fl00b
New member
Ok so, I've never been what anybody would call 'popular' or 'muchly liked'
At primary school, I was constantly 'on and off' with people, meaning one day I'd be friends with someone but the next I'd be sitting on my own. This made me very 'clingy' in terms of friends, meaning I'd get easily upset when my best friend sat next to someone else.
I used to constantly get called names because of my weight when I was defined as an average weight. I then started to put weight on as the bullying used to get to me, making them call me even more names. When I moved to high school, I made a small group of friends.
I was known as the 'weird child' as I was more bouncy and hyper than everybody else. This is where my low self esteem began to develop. The 'clinginess' came back in, meaning that I was eventually left with nobody. Whenever I used to sit next to somebody, they'd move away. I used to go home every night crying to my mom, so she was constantly on the phone to my head of year asking them to sort it out.
The situation did eventually sort itself out in year 8. I eventually realised that I had to change, or I'd face a lonely life. I let people walk over me, just so I'd be liked. This plan obviously fell flat on it's face as these girls used me, and I lost my assertiveness just so I'd be liked. This then led me to be bullied, people used to steal my things (went in my pockets to steal my locker keys which were then thrown in the bin), laugh at me behind my back, call me names and even led to things such as kicking my locker in.
I then befriended a girl named Sophie who was also being bullied. We was very wary of each other at first, but then began to form a friendship. I then went on to re-befriend the girls in year 7 I was close with in year 9. These girls then became my best friends up until year 11, I felt no matter who I was around, I could be myself and I was liked for it. I was loud, talkative, would say whatever I was thinking + I could make people laugh quite a lot. I was never afraid to be myself, and if people didn't like it: to hell with them. I wasn't going to change just to please them.
During year 10, even though I was only 14 I was the victim of 2 emotional abusive relationships, within weeks of one another; the first one being worst than the other. The whole thing was based on my weight. If I didn't lose a certain amount of weight in a week, he'd 'punish' me. These punishments started off as being as mild as not seeing him of the weekend, but then they got worse and worse. I was forced to make myself throw up on webcam to him by sticking my fingers at the back of my throat, carve the word 'fat' into my arm etc. He even got people to spy on me at school to ensure I wasn't eating. All through this relationship I was contantly told how fat and ugly I was, and that nobody else would want me. He also told me to cut off from my friends as he 'didn't like them'. I followed his orders, blanking them.
The relationship ended when one night I was talking to him via video call on msn. Things were going amazing, and then out of the blue he asked what was on my bed. "A belt" I replied. He then said "tie it around the top of your bed, and go hang yourself." I laughed at first, but he remained serious and prompted me to do it infront of him. Having such a low self esteem, that night I attempted to hang myself. He got scared and switched off. Being terrified that my four poster bed could not support my weight, the suicide failed. My mom heard me in tears, so I only told her half the story that 'a boy had called me fat'. She then did the whole "Well what have I been saying to you, you've needed to lose some weight for sometime." I then got shouted at for letting myself get upset over it. I didn't sleep one bit that night, I just sat there crying on the floor until my alarm clock went off for school the next morning.
The same thing happened a few weeks later. My self esteem was slowly beginning to build itself up again. When a boy said I was cute, I fell instantly for him. He then said we should meet up so I said ok then. He asked me out before we met up, which I was exstatic about. When we met up, he told me how ugly I was to my face, followed by a few other comments about my weight. I left early because I didn't want to feel a burden on him. When I got home I was greeted by my angry mother, shouting at me telling me how useless I was because I hadn't cleaned my bedroom. I can't remember anything from that bit. My mom found me a few hours later on my bedroom floor with a knife in my hand, my arm cut to shreds. She then freaked out saying that I was a freak because I self harmed. About half an hour or so later, she came up to me with a cup of tea, sat me down at the kitchen table and tried to find out why I was doing these things. I remember refusing to tell her about the past 2 months and blamed it on how she was pressuring me to get good grades in my GCSE's. And how her and my dad constantly argueing at work, then her coming back home and trying to start an arguement with me and my little sister over something minor was not helping.
In the middle of year 11, our school went on a ski trip with a scottish school in which we shared everything with; coach, ski groups, hotel etc. As my best friend had pulled out of the ski trip a few weeks earlier due to an emergency family thing in India, I didn't really know anybody on this trip therefore I was mainly sat on my own. Besides the 6th formers, I was one of the oldest there and I made friends really quickly with the younger year 8's and 9's. I also got close to one of the boys from the scottish school who's friend had also pulled out therefore he was on his own aswell, and on the way back we ended up sitting next to one another on the coach. We stayed in contact and a few months later, despite him living in Glasgow and me living in Birmingham; we got together and still to this day we are together.
