Comparing yourself to others

[KiaKaha]

Yes thats right...the classic self esteem killer. Any idea how to stop thinking this way because its a BIG problem for me. I know just how bad it is to think this way, but I just cant help it.

I feel that if I am not the best at everything then I am nothing. I see other guys and see how much "better" they are than me. Talller, better looking, stronger, more eloquent, more refined, more intelligent, more successful and likeable etc etc, and it makes me feel like that I just dont match up and that people arent going to like me because they know that they can find people who are (through my eyes) "better"

I have read that some people who do this drive themselves forward to become the things that they think they are not, and while I do in some cases, I am somewhat limited (genetically mostly) in the things that I think are important.

I am quite slender and I work out a lot because to me being skinny is "unacceptable" - as an example... but most of the time, I just crumble and give up on myself...and end up feeling useless as a result.

Anyone else have this kind of problem? Any tips..?

 

[Blabla..]

i deal with the same issues but i don't have any answers , i guess you have to accept it , we just gotta learn to be less superficial

 

[MrJones]

I don't have any answers, but I know what you mean.

Some others may be better and some others may be worse, but I see them all as better than me.

 

[Srijita52]

I have the same problem too. One thing that somewhat helps me is reminding myself that I'm doing my best (or trying to do) and that's all I can do. Some people will always be better than me but that's okay, we all have our weeknesses. I can't be best at everything. I have to be contented with my limitations.

 

[Dead_on_Arrival]

I understand just how you feel. Like the others said, there is no real answer to this. The best thing is to try and ignore the thoughts or repress them in some way. I don't watch much TV because I think 'I could be that actor' or 'I could do what they are doing'. And it doesn't matter what it is, I get depressed that I'm not doing these things. Even sports. I wanted to be a footballer growing up and I was good at it but got overlooked, and now when I watch it all I think is that should be me.
The one thing my therapist showed me that I use in most situations is mindful meditation. I'll post something on here for you when I get back to my computer that really works for me.

 

[KiaKaha]

Thanks. It is something that i think is fundamental to my healing as a person. I was reading an excerpt in a book I have just before, and I think its a cycle because when I do shape up or I see someone not as "good" as me then it makes me feel better about myself.

God I sound like such a superficial jerk sometimes..

Anyway, yes thank you, anything you have, or any insights anyone has is most appreciated. I cant work on my SA until I feel good about who I am. I know that this problem is closely tied to self acceptance. Appreciate the feedback.

 

[MikeyC]

Oh, dude. I know what you mean. I compare myself to my best friend a lot, and that's not good. He has his own place, a better car, a higher paying job, a more relaxing job, better social life, a larger group of friends, more money, slimmer, and his confidence and self-esteem are through the roof. When I think about him in that sense I feel absolutely, positively worthless.

Yet, he's my best friend.

He's a horrible dancer, though.

 

[Ms Cloud]

Life can be more or less competitive depending on the particular society that you're born into. If you were born in ancient Sparta, for instance, you may have been forced to compete whether you wanted to or not (that is, if you weren't killed at birth for being a less than perfect baby).

In other words, some cultures are more into racial superiority than others. In which case, weak people are seen as a liability to the collective goals and are pressured into obscurity (think of the hikikomori in Japan, for instance). However a lot of modern cultures are more individualistic than that, allowing people to follow their own goals to some extent. There's still a lot of competition amongst individuals, but the important difference is that you don't have to compete if you don't want to. You're allowed to be who you are, and pursue your own goals, to the extent that you're able. There will always be a certain amount of pressure on you to be a model citizen, but that's collectivist thinking and you don't have to follow it if you're more of an individualist.

Point is... if your society allows you to be an individual, with only a small amount of pressure to conform to collective ideals, consider yourself unbelievably lucky. You have a chance to live your own life. SO many people don't get that, at all.

I don't know if I'm explaining myself properly, Kiwi, but this is basically how I think and I can tell you that I never, ever compare myself to others. At all. I am my own person, and my god I feel lucky that I can be that way.

 

[mikebird]

I'm somewhere between lucky and unlucky. I believe luck decides how life goes for everyone, and the effort made is pretty close to meaningless.

I came from a working class family in England, and my parents have been the stupidest people I've ever met. That is a very significant comparison. The rest of my siblings' layer of family (a lot of them) are always smiling & laughing, and it's right to say that none of them ever encountered any problems. All children and grandchildren of my siblings (through various marriages) have everything provided by their parents, and I don't know if any of them work, and I don't think they'll have to, even after their parents are dead.

I was glad to get away from all that kind of virtual class I can't understand, and deal with real life by myself.

Just about every person I know, beyond my family, perhaps even less than 25% of them do any work, and the rest either can't or, specifically don't want to! Everyone I know smokes tobacco, apart from me, and I see that as a diabolical neglect of health. I wonder if smoking could have given me the social punch which I lack?

Surrounded mostly by non-working people, living in somewhat squalid conditions, seem happier than I am! They just don't care. They wake up sometime late in the afternoon, and stay awake until the small hours, drinking, et al.

I wish I could find a type of group I could fit in with

 

[YellowBird]

I don't even want to be like them,if I didn't like what I am I wouldn't be me,except for my face I wish it was different,sometimes I'm okay with it,but when I go out and see other girls I'm like 'omg omg I wish I had her face',I hate the way they dress,now with my logic that I'm at home in my comfort zone,when I'm outside again and I'm surrounded by bimbos with hair extentions and a pile of makeup and revealing clothes,I'm going to feel bad,even though I clearly despise those type.Just like I would never be attracted towards a man of that type,a musclely air-headed metrosexual,I don't think men I like would be attracted to those women.

