Constructing a Self

[chris11]

Hey guys. 'Building' a self idenity, if at all possible, is a difficult task to beggin with. After having severe anxiety and depression, the task becomes even worse. Indeed, I came to the realization that I had to discard virtually all of the thoughts that I had about myself over the previous years of my life due to the fact that they were created by a mind that was completly different-a mind in constant and irrational fear. This realization was, to me, absolutly horrifying. I had no self idenitity. How do you construct a self idenitity after that? How do you reconcile years of anxiety with a now non-existant self concept?Is this even possible? Of course, I still had goals of one sort or anouther, but something was missing. These were important questions. Ultimatly, I came to the conclusion that, if at all possible, we mine as well just try to construct ourselves in whatever is most convinent for us, and revise as life progresses.

Unfortunatly, this isn't the easiest thing to do, and we're not exactly starting from nothing. What else is self idenity other than a useful fiction? It's slippery busness.

Yes, I can't spell-but I don't care.

What are your thoughts?
Have you experianced this?

 

[CosmicNeurotica]

No, I know exactly what you mean.
It's an identity crisis. When we feel we can be anyone, and get along with everyone, but at the same time so obsessively observant of everything, it's impossible to be yourself.
Then the question becomes who is yourself?
Do you really know you?
I think I do. But the you YOU know, and the you others know is different, and you're probably aware of that. Which makes it that much more difficult to discern who you really are.

I don't think there is a way to construct yourself.
I think, in the end, happiness is the key. If you can learn to be happy, whatever you become and whoever you are makes no difference.

It's in this life of denial and construct and criticism that we judge ourselves.
In the real world, it doesn't matter. Just be ourselves. But who are we really if all we think about is who we are?

 

[harlseq]

I get the feeling you don't like who you are and so you're in despair about what made you that way and how you can possibly go about making it better or at least different...

In my opinion, you can't escape who you are and what you've become... you can't start fresh when it comes to a personal identity, you can only add on to and try to modify what you've already got. You can't "build" an identity... because it's not something that you are in control of... it's something that happens to you as much as it is something that you make happen.

I'm a work in progress myself so I'm not here to offer any real answers, just maybe some little bit of insight for whatever it's worth.

 

[Minty]

This sounds weird, but the little things help. I recently changed my account picture on my computer to an actual picture of myself. I realized I never use pictures of myself or my name because I have identity issues. But seeing it on a regular basis has made it easier.

Just acknowledge you in a positive light as often as possible until you're comfortable with yourself. Once you're there, you can take a step back to avoid getting full of yourself.

 

[theslowesthand]

Hi. I've been down this road a quite few times over the past 20 years or so. I think possibly that depression & what-not actually alters this "problem", such that you "can't see forest for the trees". That is, i found that the more i thought about it (& stuff in general), the less I was able to comprehend the "problem" of self-identity, if that makes any sense.

I can't recall all the various startegies i tried, but one or two were:
- Writing on a sheet of paper all words that seemed "me"
- Writing a list of activities that seemed to be "me"
- Writing a list of personal traits that seemed to be "me"

The thing is, at the time of my "identity crises", they just didn't seem to have any affect. It's like they were just blank words, of forgotten memories of "me" - they weren't me, just words, that's all. Maybe it was the depression that was causing me to "lose my memories" of who i was, or something (sort of like schizophrenia/dementia/etc).
In other words, you might have to be currently experiencing your "self-identity" for it to be (& feel) "right".

I think a good place to start, would be to be to find things that you can experience every day, that are "who you are". And I know that you feel that you don't know who you are, and that is true, but only at your conscious mind level. There are things that are "truly you" that other parts of your being only knows about, and this is especially true if you've been repressing stuff ("living a lie"). It's pretty scary stuff, trying to "re-create" one's self-identity. And its complicated. But it gets easier once you start. And as i said, the "problem" seems to change according to your mental/emotional state you're in (or it did for me).

So if you want some ROCK-SOLID things to fall back on, self-identity-wise, I would recommend Astrology, Numerology, & such. The aspects that they mention, are those things that were SET IN STONE from the moment you were born, and NEVER CHANGE for your whole life. They are about your true nature (ie who you really are), both inwards and outwards. I tell you, if you find some genuine sources of Astrology/etc, as i have done, they will be BANG ON - you will be amazed at how much they can tell you about yourself.

You talk of having had screwed-up thoughts/beliefs about people your whole life. Me too. I am allowing those thoughts/beliefs to gradually change over time. I don't really think it's a good idea to go into this with a somewhat "gung-ho" approach, as it's not natural or healthy to try to change such stuff rapidly. Just "go easy" with it all, and any changes will manifest in their own right time.

 

[SadCassie]

it's funny...for me social anxiety doesn't make me depressed, and I have never questioned who I am. My sense of self is so strong. In fact I think who I am is what makes others turn away from me. I am one of those types who masks anxiety in public with over animation and loud opinions.

 

[Waybuloo]

Hey guys. 'Building' a self idenity, if at all possible, is a difficult task to beggin with. After having severe anxiety and depression, the task becomes even worse. Indeed, I came to the realization that I had to discard virtually all of the thoughts that I had about myself over the previous years of my life due to the fact that they were created by a mind that was completly different-a mind in constant and irrational fear. This realization was, to me, absolutly horrifying. I had no self idenitity. How do you construct a self idenitity after that? How do you reconcile years of anxiety with a now non-existant self concept?Is this even possible? Of course, I still had goals of one sort or anouther, but something was missing. These were important questions. Ultimatly, I came to the conclusion that, if at all possible, we mine as well just try to construct ourselves in whatever is most convinent for us, and revise as life progresses.

