Conversations are a mystery to me

[gustavofring]

During social activities with a lot of people, often I don't know what people are laughing and talking about, how they got into a certain topic and how to tap into the conversation. Where do they start? Why does it flow so well? Often my head starts to buzz during crowded meetings in bars, etc., and my mind starts drifting away while feeling that all these people are playing some game I'm not in on. People are talking about their travels to wherever, or their sports, or funny anecdotes, while my mind is somewhere thinking about much grander themes and things, and worrying mostly.

I also get really sensitive to body language, like people aren't looking at me when I try to say something, or give snobby looks. I can't stand the arrogance certain people display in group situations, like hey look at us being popular and noisy. I just freeze up puzzled and annoyed, and get grumpy because I don't think it's worth the effort to mingle with people I have little in common with, and invest little in trying to include me in it.

I honestly don't know what it is. I think part of the reason is that atm I'm living a very sheltered life (been working on a grad project for far too long at home) which has made me socially inadept and I haven't got a lot of interesting things to say. I think if you talk to people on daily basis, you train your assertiveness and easyness with being with lots of people. Sadly, I'm really stuck with finishing this grad project, and it seems like a vicious circle of depression I'm stuck in and that worsens my ability to engage in social situations.

The thing is that with people I know and share a lot of interests with, it flows a lot more naturally and I feel much more comfortable.
Anyway, does anyone know how to train your overall social skills without becoming artificial?

 

[MrJones]

I can't have a conversation with anyone, even if we share interests, it just doesn't flow, as you say, so maybe my advice is not very good, but here it goes.

If with people you know you know already know how to have a conversation because you share common interests, with new people you can try to see what are their interests, get to know each other, and it's not unlikely that you have something in common with them, and then you can start from there.

If the conversation already started, though, I think it just depends on the situation. It requires more social skills than the ones I have to see where you can take part of it, but maybe with practice you can see how to take part of them. I guess that to "train" you just need to go out there and practice

 

[gustavofring]

I can't have a conversation with anyone, even if we share interests, it just doesn't flow, as you say, so maybe my advice is not very good, but here it goes.

If with people you know you know already know how to have a conversation because you share common interests, with new people you can try to see what are their interests, get to know each other, and it's not unlikely that you have something in common with them, and then you can start from there.

If the conversation already started, though, I think it just depends on the situation. It requires more social skills than the ones I have to see where you can take part of it, but maybe with practice you can see how to take part of them. I guess that to "train" you just need to go out there and practice

Believe me I tried that. The thing is that I am into stuff like movies, good shows, animation and art, and I am stuck with roommates who are all not into that sort of thing, or really shallow movies or shows so I just sorta gave up. They're more into partying, sports, etc. The typical college kids.
And because they've sort of grouped together because they have good chemistry, I'm kind of the outsider. They're always going to the gym together, or having dinner, and because I already have the reputation of being the loner, they never try to include me. Or when they do include me it's more out of a sort of planned pity. Like "Aww, we have to ask him too" And whenever someone moves out and there's a room available, they try to get someone who is more like them.

So bottom line, whenever there's an activity planned with all roommates, I always feel like how I described in my first post. I really have to move out from here.

But I'm not sure if that will solve my problem, because it's going to haunt me. There'll always be social situations with people with different interests then me, and I will still have trouble interacting in the group.

 

[coyote]

 

[MrJones]

Of course you need a good relationship with your roomates, but if you just can't get along with them you can try to interact with other people, like your neighbors or something.

Apart from the common interests you can also try to see if you like some of their interests and also if they can like yours, you may be surprised.

Flexibility is also improtant, adaptation. NOT chaning your personality at all, it's not what I'm saying, but you can try to watch a sports match with them (if you haven't already) and see if it's as funny as they say. Also, you can try to show them one of your favourite movies and see if they like it or not.

You have your interests and they have theirs, but maybe you like some of their stuff and they like some of yours, you never know.

Also, if there is a possibility, next time there is a room available try to search for someone faster than them (I know that with some people it's impossible, but if you haven't tried yet, you can do it ).

Btw I think that if it wasn't for "pity invitations" I think I'd have never went out >.>

 

[Feathers]

Can you find other grad students and/or people with your interests?

I'm thinking design/art/film/language/philosophy students maybe? Is there a film/discussion club or such?

Or, you could try to steer it in an interesting way?
For example, I'm NOT interested in sports at all, but I'm interested in healthy living, psychology and motivation, time management, organizing... so I might steer it into those areas: eg, how often do you train, what made you take up the sport, when did you start, how often do you train, what if it rains or what if you don't wanna do it, or if you get an injury etc.
I DO admire sportsy people so I usually tell them that too!

Some 'funny anecdotes' or travel memories are only funny if you've been there lol...
It helps to ask specifics you might be interested in if you eg wanted to go travel to that place (or what you could tell someone else who might want to go there..)
Some people can get really long-winded about the travels, so again, you could steer the conversation into areas that interest you too (eg I'm interested in how people live worldwide, what kind of problems/lifestyle/economy/traditional cultures they might have, or obstacles tourists might encounter, how much it cost to go there etc..) I ask questions to see if it's a place I might wanna go to someday, or could afford to, hehe...

Basically, you ask yourself: what's interesting about this person/conversation.. For me, I like to find out what makes a person 'tick', what interests them, what they like doing... And usually people like to talk about those things very much!!
(Sometimes you do need to be subtle a bit, or change topics, or sometimes you just need to be very blunt and direct too! lol!)

 

[Moa]

Can you find other grad students and/or people with your interests?

I'm thinking design/art/film/language/philosophy students maybe? Is there a film/discussion club or such?

Definitely do this! It is so much easier to meet people when you are still in school. Take advantage of the opportunity it gives you, even if you feel like you might not like it or won't have time or whatever other excuse your brain throws at you. Seriously, it will be worth it.