Craving something you wont allow yourself to have

[Adam1303]

Hey,

Before I go into detail about what this post is supposed to be about I figured I'd introduce myself seeing as this is my first post here.

My name is Adam, I'm 17 and I've always had a habit of doing things alone and the hard way, I simply refuse to do things the easy way because I have some strange complex with myself where I have to prove I can achieve things that I don't believe I can. If something's too easy I lose interest, where as when things are hard it motivates me to challenge myself and push myself.. This really isn't a good thing seeing as I'm asthmatic and most of this 'pushing' goes into sports.

I also have a great tendency to never trust people, I enjoy people telling me things about themselves but avoid talking about myself at all costs. When people start asking too many questions about me I tend to distance myself as much as I can or push them away completely.

Anyway, on topic now..

Despite me being 17 I crave a long lasting and love filled relationship, I want someone who will be there for me, someone I can trust.. But I can never bring myself to trust anyone, I can never bring myself to tell people things about myself.. Heck, I find it difficult to show feelings to people in general (even family members) due to me being afraid of appearing weak.

I've always looked around me and seen people in close friend groups, people in relationships that seem happy. And then there's me, socially excluding myself.. Not allowing myself to connect with people, share with people. I've been told that I appear cold to people before, by someone who was once a friend but grew tired of me distancing myself every time she asked questions about me or my past.

I guess another reason behind me being distant to people is because I have a fear of rejection and criticism. I'd say I'm quite self conscious and find it near impossible to take a compliment. It also doesn't help that people I should be able to trust and rely on have just picked up and walked out on me.

One of the things that bothers me most out of all of the above is that I have quite literally no one I can talk to, if I have a problem I'm forced to deal with it myself. My mother has and always will be there for me, but every time she sees I'm upset or have a problem she has a tendency to get upset, and because of that I tend to keep everything to myself.

I've been told that at some point in my life I'll meet someone who'll change me, someone who'll get rid of all the anxiety, fear of rejection and judgement, but I really can't see that happening seeing as even people I love and like, I push away.

I guess the whole point of me writing this is to see if anyone else has similar problems as I have.. And to get it off my chest without fear of judgment, seeing as I'll most likely never see anyone on this forum in person.

Thanks for reading

 

[Ashiene]

Hey,

Before I go into detail about what this post is supposed to be about I figured I'd introduce myself seeing as this is my first post here.

Hello, welcome to SPW.

My name is Adam, I'm 17 and I've always had a habit of doing things alone and the hard way, I simply refuse to do things the easy way because I have some strange complex with myself where I have to prove I can achieve things that I don't believe I can. If something's too easy I lose interest, where as when things are hard it motivates me to challenge myself and push myself.. This really isn't a good thing seeing as I'm asthmatic and most of this 'pushing' goes into sports.

I wish I had that motivation of yours to try new challenges. For me, I always stick to routine and things I'm familiar with because I am afraid to try difficult things and fail which makes me lose self-confidence. You should put that into your studies it will be good.

I also have a great tendency to never trust people, I enjoy people telling me things about themselves but avoid talking about myself at all costs. When people start asking too many questions about me I tend to distance myself as much as I can or push them away completely.

I do that too. I have never trusted anyone not even my parents or relatives. I have been cheated on my so-called friends in the past when I trusted them and they abused my trust in them too many times so now I wrap a steel bubble around myself.

Anyway, on topic now..

Despite me being 17 I crave a long lasting and love filled relationship, I want someone who will be there for me, someone I can trust.. But I can never bring myself to trust anyone, I can never bring myself to tell people things about myself.. Heck, I find it difficult to show feelings to people in general (even family members) due to me being afraid of appearing weak.

I am 22 and I want that too. A comforting relationship where you can share problems and put your trust in someone knowing you get the same trust back. But I don't fear appearing weak. I feel being cheated again.

I've always looked around me and seen people in close friend groups, people in relationships that seem happy. And then there's me, socially excluding myself.. Not allowing myself to connect with people, share with people. I've been told that I appear cold to people before, by someone who was once a friend but grew tired of me distancing myself every time she asked questions about me or my past.

