FriendlyShadow
Well-known member
I have finally came to the realization that just about anything I do or say always will leads to the worst outcomes. Sadly, in my situation, I am treated as nothing more than a worn down prisoner locked away inside a Nazi camp. I never understood why though. Why am I one of the few many people out in this entire wold, be treated so much differently than others. I thought maybe it's possible this could all just be a phase that'll soon pass overtime... or maybe I just wasn't surrounded by the right people. But you see, I feel as if I have disappointed many people around me, including my family which doesn't come off as surprising for me to say. Every single little mistake I make, affects everyone around me very negatively. Its gone so far to the limit where not only do they get angry with me about these mistakes, they use it as a grudge to hold against me. We're not talking like maybe after a few hours they'll get over it and we all make up, I' m talking about them holding that grudge and never speaking to me for a day or two all because of these little mistakes. Believe me, I do apologize and admit that I'd done is wrong/stupid/out of line. However, it either ends up making the situation worse or with people constantly looking at the siuation as if it is something greater than it really is. Not only that, but a lot of the people I've been surrounded with have seen nothing of me rather than flaws to criticize on.
Some examples of my flaws; Too slow, careless, queitness (of course), lack of common sense, I ask questions that may offend others or if the question that I ask makes the answer obvious (which is proof that I have zero intelligence and understanding), not understanding when someone gives me directions on how to do something or where to find/pick up something, being forgetful, telling others about something that happens at the last minute, ect.
It's not that I purposely try to make people angry because I do these things, but somehow these flaws of mine are all what contributes to those feelings they bring out. There's things in my life I never could understand why they seem to be affecting it in such cruel, harshful ways. Why did this have to be the life for me to live through? Why does someone so useless and pathetic like me even deserve to exist? Why am I still unhappy? Why am I treated so differently from other humans in this world? Why was I born with so many stupid problems and deformities? Why can't I be perfect like people expect me to be? Why can't I even be who people want me to be? Why even ask these questions? I'll tell you why. Because it doesn't matter. Yes. That's it. Short and simple. The answer is because it doesn't matter and it will never matter in the end. And you know what, this is my own teaching lesson right here that I've now learned to accept. This is a lesson I've now accepted because in life, I guess the only real way you can ever fully succeed is if you endure the pain and agony that goes along with it. The sad truth I myself can't even deny.
Unfortunately for people like me (if there are) who have lived through the same pain, will maybe understand why I feel the way I do, though not all of you will. For those who can't, well, at least maybe you have a better insight of what my life has truly been like all these years. What surprises me is how much I'm actually able to take it. How after all these years, which to me, felt like passing decades, I'm still alive after so much agony I went through. I could take my own life and compare that to surving through some holocaust war. Except, eliminate all the people and loved ones in my life, take away the house, food, and shelter provided for me. Without those things in my life, I'm absoultely nothing. Without these things, I'm the only one who is forced to fight through this battle alone without the need of aid, sympathy, love, affection, happiness, warmth, comfort, the list goes on endlessly. I have to say I'm very lucky and at the same time I'm still very unhappy. Which is why I never should expect any of these things given to me from others because I'd just be wasting up their own time. I mean to everyone who may read this message, just look at how this person typed all of this out. Take a long good look at this post. When you read through this thread, I want you to think for a moment. Just think about what you've read so far. Could any of you honestly be, or better yet, can you see yourself around someone who is constantly talking crap about themselves, someone who's emotions take control of them, or even someone who constantly talks about how depressed they are? I mean could you really? Because I know for a fact, that when many people do read about these kinds of things, they turn away from it. No doubt in my mind, people who read posts like these from people like me will get the idea that these posts are only to seek attention or that they can't be bothered putting up with that because they'd think that these people are being childish or pussies. Well in this case, you are right, if you believe in your own assumptions.
I don't make these threads in order to get a reaction out of people or that I enjoy making people listen to my problems. I make these theads because this is truly the only place I can vent my emotions. Literally, all my life, I was forced to keep my emotions and problems to myself. ALL MY ENTIRE LIFE. Reasons why? Well, simply because everytime I do break down infront of people (even in situations one of my relatives died, my dog died, ect), they become annoyed and angered. They yell at me that I should stop crying, I can't be a baby, or that they get amused and find me wallowing as something not to take seriously. They treat it as a joking manner, just one big fat joke. So, yeah, that why I decided I'd never let anyone see me cry again. I hate that I cry and I hate when people have to see me cry. It's now made me feel awkward, embarrassed, and downright more worse than I already had been.
