on another forum say they were only able to work in a job as in full-time when they had a good therapist help them.

Maybe you would have had a breakdown or some other bad experiences much sooner if it weren't for this therapist...

Apparently, some therapists and some therapies are better for some things (or some people) than for others... CBT is recommended to help with depression and it can help with anxiety and sa too... Some people on this forum have found it helpful, some didn't. It really depends on the therapist too, and how it's done, and the person. Also check any forums of local people recommending therapists maybe? (eg Google 'your location + CBT therapist + social anxiety (or other problems) + forum' or also 'review/experience/problems/rant' or such keywords, individually or together...?)

If you like reading I recommend you maybe check out some books that introduce CBT well - eg The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr David Burns was found as 'better than CBT therapy' by someone online, it's more for depression I think though, than sa specifically, I liked it very much and it was very helpful when I first came across it, or check some other books or indeed the mentioned program (yeah, you could even ask your therapist if she can recommend any good books on CBT, or anyone who could?)
A psychologist said 'Anxiety for Dummies' is a good book too, written by CBT experts, I haven't seen or read it yet..
I really liked Meeting People Is Fun by Phyllis M. Shaw too, though it's very basic and not for dating specifically.. Might wanna check if your library or a second hand store might have these and browse a little?

There are even some specific books on dating and even some dating coaches (though there seem to be more for men, and some may be a bit iffy, so research is important) or coaches and forums/websites and support groups that help with lifestyle changes, so it would be good to make a list of what you want to work on..

If your cause for problems might be eg food intolerance/allergy or celiac disease or not such a great nutrition/lifestyle or other health factors (eg thyroid) or something like that, than all any talk therapy can do is make symptoms 'milder'... or inspire you for lifestyle changes too.. if you eg need to avoid or increase certain foods or change lifestyle to make it better..

So maybe think about accomplishments you have made in these 11 years, and what you like about your life... and thank your therapist for that, also mention what you'd like to work on (specific things, maybe bring with a list?) and say you've been thinking about CBT and heard good things about it, can she help you with that or recommend someone?

 

[Josette]

Does anyone ever get "cured" by therapy? It seems to me that they don't. I never hear anyone saying that they saw a therapist and then stopped going because they were cured. It always seems to be an ongoing thing, which further feeds my strong suspicion that the whole area of psychiatry is nothing but psychobabble and snake oil which milks vulnerable people of money. A lot of money.

Sorry. Rant over.

Along those lines, I did actually ask my therapist once if she'd ever had a client for whom she'd concluded she'd done all she could and told the client this. She said yes.

 

[juan_sa]

Does anyone ever get "cured" by therapy? It seems to me that they don't. I never hear anyone saying that they saw a therapist and then stopped going because they were cured. It always seems to be an ongoing thing, which further feeds my strong suspicion that the whole area of psychiatry is nothing but psychobabble and snake oil which milks vulnerable people of money. A lot of money.

Sorry. Rant over.

when i went to therapy i felt really great right after my session. but it didnt last too long. for me anyways..

 

[Josette]

Hey Josette,

You seem to.... <snip>

Hi Feathers,

Thanks for the reply and the suggestions.

I used to be a lot worse than now. But when I think about how much worse I was, it doesn't really make me feel any better to see how far I've come. I tend to all-or-nothing thinking, so all I see is 'still a failure.' Still too afraid to do x, y, and z. Still alone.

It's funny you mention making a list of what I want to work on. I was just doing that before I signed on. It's a list of about 6 things but it's really just one thing--stop being socially anxious. If I could stop the SA, I could do any of them. Heh.

I'm leery of buying self-help books. I tend to buy them, then never read them. The thing is, I'm avoidant (I'm AvPD perhaps more than SA, though I see SA as a symptom of AvPD rather than a separate thing). Because I'm avoidant is why I need a therapist who will push me. I really want to try and tackle the issues this time around and "make" myself do stuff (call friends and initiate social activities, try dating, find homes for some of these d*** cats), but I slip into avoidance so easily without even noticing sometimes. That's why I need my therapist to be more aggressive and call me on it, ask me for updates on my progress towards my goals, help me break them down into steps, etc.

If I'm honest, I don't entirely trust my therapist to do that. I think if I stop talking about goals and progress and blather on about something else, she'll just go along with it and I'll spend another 10 years paying someone to chat with me.

It's hard. I really don't think she's a schuyster or anything like that. But she is human and maybe she has made mistakes with my treatment. I don't know. I saw several mental health professionals when I was a kid that were varying degrees of awful (I could tell you stories...). After those experiences, I gave up on asking for help. I figured out no one was going to help me. I was only 14 years old. I struggled on my own for the next 13 years before trying a therapist again when I was 27.

She didn't talk down to me, she didn't spout BS (she definitely didn't do any of the more egregious behavior I encountered previously) and if nothing else, she was someone who listened, someone I could talk to. But I can't help feeling (as Mickery above says) that's it's "ludicrous" that she never got to a point where she said she'd done all she could for me or that X would be better for me to try.

I actually did already ask her about a CBT therapist and she didn't know anyone off the top of her head "who takes your insurance" but she said she has feelers out. I believe she has good intentions.

We'll see what happens Monday. I'm terrified of waking up and finding out another 10 years have gone by. I need to really commit and push myself and stop being avoidant this time.

 

[Josette]

when i went to therapy i felt really great right after my session. but it didnt last too long. for me anyways..

I always feel good after and go home and get tons of stuff done and crash again by the end of the evening. It's like a drug that wears off. Still, if you feel miserable most of the time, that few hours of hope is nice.

