Coping with death or loss

[Cal]

How many of you here have experienced the death of a family member, or someone close? and how did you cope? (Sorry in advance for another gloomy thread.)

I lost one of my cousins to pneumonia when I was 14, he was battling with it for a long time. We were very close throughout my childhood, but in later years, he became sick very often, and I was unable to see him as I lived so far away. We kept in touch online and over the phone though.

He was ten years older than me, and I really looked up to him. He was my only male role model as a kid/teenager, as I never really had much to do with my dad. When I got the news... I was obviously shocked, but not once did I ever get emotional, or grieve over his death. I was just a bit blank for two weeks, and then I went back to my normal self. The same thing happens during a break-up for example, which is just plain weird.

The fact that I'm like this usually doesn't bother me AT ALL either... But sometimes I think about it and wonder if I'm psychotic. Opinions?

 

[Cal]

Oooh, I forgot I started this thread, thanks for the response anyhow. I'm really sorry to hear about your experience with losing someone, was he a boyfriend or just someone you liked?

Sorry, I should've clarified that I was using my cousin as an example, for I've dealt with this more than once. Two of my friends were killed in a car accident around the same time as my cousin, and my stepfather (of 9 years) was killed in a plane crash a year later. I never really got along with him due to problems with my real dad, but it caused my mother serious problems, for she ended up abandoning me by moving away to another state (we have now reconsiled ) and leaving me with no option but to find another place to live with random people, and eventually my uncle. All this caused me to lose a lot of friends because I had become so bitter and didn't care about anything anymore.

Yeah, some people feel the need to hide their true emotions, to protect people like their kids, but I didn't have anyone to put a facade on for. Perhaps you're right though, dealing with loss is easier to handle when you're not so close to the person, but I always come across as uncaring, even to myself. Again, I deal with break-ups exceptionally well, my last real girlfriend thought I wanted the break-up to happen, as I didn't really have an unpleasant reaction. Perhaps this is my way of NOT dealing with a situation, I don't know.

I wasn't always like this... I remember at 8 years old, I was absolutely distraught when one of my pets died, it took me about a month to get over it. So I don't know, I guess I'd like some closure over the subject, or at least know there are others like me. I just feel so alone because of this trait sometimes, for it makes me have doubts over whether I'm really a 'good person'.

 

[Lea]

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[Cal]

Not really, I tend to just feel lost for a day, but that's just from feeling alone after being attached to a person for 6-8 months. I don't really feel sad or angry or regret anything I'd done. Then I immediately look at all the positives the break-up will lead to, and by 25-30 hours, I've accepted it, and I'm my regular cheery self again.

But these are girls I loved, and while I was with them I was always geniunely open and honest, and never held anything back or wanted to get out of the relationship at all. (Except for one time where I initialized the break-up.)

I think this behaviour is more instinctual than anything else, like my way to protect myself from pain when I feel it coming. Then half the time I feel it's an underdevelopment in my persona. Either way, I feel like I'm missing out on life because of this, because I'm not "living" properly. Heck, I haven't even cried in almost 12 years. Some would call me lucky though I suppose.

Aside from all that Lea, I hope you can believe me when I say I'm sorry for your losses, and your poor upbringing, no one deserves to be treated with neglegance. No doubt some will doubt my sincerity after hearing all this, but the truth is, I feel the pain of others, but not my own.

 

[Lea]

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[Bar-AKA-Redzer]

my mother was knocked down trying to get my da to come home from the pub, she died in hospital after she caught MRSA from the life support machine she was 35. my father killed himself soon after her funeral he was 40. I was 10 and i never came to terms with it and find it harder to deal with now even more.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

I can't say that I have but I'm certainly not going to try to imagine what that would be like. I will be faced with this eventually so I'm not going to think about it until then.

 

[Cal]

Thanks for all the comments, I really appreciate it. I think I'm going to start cherishing the people who are close to me, rather than expecting and preparing for the worst all the time. After all, I'm glad my main family is still alive and kicking, even though we've all gone our seperate ways and aren't close anymore, I don't want to take them for granted.

Redzer - Losing both parents would be very tough, and at such a young age, it must've been a mighty struggle to get where you are now, at the very least. I just hope you remember there are always people around for support, hopefully you can eleborate on your experiences further with us sometime, if you have the strength. I know how hard it can be to discuss.