I then left my high school at the end of year 11 to start 6th form somewhere else, leaving all my best friends behind. I didn't know anybody at all there. I began to follow a group of girls around who then began to accept me as their friend. I never really spoke that much, if someone asked me something I'd think my answer over and over again trying to sound as normal as I could, but I could never bring myself to be myself. I was always worried I'd lose them, whenever they asked me to do something I did it. This started off as little as bringing them back a glass of water when I went up to get one, but then led up to them doing things such as ordering me to send them their homework, food and drinks etc. I followed what they told me to do, as I had no feelings of assertiveness whatsoever. I did start to get fed up with it, and it showed. The girl I was most scared of told me to get her a glass of water. I told her to 'get it your bloody self'. She then gasped and chucked her friend's glass of water over me. She then started laughing, and I let out a slight smile because I didn't know what else to do. She then went and bitched out me both behind my back and to my face. I then was forced to move places in class, sitting on my own. The teachers got involved and so did my mom. I began to miss days off school because I hated it that much. I was so far behind in my work and because I always felt down due to these school experiences whilst dealing with a long distance relationship, I never did my homework which got me so far behind at school.
My mom was called in for a meeting to discuss this. All the teachers think I'm not bothered which is why I'm not doing the work. They think I'm over reacting with the incident that happened at school and that I should find myself some new friends, but it's really not that simple. My boyfriend came down to see me the other week and these effects were beginning to show through. Normally I can be my absolute self around him but I just couldn't bring myself to do that, so I just stayed quiet and let out a small giggle everytime he said something.
Can anyone explain what's going on? This really isn't like me. I feel as if I can't talk to anybody because they don't understand what it's like. I feel like sitting down and crying all the time because I feel so alone. Everytime I try to go out into the world and talk to someone, it's like there's a mental block saying "don't say anything, they're only going to think you're weird" I just really want to be like I was back in year 11: Funny, outgoing, talkative etc. rather than the emotional, scared, weird thing I am now. I can't talk to anyone close about it; my mom, my boyfriend, my friends etc. they just don't understand.
At primary school, I was constantly 'on and off' with people, meaning one day I'd be friends with someone but the next I'd be sitting on my own. This made me very 'clingy' in terms of friends, meaning I'd get easily upset when my best friend sat next to someone else.
I used to constantly get called names because of my weight when I was defined as an average weight. I then started to put weight on as the bullying used to get to me, making them call me even more names. When I moved to high school, I made a small group of friends.
I was known as the 'weird child' as I was more bouncy and hyper than everybody else. This is where my low self esteem began to develop. The 'clinginess' came back in, meaning that I was eventually left with nobody. Whenever I used to sit next to somebody, they'd move away. I used to go home every night crying to my mom, so she was constantly on the phone to my head of year asking them to sort it out.
The situation did eventually sort itself out in year 8. I eventually realised that I had to change, or I'd face a lonely life. I let people walk over me, just so I'd be liked. This plan obviously fell flat on it's face as these girls used me, and I lost my assertiveness just so I'd be liked. This then led me to be bullied, people used to steal my things (went in my pockets to steal my locker keys which were then thrown in the bin), laugh at me behind my back, call me names and even led to things such as kicking my locker in.
I then befriended a girl named Sophie who was also being bullied. We was very wary of each other at first, but then began to form a friendship. I then went on to re-befriend the girls in year 7 I was close with in year 9. These girls then became my best friends up until year 11, I felt no matter who I was around, I could be myself and I was liked for it. I was loud, talkative, would say whatever I was thinking + I could make people laugh quite a lot. I was never afraid to be myself, and if people didn't like it: to hell with them. I wasn't going to change just to please them.
During year 10, even though I was only 14 I was the victim of 2 emotional abusive relationships, within weeks of one another; the first one being worst than the other. The whole thing was based on my weight. If I didn't lose a certain amount of weight in a week, he'd 'punish' me. These punishments started off as being as mild as not seeing him of the weekend, but then they got worse and worse. I was forced to make myself throw up on webcam to him by sticking my fingers at the back of my throat, carve the word 'fat' into my arm etc. He even got people to spy on me at school to ensure I wasn't eating. All through this relationship I was contantly told how fat and ugly I was, and that nobody else would want me. He also told me to cut off from my friends as he 'didn't like them'. I followed his orders, blanking them.