This wesbite is my only life saver, my only chance to let out everything that I'd felt since then and now. Once again, I'm not here to seek any attention in the threads I make, only for there to be at least some people who will listen for a moment. I'm not asking for anything more than just that. Alright, well that's enough of my awkward rant for now. Hopefully, things can improve in time... hopefully.
Some examples of my flaws; Too slow, careless, queitness (of course), lack of common sense, I ask questions that may offend others or if the question that I ask makes the answer obvious (which is proof that I have zero intelligence and understanding), not understanding when someone gives me directions on how to do something or where to find/pick up something, being forgetful, telling others about something that happens at the last minute, ect.
It's not that I purposely try to make people angry because I do these things, but somehow these flaws of mine are all what contributes to those feelings they bring out. There's things in my life I never could understand why they seem to be affecting it in such cruel, harshful ways. Why did this have to be the life for me to live through? Why does someone so useless and pathetic like me even deserve to exist? Why am I still unhappy? Why am I treated so differently from other humans in this world? Why was I born with so many stupid problems and deformities? Why can't I be perfect like people expect me to be? Why can't I even be who people want me to be? Why even ask these questions? I'll tell you why. Because it doesn't matter. Yes. That's it. Short and simple. The answer is because it doesn't matter and it will never matter in the end. And you know what, this is my own teaching lesson right here that I've now learned to accept. This is a lesson I've now accepted because in life, I guess the only real way you can ever fully succeed is if you endure the pain and agony that goes along with it. The sad truth I myself can't even deny.
Unfortunately for people like me (if there are) who have lived through the same pain, will maybe understand why I feel the way I do, though not all of you will. For those who can't, well, at least maybe you have a better insight of what my life has truly been like all these years. What surprises me is how much I'm actually able to take it. How after all these years, which to me, felt like passing decades, I'm still alive after so much agony I went through. I could take my own life and compare that to surving through some holocaust war. Except, eliminate all the people and loved ones in my life, take away the house, food, and shelter provided for me. Without those things in my life, I'm absoultely nothing. Without these things, I'm the only one who is forced to fight through this battle alone without the need of aid, sympathy, love, affection, happiness, warmth, comfort, the list goes on endlessly. I have to say I'm very lucky and at the same time I'm still very unhappy. Which is why I never should expect any of these things given to me from others because I'd just be wasting up their own time. I mean to everyone who may read this message, just look at how this person typed all of this out. Take a long good look at this post. When you read through this thread, I want you to think for a moment. Just think about what you've read so far. Could any of you honestly be, or better yet, can you see yourself around someone who is constantly talking crap about themselves, someone who's emotions take control of them, or even someone who constantly talks about how depressed they are? I mean could you really? Because I know for a fact, that when many people do read about these kinds of things, they turn away from it. No doubt in my mind, people who read posts like these from people like me will get the idea that these posts are only to seek attention or that they can't be bothered putting up with that because they'd think that these people are being childish or pussies. Well in this case, you are right, if you believe in your own assumptions.
I don't make these threads in order to get a reaction out of people or that I enjoy making people listen to my problems. I make these theads because this is truly the only place I can vent my emotions. Literally, all my life, I was forced to keep my emotions and problems to myself. ALL MY ENTIRE LIFE. Reasons why? Well, simply because everytime I do break down infront of people (even in situations one of my relatives died, my dog died, ect), they become annoyed and angered. They yell at me that I should stop crying, I can't be a baby, or that they get amused and find me wallowing as something not to take seriously. They treat it as a joking manner, just one big fat joke. So, yeah, that why I decided I'd never let anyone see me cry again. I hate that I cry and I hate when people have to see me cry. It's now made me feel awkward, embarrassed, and downright more worse than I already had been.
This wesbite is my only life saver, my only chance to let out everything that I'd felt since then and now. Once again, I'm not here to seek any attention in the threads I make, only for there to be at least some people who will listen for a moment. I'm not asking for anything more than just that. Alright, well that's enough of my awkward rant for now. Hopefully, things can improve in time... hopefully.