Seeing people in relationships makes me feel very empty inside. Even normal friendships are difficult because of a traumatising past.

I guess another reason behind me being distant to people is because I have a fear of rejection and criticism. I'd say I'm quite self conscious and find it near impossible to take a compliment. It also doesn't help that people I should be able to trust and rely on have just picked up and walked out on me.

Taking compliments always seems to me as if people just pity me and think I deserve some nice words and not as if they really mean it. I start to feel as if all compliments are just shows or displays and not what they really feel about me.

One of the things that bothers me most out of all of the above is that I have quite literally no one I can talk to, if I have a problem I'm forced to deal with it myself. My mother has and always will be there for me, but every time she sees I'm upset or have a problem she has a tendency to get upset, and because of that I tend to keep everything to myself.

My mother always says she will understand me, but the truth is no one understands me. They think they do but they just want to comfort me with those words. No one without our problems can ever understand it unless they have experienced it personally. It's like you cannot describe an orgasm to someone. They have to feel it for themselves.

I've been told that at some point in my life I'll meet someone who'll change me, someone who'll get rid of all the anxiety, fear of rejection and judgement, but I really can't see that happening seeing as even people I love and like, I push away.

I guess the whole point of me writing this is to see if anyone else has similar problems as I have.. And to get it off my chest without fear of judgment, seeing as I'll most likely never see anyone on this forum in person.

Thanks for reading.

Many girls like to go for "bad boys" types because they believe they are the special one who can change the bad boys to nice guys, but that just leaves the originally nice guys unwanted because somehow the girls see us as not challenging enough. I think you should read my thread in the Social Anxiety section titled Acceptance Of Inequality it has some points to take note.

 

[Adam1303]

Hello, welcome to SPW.



I wish I had that motivation of yours to try new challenges. For me, I always stick to routine and things I'm familiar with because I am afraid to try difficult things and fail which makes me lose self-confidence. You should put that into your studies it will be good.



I do that too. I have never trusted anyone not even my parents or relatives. I have been cheated on my so-called friends in the past when I trusted them and they abused my trust in them too many times so now I wrap a steel bubble around myself.



I am 22 and I want that too. A comforting relationship where you can share problems and put your trust in someone knowing you get the same trust back. But I don't fear appearing weak. I feel being cheated again.



Seeing people in relationships makes me feel very empty inside. Even normal friendships are difficult because of a traumatising past.



Taking compliments always seems to me as if people just pity me and think I deserve some nice words and not as if they really mean it. I start to feel as if all compliments are just shows or displays and not what they really feel about me.



My mother always says she will understand me, but the truth is no one understands me. They think they do but they just want to comfort me with those words. No one without our problems can ever understand it unless they have experienced it personally. It's like you cannot describe an orgasm to someone. They have to feel it for themselves.



Many girls like to go for "bad boys" types because they believe they are the special one who can change the bad boys to nice guys, but that just leaves the originally nice guys unwanted because somehow the girls see us as not challenging enough. I think you should read my thread in the Social Anxiety section titled Acceptance Of Inequality it has some points to take note.

First of all thanks for replying, it's nice to know someone is experiencing a similar thing.

The whole challenge thing doesn't always pay off because as you said, when you fail it tends to knock your confidence quite a bit.. And that has happened to me on more than one occasion.

I personally think someone saying that they understand is very patronizing.. How could they possibly 'understand' if they don't know how you're feeling.. And even if they have experienced a similar thing, everyone feels in different extremities.

I'm the same, seeing people together and knowing they have what you can't have just gives me a sinking feeling.. Makes me feel somewhat worthless.

By compliments I mean a few female friends who can see I'm not very confident have told me I've no reason not to be, and that I'm a really nice guy and apparently 'good looking' too. Although, the way I see it is if that was true, I wouldn't have the problem of sitting in my room and being alone (although I play a big part in that myself)

I guess I just want someone who'll understand me and not try to force me into telling them things. Someone who's willing to put the effort in and work around my 'issues' or help me overcome them.

One of my most common tendencies that I didn't include in the original post is that I refuse to ever accept that anything good can happen, because the way I see it is, when you're happy someone else isn't.. When something 'good' happens, something bad usually follows.