 

[JJB]

I to suffer with this issue and it's difficult to understand how to beat it. Slightly different in that I suffer from rheumatoid arthritis and do have physical limitations, yet I always compare myself to others who do not have the disease. It's a bad move, and something that's affected by confidence and esteem.

I think (I'm still trying to beat this myself) you have to look at who you are. After all you are unique and comparing yourself to others is an attempt to copy who they are if that sort of makes any sense. Guess it doesn't, hell I'm in the same boat. ��

 

[Invisibleman]

Yes ive always had this issue. Its especially prominent when it comes to the girl I like liking another guy. I look at the other guy and think hes so much better looking, funny, athletic, social, and overall likeable, why would she choose me over him kinda thing. As others I dont really have an answer,I just wish I could stop doing it and be less superficial.

 

[vj288]

4) They compare themselves to others- Comparing yourself to others is probably the best way to decrease your self-esteem. It is one of the worst and most damaging things you can do and it has very serious consequences on your well being. Now that you know this decide never to compare yourself to others. Just worry about your own progress and stop looking at other people.

This is a problem for many, and i by letting yourself to continue to do so can really hold you back. The only real way to not do it is to just not do it. I know that doesn't sound helpful, but when you recognize that you are comparing yourself, just stop. Think of something else.

 

[man on the hill]

This is deffinatly one of my many "problems", comparing myself to others. It feels like sometimes I do it 24/7 and it feels like Im just digging a deep, dark hole for myself that I cant climb out of. To be a little more specific, I constantly compare myself to my two brothers, who are actually better than me at almost everything that I can think of. It has kind of drove me apart from them in the last several years cause anytime I would hang out or do stuff with em I always felt so awkward, like a loser who didnt even fit in with them. It seems like everyday they are moving forward in life and I feel like im moving backwards. And this might sound a bit weird, but feeling and thinking this way for so long I think has actually affected me physically. I used to love doing mechanic type work on engines and cars and stuff and used to be really good at it. Now it feels like I have no clue what Im doing when I have to work on or fix something like that. its hard to explain, but it feels like I have forgot all that I used to know and its like im starting from scratch trying to learn everything I use to know and do.

 

[MikeyC]

Its especially prominent when it comes to the girl I like liking another guy. I look at the other guy and think hes so much better looking, funny, athletic, social, and overall likeable, why would she choose me over him kinda thing.

This must hurt really much. ::

 

[KiaKaha]

Point is... if your society allows you to be an individual, with only a small amount of pressure to conform to collective ideals, consider yourself unbelievably lucky. You have a chance to live your own life. SO many people don't get that, at all.

You are right, I understand that. When I think like that I know how unbelievably lucky I am to exist, without going hungry, or to live in a relatively safe society, or to have the freedom to be who I want to be. Sometimes when I think about how far worse off some other people are, I feel like an ungrateful fool. Where do I get off complaining that I am not good enough when there are people who right now are being oppressed simply because of the body that they were born into.

Everyone has been really helpful and kind with their experiences and insight. The truth is though, I cant help thinking this way. Unless there is some kind of... method, to retrain how I think... (or that I always get what I want..which is obviously the most sensible solution..ahem) then my lack of social skills and general unhappiness will always remain.

I dont think there really is an answer. Perhaps I will come across self acceptance as I continue to stumble through life.

 

[Srijita52]

You are right, I understand that. When I think like that I know how unbelievably lucky I am to exist, without going hungry, or to live in a relatively safe society, or to have the freedom to be who I want to be. Sometimes when I think about how far worse off some other people are, I feel like an ungrateful fool. Where do I get off complaining that I am not good enough when there are people who right now are being oppressed simply because of the body that they were born into.

Everyone has been really helpful and kind with their experiences and insight. The truth is though, I cant help thinking this way. Unless there is some kind of... method, to retrain how I think... (or that I always get what I want..which is obviously the most sensible solution..ahem) then my lack of social skills and general unhappiness will always remain.

I dont think there really is an answer. Perhaps I will stumble across self acceptance as I continue to stumble through life.

I know how you feel, I'm like this too. I agree, there's no solution unless we truly feel contented. But its okay, we can still function feeling like this. I guess the best thing is not to let these feelings out or stop us from doing what we want.

 

[Ms Cloud]

I dont think there really is an answer. Perhaps I will come across self acceptance as I continue to stumble through life.

You need to discover your own unique sense of identity (sorry for the lecturing tone-- it's not a lecture, I'm just throwing ideas around). Comparing yourself to others would be a positive, motivational influence, if your true identity was similar to theirs, deep down. In that case, emulating them would make you feel good. You'd see them as role models, rather than people who are simply "better" than you.

If you had a more clear sense of your own identity, then you could look for more appropriate people to emulate. Don't do it the other way round-- don't try to define your identity by emulating whoever happens to be in your field of vision.

Don't think of self-acceptance, think more of self-discovery. You can't accept your self until you've actually discovered your self. And self-discovery is not something that happens overnight, especially for the more "unique" among us. It takes time, and some trial and error. There are things that can help, but it's a matter of opinion and I don't want to look like I'm selling anything. But you can always PM me if you want to chat more on the subject.