 

[Bar-AKA-Redzer]

yes it was tough very hard indeed, but i cant talk about it much because it makes me far too depressed abd start to not care about anything and just give pretty much up on everyone and everything.

 

[LadyWench]

I don't think you're psychotic at all. Everybody grieves in different ways. Some don't at all. We're human, so of course we are all going to react to things differently. I'm sorry to hear that you lost someone so dear to you, though.

When I was about seven years old, I lost my grandma. It was the first real death I had ever thought of/grieved over. My first funeral, as well. I didn't do good with it. It was extremely hard for me to accept. Especially since I was so young. Then a few years later, my cousin (well, she's my grandma's cousin, so she was more distant from me) died. That was also hard. I couldn't bring myself to go to her funeral, and I ended up feeling guilty.

Back in April of 2007, a very dear friend of the family died. She was my grandma's best friend, and became almost like a second grandmother to me. Losing her was extremely difficult. I decided to go to her funeral. I felt like I needed to. Funerals usually exist for "closure", but I didn't get that at all. If anything, it just made me feel worse about her death. I obsessed over death and my own mortality for months afterward. I never really did get over it.

So, like I said, everybody grieves in different ways. You didn't show a lot of emotion, and I showed WAY too much. I think mine is probably the one to worry more about, haha.

 

[Lorraine Manca]

I think thats in the realm of normal. I had to seem my grandmother lying dead on the floor. She hardly looked human, because it'd been a full day until anyone realized. all swollen and purple. I registered absolutely no emotion. Around a year later, the grief i should have felt so long ago hit me full force. I think it is a way your mind is trying to protect you.

 

[dreamdoll]

Thanks for all the comments, I really appreciate it. I think I'm going to start cherishing the people who are close to me, rather than expecting and preparing for the worst all the time. After all, I'm glad my main family is still alive and kicking, even though we've all gone our seperate ways and aren't close anymore, I don't want to take them for granted.

Redzer - Losing both parents would be very tough, and at such a young age, it must've been a mighty struggle to get where you are now, at the very least. I just hope you remember there are always people around for support, hopefully you can eleborate on your experiences further with us sometime, if you have the strength. I know how hard it can be to discuss.

coping with the life is the hardest.let the dead bury itself

 

[Cal]

I think thats in the realm of normal. I had to seem my grandmother lying dead on the floor. She hardly looked human, because it'd been a full day until anyone realized. all swollen and purple. I registered absolutely no emotion. Around a year later, the grief i should have felt so long ago hit me full force. I think it is a way your mind is trying to protect you.

It's been five years since a death has occured to someone close to me, but I think you're right, I sometimes get this funny feeling that I'm going to wake up one morning and feel the pain full force. Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Maybe I should just accept that I'm someone who doesnt need to grieve properly, but I tend to think this behaviour is a by-product of my depression... and I don't consider the depression and problems a part of 'me', just a damn ball and chain I'm desperate to throw away.

One day I'm going to seek out a therapist, and hopefully work out these issues, but I just don't feel ready to go through with it right now. ::

 

[sorrow1]

ive just been told my dog of 12years might die anytime soon. at first i was really upset and thinking the worst but now im just taking each day as it comes and really appreciating each day i have with him. its also made me cherish the time i spend with my family even more.

 

[Cal]

ive just been told my dog of 12years might die anytime soon. at first i was really upset and thinking the worst but now im just taking each day as it comes and really appreciating each day i have with him. its also made me cherish the time i spend with my family even more.

I think I understand. Zach, a friend who's 10 years older than I, used to tell me stories about his mother and her battle with cancer, I never met her but I found out she died about a month ago.

What I'm trying to say is, when it's an expected death I think it's more relief than anything else, Zach even admitted this... he had been preparing himself for such a long time, gotta feel sorry for the guy.

 

[sorrow1]

yeah my dog seems to be struggling to find the energy to do anything. its not really a quality of life for a dog and in a way i would like to see his suffering ended but at the same time I want him to be around as long as possible, which i guess is kinda selfish on my part.
still im sorta glad i know because like you said i can prepare for it now and it wont be a complete shock if he goes.

hope ur friend is ok.