I also tend to put others happiness before my own, which has also resorted in me being so self conscious and socially excluded due to people taking advantage of that fact.

I think to date I can only name 1 friend I have, and even she only bothers with me when she has a problem or needs a shoulder to cry on.

 

[bleach]

By compliments I mean a few female friends who can see I'm not very confident have told me I've no reason not to be, and that I'm a really nice guy and apparently 'good looking' too. Although, the way I see it is if that was true, I wouldn't have the problem of sitting in my room and being alone (although I play a big part in that myself)

I guess I just want someone who'll understand me and not try to force me into telling them things. Someone who's willing to put the effort in and work around my 'issues' or help me overcome them.

every girl I know says she prefers to be pursued. sometimes they need to see very obvious signs of interest before they even take notice of you. this is why a lot of shy men are always ignored., regardless what other good qualities they might have. your friends know this which is why they are trying to build your confidence up.

if I my say so however your thinking is overall very irrational and seems clouded by depression. you say you are offended when people claim to know how yu feel, but you want a girl who will understand you before you ope up to her. better yet you think that being happy will make someone else unhappy. that's completely illogical, anyone looking at normal interaction can see that happiness tends tolift up people around you, and being sad just drags others down.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Adam...
You took your first step in overcoming your fears about sharing your emotions and trusting people by posting on this site. Congrats!

I understand where you are so clearly. I used to be the exact same way, I pushed away all of my friends, didn't talk to my family about personal things, was in total denial emotionally actually... Couldn't cry in front of people, was terrified of people knowing I had problems at all (Especially anxiety/depression). I'm not totally out of it, but I've been working on this in small steps (showing emotions to others and trusting others, talking more about myself, etc) specifically, for about 2 years now. This is something that you can change, it takes a bit of work but wow, the pay off is HUGE! Once you start making connections with people and start trusting people, you start feeling comfortable again, you're able to feel supported and loved again, and it's like this whole new level of connection, love, friendship, playfulness, childlikeness, and comfort opens up to you. This happens when two people are vulnerable and take their walls down...

So yeah posting here is a great great step so i'm so happy that you chose to do it, it must have been a little bit uncomfortable. One of the first things that I did when I realized that I had a problem opening up to people was start a journal on this website, where I would entail all of the things I was thinking, uncensored, no matter how whiney, annoying, overdramatic or whatever I end up sounding like in those posts. That was a worth while step, It's still hard for me to post in it, but when I started, I would stay up all night tossing and turning thinking about how much I just put myself out there... Deleted a lot of them. It's easy to bear all starting on the computer, because you don't have to face people's reactions, and you get a lot of support when you do get a reply So it's like a promise of acceptance! Nobody on here insults anybody, everybody tries their hardest to help because we are all in a very similar situation.

Some other things that helped me, was opening up to my mom. Wow, it's funny, the reason I didn't used to show my emotions or problems to my mom is because she does the same thing, she gets upset. Sometimes she even used to get mad at me for "guilt tripping her" with my problems. But I actually had a sit down with her, a long time ago, where I told her.. I have anxiety and depression, and I really trust her to talk to about these things because I do'nt have anybody else. Ever since then, she had some kind of instinctual urge to also improve herself so she could be there for me. She has put so much effort into helping me by learning to listen, and learning to show her OWN emotions. Have you sat down with your mom and just told her that you need her, you need her to talk to because you trust her so much and you have problems trusting anybody? That is intense flattery.... Whenever you ask somebody to be there because you need them, something instinctual washes over them that makes them want to do their best to help. I highly encourage you to begin your journey by learning to be vulnerable in conversation and emotion with your mom Or another family member.

Another thing that helped me immensely was seeing a counselor. You say you have nobody to talk to, could you ask your mom for a counselor? My first counselor, I didn't show any emotions at ALL.... Every single time I went there it was a practice of my denial. Talk about things, don't admit to them hurting, don't cry! I actually would go into my sessions telling myself that this time I would cry! And walk out saying.. Damn... I couldn't do it!!! Eventually the counselor got pissed that she couldn't reach me emotionally and it just didn't work out. But what that counselor did do for me, was allow me to talk about the things in my life that are deep, personal, in a safe atmosphere. After I talked about them, for a few months, even though I never had the crying break down it was the beginning of the practice of having all of the attention on my problems in a social situation. Being vulnerable and open with somebody, even if not emotionally open, I was open with my thoughts about emotional subjects.

