being to nice to people

[dreamchaser]

Hi everyone, the title says it all really, I feel like I just please people all the time, worried I will say the wrong thing so I just agree with everyone, I have always been anxious around others for as long as I can remember! I hate having to go through this everyday, just feel like everyone looking at me and judging me, I also struggle with looking people in the eye, worried they'l think im staring at them as I feel I dont know how much eye contact to use, I would just avoid going out if I could but I have my son to take to nursery all the other parents speaking to each other with ease and then theres me head down trying to avoid everybody, how are my kids ever going to be confident if im not, I spend my life pleasing others and wanting them to like me, it just makes me feel worse, anyone else do this? How can I put a stop to this

 

[BlueWeepingRose]

Hello there. You're not alone on this one.

I used to please people all the time and try to do anything for people to like me cause I just needed a friend or someone to talk too. Inside I was very lonely and depressed, so I just ended up pleasing others to try to get friends.

It's a good thing you're a nice person, but also try to focus on yourself and your own needs as well. Giving all that to someone else will only drain you in the end. Try focusing on yourself for right now and get into new hobbies. Even educate yourself, try look for something for you to read about. It's going to take time for you to build yourself up, but in the end it'll be worth it. Hope my advice has helped you out in some way.

 

[mikebird]

being tooo nice to people

It's the last thing Mum said to me when she was alive
She was trying to motivate me / beg me to be nice
She was the nicest person.
I became an arrogant and furious person many years after leaving home at 17
and dealing with the unfair parts of life my parents never saw, because they lived through the WWII in Britain, making 'support' feel nice

I found this thread looking for a way to express myself, while struggling with the most often-occurring phrase:

"Please get in touch if you are interested in the role"
Having to prove yourself with the effort to please a recruiter agent

I've always wanted to please others. This was built-in from birth. But my attitude has changed beyond the recognition of my parents and the other gleaming smiling sunshine of the family. My experience and gathering of hard-cold truth evidence has modelled me to fight back. I have to do something to win the awards and rewards I deserve. Everything is so easy for everyone. Defining the word 'nice' would take a minimum of 50,000 words for me. There's more to life than just a poke in the guts. I can't operate at plankton level with a response to 'hello, how are you?'
I would have to describe my life. All of it. Several weeks without stopping. I wish another person would do that to me. All I get from someone else is 'OK'

I need someone special to train me how to deal with strangers
That will never happen

My solid-rooted behaviours, tactics and approaches to try have been based on learning from strangers. None of the upcoming future encounters will ever be like the previous 255 individually or any combo of all of them. The next ones will see me as a stranger and will give up within 10 seconds. They will soon find someone just like them.

 

[fadedteal]

i think just be brave and say things that you think is right. then people would accept you for who you are. if not, just leave them be, because no one can control them to like somebody.

 

[jaim38]

I think there's a difference between being a people pleaser and being polite. A people pleaser tries to please everyone even at his/her own expense, compromising more than they should. A person who is polite takes the effort to greet others and speak nicely to them, but they don't try to give more than they should. I used to be a people pleaser, very sensitive to everyone's moods around me. If someone is angry at me, or even just a little annoyed, I blame myself. Now it's a bit better, but I'm still working on drawing boundaries between people pleasing and etiquette. I am able to look at people in the eye, but not for prolonged periods. I don't want to come off as staring.

 

[pavnaxtion]

Honestly, I have no idea. I could give you a list of things I've read/been told about the topic, but I do the same thing. I guess the only thing I could say is take small steps. Your social life won't turn around in a day it will take a lot of steps to get to where you have a normal amount of friends to support you. Clearly identify what you wan't and then set goals for yourself that aren't specific to one particular person, but can help you reach your goal presumably of having a lot of people who like you. If you think of social value as money we are broke. We can't become millionaires or even well-off overnight we have to start very small and with persistence and cleverness get to a place of normalcy or beyond.

 

[Miss Magnolia :)]

I think there's a difference between being a people pleaser and being polite. A people pleaser tries to please everyone even at his/her own expense, compromising more than they should. A person who is polite takes the effort to greet others and speak nicely to them, but they don't try to give more than they should. I used to be a people pleaser, very sensitive to everyone's moods around me. If someone is angry at me, or even just a little annoyed, I blame myself. Now it's a bit better, but I'm still working on drawing boundaries between people pleasing and etiquette. I am able to look at people in the eye, but not for prolonged periods. I don't want to come off as staring.

Thanks jaim, this was helpful to me. I think I've become an extreme people pleaser... too afraid to express my own opinions for fear of offending anyone. My first thought is to blame myself when people get upset, not even considering that maybe they've got their own issues going on. I'm WAY too sensitive to everyone else's moods. There's definitely a fine line between being polite and being a people pleaser... something I need to work on for sure. Anyway, thanks :thumbup:.

 

[MikeyC]

I think there's a difference between being a people pleaser and being polite. A people pleaser tries to please everyone even at his/her own expense, compromising more than they should. A person who is polite takes the effort to greet others and speak nicely to them, but they don't try to give more than they should. I used to be a people pleaser, very sensitive to everyone's moods around me. If someone is angry at me, or even just a little annoyed, I blame myself. Now it's a bit better, but I'm still working on drawing boundaries between people pleasing and etiquette. I am able to look at people in the eye, but not for prolonged periods. I don't want to come off as staring.

I'm glad you're getting better at this, jaim. It's not easy.

I'm a freaking doormat. I need to change.