Being forced to visit relatives who think I'm autistic. What should I do?

[SadSally]

I know that when you're an adult there's a belief that you can do whatever the hell you want. Well that's not true if you live with controlling family members. I just turned twenty and can't to move out due to financial and emotional reasons. Anyway, last year my grandmother died.

I didn't know her at all. We lived in different parts of the country, never had a conversation, only saw her once or twice when I was under 7 years old. STRANGERS. All of my extended "family" are strangers to me.

Anyway, last year my brother forced me into visiting her in the hospital while she was in a coma, forced me to go to the Irish funeral wake (lots of hand shaking with strangers(, then to the funeral where I sat all by myself because my mother and brother ditched me. I was also forced to sit at the table at the top of a room with about thirty relatives I've never met in my life. And forced into seeing the body. The whole thing make me unbelievable uncomfortable because
1. I didn't know her so it made me feel like such a fraud being around people who were actually grieving. They were probably wondering who the hell I was.
2. I don't wear make up and I threw up on my black top in the car so I had to change into a pink sweater. So not only did my pink sweater stand out, but I have awful skin. I was very sick that day and felt like death.
3. My nosy "aunt" kept paying attention to me asking if I was hungry, cold, smiling in my face like i was crazy when i wasn't chatty enough for her. Also I overheard her very very loud voice announcing to the room next door "Sally's on the quite side isn't she?"

Basically, everybody treated me in such a weird, delicate way. Now, for the one year anniversery, my pushy brother is forcing me to go with him and y mom to put flowers on the grave. This includes visiting damn relatives who think I'm slow.

I've told him a million times I'm not going but they won't listen. All they say is "oh you will. You have to."

Why the hell do i have to? I didn't know her and everybody thinks I'm autistic. Its not as if any of them make an effort to visit me.

what would you do?

 

[Graeme1988]

Yet again, ye hit a nerve with me, Sally. It wus you that made that thread about yer dad no being there, wasn't it?

Anyway, I digress... But I can relate, honest. I mean, I was just as awkward attending my auntie's funeral. So I can only imagine how you're feeling the now. Ah didnae attend ma dad funeral either when he died. Though, ah never hud any reason to feel guilty for having not done so.

My family are just as controlling, though, and use those exact same emotionally manipulative tactics on me when ah wus younger.

Now, they tread carefully cuz they know I'm not someone who likes being forced intae social interaction. And I've copped on to when they're trying to push me around, for lack of a better expression. Oh, believe you me, I've had those same things said about me by famiy. They've become strangers to me to the point where I don't even know those close to me anymore.

All the browbeating and overhearing the comments about me being too shy and quiet huv made me withdraw from my family. But then, ah never felt like ah belonged to begin with. The rest of my family always seem to have a close bond, being older than me. And more confident, being extroverts. So y'know being the youngest, ah kinda stood out being the exact opposite.

Anyway, all I can say is... It's up to you. If ye don't want to go, don't feel obligated to. Stand up for yerself, lassie. Just cuz they're yer family doesnae mean they huv the right to bully and force you to attend family event if you, yerself, do feel 100% comfortable with it. They so get the message and learn to respect yer decision.

It'd be a different story, if ye had a close relationship with yer granny, certainly. Just don't feel to guilty if yer brother resents you for a wee while for deciding not to go with him. I know this from past experience for turning down birthday invite, despite my mum and sister begging me to go.

Anyway, that's just ma rambling advice, Sally. Make of it what ye will, but I hope it is of some help to you. :thumbup:

 

[SadSally]

Yet again, ye hit a nerve with me, Sally. It wus you that made that thread about yer dad no being there, wasn't it?

Anyway, I digress... But I can relate, honest. I mean, I was just as awkward attending my auntie's funeral. So I can only imagine how you're feeling the now. Ah didnae attend ma dad funeral either when he died. Though, ah never hud any reason to feel guilty for having not done so.

My family are just as controlling, though, and use those exact same emotionally manipulative tactics on me when ah wus younger.