A step after that, is group therapy. That would be so great for you! It might seem scary, so maybe start with 1 on 1 therapy, but if you are able to go into group therapy you can not only practice trusting people, but you might find some friends who are working on the same issues. They have group therapy for specific problems, like social anxiety, or depression.

If you can't find group therapy, or are looking for something cheaper, you could try finding a support group. I found a group on Meetup.com for social anxiety, this is when I had no friends, again about 2 years ago. One day I decided to go to my first meetup... I walked past the place like 4 times before going in, and I spoke extremely rarely.The odd thing is that I ended up having a lot in common with a person who was actually running the group, and now we're good friends! I think it's important that the group that you go to is based around self-improvement, that way eventually you can be open with the people and say that you are working on trusting people. They might relate, and you guys can work on it together. Even if you don't say anything, people might like ya! At least one person will, promise.

Obviously, the next step is showing extreme emotion around people... and one of the best ways to practice this...is... crying. I don't know, maybe you don't have problems with crying in front of people? But for me, it's a HUGE trust issue thing. I don't trust that, if I show my deep hurt, that people will do the right thing... That people will comfort me and not judge me. I remember the first few times I cried in front of my mom. The first 3 times, were some of the scariest moments of my life... Unfortunately, she did not comfort me but rather walked away and became upset and defensive, but that's because I was usually crying about a situation between the two of us, and because she is terrified of emotions so she couldn't overcome her fear to get too close to me as I cried. The good news is that, when she started getting used to seeing my cry (I don't cry THAT much or anything lol...) she now hugs me and tries to help... She will literally sit me down and talk with me for an hour, in the middle of the night, as I cry, and hug me twice. (Hmmm...2 days ago LOL). We BOTH had to practice showing emotions for this to happen, but because I can now do this, I feel like I can trust people even when my emotions feel out of control. Because I can do this, expressing feelings feels like nothing! Even crying in front of somebody isn't as hard as it used to be... Even though it's still mildly uncomfortable. I even cried in front of my friend!!! Like full out. That was HUGE... But you see, comfort zones grow, and now that friend is a deep one. They cried with me. You will find that the people around you, even complete strangers!! Will be there for you when you cry.


Ok let's see what else....

You fear objection and critism. This is where self-acceptance and love comes in. It's really hard to love yourself without having others that express it to you often, friends that see your positive qualities. But it can be done. One thing that may help you is keeping a gratitude journal. Write, say, 3 things that you are grateful for today, and make one of them about who you are. Also, learn about who you are, really do some digging into self-knowledge. Think about what makes you passionate about life, do a ton of online quizzes that tell you things like what your top values in life are, or characteristics, or take the Meyers-Briggs personality test. Find some of the positive traits about you, and kind of pride yourself on them They are unique and special, and nobody holds the same top positive traits quite the way you do. When you talk to yourself in your head, change the "I should do this" to "I want to do this". Stop telling yourself what you should and shouldn't do, because it makes it feel like you're not doing it for yourself but somebody else, and makes you feel ashamed and pressured if you don't. If you instead use the "I want", you feel pleasure from what you choose to do, no matter what it is... For instance, "I should really study to pass my test" vs "I really WANT to pass my test so I'm going to study". Take care of yourself as if you love yourself, eat right, exercise, keep your space clean, dress well, let yourself have lazy days without any nagging from the voice in your head that goes "you should you should", but not all at once, part of loving yourself is starting slow! I started by just showering and getting dressed in the morning, it makes such a difference to how I feel about myself.