Unfortunatly, this isn't the easiest thing to do, and we're not exactly starting from nothing. What else is self idenity other than a useful fiction? It's slippery busness.

Yes, I can't spell-but I don't care.

What are your thoughts?
Have you experianced this?

I was diagnosed by a consultant psychiatrist as having no or little self identity, among other things. I can identify with you because I feel hollow and empty inside. I have to gauge other people's reactions and thoughts to construct mine, mainly for the benefit of appearing 'normal'. I have no idea really of what my values are (I think my upbringing was lacking in terms of instilling a value system in me, as a child), my opinions can fluctuate from one end to another on a spectrum depending on my mood and whether I'd like to play the devil's advocate. A decision can be made by playing mini mini myni mo, rather than by based on what I believe. So, although I have certain likes and dislikes in hobbies, interests, what's on TV etc, I have no sense of self, a solid foundation inside my body if you will, to guide me along the path of life.

I think a sense of the self starts to form from when we are about 2, because that's when toddlers notice themselves in relation to others. The develop their esteem, confidence, and social skills from then on. I don't think you can have an identity or construct in a vacuum, ie, isolated from others. Hence for someoen wiht social anxiety/phobia from a young age, it's hard to develop the self. Whether that is possible later on in life, I don't know, but it can't hurt to try.

Being a mother made me more aware of the need to look after someone else other than me, and more aware of my maternal and emotional side, and I am starting to liek that about me. I feel like a more 3 dimensional person. Sometiems when I feel strongly about something on TV, such as political issues or starving children and neglected animals, I do feel a pain inside and I also think that helps myself to be aware and hence be more rounded an individual, rather than just a hollow person engulfed by fear. So I think the answer might be to expose yourself to as many experiences as possible. Sometimes life might take you down a road that scares the hell out of you, but go with the flow, not against it, and learn from things, after all that's what people who didn't have social phobia had to do since they were children.

Also what my therapist said to me struck me as simple but profound. She said that inside me is a baby, a seed that needs love and nurture, and safety, to grow and flourish, but growing it was not possible because of the fear and the wall I put up to protect it. So it might be that your fear and negative emotions are so great, you cannot reach the little potential inside of you. She also described my life as a camera lense through which I experience the world, but it has muck and dirt on it so i cannot see clearly. But underneath there is the pure, clear lense. So whatever you are underneath, it is there. You just need ot find and feel it, and help it grow.

 

[theslowesthand]

Maybe there's 2 or 3 or more selves?
1) Inner
2) Outer - alone (usu at home)
3) Outer - with others (I probably have just a minimal with-others self, as personality was repressed/supressed all throughout my younghood; so i have had to "work out" logically how to deal with many people situations (so that i don't feel bad), and am still doing now, in my late 30s)

4) The Real/True self - free of the false ego
Of course, one can go "deeper" with all of this self-identity stuff, even deeper than "Inner". All of these are still based on the "ego mind", that is, the self-identity is based on objects, experiences, thoughts, feelings and such (ie one "identifies" with those things which one believes "represents" or "is" them). When (or if) one reaches in life, a certain degree of "spirituality", the person realizes the "Who am I" that they really are, which doesn't rely on any "external props" for its survival. Apparently, this state of being ego-less, is experienced by every person just before they die, regardless of the state of consciousness they attained during their life. And I suppose when you're born as well.

Edit: I know see what this topic is about!. It's actually about the "around-others self", not these other selves i have mentioned. Got wrong-end-of-the-stick, again ::

 

[R3K]

i see where you're going with this topic. i've spent about 95% of my life up until this point just playing social defense, that i have no idea what the F i'm supposed to do other than that lately. i'm not curred of the SA, but i've made some good progress, and my perspective on things has changed a great deal. i feel like i can actually get something out of life and maybe fulfill that once inconceivable dream of happiness and contentment--blah blah.

but i get what you're saying... i look back at what i've been through, how i acted and dodged and ducked and hid from everything up to this point and i think wow. how do i construct my self, my identity from here? what the hell am i? i feel like i'm recovering from a 29 year coma. what do i tell people i meet now? that i was psychologically damaged up until 2 years ago, that the last three decades were just bleh and don't really count? if someone said "were you born yesterday?", i could actually say yes. and mean it::.

 

[Waybuloo]

i see where you're going with this topic. i've spent about 95% of my life up until this point just playing social defense, that i have no idea what the F i'm supposed to do other than that lately. i'm not curred of the SA, but i've made some good progress, and my perspective on things has changed a great deal. i feel like i can actually get something out of life and maybe fulfill that once inconceivable dream of happiness and contentment--blah blah.

but i get what you're saying... i look back at what i've been through, how i acted and dodged and ducked and hid from everything up to this point and i think wow. how do i construct my self, my identity from here? what the hell am i? i feel like i'm recovering from a 29 year coma. what do i tell people i meet now? that i was psychologically damaged up until 2 years ago, that the last three decades were just bleh and don't really count? if someone said "were you born yesterday?", i could actually say yes. and mean it::.

You still have so many decades. Still it's better than being dead and never born. At least being alive, you can get what the hell you want out of life and end it if you so wish (when extremely desperate). There's always a way out, but if you were never born, you never had the chance. There's still so much time for you to learn and develop yourself.