below average looks = social phobia?

[angelburnz]

Does anyone else here have social phobia due to insecurities about your looks or anything related to your physical appearance?

For me, it's hard to face society because everywhere I go I feel like poeple are staring at me because I look "weird" or "ugly". And I'm not just saying this because I'm mental. I know for a fact it's true because I've heard people - expecially guys - whisper to their friends about how ugly I am behind my back. I'm not deformed or anything, just ugly according to many people...I was teased in high school, and stared at...

It kind of sucks because if I wasn't so ugly there are so many things I would be doing right now rather than just sit alone at home...

.......

 

[Hard-Boiled]

I can't say I'll be able to offer you any comfort, but I feel the way you do constantly. Although for me, it may lean more towards that of me being a mental head case.

From the time I was a kid up until I turned 18, I always buzz cut my hair (long story short, my parents never took me to a barbershop and didn't care much about my happiness :roll. I never really thought much of it as a kid. But one day I decided I wanted to get a real haircut and let my hair grow. I was very satisfied with how I looked. After my first haircut, my parents still gave me a hard time about how I spent so much time styling it, and how I was looking like a "thug" or a "gangster." FYI it was simply a taper cut, shaved on the sides and faded to a short top, so I never understood why I was a "thug" all of a sudden. If anything it was a short standard military hairstyle.

Not to be conceited or anything, but for the first time in my life, I discovered that I was quite handsome. I was never "ugly" but I just never knew how good looking I could be. However, it did not really offer any radical change in my social awkwardness. It helped people notice me, but they still felt an inexplicable uneasiness when I interact with them.

But as quickly as I chanced upon what little glimmer of joy I'd ever experienced in my life thus far, I soon saw it fade away quite non-metaphorically. Through a cruel twist of fate, I was the one who inherited my father's male pattern baldness gene at the ripe old age of 20 (he didn't start losing his hair until he was 30). As my hairline started to recede, my new found confidence did so as well. It worsened over a period of about a year, until I finally accepted my fate. I went back to shaving my head. But it was like that guy in that one Twilight Zone episode who had all eternity to read books in peace and then breaking his glasses.

So although I'm not exactly ugly, I just feel I no longer fulfill my potential as to how I could look like but can't anymore. I feel like I lost (or still losing) a part of me. Like people who've lost a limb, but to a lesser extent. If you understood how superficial I am, you'd understand how it feels like I lost a limb. I jest of course.

But now I have days where I'll say, "Fuck it" this is me. I just have to deal with it. Then I'll go outside and see someone smirk at me, and I just know that they're judging me, mocking me, forming opinions about me. Even though I know better, it doesn't change the fact that it bothers me.

So here I am ranting about it on the interweb. Perhaps offering hope to all the other losers out there who don't have receding hairlines. Just kidding...

Or am I?

 

[Hard-Boiled]

Oh yeah I forgot. I guess the "moral" of my story is, "Looks aren't everything, so don't let it stop you." Something I myself, have yet to learn and accept.

 

[Higolo]

TBH, my anxiety makes me insecure about my looks. Not the other way around.

 

[pjam76]

looks

While everybody has their own taste and style, there are just certain people who are considered "beautiful."

Very few people would think Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt are ugly... In fact, must people think of them as two of the most beautiful people in the world...

Yeah everybody thinks of looks in different ways, but the fact is, some people will get by in life because most people think of them as beautiful. I don't fault somebody for taking advantage of this.

The other factor is, regardless of how one looks, most people don't believe they the best looking person in the world, class, college, job, high school, whatever....Yes, there are those that think they are better than everybody else in every single way, but most people, SA or non SA, aren't like that. So everybody has their good days and bad days.

I don't think SA or SP comes from being avg to below avg looking, but it sure won't help somebody if they aren't the the greatest looking and think of themselves as worse than that.

I think a guy who is below avg looking, has SA or SP, and thinks of himself in many negative ways will have a lot harder time than a female in the same situation.

Many guys will walk up to, date, talk to quiet females.. Many guys will date avg to below avg looking females who are "shy."

But a guy who is below avg looking and doesn't talk, is uncomfortable around people, will usually be the guy who doesn't go to the prom, doesn't go to parties in college, doesn't date many people as he grows older..

It's just a fact of life... Looks might not be the be all end all of things, but the fact is, they do play an important role in everything that goes on.

A good looking guy probably will go further with the same talents and skills as a below avg looking guy, same goes for females.

I mean if looks didn't matter, nobody would get plastic surgery, boob implants, men and woman, be on tv, be a celebrity, the list goes on.

While you have to deal with who and what you are, don't fool yourself into thinking "looks don't matter."