This is a long post... Oops. I hope there is some little tidbit of helpful information in it. I hope I didn't go on too long about myself!!! Lol it just kind of came out that way. I really feel for your position, but at the same time, I know that if you start very slow and just do little things for now (like starting a public journal on here talking to your mom, or getting a counselor ) your comfort zone will grow and you will discover such an IMPORTANT and FULFILLING level of closeness! So I am excited for you, too, for you are young! And at the same age that I was at this point.... <3

 

[Ashiene]

^
I have never seen such a long post before.

 

[EscapeArtist]

^ Lol... I just chucked all my thoughts into a bucket-of-words.. Now imagine having all those thoughts at once when somebody says anything

 

[Adam1303]

every girl I know says she prefers to be pursued. sometimes they need to see very obvious signs of interest before they even take notice of you. this is why a lot of shy men are always ignored., regardless what other good qualities they might have. your friends know this which is why they are trying to build your confidence up.

if I my say so however your thinking is overall very irrational and seems clouded by depression. you say you are offended when people claim to know how yu feel, but you want a girl who will understand you before you ope up to her. better yet you think that being happy will make someone else unhappy. that's completely illogical, anyone looking at normal interaction can see that happiness tends tolift up people around you, and being sad just drags others down.

There's a different type and concept of understanding, the one where someone claims to 'understand' how I feel is situational.. The one where I want a girl to understand me is meant where I want her to understand that I'll open up in my own time, I'll grow to trust her over time etc..

Well as pessimistic as it is, it's just the way I see it. Not everyone can be happy, so evidently if you're happy someone else wont be. And in all honesty, I'd much rather be the guy that's upset/depressed but knows they've helped someone or made someone happy because, well it makes you feel worthwhile.

 

[Adam1303]

Adam...
You took your first step in overcoming your fears about sharing your emotions and trusting people by posting on this site. Congrats!

I understand where you are so clearly. I used to be the exact same way, I pushed away all of my friends, didn't talk to my family about personal things, was in total denial emotionally actually... Couldn't cry in front of people, was terrified of people knowing I had problems at all (Especially anxiety/depression). I'm not totally out of it, but I've been working on this in small steps (showing emotions to others and trusting others, talking more about myself, etc) specifically, for about 2 years now. This is something that you can change, it takes a bit of work but wow, the pay off is HUGE! Once you start making connections with people and start trusting people, you start feeling comfortable again, you're able to feel supported and loved again, and it's like this whole new level of connection, love, friendship, playfulness, childlikeness, and comfort opens up to you. This happens when two people are vulnerable and take their walls down...

So yeah posting here is a great great step so i'm so happy that you chose to do it, it must have been a little bit uncomfortable. One of the first things that I did when I realized that I had a problem opening up to people was start a journal on this website, where I would entail all of the things I was thinking, uncensored, no matter how whiney, annoying, overdramatic or whatever I end up sounding like in those posts. That was a worth while step, It's still hard for me to post in it, but when I started, I would stay up all night tossing and turning thinking about how much I just put myself out there... Deleted a lot of them. It's easy to bear all starting on the computer, because you don't have to face people's reactions, and you get a lot of support when you do get a reply So it's like a promise of acceptance! Nobody on here insults anybody, everybody tries their hardest to help because we are all in a very similar situation.

Some other things that helped me, was opening up to my mom. Wow, it's funny, the reason I didn't used to show my emotions or problems to my mom is because she does the same thing, she gets upset. Sometimes she even used to get mad at me for "guilt tripping her" with my problems. But I actually had a sit down with her, a long time ago, where I told her.. I have anxiety and depression, and I really trust her to talk to about these things because I do'nt have anybody else. Ever since then, she had some kind of instinctual urge to also improve herself so she could be there for me. She has put so much effort into helping me by learning to listen, and learning to show her OWN emotions. Have you sat down with your mom and just told her that you need her, you need her to talk to because you trust her so much and you have problems trusting anybody? That is intense flattery.... Whenever you ask somebody to be there because you need them, something instinctual washes over them that makes them want to do their best to help. I highly encourage you to begin your journey by learning to be vulnerable in conversation and emotion with your mom Or another family member.