The relationship ended when one night I was talking to him via video call on msn. Things were going amazing, and then out of the blue he asked what was on my bed. "A belt" I replied. He then said "tie it around the top of your bed, and go hang yourself." I laughed at first, but he remained serious and prompted me to do it infront of him. Having such a low self esteem, that night I attempted to hang myself. He got scared and switched off. Being terrified that my four poster bed could not support my weight, the suicide failed. My mom heard me in tears, so I only told her half the story that 'a boy had called me fat'. She then did the whole "Well what have I been saying to you, you've needed to lose some weight for sometime." I then got shouted at for letting myself get upset over it. I didn't sleep one bit that night, I just sat there crying on the floor until my alarm clock went off for school the next morning.
The same thing happened a few weeks later. My self esteem was slowly beginning to build itself up again. When a boy said I was cute, I fell instantly for him. He then said we should meet up so I said ok then. He asked me out before we met up, which I was exstatic about. When we met up, he told me how ugly I was to my face, followed by a few other comments about my weight. I left early because I didn't want to feel a burden on him. When I got home I was greeted by my angry mother, shouting at me telling me how useless I was because I hadn't cleaned my bedroom. I can't remember anything from that bit. My mom found me a few hours later on my bedroom floor with a knife in my hand, my arm cut to shreds. She then freaked out saying that I was a freak because I self harmed. About half an hour or so later, she came up to me with a cup of tea, sat me down at the kitchen table and tried to find out why I was doing these things. I remember refusing to tell her about the past 2 months and blamed it on how she was pressuring me to get good grades in my GCSE's. And how her and my dad constantly argueing at work, then her coming back home and trying to start an arguement with me and my little sister over something minor was not helping.
In the middle of year 11, our school went on a ski trip with a scottish school in which we shared everything with; coach, ski groups, hotel etc. As my best friend had pulled out of the ski trip a few weeks earlier due to an emergency family thing in India, I didn't really know anybody on this trip therefore I was mainly sat on my own. Besides the 6th formers, I was one of the oldest there and I made friends really quickly with the younger year 8's and 9's. I also got close to one of the boys from the scottish school who's friend had also pulled out therefore he was on his own aswell, and on the way back we ended up sitting next to one another on the coach. We stayed in contact and a few months later, despite him living in Glasgow and me living in Birmingham; we got together and still to this day we are together.
I then left my high school at the end of year 11 to start 6th form somewhere else, leaving all my best friends behind. I didn't know anybody at all there. I began to follow a group of girls around who then began to accept me as their friend. I never really spoke that much, if someone asked me something I'd think my answer over and over again trying to sound as normal as I could, but I could never bring myself to be myself. I was always worried I'd lose them, whenever they asked me to do something I did it. This started off as little as bringing them back a glass of water when I went up to get one, but then led up to them doing things such as ordering me to send them their homework, food and drinks etc. I followed what they told me to do, as I had no feelings of assertiveness whatsoever. I did start to get fed up with it, and it showed. The girl I was most scared of told me to get her a glass of water. I told her to 'get it your bloody self'. She then gasped and chucked her friend's glass of water over me. She then started laughing, and I let out a slight smile because I didn't know what else to do. She then went and bitched out me both behind my back and to my face. I then was forced to move places in class, sitting on my own. The teachers got involved and so did my mom. I began to miss days off school because I hated it that much. I was so far behind in my work and because I always felt down due to these school experiences whilst dealing with a long distance relationship, I never did my homework which got me so far behind at school.
My mom was called in for a meeting to discuss this. All the teachers think I'm not bothered which is why I'm not doing the work. They think I'm over reacting with the incident that happened at school and that I should find myself some new friends, but it's really not that simple. My boyfriend came down to see me the other week and these effects were beginning to show through. Normally I can be my absolute self around him but I just couldn't bring myself to do that, so I just stayed quiet and let out a small giggle everytime he said something.
Can anyone explain what's going on? This really isn't like me. I feel as if I can't talk to anybody because they don't understand what it's like. I feel like sitting down and crying all the time because I feel so alone. Everytime I try to go out into the world and talk to someone, it's like there's a mental block saying "don't say anything, they're only going to think you're weird" I just really want to be like I was back in year 11: Funny, outgoing, talkative etc. rather than the emotional, scared, weird thing I am now. I can't talk to anyone close about it; my mom, my boyfriend, my friends etc. they just don't understand.