Because at the end of the day, you'll just get more angry or jealous if somebody else who most people think of as "hot" succeeds.

Accept yourself... if you don't like certain things, do something about it... If you think your a skinny twerp, then start going to the gym and eating better.. If you think your too fat, start exercising more and eating more healthy.

Too many people blame everybody else for their own problems...


if all you do is complain you are ugly, skinny, fat, whatever and other people are better than you because of this, then do something about it..

No, you might not become brad pitt or angelina jolie, but if you work hard at improving yourself, that's all you can do and that is good enough.

 

[Alexp]

I think its not so much your looks, but how you preceive your looks and how much you focus on it that helps create the social anxiety.

Being 'less beautiful' can either help or hurt your SA based on your preception. Sometimes not being physically perfect can help lower your expectations of everything else(like saying the perfect thing) and in turn help you be more outgoing and social. If you continually focus on looks though and not accept that you cant change it, then you could continually get hurt by others opinions which will make you more anxious.

Whats strange is that many times good looks can actually make you more socially anxious if you are the sensitive type. It can cater to your perfection expectations. It can make you believe that you can actually meet your high expectations of yourself and your perfectionism. Its a terribly falacy, because it carries the high social expectations of everything else...such as saying the perfect things, acting perfectly right...be perfectly charming...it carries all those other social parts to incredibly high expectations too...

You cant meet those high expectations, so in turn you start beating yourself up and becoming more shy and more socially anxious, even though you may still be good looking.

In other words, being good looking can be difficult cause it can be harder to adjust your expectation of yourself when you are praised for your looks...everything else has to match it.

 

[Forbes]

Re: looks

While every...

You're an incredibly frustrated little man aren't you?

 

[angelburnz]

Hard-Boiled:
"Not to be conceited or anything, but for the first time in my life, I discovered that I was quite handsome."

I can relate to you on this. Back in my junior high school years I used to be "popular"; I had a lot of friends, I had bfs and all of that good stuff. And to be honest, I was a little conceited as well, but once high school started it all changed. People started calling me ugly at the exact point in life where I wanted to be "perfect"...Now that I look back, I think thier comments were more like a "reality check".

pjam76:
"Accept yourself... if you don't like certain things, do something about it... If you think your a skinny twerp, then start going to the gym and eating better.. If you think your too fat, start exercising more and eating more healthy."

Believe me, I've undergone some physical changes. Then I realized that no matter how much I try to change myself I will never be satisfied with my physical appearance. So I gave up. I'm trying not to care, but it's hard.

Alexp:
"If you continually focus on looks though and not accept that you cant change it, then you could continually get hurt by others opinions which will make you more anxious."

I agree. Sounds a lot like me.

 

[cherish]

If that's you in your picture i think you're above average looking...people who make it a point to talk about people they think are ugly especially so that person can hear are only trying to hurt you because they are either jealous of you or of something about you they think they lack . They feel inadequate themselves and have to pick out other people's flaws so others won't notice their obvious ones. Those people are idiots, don't let them define how you feel about yourself. Let yourself decide how you feel about the way you look. And those people who have said things about you don't speak for the majority of people out there anyways and the ones you meet. Love yourself, you're awesome.

 

[cloaked]

Re: looks

But a guy who is below avg looking and doesn't talk, is uncomfortable around people, will usually be the guy who doesn't go to the prom, doesn't go to parties in college, doesn't date many people as he grows older..

Yep, that pretty much summarizes my life.

 

[pinkputter]

No not at all......I never had low self esteem till my anxiety esalated and got out of control like lately. I am very content with the way i look. And ever since i was younger everyone commented on pretty i was. But i was also very shy as a kid. Ive felt my whole life like i have to prove to people that im not shy. And anyone knew that meets me i feel like because of the way i look i have to be a certain way, and when im not the outgoing girl they place me to be they think im jst being rude and I get negative responses from people, which makes my anxiety even worse.

Imagine yourself looking like Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt, if you looked like that, but still felt how you feel on the inside everyday, do you think you could convince yourself you dont need to feel that way anymore because you look the way yuo do?

With my experience looks wont help you "feel" so much better. You have to do that. One of my roomates has kinda low self esteem, but no sign of anxiety from what i can tell. She always tells me "she wishes she looked anything like me. or If she loked like me...." And im like you dont even understand, its not about the fct that im pretty or ugly, I feel bad and she sees me not taking chances, or being friendly and thinks im just sitting in my comfortzone,........not the case at all....


Anxiety blows up our insecurities tho....if we were self concious before i think anxiety will cause us to be even more so about it. But if youre unhappy about it, just know its not REALLY you, youre anxiety makes it a lot worse so its probably better not to focus on it.

