Being the only "new" person at a social gathering

[tooshytosay]

How do you deal with this?

Suppose you are the only "new" person finding yourself at a social gathering. Everyone knows eachother well, and they are all socializing with eachother flawlessly. They're having fun, chatting and laughing. You can visibly see "cliques" (or to put it nicely, groups) of people chatting with eachother.

There is no one to introduce you to anyone, there is no "buddy", there is no friend. You know absolutely no-one in the crowd. No one is by themselves, everyone is all visibly engaged in chat.

When you try to overhear their conversation, you find that people are talking about things that you have absolutely no idea about; or, they're talking about other people, whom you have absolutely no clue about either. Obviously a lot of so-called "in-group" chat is going on, not a lot of "generalist" chat (if there can be such a thing).

What do you do?

Of course the first thing that comes to my mind is to run away. But suppose, for whatever reason, that you cannot run away. Say that you are stuck with these people for a couple of hours, like it or not. Let's put aside the question of why you have ended up in this situation for now, because let's face it, life does not always exactly go the way you plan it to.

What do you do???

 

[kihira]

Been there, almost, though not completely alone. You can stand with a group and listen and do a fake laugh and smile. You can introduce yourself to one other kind looking soul. You can introduce yourself to a group.

Worthwhile people will go out of their way to make a stranger comfortable, its a shame when this happens, but I think its just a fear thing that stops them saying hello.

Last resort, walk around offering the canapes and pretend to be the butler :b

 

[probs]

I don't feel confortable in that kind of situations even when I have a "buddy", I don't really know what would I do.
I don't really think I would go in the first place. Last time I was in that situation, I started thinking "What am I doing here?" so I just told the others I had to make a phone call to have an excuse to go outside alone and then I left...

 

[Agon]

I get stuck in my elective class for 50 minutes each time, 3 days a week. Seriously, the class is composed of one big group of friends + me.

Weell, at the beginning of the year I tried socializing with them even if I knew they were bonded already as a group (they've known each other for about a year), and it all went awkwardly. I couldn't really blame them for feeling awkward, but at least they tried including me in the activities. I did have problems finding a partner for pair work, though.

So, you're asking me what I'd do if I find myself in another situation like this? I won't like it, and I would probably sweat like a pig, but I'd go up there and say hello. It's the only way, really. I do think it's better than just standing there and not saying anything, I would rather go to them and be awkward. Hey, at least I tried. Conversation is a two-way thing, it's not always one person's fault if things don't work out.

 

[Snowdrop]

Been in this situation, and what I did was absolutely nothing. Well, nothing brave anyway. I just sort of sat near a group of people I thought looked OK and wouldn't kick me out as soon as they saw me. Then from there, I just made a few comments when generalist conversation did pop up. I am still known as the quiet one but at least this means I am not alone. My new years res. is definitely to be braver...

 

[dutchguy]

Wow, that's a hard one... Of course the obvious advice would be 'just walk up to a group and start listening to their conversations' but if it was that easy, this forum wouldn't exist.

Anyway, I honestly can't think of anything other than what I would do myself; either avoid the thing entirely (make up an excuse not to go) or just go there, walk around and see what happens without taking any initiative yourself.

But I'd say; whatever happens, don't be too hard on yourself: I'm pretty sure even the people we'd consider 'normal' (as in, have no trouble socializing otherwise) would be quite nervous and anxious in this kind of situation. As people who have trouble socializing, we often consider ourselves failures when we don't act the way we wish to act in a social setting like that. For me, it is comforting to realize that every single human being has an instinctive fear of the unknown (some have just managed to overcome this better than others) and that socializing - especially in these kinds of groups - is a two-way street; why shouldn't the group try to include you?

Anyway, while I too aspire to one day approach these kinds of social gatherings without fear of being rejected (and I've got a long way to go), I try to not beat myself up over not handling things the way I should have, especially with new groups.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

First I would panic and go hide in the bathroom.
Then once calmed, I would make up a survival plan, it would probably sound like this:
Once out of the bathroom, I would go get a drink, and while doing this I would try to locate a small group (2 or 3 people talking, preferably close to where I am) who looks nice, and I would introduce myself to them as someone who doesn't know anyone in the place, and I would either try to say something interesting about what they were already talking about, or would try to start a conversation related to the reason of this gathering.

But honestly I avoid these kind of situation at any cost.

 

[Minty]

What do I do personally? Find a seat, sit down, gaze off into the distance. Hope no one will talk to me. Count the minutes. Pretend I'm busy sipping my drink. Wallow in anxiety.

 

[Feathers]

Okay, what is your reason to be there? You said 'let's put aside the reason 'why'' but it's essential to know the reason: is it a 'Meet-up'/singles/work socializing event, someone's birthday, an 'afterparty', a celebration of something, are you stuck in an elevator or bus/train?

I usually don't go where I wouldn't know anyone or wouldn't be at least somewhat familiar with or interested in the topic/reason to be there... (Sometimes it can still be scary, but it's easier to just ask the first nice-looking person about the reason s/he's there or where they came from etc.)
Okay, maybe on the bus/train/plane there can be mostly strangers or such, it's easier to talk to just one person that sits next to you there though. Especially if something unusual happens, like the bus stops etc. you can talk about that event etc.

If you know one or two people a bit, or came together with a few, and started talking on the way there, it can be easier... It can be simple things like, 'Have you come here for ...Event xyz... too?' or 'Do you know where is the ...room 404/event room/toilet/bathroom...?'
So ideally I'd start chatting before the event starts or outside the main room and move in with a bunch of people so I can join them easily there..

If they were already in small groups, I'd join any acquaintances (even if brief) or nicest-looking people.. (elderly ladies or gentlemen are usually friendly.. and happy to talk about things..) Remember to smile & be nice..
If it's a lecture/seminar/class, I'd just sit where there's space, ideally to nice/friendly-looking people...

I like Pacific's plan too... Bathroom or kitchen can be good places to 'hide'.. or you could even take a walk outside for a brief while, if it's safe.. (You might even find one or two people there and it can be easier to talk..)

You can also go for the food and start talking to someone standing by the table or also getting food/drinks.. (you can even talk about the food, ha ha..)
You can help with the food or such.. Hosts may appreciate it..

I might try to find common themes to talk about, or ask about what they are talking about, or a general question like, 'So you are all engineers, have you gone to school together/do you work together?' or something like that? (The idea is to get to know them and what they are doing and what they like etc.)
You can also ask them where they met each other or such...

I'm pretty interested in many things and if you're genuinely interested in what they say people are often flattered and happy to tell you about things or what they do etc.
You can leave the room if needed, for a break, and come again, and join a different group/one or two people talking...
Children are also a pretty easy group to mingle with, or play with, and their parents may really appreciate it if someone talks to them or plays with them and keeps them semi-well behaved...

 

[lurknomore]

My easy answer is that I wouldn't ever be at a social gathering where I don't already know someone... as it is, I'm pretty much never at social gatherings even where I do know people, except for family stuff. I'm never invited anywhere, and I wouldn't even know where public or "general" social gatherings take place. If I had to be stuck somewhere with people I didn't know, I'm sure I would spend the whole time in the bathroom... or make sure I had a book to read or my own music to listen to.