Another thing that helped me immensely was seeing a counselor. You say you have nobody to talk to, could you ask your mom for a counselor? My first counselor, I didn't show any emotions at ALL.... Every single time I went there it was a practice of my denial. Talk about things, don't admit to them hurting, don't cry! I actually would go into my sessions telling myself that this time I would cry! And walk out saying.. Damn... I couldn't do it!!! Eventually the counselor got pissed that she couldn't reach me emotionally and it just didn't work out. But what that counselor did do for me, was allow me to talk about the things in my life that are deep, personal, in a safe atmosphere. After I talked about them, for a few months, even though I never had the crying break down it was the beginning of the practice of having all of the attention on my problems in a social situation. Being vulnerable and open with somebody, even if not emotionally open, I was open with my thoughts about emotional subjects.

A step after that, is group therapy. That would be so great for you! It might seem scary, so maybe start with 1 on 1 therapy, but if you are able to go into group therapy you can not only practice trusting people, but you might find some friends who are working on the same issues. They have group therapy for specific problems, like social anxiety, or depression.

If you can't find group therapy, or are looking for something cheaper, you could try finding a support group. I found a group on Meetup.com for social anxiety, this is when I had no friends, again about 2 years ago. One day I decided to go to my first meetup... I walked past the place like 4 times before going in, and I spoke extremely rarely.The odd thing is that I ended up having a lot in common with a person who was actually running the group, and now we're good friends! I think it's important that the group that you go to is based around self-improvement, that way eventually you can be open with the people and say that you are working on trusting people. They might relate, and you guys can work on it together. Even if you don't say anything, people might like ya! At least one person will, promise.

Obviously, the next step is showing extreme emotion around people... and one of the best ways to practice this...is... crying. I don't know, maybe you don't have problems with crying in front of people? But for me, it's a HUGE trust issue thing. I don't trust that, if I show my deep hurt, that people will do the right thing... That people will comfort me and not judge me. I remember the first few times I cried in front of my mom. The first 3 times, were some of the scariest moments of my life... Unfortunately, she did not comfort me but rather walked away and became upset and defensive, but that's because I was usually crying about a situation between the two of us, and because she is terrified of emotions so she couldn't overcome her fear to get too close to me as I cried. The good news is that, when she started getting used to seeing my cry (I don't cry THAT much or anything lol...) she now hugs me and tries to help... She will literally sit me down and talk with me for an hour, in the middle of the night, as I cry, and hug me twice. (Hmmm...2 days ago LOL). We BOTH had to practice showing emotions for this to happen, but because I can now do this, I feel like I can trust people even when my emotions feel out of control. Because I can do this, expressing feelings feels like nothing! Even crying in front of somebody isn't as hard as it used to be... Even though it's still mildly uncomfortable. I even cried in front of my friend!!! Like full out. That was HUGE... But you see, comfort zones grow, and now that friend is a deep one. They cried with me. You will find that the people around you, even complete strangers!! Will be there for you when you cry.


Ok let's see what else....

You fear objection and critism. This is where self-acceptance and love comes in. It's really hard to love yourself without having others that express it to you often, friends that see your positive qualities. But it can be done. One thing that may help you is keeping a gratitude journal. Write, say, 3 things that you are grateful for today, and make one of them about who you are. Also, learn about who you are, really do some digging into self-knowledge. Think about what makes you passionate about life, do a ton of online quizzes that tell you things like what your top values in life are, or characteristics, or take the Meyers-Briggs personality test. Find some of the positive traits about you, and kind of pride yourself on them They are unique and special, and nobody holds the same top positive traits quite the way you do. When you talk to yourself in your head, change the "I should do this" to "I want to do this". Stop telling yourself what you should and shouldn't do, because it makes it feel like you're not doing it for yourself but somebody else, and makes you feel ashamed and pressured if you don't. If you instead use the "I want", you feel pleasure from what you choose to do, no matter what it is... For instance, "I should really study to pass my test" vs "I really WANT to pass my test so I'm going to study". Take care of yourself as if you love yourself, eat right, exercise, keep your space clean, dress well, let yourself have lazy days without any nagging from the voice in your head that goes "you should you should", but not all at once, part of loving yourself is starting slow! I started by just showering and getting dressed in the morning, it makes such a difference to how I feel about myself.


