Coping with Death (Weirdy writes)

[WeirdyMcGee]

There have been many deaths in my family over the past year and a half. Friends from school have been dropping like flies too. I understand that this is just what happens when you grow up, but I'm really having trouble trying to understand how all of these people who are pulled together, have jobs, have families, educations and respect from their peers could be dead and I'm still here.
I'm pretty much useless, honestly. I can't leave my room without having a crippling anxiety attack and passing out; I can't work, can't support myself, have no friends... it's confusing. How could I be worth more than them? I guess it's not a question of worth at all. When your time is up-- it's up.

First, just in the past year... my cousins - my 19 year old cat - my great uncle - several highschool classmates at once - my grandmother - my uncle - my baby cousin have all died and today I got news that my grandfather has one week to live. My grandmother; his wife, won't be far behind him I know.
Grandpa was always good to me. He's probably the only person in my family who doesn't see me as a freak or as 'anti-social' and strange. It would probably be an understatement to say that I am his favourite grandchild.
What do I do for him? What can I do to make his last bit of time alive worth it?
I'm going to have to travel and see him, I guess... there isn't a whole lot else I can do.

I feel horrible that I don't feel sad.
I haven't been able to feel any emotion at all lately. Some loneliness; just a bit-- and alot of confusion... I know I should be crying, but I can't.

Can anyone relate at all?
What do I do to learn to cope with all of the death around me?
I guess I'll need to start bringing it up more often with my therapist... but I'm horrible at talking and talking doesn't really ever make me feel any better-- just more confused.

I'm sure I'm probably not the only one like this... I just feel so guilty for not caring.

 

[kihira]

"There is no place on earth where death cannot find us - even if we constantly twist out heads about in all directions as in a dubious and suspect land … If there were any way of sheltering from death's blows - I am not the man to recoil from it … But it is madness to think that you can succeed …

Men come and they go and they trot and they dance, and never a word about death. All well and good. Yet when death does come - to them, their wives, their children, their friends - catching them unawares and unprepared, then what storms of passion overwhelm them, what cries, what fury, what despair! …

To begin depriving death of its greatest advantage over us, let us adopt a way clean contrary to that common one; let us deprive death of its strangeness, let us frequent it, let us get used to it; let us have nothing more often in mind that death … We do not know where death awaits us: so let us wait for it everywhere. To practice death is to practice freedom. A man who has learned how to die has unlearned how to be a slave". -- Michel de Montaigne 1533-1592

I think visiting your grandfather is a wonderful idea

 

[Phoenixx]

Sorry to hear about all the deaths in the family. Growing up, I've been through a lot of family deaths too, pets included. I can somewhat relate about feeling lonely and not feeling much emotion when these things happen. It's not that I don't care, I guess I'm just emotionally worn and confused? I don't know, really. I have cried over a few deaths though, especially my dog I had when I was 14. He was really special to me. He was only a year or two old, he was a stray mutt that just showed up at my house one day. I kept him and he was the smartest dog I've ever had, no lie. This was also the time when I first started to become depressed. At night I would go to bed early and just cry myself to sleep every time, with nothing but negative thoughts going through my head. Well, he would open up my door 5 mins. after I went to bed and stare at me to make sure I was okay. Then he would lay next to me until I fell asleep, then he would leave. He knew there was something wrong and he was always there for me. He did that little routine up until the day he died, and unfortunately he had a short life. I still miss him to bits.

I apologize for rambling. I just wanted to share that story. Anyway, back on topic, I think visiting your grandfather is a wonderful idea and I think he would really appreciate it too. Just hang in there.

 

[Feathers]

hey ((hugs)) Sorry to hear about it.. I'm bad with coping with death too..

When my first Grandpa died, I felt nothing. (I was about 12 or so) I was kinda surprised when Grandma cried so much...
He was my favorite Grandpa and I still miss him a lot..

I did cry at some other deaths. Sometimes, I was shocked, when young people/near my age died... Some of those seemed to have it all going for themselves too.. For some, it was 'no surprise', or death was even seen as relief from suffering, after a long illness.. Some lived an unhealthy lifestyle and it was 'no wonder' - then, an inspiration to live healthier.. and to fight for healthier environment..

I don't know in what kind of environment you live? Some places or even schools were built on toxic sites or near chemical factories or such..

About 'why do we survive' - you never know what plan there is 'for you'... A bunch of nuns came to our area from another state, they were only allowed to come because they were ill, old or injured, and the original convent said, 'okay, go'. Here, they built a whole new convent and started a flowering community, many others joined..

Your illness and problems may give you a specific view of the world that may be very valuable, all things considered... I was angry about my poor health etc at times and then realized that if I were in complete health, I'd probably also be pursuing money, career, family life, personal happiness - and probably wouldn't even think about eco problems (?) and trying to help everyone live a more healthy life..

Yup, visiting your Grandpa sounds like a good idea, just holding hands and talking to him may mean a lot!!

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

Well... grandpa didn't make it. We knew he wouldn't.
He was in denial about it the whole time. I saw him one day and he was annoyed that we were babying him and trying to feed him since he couldn't move-- then he kicked us out.
There was a snowstorm the next day and the day after, we were 5 minutes too late to see him-- he'd already died.
It was pretty ****ty.

Because he didn't seem to understand (despite his doctors and my uncles all telling him that he was going to die in that room. No question) I didn't get to say goodbye to him. I never knew if I'd made him proud. I was his 'favourite', everyone says. I was the one family member he wanted to really succeed in life and I've done **** all.
It sucks.
I'm not okay.
I feel guilty for trying to die for the past 2 years--- but for whatever reason, I'm still alive and everyone around me is dying; and I'm not doing anything to make myself better and to DO something because I'm too f*cking scared of everything.
Why am I so stupid? Why won't my body do what I tell it to do?
I really, really hate being agoraphobic. I'm disgusted by my habits (or lack of habits, really) and I am ashamed of myself for being such a loser.

Visiting my family--- looking back on it now (after being stuck there for 3 weeks) -- I wish I hadn't gone at all. I wish my last memory of my grandfather wasn't seeing him sick and dying in the hospital.
My entire extended family came over for the weekend, and because I'm the only person who doesn't drink, I was the babysitter.
I babysat a group of 43 drunks for the weekend. -__- yay. I had to deal with the crazy mood swings, I had to break up fights, I had to roll people over onto their sides when they passed out and I had to clean everything up when everyone left, since no one else figured they should help with the cleaning.
It's frustrating.
I can't deal with people... especially not my family. Especially not a bunch of lushes.
ef.

Home now.
I think I've gone backwards a few steps because now I'm terrified to leave my bedroom again. Haven't eaten or gone to the bathroom all day and really don't want to ever again.