 

[Sprunk]

I always feel good after and go home and get tons of stuff done and crash again by the end of the evening. It's like a drug that wears off. Still, if you feel miserable most of the time, that few hours of hope is nice.

A therapist can't "cure" you in my opinion,though they can give you some advice.I was told if i was going to get better i have to be the one to do the work,which is true.Though i did find when i was in therapy we kept going over the same ground all the time.Which kind of lead me to belive that she had helped me as much as she could

 

[atavistic]

The other alternative, as mentioned, is switching to a CBT therapist. I don't even really know what CBT is, but I've got it in my head that it's the magic potion to finally cure me.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is being aware of your emotions, behaviors, and thoughts and questioning them. What you think triggers your emotions (anxiety). So the therapy focuses on changing or eliminating the anxiety causing thoughts. After all it's the nasty thought that makes you anxious or depressed. It's not exactly easy to do though.

To put it another way, it is a process to slowly convince your brain that your anxious thoughts are not something to get worked up about.

The emotions that go with the anxious thoughts will seem impossible to deal with at first. But as the therapy goes on you chip away at the effect these thoughts have and they turn into something more manageable. Kind of like exposure therapy.

That's my take on it anyways...

BTW I think you should ditch your current therapist. But I should practice what I preach since I too am considering ditching mine. Also I'd recommend a male therapist. Maybe they make you uncomfortable but that can be a good thing. I experienced the same "don't rock the boat" therapy by female therapists. But the males seem to have this urge to get around to "fixing" you and give you nudges now and then. It seems to me anyways. I've never liked that feeling of "paying" a friend to listen to me. I'd much prefer a let's get down to business feeling.

 

[alanj]

In my opinion a therapists job(for SA) is to help you identify negative patterns of thought and change your thinking in a gradual way. If they are just listening and getting you to discuss your problems, then there is a real danger of giving your perceived problems more life and further cementing them in to a reality for you.

 

[Feathers]

I've seen on another forum some people say they get 'addicted' to their therapists (I don't need that, already have cocoa and spw/computer ) Haven't actually dared to see anyone, though there are some free options where I live (not specialized in SA or my particular challenges/wishes/goals though, as far as I know, one told me they just 'mainly listen' and one was willing to explore CBT and recommended 'Anxiety for Dummies').

How about joining a shelter group or pet lovers group or something like that? You might even meet new cool friends (and cat lovers! ) through that??

Well, I have read a ton of books and some forums/websites and some of them have been really helpful. For a while, at least. Then situations changed or you get to 'next level' of problems in life...
Some things that seemed 'difficult' before, may seem easy now. But some things that seemed 'impossible' may seem 'possible' but 'difficult'... If that makes sense... Like 'Level 2' in a computer game, or 'Level 10' lol..

Some of the books I read, got enthusiastic for a while, then sort of forgot about the good stuff (or didn't really know WHAT was the good stuff lol, so tried new things hehe). We may need constant reminders for some things, maybe. This may be something that's easier in a support group or a support forum, where people have very different insights or opinions and experiences.

Are you on any animal forums or cat forums or such?? Where I live, there are local pet forums where people exchange pet tips and tricks, or announce they have pets to sell or adopt, and they have forum events and meet-ups too??

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

Along those lines, I did actually ask my therapist once if she'd ever had a client for whom she'd concluded she'd done all she could and told the client this. She said yes.

Well it's good to hear that there's at least one honest one out there.

I accept that my view on psychiatry probably isn't a widely held or even popular one, but when I hear of so many people going to see therapists for years and years it makes me wonder what is actually being achieved. Has it just become a crutch for them? Are they really expecting to ever be "cured"? If they don't have any expectations of a cure, and seeing their therapist makes them feel better (even if only for a short time) then that's fine, but I wonder how many are hoping for a cure that will never come.

I guess therapists just aren't for me.

 

[atavistic]

You can google online for a therapist in your area. Look for one who specializes in social anxiety disorder, or anxiety disorders. A lot of them will list what they specialize in. For me I've seen psychiatrists, psychologists, and social workers. And now a counselor (3 visits). Of the two social workers, one of them specialized in CBT. During my sessions with him I was doing really well. So well in fact that I thought I was over it and I didn't have to see him anymore.

Well, this was while I was in high school, and I was doing really well. Talking with people, getting along well with everyone. Going to school everyday. I joined the school's chess club and we won a tournament and got our school's first trophy (a new school). Well, apparently I was on some sort of high during that period. I guess hypomania I don't know. Anyways, I crashed hard. Ended up getting extremely depressed and super tired all the time. Started skipping classes like crazy. Basically dropped out of school and was put into a academy program.

Since stopping the stuff with therapist my life has pretty much gone to hell. And feeling like crap has only made me want to avoid people more. I can't tell you I would be far better off if I had a therapist during that period of time. It's been like 8 or 9 years and I saw a new therapist once for a few sessions during that period but got disheartened and didn't go.

I wish I could go back in time and kick myself for not just trying someone new. And taking control of my life while I had access to insurance. I mean I was very fortunate to have access to these resources and I just passed them up. I urge you to not do the same and to not give up. I would really like to say more but I have to go.

Also real quick it has worked for me the CBT I mean. Basically during my teenage years I was suicidal and clinically depressed or bipolar 2 or something. I was put on SSRI's and once a SNRI and let me tell you. The medicine's did not really make me feel better but the CBT did. I still think negative thoughts sometimes but it's nothing compared to when I was a teenager. And that's what I focused on fixing at the time. Well ya g2g. Whatever you do think it through.