This is a long post... Oops. I hope there is some little tidbit of helpful information in it. I hope I didn't go on too long about myself!!! Lol it just kind of came out that way. I really feel for your position, but at the same time, I know that if you start very slow and just do little things for now (like starting a public journal on here talking to your mom, or getting a counselor ) your comfort zone will grow and you will discover such an IMPORTANT and FULFILLING level of closeness! So I am excited for you, too, for you are young! And at the same age that I was at this point.... <3

Thank you for such a big post, actually brought a smile to my face to see that someone actually cared enough to write so much.

In all honesty, it was quite difficult when it came to pressing the 'submit' button but I'll more than likely never see anyone who does reply, so their judgement (if they do judge me) wont necessarily be correct, seeing as they don't know me in person.

I never cry in front of anyone, no matter how much I'd like to. But I've got my wonderful father to thank for that (sarcasm.) He drilled it into me from a young age that crying and showing emotion is a weakness (my father was in the army, he was always very cold and sometimes even resorted to beating me for showing emotion, and I don't mean a light smack but the buckle end of a belt to a full on smack across the face.) I think he's the reason behind me not trusting people and not being able to show emotion.. Because when you think about it, if someone who you're supposed to be able to trust and rely on can do that to you, who's to say what others can do?

My mum has been through a hell of a lot more than she deserves, and I believe she suffers from SA.. Showing my emotions just makes her very upset because she feels like she has failed me as a parent (she blames herself for my dad.) She has always tried to make up for what has happened, and she has more than compensated for him but she has never managed to get over it herself, nor have I.

I think seeing a councillor would be a good idea.. Having someone to talk to who I can be assured wont pass judgment and wont go back talking or telling people about me would be a nice feeling, although I have considered it a few times and have been worried that I might be their family lunch discussion (mixed emotions as you can tell.)

The most frustrating thing is I want to be a different person, a better person but I wont allow myself to be. I know what my problems, weaknesses and strengths are yet I'm totally unable to change them.

Back to the subject of my mum again, I'd much rather leave her how she is instead of risking upsetting her. She's one of the few people you can look at in life and genuinely say they're an amazing person.. Yet she still has nothing to show for it because of people taking her for granted.

In all honesty, there was 1 girl who I actually trusted and I believed to loved. She was a friend I had known for years, and had always had feelings for but never had the courage to say anything until one day she took it upon herself to tell me she had feelings for me. After 8 months of phone calls of her telling me she loved, going out together (I never pursued her or asked if she wanted to go any further than friends) me she grew tired of me still being wary of her, still not allowing myself to talk to her or tell her things about my past when ever she asked. It turns out, no matter how much I think I trust someone, there's just some things I don't think I'll ever be able to talk about.

I'll never forgive myself for that, I thought at first she lead me on, but in reality.. It was the other way around. I gave her false hope that I trusted her, I told her I had feelings for her but now matter how true they were, I was still unable to act on any of it. I guess that's another reason I refuse to show feelings to people now, it just never seems to work out for me because I never allow myself to show that I'm getting close to the person or love them, when really I have feelings for them greater than they can imagine. Despite me appearing cold I'm probably one of the most emotional people you'll meet, I'm just unable to express it or show it to others.

 

[Daniel089]

Adam first of all you are not alone at all. I'm 23 and I am just the same as you. I live in the suburb of the capital (2 million people) of Hungary, and I have 0 friends, never had girlfriend and I could just continue listing the reasons why I'm a social loser. I didn't care about this until 2 months ago, when I began to envy people, and human relationships. It is very hard when everyone you know has already reached tons of success in life, and you just don't have something that everyone else acquired by the time.

When I realize I have so many things to solve on my own I get depressed. It would just be easier with many friends or connections. I also realized that I rejected many opportunities in life, to be with people. I could never open up.
I have like 20 people who I talk to at my uni, tho I never talk to them about private stuff.

I decided to start CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) in July, because I don't want to get blocked whenever I say something stupid to others, I don't want to be crippled inside, nor having a hard time correcting myself when I say something stupid, obnoxious or equivocal...

I didn't help much but I just wanted to help by telling my story because you asked.

Stay strong and take care!