 

[someoneelse]

I have found myself getting low self-esteem from the idea that I may through some of my physical imperfections not be a 10 in other people eyes and my own. I focus on my hairline and the fatty deposits. The solution to any weight issues would have to be exercise and diet of course but at what point do I get before I am satisfied. When do I not feel inferior and when do others not see me as inferior? I will never reach that point. If I was called ugly I know that that would be a crush to my esteem. Anyone would feel bad after that. The only thing I have come to is that after all these hang ups of my self image there has been in the past someone who has liked me despite them. I have liked people that may have imperfections too. The only thing I need do is be more observant. I do not need everyone to see me as perfect. Though maybe at sometime in the future someone will see me like that. Then hopefully I will believe her.

 

[Brad38]

ALthough I am 5`4, I think most of it is in my head. Its true some women wont go near a short guy, while others seem to be more open minded.
Remember though personality is what matters. Just forget about your looks and go out there and do it.

 

[carebear]

Whats strange is that many times good looks can actually make you more socially anxious if you are the sensitive type. It can cater to your perfection expectations

I totally agree with this. I have been told that I am pretty/good looking but my social anxiety makes me feel like I can never live up to my full potential. since I was about 18, I always wanted to model (and have been asked by people if I model)and now some years later, I have let myself go because of all my insecurities. Instead of taking the complements from people in a good way, I always thought they were just being nice and trying to make me feel better. I never actually believed it or even believe it now. Now that I am getting older, I wish I could have just taken the complements and ran with them instead of denying everything.

moral of the story...I have no idea...but any way you look at it, life is way too short to care. :x

www.myspace.com/littlel3 add me because I am lonely!

 

[xkiss_me_nowx]

i know i feel the same. i feel like im really ugly.. although the weird thing is so many people think im really good looking/pretty/hot and alot of guys wanna get with me..even a few girls.. :/

but the problem is i dont see myself like that.. i think im ugly.. ifeel like im seeing a completely different person compared to them but yeah, my shyness does lead to the way i look.. im quite insecure.. it sucks big time....here's a picture of me though for those of you who are wonderin.. ...

i guess sometimes i think oh im okay looking..average.. but half the time i think im ugly.. i really hardly ever feel pretty tbh.

 

[J_]

take a look around you the next time you wander down the high street on a busy day.

loads of pretty people hand in hand with loads of "ugly" people.

looks mean nothing if you have no confidence or fear making the move (my life story)

i don't think i'm bad looking (i'll post a pic if i get enough requests , but everything from being a bit lanky, to having terrible skin up till recently, to being shy, too being bullied and a general feeling of detatchment from all the "normal" people doesn't do much for the self esteem. in the past i'd find out a girl i liked, liked me back, but it was either too late and i'd missed the boat or was too afraid to ask in case someone was playing a trick on me . there was the odd few times when i did have a little confidence, but it would always fade after a short amount of time.

now, I don't care anymore, or as much. if i get the chance, i go for it, although i'd still be a bit to nervous to aproach someone in a club or on the street and just start up a conversation. i always considered that imposing, like who am i to just start talking to randoms. but again, if i see an opening, i'll jump at the chance


oh and xkiss_me_nowx, you're well fit, the sorta girl i'd think i wouldn't have much of a chance with, and if i did get a chance, i'd (in the past anyway) wuss out.

lol

here's a big wet sloppy e-kiss from me 2 you
MWAAAAAH!

 

[J_]

to be honest, there are a lot of good looking people here, from the pics i've seen. this site should be renamed hottieswithsocialphobia-world.com

yeah, ok, that would be a bit of a mouthful

 

[tehStranger]

well, you haven't seen mine...

it's the face of evil.

 

[xkiss_me_nowx]

oh and xkiss_me_nowx, you're well fit, the sorta girl i'd think i wouldn't have much of a chance with, and if i did get a chance, i'd (in the past anyway) wuss out.

lol

here's a big wet sloppy e-kiss from me 2 you
MWAAAAAH!

hahah thanks i reckon you should post your pic up? lol.
and lol im nothing special

 

[Kinetik]

If there's one thing I've noticed is that looks really don't seem to factor into SA/SP. Anxiety is often an innate thing, and many of us have had it from the time we were born. I remember crying my eyes out as a kid of four or five - over the most mundane things that 99% of children that age were totally fine with. Very soon after that, from age six onwards, I began to shirk social interaction almost entirely. That's far too young to be aware of looks or appearance-related insecurities. Also, just browsing the photo album here makes you realize that we all look like really normal, everyday people - almost a completely random cross-section of society as a whole. There's no ugliness involved.