Now, they tread carefully cuz they know I'm not someone who likes being forced intae social interaction. And I've copped on to when they're trying to push me around, for lack of a better expression. Oh, believe you me, I've had those same things said about me by famiy. They've become strangers to me to the point where I don't even know those close to me anymore.

All the browbeating and overhearing the comments about me being too shy and quiet huv made me withdraw from my family. But then, ah never felt like ah belonged to begin with. The rest of my family always seem to have a close bond, being older than me. And more confident, being extroverts. So y'know being the youngest, ah kinda stood out being the exact opposite.

Anyway, all I can say is... It's up to you. If ye don't want to go, don't feel obligated to. Stand up for yerself, lassie. Just cuz they're yer family doesnae mean they huv the right to bully and force you to attend family event if you, yerself, do feel 100% comfortable with it. They so get the message and learn to respect yer decision.

It'd be a different story, if ye had a close relationship with yer granny, certainly. Just don't feel to guilty if yer brother resents you for a wee while for deciding not to go with him. I know this from past experience for turning down birthday invite, despite my mum and sister begging me to go.

Anyway, that's just ma rambling advice, Sally. Make of it what ye will, but I hope it is of some help to you. :thumbup:

you are so right. They'll just have to accept a no is a no.

 

[Graeme1988]

you are so right. They'll just have to accept a no is a no.

Aye, exactly. And if they don't accept that. Tell tae go fu... :question: Well, mibbe no that last bit. :bigsmile:

 

[nicole1]

I thought I responded here. I guess not. Well, all I wanted to say is I can relate. I was forced to go to events up until recently when I told my mom how miserable being around my relatives made me.

At 20++, I feel that I don't have to be around people who hardly know me and who treat me like I'm not a grown woman. I used to wish we were all closer or something, but it never worked out.

You must speak with them about this and if they can't accept it, oh well. I hate being forced and made to be felt guilty for not wanting to participate in family crap. I don't even see most of them through out the year!

 

[SadSally]

I thought I responded here. I guess not. Well, all I wanted to say is I can relate. I was forced to go to events up until recently when I told my mom how miserable being around my relatives made me.

At 20++, I feel that I don't have to be around people who hardly know me and who treat me like I'm not a grown woman. I used to wish we were all closer or something, but it never worked out.

You must speak with them about this and if they can't accept it, oh well. I hate being forced and made to be felt guilty for not wanting to participate in family crap. I don't even see most of them through out the year!

Telling my family about my feelings and what makes me uncomfortable is like talking to a slab of cement. Isn't it the most patronizing feeling in the world to be spoken to like you're so fragile you'll break?

 

[Graeme1988]

Telling my family about my feelings and what makes me uncomfortable is like talking to a slab of cement.

You remind me so much of myself... I empathasize with ya, ah really do. :sad:

Now, I don't know yer situation, but I can relate to not sharing my feelings with my family due to feeling uncomfy. Ah take yer family tend to flee of the handle and yell at ye everytime ye attempt to do so? Or give ye that narrow-eyed look of contempt and as as if everything yer sayin' is a lie?

Or, worst still, mock and ridicule ya for how yer feelin'.

Isn't it the most patronizing feeling in the world to be spoken to like you're so fragile you'll break?

Kinda... But the most patronizing feeling in the world is to be spoken to and treated like yer still a wee bairn. Rather than being treated like an adult. :kickingmyself:

Try and talk to them, if ye can... And keep it civil, if ye can. Ah know it can be intimidating, but ye can't let them treat ya this way, darlin'. You deserve better. :thumbup:

 

[nicole1]

Telling my family about my feelings and what makes me uncomfortable is like talking to a slab of cement. Isn't it the most patronizing feeling in the world to be spoken to like you're so fragile you'll break?

Actually, my some members of my family speak to me like I'm a child or like I'm dumb.

Slab of cement, I totally understand. It took me years before I reached some of them. Still most think I just need to get out more. I would much rather stay here.

This topic makes me so mad because it will ruin any chance of a good day--along with the following few days after.